I’m seriously still loving Top Chef: Just Desserts, and even though we didn’t get an epic meltdown like Seth’s Red Hot fiasco last week, we still had plenty of emotion and plenty of drama. This time around, the gang had to assemble a wedding cake in the miniscule time frame of ninety minutes. Some people managed to put together fine offerings, but others, like poor Malika, failed utterly. The beleaguered pastry chef, who always looks in dire need of a hug, not only failed to add tiers to her cake, but part of her final product simply plopped off the stand like some sort of sugary mudslide. This led to flowing tears; although, to Malika’s credit, she refrained from full-on sobbing and/or uttering some regressive statement about her mommy.

Judging the Quickfire Challenge was esteemed wedding cake maven Sylvia Weinstock, who served as the “George” (ie. from the Apprentice) of the episode. She was sweet, funny, and nurturing but also highly critical in the best sort of way. No offense to the whatsherface from Daily Candy, but I’m starting a campaign to make Sylvia a permanent judge.

Anyway, when Sylvia arrived at Malika’s eroded cake, she was friendly and supportive, effectively raising Malika’s spirits enough so that she felt unfortunately empowered enough to pat Ms. Weinstock on the arm awkwardly. This led to Sylvia instinctually clasping Malika’s hand, which in turn seemed to startle the young chef, who then retracted her arm, perhaps realizing that molesting the guest judge might not earn her a spot in the winner’s circle. The whole thing was very quick and uncomfortable.

The good news for Malika is that while she bombed the Quickfire, she wound up in the top three of the Elimination Challenge. This week’s task was simple: create items for a bake sale. The chefs were split into two teams: one whose proceeds would fund a high school cheer squad; another whose moneys would support a glee club. I immediately was rooting for Team Cheer, mostly because the glee club’s Top Chef song was so God awful, my inner Sue Sylvester just couldn’t bear to see money wasted on them.

Well, things worked out nicely for me. The Cheerleading team won, with Eric the bashful baker taking home the win for the week. Meanwhile, the dysfunctional glee group went in front of the judge’s table where everything fell apart. Danielle happily threw Seth under the bus for not having interfaced with the kids as much as everyone else, and soon a firestorm of accusations and bickering erupted. To be fair, Seth wasn’t as much of a disaster this week and didn’t deserve to be lambasted by his cartoonish rival. Zac actually came to his defense, but by then tensions were already flaring with everyone else. Heather C. (aka the boring one with the bandage on her forehead — YES, we see it behind your bangs, Heather) made a stink about how she originally wanted to make whoopie pies but then got stuck with a cookie, causing Yigit to get on his high horse (AGAIN — he’s turning into something of a bitch) and defensively tell her that no one forced her into cookie jail. He was right, and truth was that Heather’s peanut butter cookie was so boring and forgettable that she ultimately got the boot. We all saw it coming. I mean… it was a peanut butter cookie.

Anyway, these guys are all maniacs, and I love it. I can only imagine what the judges must think. Here’s the photocap:

Gail: “I’m sorry Sylvia, but I simply don’t want to buy Old Navy jeans.”

“GUUUURL, whatchu making over there? A cosmo???”
“No. A cake.”

“GUUUURRL, we need a dolly up in here, mmmkay?”

“GUUUURL, if this batter don’t all come out, I’m gonna have to force it out. MMMMHMMMM.”

“Guuurl, all I want is for Aretha Franklin to make a hat out of this cake.”

Heather: “It was important for me to do a cake that really reflected my personality: bland.”

Sylvia Weinstock: “Seriously, Gail. How much longer are you going to sing karaoke?”
Gail: “Whhhhy do you build me up (build me up)? Buttercup baby just to let me down (let me down)…”

“Guuuurl, look at all those little queens in the glee club. I could eat them right up!”
“But they’re high school students.”
“GUUUUUUURL, whatchu you think I’m not gonna wait until they turn eighteen? PUH-LEEEEEZ.”

Sylvia: “Okay, I know you all had a good laugh, but seriously, who dipped my binoculars in black ink?”

“I really wanted to make the financiers to honor my mother.”
“Oh, is that something else she can’t eat now?”
“No. But she did used to be a banker in 19th century France. She’s very old.”

What did you think about the episode?

15 replies on “TOP CHEF JUST DESSERTS PHOTOCAP: Back To High School”

  1. What show is Seth on? He doesn’t like the challenge he simply doesn’t do the challenge. Too bad we don’t see that on TAR. No Phil. Since I have never flung a melon so I am going to toss a water bottle instead. I stand by my decision. It’s for my mommy.

    Evel Johnny and his hipster ways wears thin.


    1. I agree the Pompadour is not as hot, funny, or cool as he thinks that he is. You know he looks in the mirror and thinks he’s hot shit, but I am over him. He has nothing to offer but just more boring and sideway glances.

      That big guy, I can’t remember his name- is a psycho dick. Taking all the butter was ridiculous, but so was not sharing the peanut butter. But then he made them come over to trade for the butter, when they were just using the peanut butter first and then was going to hand it of.

      They better watch out for psycho dick because next time he isn’t going to announce the fact that he is fucking with people. No wonder he likes Seth. They’re two assholes in a toilet bowl. I am surprised that you didn’t comment on that odd behavior, but shit all these pastry chefs are balls to the walls nuts. Even the Asian chick.

      Hey B-Side: have your ears been burning? We have been talking you up over at tvgasm. I and another poster really love us the joke that is Sprinkles the horse. I made a comment that the Salamis have such huge financial and legal problems because Sprinkles the horse serves as their financial and legal guru. And they get backers for their doomed business because Sprinkles is so darn cute. We totally credit your site. I hope that you don’t mind. But it was just too funny to not share. You are my humor god! Or something. Thank you for all the laughs your have shared with your readers. Somedays it is just what I need to feel not so crappy especially after the year I had. Way to go B-Side! Keep on. Keepin’ on.

      Had would you ever sell b-side blog shirts? I would totally buy one

    1. That reminds me of the most ghastly story about when Bunny Bixter and I were in a ping pong tournament at the club.

        1. ConGRATs!!! u are so super talented and so glad I just get to see a glimspe of it! keep Rockin’- AND loving City View Magazine for understanding what truly comes first in ones life! much love Candace!

  2. So glad you mentioned Heather C.’s bandage and bangs. It bugs me! I just want to pin her hair back.

    I’m totally with you on the Sylvia Weinstock love. Sylvia for Judge!

    1. Oh her bangs! Her bangs! I’m glad she’s gone, simply so I do not have to look at those things any more. And why didn’t she just turn the f-ing peanut butter cookie into a f-ing Peanut Butter Cookie Whoopie Pie? It’s called creativity, darling. And a haircut. Look into them.

    2. Hi,My intention when menntoiing that the gardener came with the house was because the gardener and his family were present when the house was built and they have been well provided for by the owners of the house due to which they continued staying there. There is absolutely no question of slavery here. The gardener earns his living by working there and he is not forced to stay there, he does so at his own free will.The owner is leaving the country, therefore if the new owner wants to retain the gardener who is a sincere, honest and hardworking person then the gardener’s family could continue staying there and he would not lose his job.My apologies for the phrase used which caused this misrepresentation.Thanks & Regards,Jinoo

  3. Seth+ The Red Hots were for my Mommy= Oh myyyy! (wince)
    I know… I’m a week late but thanks to Bravo showing each episode a bizillion times I finally caught that part I fell asleep to last week.

  4. How about the other Heather? She is just awful. She always has bitchy comments about everyone else’s stuff. And her bake sale offering was almost as ridiculous as Seth’s – what kid was going to choose the two thin butter wafers sandwiched around a fancy filling? I couldn’t believe they didn’t have a single word to say about her food.

    Go Eric! I love the bashful baker. I wanted Yigit to go home because really- a fancy pudding with Ginger? Who would pick pudding when there were cakes, brownies, and cookies on hand? Also, they clearly forced Heather to do the cookie and saying otherwise is absurd. I mean she could have done another version of it, but no one was going to let her step away from cookieland.

    1. I am with you on this. I am surprised at how bitchy all these pastry chefs are. I have worked in some high end restaurants and the pastry chefs were a strange sort of click because they had to work these odd hours. They were just as egotistical and diva like as the regular chefs. Some of them were a little more crazy than the chefs because they are in demand since there are so few pastry chefs in comparison to just chefs. Most of ones that I worked were rather temperamental and they saw themselves as misunderstood artist. I think that is what they were told in school. I am not sure. One girl had to be handled with kid gloves and need lots of reassurance that her creations, her babies were delicious and fabulous. She caught a waitress putting too much whip cream on the dessert, first she yelled, then she cried and then she stormed out that no one understand what she was trying to create. People that find their ways into kitchens, generally, are people that have yet to find a work place that they can fit into. The kitchen is for the misfits which makes watching this show, so much fun because of all the misfits. They have been lacking in the last couple of top chefs.

      Sorry. All I meant to comment on was to say that I love Eric too. You call him the bashful baker. I call him the stoned baker. But, hopefully, he will start to pick up some of the artistry required to be a pastry chef so that he can get to the end. Also Yigit is not so bad, but I can see him getting worse because he has a huge ego and if he continues to do bad that ego is going to explode which will releases his inner jerk. Yigit should have gone home because he completely missed the point of the challenge- introducing young palates to ginger. At lot of my friends don’t like ginger and they have good palates and like eating lots of types of foods. His seemed the least kid friendly, out of all the other not kid friendly dishes his team made.

      I was starting to like Heather because she is Asian. And Asians are going to be talented at what they and I love to see the discipline and hard work that they bring to the task at hand. I have none of that in my life, so I look for motivation whenever I can get it. But she is just a fucking bitchy cunt. Her attitude and comments are reminiscent of Fleasa (Lisa of Top Chef Season 4 Fame).

      And you are right. They were going to make band aid make a cookie no matter what. But the kind of cookie was left up to her to make. She could have made a much better cookie especially since most kids love chocolate chip cookies. And if she had chopped up a heath bar into the mix. The cookies would have been a top seller.

  5. It seemed weird that the “losing” team only lost by 10 tickets. If it were reversed, would Erika’s cookies (Sylvia was OBSESSED with those) be criticized? I hate Heather for saying Erika’s cake looked “homey”! Loved her face when she didn’t win.

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