The more you watch these Housewives shows, the more they start to seem the same. Take The Real Housewives of DC, whose latest episode began with Tareq Salahi leveling incriminating insinuations against Mary’s daughter Lolly. The allegation was that Lolly was part of a crew that had stolen a $90,000 vehicle belonging to the Salahis (or their charity), but that wasn’t even the biggest offense. No, the most horrifying part of all this was that someone had swiped all the GEAR that was in the back seat. OH NO!!! THE GEAR’S GONE MISSING!!!
Apparently Tareq annoyed the FBI with his stolen items and thus learned that Lolly had made some comment about the whole mess on Facebook. We didn’t get details much beyond that, but from what we could tell, it was all kind of bogus – much like Danielle Staub’s accusations of death threats from the perennially idiotic teen Ashley. Anyway, Tareq made a whole scene about this ridiculousness at a previously lovely (sort of) dinner party at his family’s vineyard, thus bringing a confused and stunned Mary to tears. I’ll just put it out there: making your guests cry is not in the Emily Post handbook.
As you could surmise, the whole thing was a big nothing, but the incident did serve to put the women on guard even further when it came to the Salahis. Not that Lynda needed it. The prickly modeling director has spared no opportunity to slight the Salahis all season, and this case was no different; although, admittedly, Lynda seemed more concerned with her new house, which featured plenty of areas for her to get EBONG’D, if you know what I’m saying.
Also not a big fan of the Salahis was Cat, who managed to get suckered into a lunch with a ridiculous woman named Edwina. Turns out this lady was a very big deal when it came to GOP lobbying (you may remember her from the premiere — funky lady with the even funkier hat), and she was eager to chat with Cat about anything… but healthcare. Any time Cat brought the subject off, Edwina would just smile in grand phony fashion and change the subject (I was fond of her use of a cucumber finger sandwich as a diversion). I had to admit that I loved this strange Southern belle, and I’m most hopeful that she becomes the Kim G of this cast (with possibly a spin-off show to follow).
Well, Edwina seemed enamored with Cat and invited her to a Republican event where the assembled guests would talk about the aforementioned healthcare reform. However, despite liking George W as a person, our British friend was not about to seriously attend a GOP event. And so Cat set about dressing up as Sarah Palin, which is about when my mother, who was unhappily watching along with me, announced that Cat was “supercilious.” My mom then went on to say that Cat was trying to talk like William Buckley but didn’t have the brains or wit. Needless to say, my mother was certainly aching to switch the DVR over to The Newshour.
As you can imagine, Edwina’s event came with some fun drama, starting with that assistant who in the previous episode basically called Cat a bitch. Cat confronted the girl about it and managed to both deny being a bitch and yet totally live up to the description in one fell swoop. Things got even worse when Michaele sauntered into the conversation and passive-aggressively took a jab at Cat’s wig. This, of course, resulted in a return attack from Cat, who took issue with Michaele’s bright pink dress. I’m not sure who had the higher ground, but it’s safe to say that neither woman was showing a particularly impressive amount of tact. It was great.
As for Edwina, things took a turn for the bizarre when we came back from the last commercial break and saw her being carted out into an ambulance without any context or explanation. What the? Did I miss something?
From what we could tell, Edwina had come down with some random illness (although, kudos to her underlings who announced to the guests that she merely needed to take care of some VERY important business). The entire interlude was totally bizarre, especially since last we had seen of the lobbylist, she was happily perusing the crudites that had been put out in her honor — or rather, health care’s honor. Hopefully Edwina is fine, and I would be simply chuffed to bits, as Cat might say, to have her linger around a few more episodes.
Anyway, on to the photocap…
“I don’t understand. Are you accusing my daughter of stealing gear?”
“I told her to stay away from the gear. Every day I tell her that she shouldn’t steal gear, and what does she do? SHE STEALS GEAR.”
“This is a very important matter. That gear meant a lot to not just me, but the charity.”
Michaele: “Yeah. I just feel bad for the charity.”
“And the horses. They loved that gear.”
“Sparkle was a HUGE gear fan.”
“And now it’s gone.”
“And I’m not saying Lolly took it, but whoever stole that gear had a name that begins with a LOL and ends with LY.”
“Ohhh. Lolly. I love Lolly.”
“It’s an addiction, you know? When you love gear, you just gotta have it. And Lolly LOVES gear!”
“I mean, I thought we had worked through our gear issues. She even went and saw a gear doctor about it. But now I hear she’s back to stealing gear? It breaks my heart, Stacie. It breaks my heart.”
“Lolly, you’re my daughter, and I love you, but please answer me this: have you been stealing gear?”
“I have to know.”
“You know I don’t go near gear.”
“Even Polo Gear?”
“EVEN Polo Gear.”
“I CAN’T HELP IT. I LOVE GEAR!”
“Here’s the thing about The Salahis. They’re kind of the worst people EVER.”
“Are you MAD? You like Oprah too? First Tyra, then Oprah. Is there a black woman you DON’T like? They’re all so hideous to me. More Pimms please!”
“You can’t imagine how devastated the charity was about the missing gear. It almost made them forget about the missing funds! Wait, did I say that out loud? Haha, all funds are accounted for. And Tareq and I paid for that trip to Paris with… biscuits and starlight! Yes, that’s it! Biscuits and starlight.”
“I don’t know who this woman is in front of me, but she’s simply hideous. Certainly no Posh Spice, that’s for sure.”
“So I made a counter-offer on the house I want to buy. I didn’t pony up more money, but I did suggest that the sellers watch me and Ebong DO IT doggy style. You think they’ll bite?”
“Not only do you have the worst eating habits of my children, but your room looks like a freakin’ ice cream parlor. You think that’s healthy? For all I know, YOU stole the damn GEAR.”
“So Ebong, you put any more thought into my penis-measuring device?”
Ebong: “I already have one. It’s called Lynda.”
“Stacie, you’ll never find your father! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!”
“And check out this kitchen, kids. It even comes with a ladder. Ebong’s already promised to 69 me on it. It will be very acrobatic.”
Michaele: “Hi, love. I love you so much.”
Tareq: “Honey, you’re talking to a wall sconce.”
“Aren’t I dreadfully hilarious? I came dressed like Sarah Palin. Sounds like another chapter for my naughty memoir, Inbox Full. Best seller list here I come!”
“Has anyone seen my husband? I’m afraid I’ve lost him. Wait, let me guess: he’s pretending to be in an INXS video behind my back.”
“Are you the dreadful one who called me a bitch?”
“Well, I said your comments were bitchy.”
“Right. I think it’s rather hideous of you to say such things, especially when we all know you’re the one with the yorkshire puds stuck in her quim.”
“I don’t know what that means.”
“Of course not. You’re an American. With medical bills.”
“Hey, y’all. Before you load me into the ambulance, did you help yourselves to some cucumber sandwiches?”
“Bet you want universal healthcare now, don’t you, BITCH?”
What did you think about the episode? Should Cat have worn the Sarah Palin outfit? Did Lolly steal the gear? And what are your thoughts on Edwina?