Apologies for not covering last week’s Real Housewives of DC, but the blame can fall on Bravo for oddly neglecting to post screen caps from the episode. It’s too bad, really, as the whole show was full of passive-aggressive sniping and anti-Salahi grousing. Luckily, we had more of the same last night, which totally fine with me. The Salahis are truly proving themselves to be the Heidi and Spencer of Bravo, what with the allegations of skipping out on party bills, crashing Presidential events, and battling parental units for ownership of a vineyard. It’s hard to say what’s true and what’s false, but there always seems to be a cloud of shadiness swirling around the Salahis, and in the immortal words of Freedom Williams, it’s one of those “Things that make you say hmmmmmmmmmmm…”

Last night, the Salahis gave us three things to scratch our heads over. First, they allegedly crashed a Congressional Black Caucus event that the President was at. This news came courtesy of one of the many gays lurking around this cast (and for the record, the DC gays are ten times better than any of the other gays in the Housewives pantheon). The guy’s allegations sounded very legit, but later on, Michaele did make a sound point: you can’t just walk into a Presidential event undetected, particularly if you’re three of the only white people in the room. But then again, who knows…

The next curious development pertained to Tareq and his mother, who apparently are in a vicious feud over the vineyard, among other things. Fearing that she’d exact a harmful attack on him and his guests, Tareq hired a small army of pseudo Secret Service men to patrol the grounds and keep Mother away. This all begged a very important question: why was Mother waging a war on her son? Tareq brushed it off by saying that families will have their “drama,” but this seemed like a vast understatement if there ever was one. I’m not sure what exactly was going on, but at least now we know how the Salahis got into that party: clearly, they’d hired all the Secret Service people away to their vineyard.

Lastly, there was that whole grape issue. You see, the Salahis had invited over all the women to come stomp grapes, but upon arrival, the giant I Love Lucy-sized barrel had just a smattering of grapes inside. Worse yet, they weren’t even grapes from the vineyard. THEY WERE FRESH FROM COSTCO. Or the equivalent, thereof. The ladies were not impressed, particularly not Cat, who spent the entire afternoon bitching about the vineyard and launching passive-aggressive barbs at Tareq (props to the feisty assistant who finally snapped back and called Cat bitchy — an allegation that Cat was most horrified to hear). Perhaps the most entertaining / awful part about Cat was her repeated suggestion that as an American, Tareq was prone to be lacking manners, but it was in fact Cat who had the least amount of tact of the group. I swear, every time that woman appears on screen, I have to clutch a pillow to survive the awkwardness that surely will ensue.

Nevertheless, despite the fact that Tareq wanted some sort of competition to fill the most bottles in two minutes, the grapes yielded no juice whatsoever. That could be partly because they were supermarket grapes, but I tend to think the real reason is because there were like ten grapes in that thing. Normally, grape stompers tend to be knee deep in the stuff, but I guess things are done differently in Virginia.

Anyway, after the stomping, Cat happily zipped away with her gay, leaving the rest of the women (minus Lynda, who gladly refrained from attending the trip) to have dinner in the barrel room. Things seemed fine at first, but then talk shifted to Lynda. Michaele brought up the whole anorexia thing again, and when Mary tried to defend Lynda, the conversation veered into awkwardness. This was thanks mostly to Michaele, who has mastered the fine art of passive-aggressive smiling. She responded to every one of Mary’s comments with a cheerful rictus and sweet words like “love” (she apparently loves everyone, FYI) and “dear,” but bitch was angry. It was borderline scary seeing how controlled she kept her rage behind that empty smile. Of course, I didn’t have a problem with it. I love watching passive-aggressive women duke it out, and I believe Michaele won when she smilingly uttered, “It’s not good to insult people, don’t you think? Or do you feel good about that?”

Good times in DC.

“Wowwww!!! This is great! Yeah!! Thanks for inviting me, love! I love you, love!”

“Awww, Ted. I love you! I’m thrilled to sponsor this event (but for the record, I will NOT be paying for a single penny of it).”

“Awww, Ted. We love you. Here, drink our wine. It’s actually apple cider vinegar, but if you’re already drunk enough, you can’t tell the difference. Anything for you, love!”

“That bitch. Ted is MY gay!”

“Aw, I love you, phone.”

“Michaele, I’m afraid I might not be able to attend on Saturday. I seem to have a frightful groundhog attached to my neck at the moment, and I’m afraid he might be preparing to gnaw at my aorta. Terrible manners on this rodent, yeah?”

Cat: “I’m sorry, I know this is Mary’s dear friend’s show room, but aren’t all these chairs positively horrifying? I’m afraid my knobbly bottom doesn’t quite fit right in them.”

“It’s rather like these chairs were designed for a pack of roving Welsh peasants. I swear you could find a better seat in Prickwillow, and that’s certainly saying something, am I right?”

Cat: “Well isn’t this lovely? Being trapped in a car with a bunch of Americans who don’t know the difference between Pimms and their arse.”

Cat: “What’s that?”
Stacie: “Oh, it’s nothing you’d like.”
“Try me.”
“Well… it’s the latest Tyra Banks newsletter.”

Cat: “What sort of vineyard is this with guards and rifles and such? Why do we need security in the middle of nowhere? This is hardly the same as taking the Tube out to Cockfosters.”
Stacie: “Cock what?”
“Just go back to that dreadful Tyra Banks email. Bollucks.”

“Awww, I love you, security guard.”

“Welcome to the vineyard, everyone! As a total gag, we put ‘Charles Shaw’ labels on our wine, but don’t worry, it’s TOTALLY our wine. This is just a joke. 100% Salahi. Oh, and we put Trader Joe’s price tags on the bottles too, just to round out the effect. Yup. All vintage Salahi.”

“Mary, what are you doing there?”
“I’m putting my boots back on.”
“It’s a miracle they even get on, yeah? It’s like you’re walking around on two tree trunks. Sturdy old girl, aren’t you?”
“Excuse me?”
“Just say bollucks. Makes everything feel better, doesn’t it? BOLLUCKS!”

“It’s actually quite interesting, really. I wrote a whole chapter in my book, Inbox Full, about how my arms are actually ten inches long.”

“What is that hideous thing wrapped around your neck? It looks as though you’ve been straight up strangled by seaweed. Nefarious, really.”

“Tareq, maybe it’s an American thing, but I was under the impression that Bill Cosby sweaters fell out of fashion in 1988.”
Michaele: “And we love you too, love.”

Michaele: “Oh I love that Lynda. She says some nasty things though, and I know she’s your best friend, but I love her.”
“She’s not my best friend. She’s a dear friend.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Yeah, your dear friend is wonderful. Kind of a bitch, but wonderful. I wonder… why is she so unhappy? And ugly. REALLY ugly. But I love her. And she’s your dear friend; so I won’t say anything.”
“Thank you.”
“I mean… she’s a bit of a whore, but that’s okay. She’s great. Love her.”

“For the record, I don’t talk badly about anyone behind their backs.”

“You just insult them. Okay, that’s fine. I still love you.”

“No, I don’t insult them either.”

“No? That’s funny. Because you seem to insult people a lot, love. But you’re great. I love you.”

“If I don’t have anything nice to say, I don’t say it.”

“Of course not. You always are kind. Although, you can be a real nasty bitch too, love. But I love you. You’re great.”

“I feel like Tareq wants to say something.”

Tareq: “I like my Bill Cosby sweater, and I don’t care what any of you have to say about it.”

“Also, dinner will be $130 from each of you.”

What did you think about the episode? What about the Salahis? And Cat?

32 replies on “REAL HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Stomp The Yard”

  1. You must check out the most recent “Real Sports” with Bryant Gumble. There was a long profile about the Salahi’s, largely because of his polo connections. Mostly the profile focused on how they are con artists who are essentially bankrupt. There was even a panel of disgruntled former contractors who haven’t been paid. In typical Salahi style, the acted astounded by the allegations. It was awesome.

  2. The Salahis are the absolute WORST kind of people. There is NOTHING sincere about them. Everything is about putting on a show, hammering out the image they want to project, making people be the audience to their fake lifestyles. HORRIBLE, JUST HORRIBLE! With Michaele’s fake kisses and Tareq’s creepy winks, YUCK, JUST YUCK!

    And Cat. She is hilarious. But for the record, I would NEVER take her anywhere. There is no end to her haughty behavior…and I love it! Bollucks, darling, it’s bollucks.

  3. Vintage Salahi, Bil Cosby sweater…………………you kill me!!!!!!!!

    The Salahis are creepy, she has to take medicine to be like that, and Taraq must administer it to her, she’s like a Stepford wife

    I just see these two taking the show in a whole new possibly wrong direction

  4. “The Salahis are truly proving themselves to be the Heidi and Spencer of Bravo”…
    Swear to God, I thought the exact same thing last night.
    She really reminds me of Heidi.

  5. The Salahi’s are what would have happened if Chandler had ended up with Phoebe.

    1. I was thinking Arsenio Hall

      Cat is such a bitch. I was so glad the assistant called her out. Really more people need to tell her that she is so rude. I’m sick of her calling out American’s for not having manners. Talk about the pot calling the kettle.

      The Salahi’s are so fake! Why do you need armed guards against your mother? And if your mom doesn’t like you that really says a lot because moms tend to be the only one in your corner unless you are truly awful.

      You totally nailed Mickaele’s love this love that crap. How does one become a stepford wife? Freaky.
      Tareq’s sweater-hilarious! Did he pick that up at goodwill?

      1. “And if your mom doesn’t like you that really says a lot because moms tend to be the only one in your corner unless you are truly awful.”

        Reading this statement minutes after reading that the Salahis are like the Heidi and Spencer of Bravo (which is hilarious/true) reminded me of hearing that Spencer’s parents finally gave up on him completely within the past year or so and took pictures of him out of the house. Hmmm… the similarities continue.

  6. I can’t help myself, I do love Cat, love her, love. She has that truck driver gravelly voice, but then it is totally snobbed up with the British accent, brilliant, no I mean bollucks, love!

  7. Cat is like a younger, thinner, slightly more feminine Winston Churchill. I dig her too.

  8. Too bad Cat and LuAnn aren’t on the same show. I’d love to see them out-haughty each other…

    1. LuAnn would not approve of Cat’s blatantly rude comments but see the potential to set her straight, after all, elegance is learned…

      1. I’d like to imagine that Cat would just make mincemeat out of her. Luann’s condescending bullshit would surely soon be drowned out by ongoing cries of “BULLOCKS!”

    1. Wow. They truly have no shame, no? It is somewhat entertaining but I the more I read about them, the more I am disturbed about the lengths they will go to gain recognition. And, recognition as what? Social climbers and fame whores? Yipes. Have some self-respect. Also, kind of getting tired of Bravo promoting these types but I guess that’s why we all tune so who am I to judge, really? Soooooo conflicted! Anyhoo… off to bed!

  9. Charles Shaw!!! Classic…Aka Two Buck Chuck from Trader Joe’s….awesome!
    Salahis: toxic. Watch how when either of them feel cornered she spews out the “love” shit…what was that, Love? I LOVE You! He flips the course of the conversation as well as his wife does…apparently this happens next episode when Mary is reduced to tears. They are blacklisted from any event that includes real DC…trust me. Oh…and Oasis…the vineyard is the most forlorn hopeless mess of a vineyard in NoVA. The family battle goes back to 2004. Only grapes growing on those vines are sour ones.

  10. look, i’m just happy this episode aired so i dont have to see AYMORE promos of stacie saying with an accent: oh NOOOooo

    1. Jash…that was the only thing about her that made me cringe! Thanks for reminding me how much I couldn’t stand that “OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.”. NOOOOOOOOOOOOMore. Halleluliah!

  11. You should check out the Reliable Source column in the Washington Post. They’re great on all things Salahi and RHODC. They even had information in there on how the Salahis tried to get the grapes at a lower cost. Why try for a price reduction if you’re gonna skip out on paying for them anyway.

    My WTF moment is if they all went out there in a limo, how did Cat and Jason get back to DC. It’s about 90 minutes away.

  12. Michaele’s passive-agressiveness was scary. EEK! Her and her husband are creepy.
    BUT…..Cat is horrible, too. She’s thinks she’s cute and sassy which makes it particularly unpleasant for me to watch her. Since when did being rude and inconsiderate constitute being “real?” There is a way to be “real” without being nasty. Loved the personal assistant calling her out. I wish the other cast mates would do it more often!
    Awesome photocaps, yet again!!!

  13. I just can’t figure out how they do all these things and hadn’t gotten caught until now. If it wasn’t so awful, I would almost admire them for being so succusessfully duplicitous (sp). They are like these serial killers that get away with their dastardly deeds for decades until a stupid mistake….like using 1/2 a pound of store bought grapes for a stomping!
    You know, after this is all over, they could actually make money online with “Secrets of Crashing Big Time Parties and Pretending to Own Half the World.” And maybe they can give some lessons to the Giudiuces on discretion (oh wait…they would first have to teach them how to read and speak).

  14. With all being said, I still can’t bring myself to dislike them. Is there something wrong with me or am I just so full of anger at the NJ househoes that I can only despise one group at a time? I mean really, I don’t dislike any of the DC wives yet. I think I need help.

    1. No, I totally get you. There is something about this cast that is different from the others and I appreciate it. With the BIG exception of the Salahis, the wives don’t seem as tacky, ostentatious, vain, or pretentious. BUT, they’re still equally as catty and bitchy towards each other and it’s hilarious.

      1. What has stood out for me with this cast, different from all of the others, is that we have not yet had to listen to them talk about how great they look, how they keep their looks up, how hot they are, etc. We haven’t had to watch one of them go through a work out, get botox, plan plastic surgery, etc. In fact, as opposed to Alexis in the OC working out for days after eating a doughnut, we have Lynda commenting on how Michaele is too skinny. They seem much less concerned about their looks and fashion. Of course, they clearly are, but they haven’t focused on it.

        Now watch, next week will be a group visit to the plastic surgeon!

    2. I’m in the same boat…I don’t dislike any of them yet but I am actually closer to disliking Cat than I am Michaele right now. I just feel bad for Michaele, I feel like she thought she got her Cinderella story only to realize prince charming was still a slimy toad.

  15. I know many many British people and none of them are nasty and bitchy like Cat. I would be embarrassed to take her anywhere as she hides being nasty and rude behind “the truth”….and who dresses her? Her stuff looks like remains from fur traps. Where are the paint throwing PITA people when you need them?

  16. I’d like to thank the Salahi’s for my next party theme. All you need is a plastic kiddie pool, a bunch of grapes from Publix, some bottles of wine, some snacks, and voila! You have a grape stomp or whatever they called it.

    I’ll suggest this to the women in my neighborhood who watch the show. It would also be fun to dress as your favorite housewife… Oh the gears are turning now. Where can I get a tacky animal pelt this time of year????????

  17. HaHaHaHa.. my first time posting and I might be a bit late but check out what Stacie had to say on her blog.. “A hilarious scene you didn’t see was Cat bringing store bought grapes and bottles of wine into the limo — in mocking anticipation of there not being any grapes or wine at the Vineyard. CLASSIC! There was real debate about what we were going to see at Oasis. Cat would prove prophetic.” Love it! And now I love Cat!

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