Oh the joy of Kim G. The unofficial sixth (or rather, fifth) housewife from The Real Housewives of New Jersey had a gloriously daffy blowout with Danielle that proved to be every bit as chaotic and awesome as we could have expected. The trouble began when Danielle asked her to help find her biological mother. A teary-eyed Kim G happily agreed and even passed along the number for what we imagined was some sort of private eye. Yes, all was well with Danielle & Kim (or Dim, for short) until an ill-fated family meal at the local diner. Christine mentioned to her mom that a gossipy eyebrow woman had spread rumors about Danielle seeking out her real mom (or “mum,” as Danielle seemed to say). This was no good. Danielle had been hoping to tell her daughters herself about her quest, and the fact that this random woman from perhaps Chateau: The Art of Beauty already knew about it meant that Kim G had started to gab about it. Either that, or the private eye had. Or maybe the producers merely asked Teresa what she thought about Danielle searching for her mother. Nevertheless, Danielle did what she always does: interpreted events in the worst possible way. Within seconds she was on the phone asking advice from Danny, whose stint in jail clearly suggests a penchant for rational judgment.
Soon, Kim G had graduated to the “enemies” list, which is becoming something of a rite of passage on this show. Danielle immediately began a smear campaign, apparently telling the women in town not to trust ol’ Mrs. Granatell. When Kim found out about this, she was livid (and rightfully so). She immediately marched over to Jacqueline’s house, and despite there being a baby right under her nose, she proceeded to swear up a storm worthy of the state of New Jersey. Yes, it was awn.
Eventually the women came face to face in a very fancy establishment called Portobello. It didn’t take long for the claws to come out, with Danielle accusing Kim of being two-faced and Kim accusing Danielle of taking advantage of her kindness. Soon napkins were thrown, and before long, the two women were storming out of the restaurant, with Kim screaming in her loudest, most shrill voice. You know, the KIM voice. Needless to say, Harry the chauffeur won’t be picking up Ms. Staub anytime soon.
Elsewhere in the episode, Teresa once again regaled us with tackiness as she and Joe celebrated the christening of their new daughter, Audriana. I think this entire storyline can be summed up by mentioning that there was a Marie Antoinette figure serving sushi to the guests. And an ice sculpture of a CROSS. As usual, Caroline and the crew just laughed it off, saying something like “Only Teresa!” or “That’s so Teresa!” WHY IS THIS ACCEPTABLE? The woman is a spoiled, tacky glutton. How can these people be so casually accepting?
Nevertheless, here is the photocap:
“I wanna have a lotta stuff. Gimme an ice sculpture that says Audriana. And an ice sculpture of a cross. And an ice sculpture of two swans. And then two live swans that will sit on top of the ice swans. And give them little hats. Made of ice. And make sure the ice hats say Audriana. And then make the swans serve sushi.”
“Hello, I’m here for my 3 PM appointment of awkwardness.”
“Wait a second. You’re not the usual girl. I don’t know you. How SADISTIC of my gyno to change personnel on me. He’s probably working with the enemies. It’s the ultimate dis. I will not clap.”
“Admit it, lady. You work for the Manzos, don’t you? You’re about to give me a poison pen to fill out some forms with. Next thing you know, the pen explodes, poison gets on my fingers, and two seconds later I pass out. Guess what? Then I don’t wake up. Now my daughters don’t have a motha. THEN ARE YOU HAPPY? THEN ARE YOU HAPPY???”
“Oh my God, Mom. I’m not going to have sex. You think I’ll ever be able to erase the image of you DOING IT on the Internet? I want to barf.”
“Hey boys. Ever been with an older woman before? I bet neither of yous know what senior cooch tastes like, huh?”
“Mommmmmm, stop it…”
“How about you, Christopher? Want to see a flower in full bloom?”
“No, thanks Mrs. Granatell.”
“Okay, I’ll leave yous with the popcorns. But if you change your mind, I’ll be in my bedroom. And I won’t be wearing my underwears.”
Joe: “Ain’t nobody bother me right now. I’m lifting weights.”
“Hey Joe. JOE! Call up Christopher and tell him I want two more ice sculptures, and I want them to look like these Gucci shoes. And then tell him I want real Gucci shoes on top of them. And then I want ice sculptures of feet in the shoes. And then on top of the feet I want slices of cheesecake.”
“Christopher, where are the ballerinas wearing sparklers and serving pizza and chocolate mousse? This is supposed to be a fancy affair!”
“Look at the baby!”
“She looks just like you, Teresa!”
“Thanks. Tomorrow’s her first pageant!”
“When I heard that Teresa’s eyebrow woman knew about my search for my biological mum, I felt betrayed. Only one person knew about that: Kim G! And, well, all the producers on this show who may or may not have asked Teresa about it.”
“I mean, this was supposed to be a private affair between me, my birth mum, and ALL OF AMERICA.”
Person on phone: “Excuse me, Miss, but you do realize that you’ve called Planters Peanuts Customer Service, yes?”
Kim G: “You were right all along. That whore face bitch cunt is the worst thing I have ever seen.”
“Um, language.”
“What? You think your fucktard baby is gonna pick up some bad words? Bullshit.”
“Now I see Kim G’s true colors. And just in time, too. For all I know, she was building a gas chamber out back. Next thing you know, I’m walking into it thinking I’m in the new rumpus room, Kim locks the door behind me, odorless gas fills my nostrils, I pass out, I hit my head, and I don’t wake up. Then my daughters don’t have a motha! THEN IS SHE HAPPY? THEN IS SHE HAPPY?!?!?”
“Hello, bitch.”
“Whore.”
“I have been nothing but a friend to you!”
“But you take everything I say and tell it to Teresa.”
“THAT’S WHAT FRIENDS DO!”
“No, they don’t!”
“Hold on, I’m writing this down for Teresa. What did you just say?”
“I will not clap for this napkin.”
“I GAVE you that napkin, and you’re a LIAR if you say otherwise!”
“You BITCH! Don’t think I don’t know what you were trying to do with this napkin! Clever Kim G. Think you can just throw it at me, knowing that it could very well land in my mouth, block my throat, and CHOKE ME TO DEATH? That’s assault with a deadly weapon. And guess what? I could have died. Then my daughters wouldn’t have a motha. Then are you happy, Kim? THEN ARE YOU HAPPY?”
“That napkin was a napkin of FRIENDSHIP!”
“And you THREW IT BACK AT ME, just like you threw our friendship!”
“I did no such thing! I gave you my friendship napkin!”
“Well guess what? It was stained.”
“That’s because it was a napkin. Napkins get stained.”
“And now our friendship is stained.”
“Okay, that’s enough. I want the napkin back.”
“No. I’m keeping it.”
“So you want to keep our friendship? Is that what you’re saying?”
“THIS IS NOT A FRIENDLY NAPKIN!”
“Bullshit! It’s a friendly napkin AND YOU KNOW IT!!!!”
“Wrong. It’s a deadly weapon. I’m going down to the courthouse and filing complaints.”
“You don’t file complaints, you idiot. You file CHARGES!”
“Well, this is a violation of napkin law.”
“Listen to me, there is no napkin law.”
“Don’t tell me there’s no napkin law. I know good and well all about napkin law.”
“You just want a free napkin.”
“This napkin was donated to me by charity!”
“The charity of ME!”
“I don’t need your napkin charity.”
“Then give the napkin back.”
“The napkin is mine. And I will keep it to remind my daughters of the evil napkins that exist in this world.”
“You just want to play the napkin victim!”
“There are only two truths about this napkin: name change and it was arrested. Pay attention, PUH-LEEZ!”
“What are you talking about? That napkin’s never been arrested. It’s a napkin.”
“Listen to you, trying to take away my napkin. Do you know how many years I went without a napkin? My daughters have a napkin, thank God, but I never had one. I… I just want to smell it. I want to hold it.”
“You need to calm down.”
“I’m very calm.”
“CALM DOWN!”
“I’m perfectly fine.”
“CALM DOWN!!!!!!!”
“I will not be terrorized with this napkin the way I was terrorized through that country club. Your TERROR NAPKIN will not win!”
“Don’t you forget, girlfriend, that napkin’s from Paterson. Did you forget? Did you forget???”
Danielle: “You stay away from me, Kim G. That’s E-FUCKIN-NUFF!”
“You’re a liar, Danielle! I have been nothing but a great friend to you! Now if you excuse me, I HAVE TO GET TO TAP CLASS!!!”
What did you think about the episode? Was the fight worth it? When will Bravo make Kim G an official cast member? And what did you think about the party?
The NJ housewives always have drama involving table settings…
What happens in the rumpus room, stays in the rumpus room.
OMG. The napkin commentary was classic. I choked on my coffee.
Danielle and her delusions amuse me to know end. Kim went from sister to enemy in two seconds. Classic. And unless you’re contemplating a murder, why call Danny?
Kim G needs to be hired as the fifth housewife.
The scripted/extremely set up elements of the show come off as extremely awkward – both Kim G/Caroline lunch set up scenes.
Joe looked like he could have literally (Rachel Zoe forced me to use that word) killed Teresa at least eight times in that episode.
For some reason I now want to have an ice sculpture cross at every event I throw. Such a nice touch.
My impression of Kardashian fans: Hi, I’m 14 and I like to watch her show and I like to jerk off to her when I see her. I have no girefrilnd and I like to play my PS3 all day. I’m jerking off right now while I’m watching this video. I’m cumming, I’m cumming, I’M CUMMING
Funny everytime!
You killed me with Planters Peanuts. I bow. I die. You own me you brilliant man.
And the napkin sequence is simply priceless!
You forgot to add the square tits comment. Other than that, perfect!
So glad you noticed that too.
Tap Class. Perfection. LOVES.
Great episode. Loved the recap.
Two things about this episode (besides all the fabulousness you already mentioned).
How the hell does Joe expect to keep that gigantic palazzo of a house by running that little two-bit pizzaria? Not to mention keeping Tre and the girls in all their tacky designer crap. Is there money coming in from someplace else? wink? wink?
And poor Jillian… nervously dunking her french fries into her strawberry shake while Danielle spins outta control. Any time she asks a question, Danielle just shrieks at her!
Yes on these two things! Jillian was offering some very good, calm, rational insight as to why everyone is finding out Danielle’s business. Perhaps somebody overheard you, mom. See that camera crew? Can’t wait for DC housewives.
And of course….the ever borderline psychotic Danielle blames Jacqueline for the whole Kim G. Debacle in her blog at Bravotv.com:
And Jacqueline, nice try in trying to make the world think you are innocent in any of this. Let me break it down for you; you knew she was hanging out with me and you kept her around ONLY because she was hanging out with me, which in essence makes you the biggest instigator of them all. Nice try though, Jacqueline. You are becoming very sloppy with your obsession with me. Clean it up, girl.
I guess you can’t trust anybody around you unless they are an ex-con nowadays.
Two words I never want to see together again: senior cooch.
Foul mouthed, classless, bored and boring Grim G. Now that’s a PERFECT fit for the new 4th housewife of New Joisey. I’ll definitely clap to that.
Next time Teresa throws a wedding (um, I mean a Baptism), remind me to be tardy for the party. It was as gauche as Teresa and I now know why no one really knew The Brownstone before this show. It apprears to be a ticky tacky place that anyone with any kind of class would never be invited to anything happening there.
And I so agree with the poster concerning Jacqueline. She was so excited to hear the dirt about Danielle that she didn’t seem to mind that Grim G. was spewing expletive after expletive in front of her child. I seem to remember her doing similar stuff with her son D.J….like calling Danielle a pig. And of course, she was so upset with Assley about her “unbeweavable” comment on Facebook, she just had to name her blog “Unbeweavable”. Unbelievable hypocrite. Elch.
Dear G-d,
Pu-lease do not renew this HW franchise. Pu-lease! They are all an embarrassment to the state of New Jersey.
Forever grateful if you do not,
BonBon
I read on Dina’s Bravo blog that she did the decorations for the hoopla, and she is responsible for the Marie Antoinette sushi skirt. (seriously, wtf?)Personally, I think it would’ve been more entertaining if she was represented post-beheading.
Why on earth would someone claim responsibility for that atrocity?
And here I was thinking that Dina was the one with taste on this show. Jeff Lewis needs to be let loose on these gaudy, tasteless, leopard-loving ladies.
Oh my god. Your commentary was A+ I am literally dying from laughter
As much as I hate giving Kim G. exactly what she wants, I think she needs to be an official Housewife for this franchise. She’s much more entertaining than the Manzos acting like such a perfect family which I have grown to find nauseating. I’m happy for them, but enough…I get it.
I felt bad for John G., Kim’s son. You can tell he’s horrified with everything his mother does but knows it’s better to just shut up than to go against her.
Seeing Kim’s son, I am again amazed how many of these crazy women can still raise nice, self-aware offspring:
Ramona and Avery
Vicki and Brianna
Danielle and her daughters
But I guess it can go both ways:
Kim Z. and Brielle
Theresa and Gia
I agree with you about John, it was like he couldn’t look at his mother in the face when she was in the room with them. It’s no wonder he’s always at the Manzos, who wants to bring their friends around this wack-a-do!
Does Danielle ever send some food out to Danny? The least she can do is ship him out a calamari appetizer to munch in her Rover while he’s hanging out in parking lots.
Ha! Too funny. Poor Danny.
I think the whole ‘happy wife, happy life’ thing is no longer working for Joe.
Yes- pizzeria Joe and spendy Teresa are getting hard to watch.
Thank God the nurse/receptionist knew Danielle’s name. You could tell she really felt all the love in that gyno reception area. UNLIKE THE MANZOS ever will.
That Kim G. is so SADISTIC!
Seriously though, bitch is crazy.
Danielle really has a brass pair to be lecturing her daughter about having sex, seeing as she’s been a STRIPPER, and she definitely seems like the type to attempt to trade sexual favors for, um…anything.
Bravo, once again, B-Side on a fantastic photocap.
Whenever Danielle says that someone is her “true friend that has her back” it is like the kiss of death. The next thing we see is her ‘friend’ telling Danielle what a low class skeezer she is.
So do all the Franklin Lakes women get their eyebrows done by the same person.?
hb
I have never seen a baptism the likes of that. I am Italian, and grew up among other Italians, and we never did anything like that. So tasteless!
Danielle plays that victim card constantly, and it’s getting old and square boobed.
Kim G is too old to wear her skirts that short. Her screaming at Danielle had me LOL.
Danielle is just too vile for words. to purposefully put her daughter’s first GYN visit on TV is not only despicable as a parent to do, but truly embarrassing for her daughter. Its amaxing the father hasn’t stepped in and said that’s enough. I know many of us had said it before but her kids are going to need some serious therepy when they get older.
And how come Danielle is all of a sudden a re-born again Virgin Mary? Telling her daughter not to have sex, that its disgusting and a horrible thing to do. Umm……Danielle, i don’t think you are a great addvocate for abstienence when YOU HAVE A SEX TAPE! WTF!
This “women” is so crazy, she makes medically diagnosed insane people sane! I will not clap for her ever, Ever, EVER!!!!!!
The thing that gets me about Kim G is that she apparently has all that money–lives extraordinarily well, has a driver take her all about town etc., then she opens her mouth and LORD, the filth that comes out is just stunning. Even if this is her real personality, I would have toned it down for TV if I was her. Money can’t buy you class indeed.
MONEY CAN”T BUY YOU CLASS!
I find that I have to watch the show with one eye covered. It is so hard to watch. I wish they would just throw out the entire cast and redo. Caroline never leaves her house without a family member holding her hand, dina just dropped out probably because she couldn’t handle the drama and probably didn’t want to leave her house without her cats, jacqueline with annoying ashley and now we have to see her toting around the child and then there’s theresa, who only leaves the house with her brood. I prefer the OC & NY housewives, they interact with each other, do some back=stabbing, ass-kissing and then we don’t see them til the next get-together. having to see NJ with their family is way too boring. Bravo, please do not bring these NJ wives back. Recast now. Really looking forward to DC.. The look like women who can lunch together and have a life without dragging their kids around with them all the time.
The Portobello Pigs were in a full rut, as usual. It literally curled my eyebrows.
Could Danielle puh-lease take Danny to the eye brow woman!? good lord his eyebrows are approaching uni-brown status!
Mrs. G was acting like a total nut job at Portobello PSYCHO old lady drama