The Italian odyssey continued on The Real Housewives of New Jersey as the Giudice, Manzo, and Laurita clans all escaped the cruise ship and headed inland for a family reunion of epic proportions. Actually, it wasn’t so much a reunion as it was a giant kiss-fest, with seemingly twenty minutes of airtime dedicated to people kissing each other on the cheek. Truth be told, it was very charming, and I’m probably not the only one whose heart melted when Joe’s grandmother attacked all her little bambinos with thousands of adoring kisses. It was hard not to be caught up in the moment, but of course, the continued tackiness of Teresa happily undermined any pleasant thoughts I may have been having.

This was undoubtedly a stellar showcase for Teresa’s educational and stylistic shortcomings. Early on in the episode, when the families clamored into their hotel rooms in Napoli, Teresa introduced her daughters to the bidet, which she described as a “little sink,” which is a mildly horrifying thought. Even more horrifying was her pronunciation of the word “bidet,” which she amusingly mangled into “bid-EHHH.” Not “bid-ay,” not “bid-ette,” but “bid-EHHHHH.” It was almost as if she was parodying herself, but that would require a self-awareness that I’m not sure she possesses.

As usual, Teresa dolled up her kids in ridiculous outfits the entire day, but the coup de grace was a final dinner party, which had the little demons enter a room in frilly, pink monstrosities that surely would have elicited a vicious taunt from Michael Kors. I truly fear for what the future has in store for these kids.

Joe, meanwhile, spent most of the episode in an irascible mood, which proved to be more or less funny. The guy is so stereotypically 1950s Italian American, it’s almost a joke. He seemed particularly peeved when the hotel bill in Naples proved to be about three times more expensive than the original estimate. Clearly this would annoy anyone, but I suppose when you’re $11 million in debt with only a pizza place to make ends meet, it could be a touch stressful.

As for Caroline and Albert, they seemed to be just barely keeping it together. They politely refrained from making any nasty comments about the Giudice kids, but oh man, you could tell they wanted to rip into them. It was killing them. KILLING THEM. We all know Caroline was just dying to grab little Milania by the arm, point a finger in her face, and yell “Now listen to me, you little turd. Shut the hell up before I toss you off this Godforsaken mountain that none of us can climb up.”

At least Jacqueline’s kids seemed well behaved. I guess that’s no surprise given that Chris seems to have a good head on his shoulders (he IS Caroline’s brother, after all). Jacqueline, however, has proven to be more annoying than ever. Kind of came out of nowhere, but on this Italian trip, she’s really revealed an idiotic side. It’s almost like she thinks she’s more clever or cutesy than she really is. She is by no way as awful as Teresa, but I could see myself going nuts if I were stuck with her for ten days.

Back in America, meanwhile, Danielle was relishing her Manzo-free neighborhood. Without Caroline et al in town, she was now free to visit a panini shop in Franklin Lakes without the fear of some masked assailant striking her down with a sledgehammer or pickaxe or hair-pulling device. Phew! If you think I’m joking, you’re sadly mistaken. Danielle informed us that she had literally avoided her favorite panini place because she believed she’d be attacked and terrorized. The narcissistic paranoia that dominates this woman’s life is unbeweavable. Nevertheless, with news that the panini shop was temporarily unoccupied by enemy forces, Danielle happily rode over with her gal pal Danny, all the while making proclamations that there was a different energy in town now that the Manzos were gone. That’s right: she was literally acting as if she were in Paris for the first time since the liberation.

There was some other junk about Danielle’s quest to find her mom, but I’m running out of steam. On to the photocap!

“I can’t wait to get to the hotel and wash my hands in the BID-EHHHH.”
Joe: “You mean the douche?”

“Do you think if we hurl ourselves out this window, anyone would miss us?”
“I don’t fuckin’ care. Just get me away from those kids.”

“Girls, I want to talk to you about something very serious. I want you to listen. Mommy is going to buy a panini. There is a strong chance that I’ll be beaten, raped, and murdered in the process. If that happens, Mommy loves you very much.”

“Okay, girls. It’s time. Mommy has to be brave. There may be men with guns, women with machetes, and robots with lasers, but I swear, I WILL GET MY PANINI.”

“Hey Joe. JOE! You gonna lick my pussy tonight while your tongue still tastes like pizza??”
“Tre, not in front of the girls.”
“Okay. We’ll wait ’til they’re asleep.”

“Hey Joe. JOE! Is that Mount Vestuvio? JOE. Mt. Vestuvio! Look, Milania! It’s a volca– volcanor? Volcanie? I don’t know how to say it. I only been speaking English since I was in Kindergarten.”

“The mooks at that hotel charged us a thousand dollars for cognac. Thousand dollar cognac. And I know none of yous had no cognacs. I certainly didn’t. The only times I drink cognacs is after I flip a car, on account of yawning and pressing the gas pedal for a second.”

“I mean, why would we run up a minibar bill? None of us are alcoholics or nothin’. It’s not like we’re boozin’ out of control and doing crazy things like, you know, driving around Franklin Lakes at 2 AM.”

“Hey Tre. TRE. Tell the kids to shut up with all this bullshit. We gonna act fuckin’ civilized.”

“Okay, Danny. Keep an eye out. This place is crawling with panini assassins just WAITING to pull my hair.”

Joe: “Wow, we’re gettin’ pretty high up. I think I’m getting some altitude sickness. All dizzy and stuff. That’s probably what happened to me in the truck. Yeah, that’s it. I had some altitude sickness, and it made me yawn and press the accelerator and do shots of Scotch. Yeah, that’s it.”

“Joe, I wanna go shopping.”
“Aw, c’mon Tre. We already went to Chanels.”

“Here’s the thing. Teresa’s kids aren’t so much undisciplined as they are the spawn of Satan.”

Caroline: “Let me tell you a something about my spaghetti. It’s as thick as thieves, and I eat it with fresh parm ’til the end.”

Danielle: “Basically, all I want from you guys is to infiltrate enemy lines and buy me a panini.”

“I need to find my mom. I need to make sure she’ll be safe in case she’s ever terrorized at a panini shop.”

“And as I sat there and watched the man behind the counter SADISTICALLY place the mozzarella over the sopressata, I could tell that he had dipped each bit of meat in rat poison, as per the instructions of the Manzos. So I said to him, ‘You better start fresh with new meat that ISN’T poisoned.’ If I hadn’t said that, then the next thing you know, I would have eaten a poison panini, died on the spot, and then my daughters don’t have a mother. THEN ARE THEY HAPPY? THEN ARE THEY HAPPY???”

“And then they told me they were out of Boar’s Head. It was the ultimate dis. I will not clap for that panini maker.”

“Okay girls. This is a pact. We will NEVER be terrorized while getting a panini ever again!”

Teresa: “So did everyone like the pretty dresses on the girls? I told the tailor I wanted them to look like crumpled tissues.”

What did you think about the episode? There were so many priceless, awful moments that I’m positive I’ve neglected. What were your favorites?

70 replies on “REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NJ PHOTOCAP: When You’re Here, You’re Family”

  1. I especially loved the bidet part. Also when Danielle was discussing her ‘ethinticity’ with the private investigators.

    And how neglected does little Gabriella seem? She’s clinging to Albert cause she can’t get attention anywhere else.

    1. I’ve always thought the same thing about poor Gabriella. She doesn’t look like the other kids – fortunately for her – and seems to get no attention. She’ll probably be the devoted daughter who spends her life paying off Gia’s credit cards and bailing Milania out of jail. This has the makings of a Nora Ephron movie.

      1. Unfortunately I have nothing witty to contribute but I couldn’t let that last comment pass without an LOL — I WILL CLAP for the Guidice girls’ sequel to “Hanging Up.” Poor baby Audriana… she will devolve into another strip-mall terrorizing (or, as Danny would say, “terroristic”) feral creature in only a few years. I know this has been said before, but you know a person is truly disgusting when you begin to SYMPATHIZE with a nutjob like Danielle.

      2. I keep seeing and Italian version of Little Women with the girls calling Teresa “Marmee”.
        Seriously – they already have the pantaloons.


  2. Teresa’s kids outfits were just hideous and absolutely hilarious. Did the one kid have matching pants under that dress? I’m hoping one of them stand up to Teresa soon and say hell no to her outfits.

    What was with Danny having young girls keeping tabs on Ashley? He said, “She came to me and said what can I do for you?” Ugh, that sounds so wrong. Oh and what was Danielle’s PI saying they found court records on her mom but it might take ten year to access them? WTF?

  3. The Guidice girls’ dresses (did anyone else notice that everyone else at the farewell dinner were still in their day/mountain climbing clothes? does this mean that Theresa brought those ridiculous outfits with her on the bus and hauled her kids into some bathroom to change? She’s beyond. She’s actually beyond beyond). The Joe rant that clearly reflected his awareness and panic over his family’s financial chaos. The chronic mispronunciation of Pan-nee-nee by Danielle and her pathological need to use “woman” to refer to both singular and plural females. It was all JUST. TOO. MUCH. I can’t wait for this nonsense to be over.

  4. The girl’s dresses were a remake of the tradtional garb of the young girls from the Village of the Little Sinks which is where Joe grew up.

  5. I counted, and Danielle said “panini” seven times.

    And after seeing the previews for next week – Danielle mafia? Really? – I too can’t wait for this to be over.

  6. Why don’t the producers realize that the search for birth parents (like Danielle and Nene have done) does not make for compelling tv? I loved when Danielle told christine she was “too beautiful and too spiritual” to curse.

    1. Yes! Especially considering the filth that spews out of Danielle’s mouth. Christine’s spirituality consists of praying that none of the other kids are looking when her mom drops her off at school.

    2. Personally, my sister and I are DYING for them to find that sociopath’s birth vag; we grew up with a specimen that would sooo fit the bill and have a little side-bet going as to her parentage…and that little teaser from the PI that they could go “up there” gives me hope–could she come from upstate NY?!

      1. It pissed me off when Danielle said she wouldn’t see her mother if she were an addict or homeless, and that this search was to benefit Danielle, not her mother. Excuse me, but this woman could have aborted your ass. Instead, she sacrificed for 9 months and made the mature decision to have you raised by someone more capable (in hindsight, probably would have been better to leave you in a mail box). I think Danielle ought to show some gratitude.

        1. I see you have never lived with a drug abuser or someone who is homeless. I have done both.

          My exhusband and sister are drug abusers and believe me the things they have done are horrible. It’s no way for children to live. Plus Danielle has her own issues she can’t afford to take on anyone elses problems.

          I also grew up in a home where we were taught to give back to the family, community and world. My family has done tons of volunteer work. My mom use to take homeless people in and try to set them on the right path. Believe me when I say this, D can’t take anyone homeless in with those two girls in the house. Homeless people have a lot of mental, psycological and substance problems. Living on the street is not easy. They become very good at telling tales. Typically, bringing one to your home around your teenager daughters is not a good thing.

          I applauded when D outlined her stipulations. When you have childen, you have to be very careful of what you bring in to their worlds. It looks like D’s judgement is getting better.

          1. I never suggested Danielle offer Mommy room and board. But her unwillingness to even learn whether there she could do anything to help is flat-out selfish.

          2. Trust me on this. If the Danielle finds her mom and the woman has $$$ on top of a drug/drinking prob., Danielle WILL eat her words because what Danielle is really looking for is her *rich* birth mama!! Remember, not to long ago, Danielle said her birth mama came from a very wealthy family! If the story of a wealthy birth family is true, that means….. If her Grandparents are gone, they had to have left their money to someone, right?? Might one of those peeps be her birth mama??

            Danielle’s only looking out for HERSELF!! She’s not even looking out for her daughters, such as you suggested. It’s all about HER!! With no money coming in other than child support and the $3,333 from the show, which I believe she no longer receives, Danielle “quest” is purely monetary!! To believe otherwise would be idiotic on anyone’s part!! Just saying…..

          1. Perhaps birthin mom may not want anything to do with a PROSTITUTION WHORE of a daughter. Ever think of that Danielle?

          2. Love it! I can just hear the mom telling the detective, “I want to meet her, but not if she is an addict, or homeless, or a prostitution whore.”

  7. “Okay. We’ll wait ’til they’re asleep.”…..HILARIOUS! It’s funny cuz it’s true.

      1. “Tre” goes on and on about how much her and Joe “do it” but I don’t buy it for a second (those who talk about it the most, do it the least)

          1. That’s ok DearT, that’s the effect this show can have on you…. Those outfits? Yikes. Just wearing those could cause childhood trauma. Why does Teresa have to be so ‘over the top’ ? Her kids are going to keep a few psychiatrists well-dressed if she doesn’t mellow out a little.

        1. Yup, gotta agree with you on that!! And add this to the mix…. if you have to tell your husband “I love you” 3 times before he says it back, that means something! However, the ditz doesn’t seem to get it, or does she?? I think deep down, she does but she sure in the hell isn’t gonna let us know that!!

          “Joe’s tired from working 16+ hrs a day”. Okay T, I believe that one… LOL!! My husband use to work long hrs like that too but he never treated me like that. And had he, I wouldn’t have stood for it!! That’s the diff between T and I. No matter how much chedder my husband was bring in, or not in their case now, I wouldn’t stay around to be treated like that. T should stop with the “I love you” and hugging up on him because when he ignores her, she’s the one who looks like the fool. Oh wait, what am I saying….. she looks and sounds like a fool every day of the week!! Ooops!!! Just saying

  8. Ugh. Theresa…. where to start?? Everything was so ridiculous. That whole trip was not about reconnecting with family. It was about Theresa showing off all of her perceived (and completely false) fabulousness to her poor, sweet, simple relatives in the old country. Those horrible outfits were the icing on that ugly, ugly cake. @Harvarti — YES! It made me insane that she hauled all those fancy (ugly) clothes with her on the bus and then changed all those girls for this big entrance while everyone there was dressed in their street clothes enjoying a normal dinner. Seriously? Look at the baby in that last pic… that poor thing can hardly hold her head up with that ridiculous head dress thingy! I also just read online that Tre and Joe were busted for spending $60K on curtains and expensive furniture days AFTER they declared bankruptcy. No shame.

    The ‘pa-nee-nee’ jokes had me rolling! Robots with lasers! Ha! Danielle is a complete nut. And, question — is Danny just spying on everyone all the time? How did he know the Manzo/Guidice/Laurita clans were all out of town? Creepy.

  9. The little girls’ outfits looked more German to me (in an Oktoberfest sort of costume). Theresa was completely overdressed for that dinner party. Ugh.

    The panini drama was so funny. I mean, yes, the other ladies are not nice to Danielle, but she carries on to such a ridiculous degree with playing up her fear. That is totally done for her court case, like she is trying to get some sort of mental distress out of it.

  10. Like everyone else alive, I thought those outfits were beyond horrendous. She should be ashamed of herself. I hope when Teresa gets older and goes into a nursing home, one of these girls dress her outrageously.

    If I saw correctly, it looked like Danielle went to a grocery store for her beloved panini. No?

      1. I’m a bit concerend for the Manzos–particularly from the two prior episodes, but Italy has been hard on them as individuals and may mount the strain (if I’m not imagining things) on them as a couple…I like them very much and hope i’m wrong, but they are at that age and place in life when there is a lot of work to be done to prevent growing apart as they lose their definition as “parents”…

        1. I totally agree. I think Joe’s having a breakdown knowing that without money Theresa will not be able to shop and spend and that’s all she knows. I doubt he is worried she will leave him, cuz who would have her! Joe was hilarious on tonights episode. He should be a regular and replace caroline… very nice lady but boring. I too believe the manzo’s marriage may be in trouble. Albert does not seem happy around caroline and i’m wondering if she didn’t put too much attention on her kids and not her man, JMO.

          I wish they would have stuffed danielle in a trunk and dropped her off in the middle of the ocean. She is a nasty, mean, crazy woman and it’s still not fun to watch.

          Theresa is too tacky for words and I’m really starting to like her even if she didn’t start speaking english til “kindiegarten” Thank god she didn’t want to jump joe’s bones all night. She really needs to rethink her wardrobe til she loses all that baby (ass/belly) fat. Not a pretty sight in that white dress will the decor at belly level.

  11. I feel so sorry for the future bridesmaids of Teresa’s daughters. If I had a daughter who was currently friends with one of them, I would make sure they had a falling out before they were in danger of being asked to stand up in her wedding & end up wearing the adult version of whatever the hell it was they were wearing on last night’s show.

    Also, more importantly-who was the hottie tagging along (wearing the shades & lending Teresa his phone) while they were trekking up & down the hill???

  12. I have been waiting ALL day for B-Side to make a comment about Vesuvius blowing up 60 years ago. Sigh, it was my favorite moment of the episode. That & when Joe cracked Caroline up by telling everyone to “act civilized”. Good stuff.
    Danielle, not going to even comment on. OK, that was a lie. Does she really forbid her kids from walking through parking lots because an animal might be crouching down between cars waiting to attack them? She is nucking futs.

    1. It did blow in 1944; obviously not as bad as the first time, but Teresa was right for once — it did blow up hundreds & hundreds of years ago AND approximately 60 years ago.

  13. Teresa: You should go on What Not To Wear. Those girls dresses were the seriously most awful things I ever saw on any child.
    Joe: You missed your calling. The Sopranos were cancelled – you coulda been a contenda!

  14. hahaha crumpled tissues, too funny I don’t know who is funnier your recaps or the comments, the village of little sinks ROTFLMFAO!!!

    Danielle, her freaking mother better not live in Upstate NY that’s where I live and we don’t need her up here!! Well she probably doesn’t know how to get up here anyways. She insists on telling e.v.e.r.y. single person she meets her life history and it always comes back to how awful her life has been finding her mother will not change that, it w/d be funny if her mother like lives in North Dakota or Idaho, and the whole Italian thing is wrong!!

    Joe, funniest guy on the whole trip!

  15. Surely there is another way up the hill. And why did they not bring Adriana to see the Grandmother?

    The dresses were AWFUL! And Teresa looked like a sausage in her dress. And WHY was there another dinner with Teresa and Joe acting like it was the event of the year with their stupid toasts?

    Caroline looked like she wanted to kill someone at that dinner.

    When Danielle talks with her girls it’s really creepy. Danny and is spying on everyone is super creepy.

  16. They way Danielle went on about that panini, I was definitely lusting after one last night.

    I don’t think it will ever stop being funny seeing Joe lug around, huffing and puffing over a thousand pieces of luggage. I have to feel for the guy.

    The food that Joe’s family made was enough to make that hike worth it.

  17. Just wanted to point out Teresa wasn’t mispronouncing “bidet” (the French word). She was using the word for it in the dialect of Italian that she and her family speak. That’s why it sounded so strange.

    Not to say she’s not ridiculous in general. The whole Vesuvius thing… wow.

    1. Yes! “Oo bi-duh” is totally the way an older relative who speaks dialectal Italian might pronounce it. I guess she didn’t know how to say it in English (or French).

  18. Am I the only person who thinks that Danny walks like he had a big bubba boyfriend in jail (and his heiny hasn’t recovered), or he’s been riding horses all day? (Watch him walk around Danielle’s foyer before the secret panini mission)

    Just my humble opinion.

  19. I think Danielle’s mother was Native and had some sort of foreshadowing and gave her up in protection. There is no way she will have left a trail for that predator to follow back to mum.

    And who calls their mother they never new MUM… shut the F up!

    And did anyone else think they could have brought a bit of food down to the buses for the poor people who sat hours waiting their return?

  20. Eth-ni-ti-city…sung to the tune of High Anxiety. “You’re are too…spiritual to curse like that”…head smack on that. Danny having people stalk Ashley…Perfect! The guy already has a record…and why was Danielle driving her “Range Rover” (car to anyone else)…and loser boy sitting in the passenger seat??? The “custom made” dresses/pantaloons had to be a joke by the Designer to see how much he could soak out of that woman. Joe. He needs to just stop flapping his meatball hole. Theresa…so many moments of demonstrating how much of an arrogant idiot she really is. The kids really are spawn of the devil…poorly misguided and unruly.
    Let’s find out why Danielle was canned, if it’s true. Sex tape? Wanted more money? WTH?????

    1. I think Danielle got canned because things have escalated to bodyguards with guns and talks of violence (Danielle). Maybe they don’t want the liability of something happening there. The lawsuit against Ashley and Teresa may have something to do with it, or perhaps the sex tape?? (I couldn’t help it, I had to look. She really does have a square boob- very disturbing!)

      I think there could be any number of reasons not to want to want a paranoid sociopath on the show…

      1. Was wondering the same thing…. guessed it was for one of those crazy little dogs? Or, possibly Danny when he sleeps over to keep watch against a Manzo/Guidice invasion? Although Jennifer30309’s is an excellent possibility as well….

  21. Funny. D wasn’t afraid of being murdered by Kim G. who wasn’t on the trip.
    Kim G actually showed up at D’s Scores’ birthday party and D wouldn’t get out of the car until she was escorted away.
    Amoeba brained Ashley had a nose job that looks like her mother’s nose job. All she now needs is a lobotomy to fix the rest of her.
    As much as I cannot stand Danielle, the show would really be nothing without her. Who would we really hate? Where would be the drama, except with the 4 little Giudice girls and Ashley?
    Your recap is the only funny thing about this show. Jacqueline thinking she is funny is the same as those people who say they have a sense of humor about everything: they cannot discern when somehthing is funny and something is not, so they think everything is funny. Which, in essence, makes absotutely NOTHING funny at all. Just BORING.
    One last thing, IMO I think the Manzos’ marriage is very very safe.

  22. No one is gonna wanna hear this, but I’m gonna say it. We need a whacky, obnoxious replacement for Danielle and Dina is just too timid and also again, a part of la familia.
    I think Bravo needs to cast the horrific Kim G. (who will never be accepted by Caroline and therefore, cause lotsa trouble probably through amoeba brain, Jacqueline) and possible, the equally obnoxious Elvira, who, interestingly might add a dimension to it as I think she is NOT Italian.
    Now, we have the excitement of finally watching Teresa lose everything she and hubby basically stole. Bravo is already shooting NJ HW so as not to miss the auctioning of her lifelong possessions and who knows, maybe their lovely mansion will be next. Then we’ll also have the insecure bitchiness of Kim G. and the outspoken Elvira and their futile attempts to weasel themselves into the lives of Caroline and Teresa.
    I’d watch that. If Dina comes back, I will probably DVR it and fast forward through her parts, even though she is my favorite woman from the NJ series.
    Am I sick or what?

  23. SOOO glad to see there are so many were rolling on the floor laughing at the “outlandish freakish costumes” that the four little rugrats had to wear. And what about those “headpieces” have we ever seen anything more gaudy? I mean they in some cases bigger than their actual heads. that poor baby couldn’t even keep up her head, because the head piece dragged her poor little head to one side. Then you have the mama dressed or poured into her tacky beaded dress, like a stuffed sausage! OMG- we were hysterical. I am dying to get a pic of those girls in those dresses to show my sister, who is dying to see what all the hoopla is over! Everyone else was in their usual daily clothing while the liberace wannabes came into the room…she is too much and one of the reasons I just cannot watch this show. They are going to have honest taxpayers like us footing HER bill for claiming bankruptcy yet she has tacky parties, buys hideous custom clothing and takes a trip she needs like she does another daughter……..SCARY!

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