RACHEL ZOE PHOTOCAP: The Abominable Zoe-man

LITERALLY, oh my God. Disaster struck Team Zoe on last night’s episode of The Rachel Zoe Project as Rach attempted to assemble a ninety-look fashion fundraiser in three days’ time. During a blizzard. DURING FUCKING FASHION WEEK. And here I thought Kim D’s thirty-look bonanza for Posche on The Real Housewives of New Jersey was ambitious.

Truth be told, this was one of the few Zoe episodes that seemed to have a sense of true urgency. Normally, the biggest crisis is that a belt has been misplaced or Annie Hathaway might feel skin irritation in her Versace; however, for this installment, Rachel had to answer to Naomi Campbell, who served as the organizer for this charity event, and if there’s anyone you don’t want to let down, it’s Naomi Campbell. That is, of course, unless you want to get a phone smashed in your face. And so for the first time ever, I actually empathized with Rachel’s stress, which was only heightened by the logistic chaos brought on by inclement weather, stubborn fashion houses, and, of course, a SHOE SHORTAGE OF EPIC PROPORTIONS.

Of course, Rachel under stress means we get more golden nuggets, the biggest of which had to be her climbing out of a car into the snowy streets of New York wearing what could only be best described as the hide of those creatures Luke Skywalker gutted so he could protect himself from the snow. Let’s not overlook Rachel’s big, black, furry hat and the fact that she uttered “Oh my God” with each passing footstep. The entire spectacle was worthy of instant Emmy consideration.

Nevertheless, photocap after the jump…

“I LITERALLY need this look. If I don’t have it, I’m going to die. Literally, die. Like, I will shrivel up into waxy rope and DIE.”

“This is the hardest pack of all time. Like, this pack is on. another. level.”

Rodger: “So you won’t be celebrating our anniversary with me?”
“Oh my God. Rodge. I can’t. I literally can’t.”
“But we were going to watch your favorite movie.”
“Aliens in the Attic will have to wait.”

“Oh my God. I feel like a couture yeti. This is beyond. Beyond.”

Brad: “I’m heeeeere!!”
“Ohmygod. I can’t believe you made it through the blizzard.”
“Neither can I!”
“I hate the blizzard.”
“The blizzard is beyond.”
“It’s a blizzardsaster.”
“I want to cry.”
“Brad, why aren’t you stopping the snow?”
“Because I can’t.”
“Did you try?”
“I mean, I could try…”
“That’s all I ask of you: to stop the blizzard.”

“Oh my God. We have a shoe shortage. Literally, it’s a shortage of shoes. We need help. We need international relief. It’s like we’re the Haiti of Haiti fundraisers.”

“Oh my God. Brad, you LITERALLY look like a snow leopard.”
“Meow!”
“Do leopards meow?”
“Well, they’re cats, aren’t they?”
“I don’t know. They look like cats.”
“I think they’re called big cats.”
“Are big cats friends with little cats?”
“Maybe.”
“I think they should be.”
“They could have tea parties.”
“And talk about dogs.”
“And then nap.”
“And then eat Fancy Feast.”
“I want to go.”
“Do you think Demi is going?”
“Probably.”
“We need to find out. Will you ask the Bing if Demi is going to the cat tea party?”
“The Bing doesn’t know.”
“Oh my god. What if Demi needs to be styled?”
“Rachel, this is a disaster.”
“It’s a CATsaster!”
“A CATastrophe!”
“I don’t get it.”

“I don’t think I could ever have an attic because I simply do not want aliens in it.”

“Brad, if I found aliens in my attic, would you kill them for me?”
“Aliens are scary.”
“That’s why I don’t want them in my attic.”
“Why are they in your attic?”
“Because it’s warm, and aliens like warmth.”
“Could you make it colder?”
“If it’s too cold, I get ghosts.”
“I don’t like your attic.”
“I need Rodge. He’ll know what to do. Rodge? Rodge? Where’s Rodge?”
“Maybe the aliens got him.”
“He probably went into the attic.”
“OMG, do you think Rodge is in space now?”
“Oh my God. LITERALLY, he could be in space. On our anniversary no less! This is a MILESTONE-saster!”

Rachel: “Oh my God. You were in Haiti during the earthquake?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh my God. Literally, this makes me want to cry. I have a thing with Haitians. Like, when I meet someone who’s really nice, I’m always like ‘Are you Haitian?’ and they’re like ‘Yes, I am,’ and I’m like ‘You’re really nice,’ and they’re like ‘Thank you.’ I’m like in love with all of them. LITERALLY, they are my blessed Caribbean jewels.”

“Oh my god. Naomi is here. This is ba. na. nas.”
“Where are my blood diamonds?”

“Hullo. I’m Naomi Campbell.”
“OMG PLEASE DON’T HURT ME.”

“Hullo, darling. This is Naomi Campbell. Who the HELL do I have to BEAT WITH MY BLOODY PHONE to get some shoes over here??? Toodles!”

“Rachel, is Fashion Week going to make me fat?”
“Unclear.”
“They should call it FATshion Week.”
“Oh my God. Wordplay. I die.”
“Or Fat CHIN week.”
“This is beyond.”
“Or FAT SHINS week.”
“Oh wait. Wait. I have one: FASHION Week.”

“Oh my God. Brad. Haiti needs us right now. It LITERALLY needs you and me.”
“It’s like this is what we’ve been put on this planet to do. To save Haiti.”
“LITERALLY, I shaved half the fur off my coat and sent it to Haiti so that the children can have the fur they need.”
“That was so brave of you.”
“I know. I feel brave.”
“I die for your braveness.”
“Brad, you are my blessed, less-brave jewel.”

“These looks are beyond. They have to stay in. Haiti needs these looks, and I’m honored to include them.”

“OMG. It’s like a blizzard of paparazzi. I can’t. I can’t. This is a crowdsaster.”

“Oh my God, Rachel. Behind you.”
“What?”
“The hangers. They’re falling off the rack.”
“Oh my God.”
“I know.”
“Oh my God.”
“It’s a hangersaster.”
“Can you fix them?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Did you try?”
“I guess I could try.”
“I don’t want Naomi to be upset.”
“It’s a hanger blizzard.”
“Oh my god. Blizzard.”
“I know.”
“Blizzard.”
“I know.”
“Blizzard.”

“Oh my God. Brad, I want you to be Haiti. Now I’m going to hug you the way I want to hug Haiti. Because you need this hug, Haiti. Like, this moment between me and Haiti is so major. I’m honored to be hugging the country. This is, like, an honor.”

“Oh my God. Why are you pointing a wand at me? Is that like a flashlight? Can you not see me under these bright lights? Am I invisible? Oh my God. I’m a ghost, aren’t I? I died in the blizzard and became a ghost. A snow ghost. LITERALLY I’ve crossed over and am now conducting a ghost interview. Oh my God. Where’s Pac Man? I need to kill him.”

What did you think about the episode?