There’s only one, one, episode left of The Hills, and I’m starting to get a little misty-eyed. Where else am I going to get my weekly dose of grungy douchebags galavanting about Hollywood with no discernible direction in their lives? I suppose I could just, you know, step outside my apartment to find that, but it’s not as fun when I have to encounter it in real life. Nevertheless, the show is about to disappear forever, and perhaps the cast is realizing that their stars are about to fade away significantly. Why else would last night’s penultimate episode have been SO DAMN DEPRESSING?
The biggest downer came from Kristin, who revealed that she did truly want to have a relationship with Brody. Sucks for her though because the Brodester is dating some mystery girl now (my money’s on LC. The dramatic reveal in the finale would be too great for MTV to pass up, even if the two aren’t dating in real life). Brody first told his boyz about the secret lady friend while visiting a body shop that Sleazy-T apparently works at. And yes, in case you forgot, Brody’s new thing is to be all about Hemis and motorcycles. Why? I don’t know. But when one is a mercurial spirit like Brody Jenner, one never knows what douchey interests might surface in his life.
Nevertheless, things with Brody and Kristin were understandably awkward in the wake of their Costa Rican holiday, during which Ms. Cavallari attempted to elicit jealousy by hooking up with a bartender. The ploy didn’t work, and now the two were left with nothing but emotional strain. It was clear that Kristin needed to ‘fess up to her feelings; so she invited Brody over and announced that she wanted to be more than just friends with benefits. Too bad. After letting her pour her heart out (as much as Kristin is capable of doing so), Brody informed Kristin that he had just started seeing another girl. Bad timing. Or as Brody might say, bad taaaahming. Damn, I’m going to miss that weird little accent of his.
And so the episode ended with Kristin tearfully lamenting her sad state of affairs. The poor girl is a hot commodity, and she should know she can do a hell of a lot better than Brody, but alas, there’s no use in doling out romantic advice to her, mainly because I don’t believe that she really has any interest in Brody in the first place.
While Kristin sniffled away over love lost, Lo, meanwhile, was able to chirp away about her long term boyfriend Scott. The two celebrated their one year anniversary over sushi at the romantic restaurant Yamashiro where Scott suggested that they move in together. Not so fast though. Lo wasn’t about to do anything until she had a ring on her finger (and yes, I’m refraining from quoting BeyoncÃ©). The logic was that whenever couples move in together, things falls apart. I wasn’t so sure I believed that, and furthermore, I don’t think I’d want to get engaged to a person before seeing if I could live with them, but who cares, really? I was just happy to see Lo FINALLY get her own story line. Too bad we had to wait until the second-to-last episode for it to appear.
Meanwhile, Stephanie Pratt also experienced some positive romantic developments. She fell in love with one of Brody’s dirtbag friends, and the two shared a cute little date together. It was nice and all, but the entire time, I couldn’t help but wonder whatever happened to Max? HE WAS THE BEST. I mean, he brought her Girl Scout cookies for crying out loud! Alas, nice guys finish last in the douche universe that is The Hills.
There is hope, of course, that the biggest douche of all, Spencer Pratt, will finish last too. This episode saw the return of Heidi’s mom Darlene as she flew in to visit her daughter Holly (who looks like she’s lost weight everywhere except in her bizarrely plump lips). The mother and daughter shed tears over Heidi, and quite honestly, it was a bit disconcerting to hear Darlene talk about needing prescription sleeping pills thanks to her anxiety over the entire situation. When she claimed that she was mourning the loss of a daughter, I couldn’t help feeling extremely depressed at what was clearly a serious situation that transcended a mere MTV show. Additionally, the fact that Spencer and Heidi have mysteriously vanished from the show (and by the looks of it, they don’t appear to be returning on the finale) made the whole thing a touch haunting too.
So yeah, fun times!
Here are some photos:
“I like rainbows.”
“Does anybody know where maaah sungllllaaaaaahsses are? I want to wear them so I look cool when I riiiiiide alllowng in maaaah car. Oh there they are. They’re on maaaaah head. I bet McKaaaaaayllllaaaaah put them there.”
“It’s like Heidi’s become a new person. I don’t even know her anymore. Why would she do that to herself? In other news, how do you like my new lips?”
Kristin: “Ignoring me? Ugh, Brody. WHATEVER.”
“Hey, I’m plllaaaaying Farmville. I just got ten acres!”
“I’ll be your Travis if you’ll be my Tai.”
“Also, I think I’m about to barf all over your face.”
“I’m actually asleep right now. I sleep standing up with my eyes open. For real.”
“Why does everyone keep staring at me? They’ve never seen a naked lady walk down a street before?”
“Please understand, Scott, that I’m a very direct woman. If I do not get an engagement ring, I will fire you on the spot and replace you with a board who will approve.”
“Sorry. Sometimes I lapse into Dynasty talk.”
“I’m sorry Kristin. I’m already in a relaaaaytionship. Her name is Frankie Delgado.”
Steph: “I like this. It’s like I’m falling out of an airplane! Except I’m on the ground.”
“I think you should be quiet now.”
“I guess I’m just sad. I always saw myself with a rich boy who liked to pretend he was a cholo from the mean streets.”
“Aw, Kristin. I guess now would be a bad time to talk about how stable and wonderful my relationship is. OH WELL!”
What did you think about this penultimate episode? Who do you think Brody’s girlfriend is? Are you sad to see the show end?