There’s only one, one, episode left of The Hills, and I’m starting to get a little misty-eyed. Where else am I going to get my weekly dose of grungy douchebags galavanting about Hollywood with no discernible direction in their lives? I suppose I could just, you know, step outside my apartment to find that, but it’s not as fun when I have to encounter it in real life. Nevertheless, the show is about to disappear forever, and perhaps the cast is realizing that their stars are about to fade away significantly. Why else would last night’s penultimate episode have been SO DAMN DEPRESSING?

The biggest downer came from Kristin, who revealed that she did truly want to have a relationship with Brody. Sucks for her though because the Brodester is dating some mystery girl now (my money’s on LC. The dramatic reveal in the finale would be too great for MTV to pass up, even if the two aren’t dating in real life). Brody first told his boyz about the secret lady friend while visiting a body shop that Sleazy-T apparently works at. And yes, in case you forgot, Brody’s new thing is to be all about Hemis and motorcycles. Why? I don’t know. But when one is a mercurial spirit like Brody Jenner, one never knows what douchey interests might surface in his life.

Nevertheless, things with Brody and Kristin were understandably awkward in the wake of their Costa Rican holiday, during which Ms. Cavallari attempted to elicit jealousy by hooking up with a bartender. The ploy didn’t work, and now the two were left with nothing but emotional strain. It was clear that Kristin needed to ‘fess up to her feelings; so she invited Brody over and announced that she wanted to be more than just friends with benefits. Too bad. After letting her pour her heart out (as much as Kristin is capable of doing so), Brody informed Kristin that he had just started seeing another girl. Bad timing. Or as Brody might say, bad taaaahming. Damn, I’m going to miss that weird little accent of his.

And so the episode ended with Kristin tearfully lamenting her sad state of affairs. The poor girl is a hot commodity, and she should know she can do a hell of a lot better than Brody, but alas, there’s no use in doling out romantic advice to her, mainly because I don’t believe that she really has any interest in Brody in the first place.

While Kristin sniffled away over love lost, Lo, meanwhile, was able to chirp away about her long term boyfriend Scott. The two celebrated their one year anniversary over sushi at the romantic restaurant Yamashiro where Scott suggested that they move in together. Not so fast though. Lo wasn’t about to do anything until she had a ring on her finger (and yes, I’m refraining from quoting Beyoncé). The logic was that whenever couples move in together, things falls apart. I wasn’t so sure I believed that, and furthermore, I don’t think I’d want to get engaged to a person before seeing if I could live with them, but who cares, really? I was just happy to see Lo FINALLY get her own story line. Too bad we had to wait until the second-to-last episode for it to appear.

Meanwhile, Stephanie Pratt also experienced some positive romantic developments. She fell in love with one of Brody’s dirtbag friends, and the two shared a cute little date together. It was nice and all, but the entire time, I couldn’t help but wonder whatever happened to Max? HE WAS THE BEST. I mean, he brought her Girl Scout cookies for crying out loud! Alas, nice guys finish last in the douche universe that is The Hills.

There is hope, of course, that the biggest douche of all, Spencer Pratt, will finish last too. This episode saw the return of Heidi’s mom Darlene as she flew in to visit her daughter Holly (who looks like she’s lost weight everywhere except in her bizarrely plump lips). The mother and daughter shed tears over Heidi, and quite honestly, it was a bit disconcerting to hear Darlene talk about needing prescription sleeping pills thanks to her anxiety over the entire situation. When she claimed that she was mourning the loss of a daughter, I couldn’t help feeling extremely depressed at what was clearly a serious situation that transcended a mere MTV show. Additionally, the fact that Spencer and Heidi have mysteriously vanished from the show (and by the looks of it, they don’t appear to be returning on the finale) made the whole thing a touch haunting too.

So yeah, fun times!

Here are some photos:

“I like rainbows.”

“Does anybody know where maaah sungllllaaaaaahsses are? I want to wear them so I look cool when I riiiiiide alllowng in maaaah car. Oh there they are. They’re on maaaaah head. I bet McKaaaaaayllllaaaaah put them there.”

“It’s like Heidi’s become a new person. I don’t even know her anymore. Why would she do that to herself? In other news, how do you like my new lips?”

Kristin: “Ignoring me? Ugh, Brody. WHATEVER.”
“Hey, I’m plllaaaaying Farmville. I just got ten acres!”

“I’ll be your Travis if you’ll be my Tai.”

“Also, I think I’m about to barf all over your face.”

“I’m actually asleep right now. I sleep standing up with my eyes open. For real.”

“Why does everyone keep staring at me? They’ve never seen a naked lady walk down a street before?”

“Please understand, Scott, that I’m a very direct woman. If I do not get an engagement ring, I will fire you on the spot and replace you with a board who will approve.”
“Sorry. Sometimes I lapse into Dynasty talk.”

“I’m sorry Kristin. I’m already in a relaaaaytionship. Her name is Frankie Delgado.”

Steph: “I like this. It’s like I’m falling out of an airplane! Except I’m on the ground.”
“I think you should be quiet now.”

“I guess I’m just sad. I always saw myself with a rich boy who liked to pretend he was a cholo from the mean streets.”

“Aw, Kristin. I guess now would be a bad time to talk about how stable and wonderful my relationship is. OH WELL!”

What did you think about this penultimate episode? Who do you think Brody’s girlfriend is? Are you sad to see the show end?

23 replies on “THE HILLS PHOTOCAP: Most Depressing Episode EVER”

      1. TMZ said that Brody showed up at a party last night with Avril and he had her name tattooed on her arm.

        B-Side – You are so funny. I’ve been reading you since the ‘gasm days and you definitely brighten up my work day. Thanks!!!

  1. Frankie struggling with the dirt bike was hilarious. He is such a jughead.
    There is only room for one true love in Brody’s life – Brody.


  2. I think Max bailed (like a normal human being would), after Steph stopped taking’s Lo’s advice and vomited all of her personal life problems to dude. On the second date.

  3. I think Max bailed (like a normal human being would), after Steph stopped taking Lo’s advice and vomited all of her personal life problems in dude’s lap. On the second date.

  4. Missed the episode so thanks for a great recap.

    What in the heck happened to Holly??!!! She looks completely different and like a total FREAK! Poor, Darlene… she must rue the day her girls started talking about Hollywood and when reality TV was invented. I don’t think that Holly will ever approach Heidi’s dysmorphic weirdness issues but her face is looking wack.

  5. Oh — and LOL at the screen cap with Kristin talking about the rich dude with the cholo fetish. Honestly…. Brooohdaaaayyyy is ridiculous and Honey Bunny nailed it on the head. That kid has been fed way to much BS about how great he is. Ick.

  6. Oh, one more thing! I totally know this is scripted (I didn’t believe the romance with JB last year), but if anyone’s ever seen Kristin’s movies, she cannot act. It’s embarrassing to watch. So I’m not sure I believe all of her emotions and the scenes are fabricated. But I’m pretty naïve.

  7. It’s strange that the whole Laguna Beach/The Hills franchise is coming to an end!! I started reading your recaps over at TVgasm when LB came out, and I completely loved the combination of really great writing, hilarious commentary, and insight you brought to the mix.

    I don’t think I would have stayed as engaged or entertained by this show(s) had it not been for discovering you over at the ‘gasm – I am going to miss your recaps more than the actual show – so thank you for the many, many hours of laughter and the platform you created for all of the TV addicts like me out there. I still love your writing, and in some ways I think it’s gotten even better – and I’ll read your recaps of “my” shows as long as you’re writing them.

    I genuinely feel bad for Heidi’s family – right now they’re thinking it’s all been Spencer, and that Heidi was a good girl who married a bad guy. I think the real grieving will begin when they realize Heidi was never what they thought she was, and she’s probably a lot sicker and much more manipulative than Spencer. Spencer isn’t as smart as she is, and in the wake of all the havoc they caused HE’S the one that appears to be losing it. Just as it was with Lauren, she doesn’t need him anymore so he’s disposable…

    I was surprised at how much better the show got after Heidi and Spencer disappeared. In the back of my mind I thought it might fall flat, and it was nice to see how irrelevant they truly were. I imagine they must be very toxic to producers given the accusations they made against Adam DiVello.

    If the trailer for next week’s finale is any indication, I’m wondering if there’s another spin-off in the works with Kristin? I secretly hope so – and I’ll watch it of course! LOL.

    1. Only started watching Laguna Beach because of these Hills recaps. I skipped the second season, I think, because no one good was on so I’m up to season 3.

      1. I thought season 2 was even better than season 1 (that’s when Kristin gets the spotlight and is the true embodiment of a bitch – which I LOVE!). I, on the other hand, HATED season 3. Cami and Kendra provided some comic relief, but in the end, Kristin seemed to carry the show and couldn’t be replaced. Now I want to watch seasons 1 and 2. AGAIN.

  8. So, after Lo called Kristin “sweetie”, I went and re-watched the first episode of season 1 of Laguna Beach, and it was so weird. It was unpolished and looked like a real, candid video of kids hanging out together. I enjoyed it. =(

  9. I have not been able to watch this season because I moved/am living with relatives/don’t get home at a decent hour. THUS, your recaps have become very important. Perhaps I will catch up with the episodes on mtv’s website. I am very sad that this show is ending and hope there is some spin-off in the works.

  10. So, I have watched a bit of the whole ‘Hills’ marathon off and on today between things, and I have to say, it was good ride. Especially the pre-Speidi-(thankyouverymuch,bside)-shennanigans episodes. As many other posters have stated, I started following you during the Laguna Beach days on TVgasm and have loved all your recaps. So…. THANKS!

    Also, LC is a super pretty girl!!! Clearly she became the center of this show for a reason but watching some of the episodes today after not seeing her for a while you forget how pretty she is. And, all the reality TV nonsense aside, I think she has a good head on her shoulders.

  11. Watching the marathons, I can’t believe how many story lines have just been rehashed over and over again to no end. It was bad enough that we had to sit through who knows how many seasons of “Will they or won’t they? / But they’re perfect for each other!” with Lauren and Brody, but then we had to endure the same exact thing again with Kristin and Brody? MTV really couldn’t come up with something fresher? At least throw an interesting new guy who’s not Brody or Justin Bobby into the mix? Seriously?

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