Hair pulling is the new table flipping.
So I guess this is the way it goes with The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Like last year, we had to wait an entire boring season in order to get to the good stuff at the end. Granted, I don’t know how many episodes are left of this clusterfudge, but I sense we’re nearing the end, and I can only hope things continue to get better.
The big news tonight was that we finally saw the grand, epic, out-of-control fight that Bravo has been hyping for what seems like an eternity (or as I like to call it, an Andy Cohen awkward moment). I’ve been conditioned to expect not much from Bravo cliffhangers, but I’m proud to report that the fight (whose origins we saw on the previous episode) was just as big and messy as I could have dreamed. And what made it better was that really, there was very little fighting. Just a whole bunch of running, screaming, and angry bystanders who all began shouting expletives.
Of course, it wasn’t all benign. We did catch some casual assault as America’s Next Top Model Ashley yanked Danielle’s janky weave. It wasn’t as fun as Shereé tugging on Kim’s wig on Atlanta, but it certainly was more forceful. Clumps ensued.
Here’s what happened:
When we last caught up with the gals, Teresa was pretending to be not just nice to Danielle, but “a lady,” a term she laughably used to describe herself on many occasions this episode. Clearly, though, ladylike behavior takes on a whole different meaning in Jersey because Teresa was far from polite. Or friendly. Or refined. She baited Danielle with small talk, making the perhaps questionable claim that she was in fact a “sweet person.” When Danielle refuted this assessment, Teresa was moved to use the word “honey,” but let’s be honest. Teresa didn’t say honey like “Hey, honey! I love you!” It was more like “Shut the fuck up, HONEY.” Of course, Danielle’s interpretation was much more severe. I believe it was something like “I WANT TO KILL YOU!” Then again, Danielle sees death threats in everything around her. I’m sure she thinks AOL is out to sever her head every time an email gets bounced back.
Nevertheless, Teresa called Danielle “honey,” Danielle told her to not call her “honey,” Teresa countered with “bitch,” and then sometime shortly after that, the screaming began. F-Bombs started falling like we were in WWII London, and soon a head-swiveling Teresa was out of her chair, delivering perhaps the greatest line in reality TV history:
“DON’T YOU FORGET, GIRLFRIEND, I’M FROM PATERSON!!!! DID YOU FORGET? DID YOU FORGET???”
To me, the night could have ended there. The credits could have rolled, and I would have said “YES. IT WAS WORTH IT.”
But it continued!
Teresa wound up bragging that she lived in a $5 million house, to which Danielle observed was in foreclosure. This bit of honesty did not go over well. Teresa barked back, “It’s not in foreclosure, BITCH!” which was significant because it marked the only time all episode Teresa used the term “in foreclosure” and not “under foreclosure.” (And let’s not talk about the $11 million of debt Teresa’s in) Grammatical idiosyncrasies aside, Teresa was livid at the foreclosure accusation, and sensing that perhaps the beast was about to be unleashed, Danielle went trotting away from the scene with her ultimately ineffective bodyguard trailing behind.
Meanwhile, mother of the year Jacqueline got into the mix by charging after Danielle and barraging her with silly proclamations like “That’s a different house!” or “I read your court records!” The scene quickly went chaotic as Danielle zipped through the crowded country club, all to the sound of plates rattling and glasses falling over, perhaps added by Bravo to enhance the silly drama unfolding. No need for sound effects though when you’ve got Teresa screaming “You’re a coke whore!” (and variations of said phrase) left and right. Apparently “coke whore” is the reigning insult in Franklin Lakes as it was just one episode prior that Danielle was using the same words to describe Jacqueline’s daughter, Ashley.
Nevertheless, people tried to stop the feuding women (one anonymous woman oddly petted Teresa’s thick mane of hair while another seethed, “This is such FUCKING BULLSHIT!”), and in the midst of it all, Danielle’s heel broke, and so too perhaps did her spirit. The moment she broke free of the club, stepping out into the fresh New Jersey air, Danielle became some strange petrified bunny, shaking and trembling in the bushes while her bodyguard tended to her. She clearly knew she was finally safe and could at last commence the ridiculous histrionics. Oh, and they were ridiculous. Danielle first claimed that she was going to pass out, and then announced she couldn’t move, paralyzed with FEAR. Yes, the horrific trauma of a country club imbroglio. It’s amazing anyone can survive.
Meanwhile, the scene unfolding in the club was looking like lost footage from 2012 as people ran en mass to the exit. Kim G attempted to rein in the raging bull that was Teresa, but that foreclosure comment had really gotten under her skin. She wanted to settle things. Screaming, shaking, and lots of Kim G’s dress sparkling ensued, and eventually, the Cindy McCain lookalike did what she should have done all along: summoned her Bentley. Kim then moved her attention over to Danielle, ordering her friend to “Calm down! CALM DOWN! CALM DOWN!!!!” I swear we were just one slap away from a perfect moment, but alas, all Kim did was shake Danielle, who was now alleging that she could no longer breathe. That’s right, she couldn’t move or breathe. And to recap, all that had happened was that she had walked hastily out of the country club, breaking a heel in the process.
At this point, Danielle had taken to acting like such a victim that she literally needed her bodyguard to swoop her up and carry her in his arms, Kevin Costner style. But before that could even happen, professional idiot Ashley sauntered into the scene and pulled Danielle’s weave so hard that a chunk of it came out. Surely, this probably stung, but this was Danielle we were talking about. She acted as if she’d been literally shot in the face with an Uzi. The wails of pain and torture were second to none.
As for Teresa, a random gay was now holding her back, imploring her to “show that you’re a classy person.” Sorry dude, but I think somewhere between the chinchilla blazer and the hair that resembled a small-scale version of the BP oil spill, any attempts at class were long gone.
Eventually, Danielle wound up in the back of Kim G’s Bentley, and instead of driving away, the two just sat there, with Danielle crying and acting mortally wounded. Soon Teresa was hovering about the car like a hungry shark, prompting Jacqueline to march over and attempt to grab her friend away. Unfortunately, Ashley ambled over too, but she was quickly sent away by her mom, and feeling rejected, the girl moped “I love how you pick Danielle over your own daughter!” Seriously, there was not a lot of brain power on display.
For the next ten minutes or so, we then watched as Danielle tried to throw her weight around with the police, attempting to get the authorities to throw pretty much everyone in jail. Amusingly though, none of the cops really took her seriously, and they all apparently had dealt with Danielle’s craziness before; so after questioning various people (including a belligerent Teresa, who clearly the cops had forgotten was from PATERSON), the whole situation eventually fizzled out, and everyone went home.
Of course, this epic donnybrook was so out of control that we needed a recap immediately. The rest of the episode pretty much centered around the various women re-telling exactly what we had just seen, but with their own warped spin on the situation. Teresa framed the fight as an attempt at friendliness on her part (a laughable and bogus assertion) gone unreciprocated. Jacqueline (who did a brief but hilarious Teresa impersonation) was less self-serving in her version, but again gave us more of the same. Danielle, meanwhile, described the evening as a tense battle for her life, literally suggesting that Teresa and Jacqueline wanted to murder her and leave her kids without a mom. Across the board, it was all wack-a-doodle.
Perhaps the most ridiculous recreation of the night came from Teresa (for a second recap), who reenacted some of the fight’s finer points for Joe. The display was sort of embarrassing, only because Teresa had the storytelling prowess of her nine-year-old daughter, Gia. The woman is not smart, folks.
Similarly daft is Ashley, but her saving grace is that she’s eighteen and still understandably immature. The episode ended with Jacqueline and her husband sitting her down and telling her essentially that actions have consequences, and that she better get her act together, STAT. When Ashley responded back with some snotty remarks, Chris awesomely shut her down, telling her to shut her mouth before he kicks her out of the house. It was great. Big ups to dad on that. (And big downs to Jacqueline for at first snickering over Ashley’s Facebook status “Unbe-weave-able” and then acted as if she didn’t).
Also sprinkled throughout the episode were Albie’s continued attempts to get his law school career back on track (he hired a lawyer), but that wasn’t nearly as fun as everything else. I’ve talked too much. Here are the pictures:
Danielle: “Don’t call me honey.”
Kim: “And stop staring at my sex hair.”
“How about bitch? Do you want me to call you bitch instead? I’M FROM PATERSON, HONEY! Oh wait, I meant, I’M FROM PATERSON, BITCH! Wait, which am I saying again? Bitch or honey?”
Danielle: “What is that ghetto thing you’re doing?”
Teresa: “I’m from Paterson, bitch.”
“What is that? Whore capital of the world?”
“No, it’s awesome capital of the world.”
“I will not clap.”
Kim: “Teresa, SIT DOWN! I will not hesitate to call my husband, Senator John McCain!!!”
“Excuse me, I am a prostitution whore, not a coke whore. Pay attention, PUH-LEEZ.”
“This is such fucking bullshit. All I wanted was to come to a classy fashion show and watch a bunch of orange-skinned girls with Bumpits walk on the runway.”
“Show that you’re a classy person, Teresa. Because everyone knows that only classy people go to the POSCHE fashion show.”
Kim G: “Calm down, would ya?”
“I am NOT under foreclosure. I am merely $11 million in debt, and that’s tooootally different.”
Danielle: “I can’t move! I can’t breathe! GET HER AWAY FROM ME!!!”
Kim G: “Calm down! Calm down!!!”
“I can’t calm down! My heel broke. It was MURDERED by those women!! HEEL MURDERERS!!! I will not clap.”
“HARRY! HARRY! We need to get her into the car immediately. She has brain fever. At the current rate of inflation, her brain will laterally explore within the next three houses!!!”
“Kim, you’re Soapdishing again.”
“Okay, okay. Just get me to the car. And make sure no one does anything crazy like pulling my hair or whatever.”
“I’m a bodyguard. You think anyone’s gonna get by me?”
“MY HAIR! MY HAIR! MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!!! I can already feel my left boob imploding again. WHHHHHYYYYYYYY!?!?!?!?!?”
“SOMEONE PULLED MY HAIR!! I CAN’T BREATHE!! I’VE BEEN MURDERED!!! I’M DEAD!!!! I CAN’T WALK!!!! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!! OH THE HORROR OF PULLED HAIR!!!”
“Love and light! Or as I like to say, dumb and Cheetohs!”
“And another thing, if your daughter is such a hot effin model, why wasn’t she invited to do the POSCHE fashion show, huh? HUH? You’re talking to a real model here, y’hurrrd?”
“I pulled her fucking weave out. Who cares? I’m going to be a MODEL!!!”
“Ashley, get out of here RIGHT NOW.”
“So you’re choosing Danielle over your daughter? That’s great, mom. That’s great.”
“Wow, you really are an idiot. I think I WILL choose Danielle now that I think about it.”
Kim G: “Don’t mind me. I’m just here to play both sides.”
“Officer, I was just being a lady. Because that’s what I am. A classy lady. I even have my Classy Lady chinchilla on. When I wear it, it means I’m being classy, which I am anyway. AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT, BITCH??”
Kim D: “Nothin’.”
“I need to go home! I need to go home! There’s been an attempt on my life! Tell my daughters I love them. I don’t think I can make it. I’m… I’m slipping away. Promise me one thing, Kim. You will… not… clap…”
“Look what they did to me! They pulled out my hair!”
“I thought it was your weave.”
“It was my weave AND my hair. Pay attention, puh-LEEZ!”
“Technically, that coke whore Ashley pulled thousands of hairs from my head, and now those follicles are dead. That’s murder. And I will not stand for that. I want her arrested and charged with HAIR HOMICIDE!!!”
“Okay, you bitches are crazy.”
“Albie, don’t let ANYONE tell you you can’t do something. People said I couldn’t have an entire living room in leopard print, and look at us now!”
“And so I says, ‘hey honey’ and she’s all ‘don’t call me honey’ and I’m all, ‘I’ll call you honey,’ and– Joe. JOE. Are you listenin’? So I says ‘hey honey.’ Did you hear that? I says it just like that. ‘Hey honey.’ It’s a nice word. I’m being nice. I’m a lady. Joe, you listenin’?”
“Oh Joe… You can foreclose me ANY day!”
“Ew, I hate you mom. You’re so UNBEWEAVEABLE.”
“We keep telling you, Ashley. The joke doesn’t work on me.”
“Whatevs. Unbeweavable.”
“And how DARE YOU suggest that just because I laughed at your status update that I tacitly approved it! And JUST BECAUSE I said ‘you should post that!’ doesn’t mean I condoned you posting it. Jesus, Ashley. Get it together!”
What did you think about the episode? What about the fight? Did it live up to the hype? I also know I left out a billion things. Talk about them here!
Totally worth the wait.
Sorry, Ashley, that’s not a weave, it’s your mom’s coat.
it was really funny how Ashley walked around telling everyone that she pulled her weave, like it was something to brag about. Also, LOL at Teresa saying Gia would protect her. Although, she is just about as dumb as Ashley…
I don’t see why everyone doesn’t understand that Ashley is 18 and can do whatever she wants. If you’re 18 & you want to assult someone you can BECAUSE YOU’RE 18!
Love and Light, BITCH!!
Ashley is more of a moran than Danielle.
Ashley is also more of a psychopath than Danielle — and I didn’t think that was possible.
I will also clap to that!!
Ashley is not a moran she is just young and enjoying all the attention. Danielle has some serious problems. To much drama. The following day Danielle said her eyes still twitch and her neck hurts and all that hair she shows can not have come out with one pull and her eyes still twich? Come on, how dumb do you think we are? Ashley is not the problem Danielle has some serious issues. Besides her step dad is going to put a stop to her nonsens.
I mean’t moron….oops. Hit return too quick. Ashley is an idiot. She needs bitch slapped into the world of adulthood. She thinks her shit doesn’t stink. Can’t wait till she ends up behind bars thinking her daddy’s money, cheekiness and cuteness will get her off. She is gonna end up like the Alexis chick that was in the Hollywood heists. Clueless and in a slammer.
Totally agree. Also, my Mom would have beat my ass is I ever did anything like that, even if it was to her worst enemy!!!!!! I don’t buy her “I thought Danielle hit you” excuse either.
I have known coke whores and Ashley is no coke whore. A secanol whore seems more likely.
I really wish Danielle had the Hells Angels instead of those limp wristed body guards. It would have been Altamont all over again. Opportunity missed.
hb
I’ll clap to that!
Loved the recap! Loved the episode! The best for me when Jacqueline in her car playing games on her phone while Danielle’s whatever was trying to do spiritual things to her! Love it!
Best part of recap-between the chincilla blazer and hair that resembles BP oil spill, any attempt at class were gone!! LMFAO!!
that was so rude if u don’t feel like talking to some one just tell them, don’t make them look like fools on national tv
The energist already made herself look like a fool on national tv by being an energist and being on national tv. She didn’t need any help from Jacqueline.
LMBO!!
Jennifer, I agree with you. I think she was just butting her nose into someone else’s business just to get on TV.
Great photo caps from this episode! Dying laughing!
Oh my! Sooooo hilarious! My fave was the bystander-lady complaining about the ‘f*cking BS’ and your caption about the orange, bump-it wearing models made it a MILLION times funnier.
Danielle was/is ridiculous. I am honestly so mad that Theresa and Ashley are such a jerks because it just gave Danielle fuel for her paranoid, delusional fire. I lol’d when she complained about the neck pain and eye twitching she suffers from the hair pull. Ugh.
So, I missed the whole Patterson thing and not knowing anything about NJ — what/where is Patterson?? Why — besides being nuts — would Theresa scream that?? Must know!
Paterson has a reputation for being a rough town. Vicious gangs of chinchilla-wearing women roam the streets, just looking for trouble.
I live in Paterson. It’s got really great parts (mansions etc…) and then there’s the hood & crime. I was secretly proud that she shouted it out but a little annoyed that she pulled the Paterson card when she was called ghetto but whatevs…And there’s only one “t” in the name of the city; not saying that to be a smart ass.
LOL @ Kepster
LMAO!
LMAO @ kepster’s funny comment. Reposting. My last one got posted under Lauren S’s comment (?)
Ok…I don’t think my last comment made it. I live in Paterson and in short, it has great neighborhoods and not so great. There’s more crime than surrounding areas and it’s mostly Latino, Black & Arabic now.
Ahhhh… thanks for the insight!
No prob 🙂
Make em look like fools!! SCORE
Hair pulling, typical teenage girl thing, big deal. Not like she was a drugged up hooker who kidnapped someone and held up in a drug dealers house or anything.
Its definitly the hair pullers that keep me on the straight and narrow….lol
Hey Danielle, karma is a bitch. lol
“Albie, don’t let ANYONE tell you you can’t do something. People said I couldn’t have an entire living room in leopard print, and look at us now!â€
—-I laghed out so hard and so loud that I might lose my job! But it will be worth it because that comment was fuNNy!—-
Caroline is such a wise OLD sage. Her best friends are the Kerik’s (classy.) Why was her old man wearing his baseball cap in the house? Albie is balding at the age of what? Oh… he must be bald too. I am nearly certain that Caroline is really named Magda and cleans houses in Short Hills to make ends meet. You can’t have enough leapord print, right?
Wow. Or Whoa. Or somethin’.
Teresa, Jacqueline and Ashley are low class (gutter level from Paterson) guidettes. And, Teresa’s house is in foreclosure as her meatball, guido husband obviously can’t bring home the bacon or do the right thing with it to settle down that underbred whore of his. Jacqueline is the most passive aggressive guidette. Did you hear that language around the baby? She was allowed to breed again… another crime against humanity. Ashley… shouldn’t that size 12 cow be away at college…. oh that’s right, she barely finished high school. How proud her parents must be. Sadly, that low bred piece of trash will breed some day too. Okay, Danielle is a nut job, but being attacked by those three gutter guidettes would set anyone off. Fire those body guards… were they afraid they’d break a nail? Bravo and Andy Cohen should be ashamed for the dumbing down of America they are promoting. Otherwise, it was deliciously disturbing to watch the Guidettes of NJ in their low born best behavior at a totally made up country club.
Shut up Danielle, we hear you enough on Monday nights. bitch
Hahaha! We will not clap for you Danielle! The whole time I was reading “Gary’s” comment, I was on the phone. It was a diss.
Pay attention Pu-Leaze! It’s only a DISS when me or Paris Hilton do it. When you do it, it’s just plain rude.
That’s E-Fucking nough!
I used E*fucking*nough at dinner last night and the waiter (who was serving another table) starting laughing and came over to ask if we watched RHNJ. The next thing you know we are in a deep discussion about Danielle and Teresa.
H*fucking*ilarious.
hb
gary….completly agree, couldn’t have said it better……t,j,a…gutter girls
Fabulous blog, I love the captions with the photos!!!
I didn’t watch it because like you said, Bravo never lives up to their cliffhangers, but i certainly will now. I laughed out loud several times reading this. “I’m from Paterson!” I don’t even know what that means, but it’s still funny
Paterson today is a rough town with a safety rating of say, Newark. Its sister town, East Paterson (EP), divorced itself from Paterson and renamed itself Elmwood Park (EP) just to get away. If you grew up in NNJ, you know (but don’t say too loudly) that Paterson is a hell hole, and the guidettes it spawns (Teresa) are gutter level (think Snookie.) Not to be too harsh, Paterson was once (up through the ’60s) a nice blue collar town that went bad, although there is a really good Italian bakery there were my parents still go at Christmas time to buy Italian pastries that are to die (or pull a weave) for.
Hey, thanks Gary! I figured as such, but I didn’t want to assume (and was too lazy to Google it)
Don’t believe everything you read. I grew up in a section of Paterson that is quiet, exclusive and home to historical mansions. Some parts are rough but I am certainly not a hell hole dweller or a crawler of any sort.
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I think The Brownstone is there also!
Paterson was home to William Carlos Williams, Bruce Vilanch and other luminaries. It became really BAAAAD in the late 1960’s and 70’s…probably around the time when Teresa’s parents started breeding.
The Ironbound section of Newark is far nicer than anything anywhere in Paterson, but you are right: it is the first cousin of Newark and Irvington. Very very very rough.
I can totally see where Teresa crawled out from there. I just can’t understand how. She certainly brought her cleansiness and classlessness with her to wherever her 5 million dollar crappy mansion is (NO..it’s NOT Franklin Lakes).
I certainly hope the government takes that away from her and gives the proceeds to all the people they duped out of 11 million$.
B-side: you outdid yourself with this one. I broke blood vessels on my face from laughter.
I will absolutely clap to this, darling honey. You nailed every single important moment in that whole worthless mess with all those despicable people. Not one of them came out of it looking halfway normal or decent. Except maybe Harry.
It looked to me like Teresa started the whole thing (it appears she had an ax to grind about the “rumors” about her house being “under foreclosure.”) I’m really beginning to dislike Teresa. She’s one of those women who seems to think she’s something special–that pretending she has money makes her superior. Puh-leeze. And that face of hers—she looks like a transvestite (not that there’s anything wrong with that, but if I was a transvestite I might be insulted.)
That being said, Danielle is certifiable. She likes to talk like she’s a gangster then scurries out of the country club like a cartoon character trying to escape being blown apart by a dynamite stick. The trembling/whining/crying in the car afterwards was just the limit for me. I was feeling a little sympathy towards her at the start of the season but that’s all gone now. She needs to grow up. In fact, they all need to grow up.
They’re all so embarrassing to watch but I can’t stop watching.
Funny how some reality stars perceive any comment that isn’t adulatory as an attack (read Holly Montag), and Danielle perceives any comment that isn’t complimentary as a death threat. I’ve never seen anyone who seems to crave a death threat as much as Danielle does. She fantasizes about them the way Ashley fantasizes about being a model.
Um…the woman who hosted the fashion show that owns the boutique…..THERE’S YOUR COKE WHORE! Honey’s nose is ready to quit her face.
Epic ep and recap!
I read on the Bravo blogs that we are just past the halfway point of the season, so there’s still plenty of time to throw down some more!
I did not think anything could be funnier than the actual show, but your captions and embellishments almost made me choke with laughter…..pure genius!
I’m with Gary. I’m starting to think Andy Cohen is a bit of a sociopath. He added Ashley’s blog to the site and apparently had her on WWH. Jacqueline…there is definitely something wrong with her parenting skills, to say the very least. I can totally believe she gave tacit approval to Ashley…it’s disgusting they are exploiting an unstable girl, because they are going to end up propping Ashley up or she won’t go anywhere. Any job you apply for with an assault on your record is going to throw your application right in the trash can. Jacqueline shouldn’t have ever let Ashley attend. And Theresa Guidice? Human Ick. Gross. Disgusting. Definitely conscienceless and has no shame whatsoever. She doesn’t even ‘get’ how she comes across and what she’s done wrong in either instance.
I am not a fan of Caroline but I do believe she was right by saying that they gave Danielle what she wanted, victimhood. Only martyrdom would have been stupider on their parts. I used to like Jacqueline but if you read her blog about this episode it’s crazier than all get out, she says ‘Danielle walked by Theresa to go to the bathroom so really SHE started it.’ She’s going to embarassing lengths to justify her behavior. That group is beyond bizarre…any group of people in which Danielle Staub appears to be the sanest one is pretty scary.
Totally agree with your comments, although you say them way more nicely than I do. Originally from NNJ, I find it offensive to ‘represent’ these very crude, uneducated women (can we call them that since they act like pre-pubescent middle schoolers with the same intelligence level and language skills?) as being from NJ. Caroline’s other on the money point was that they (Teresa unibrow / hairline, Jacqueline mother of the year, and Ashley cranky overweight girl with no future) behaved just as everyone predicted they would… mean, violent, vicious girls. But that of course is what Housewives and Andy Cohen and Bravo are paid to deliver… sub-humans that think they are all class and sophistication (just like Andy.)
Ashley is an idiot and someone needs to slap her repeatedly.
Okay, if we’re going to correct Teresa for saying “in foreclosure” instead of “under foreclosure” then make sure you don’t write “the episode pretty much centered around” instead of “the episode pretty much centered ON”. 🙂
hahaha I better correct myself…Teresa said “under” instead of “in”…I guess we’re all human!
Fabulous recap, as always!
There was so much to love in this episode. The over-the-top drama was at an all-time high!
But, I think my favorite part of the episode was when Theresa was telling Joe what happened. He couldn’t have been less interested in her. In her interviews, she’s always talking about how much he loves her cleavage and how much he wants her all the time. But, I have to say that I’ve never seen evidence of it. In fact, when she leaned over the pool table and showed him a little something, I believe his comment was, “Yeah, I already seen ’em, Theresa.”
Poor Theresa. When you’re that stupid and your husband doesn’t even think you’re hot anymore, where do you go from there?
Under foreclosure.
ahahahah!!!
very funny, Joanna!!!
I loved how there was a long, awkward silence from Joe when Teresa said “And she said our house is in foreclosure – can you believe that?”
for busting out the soapdish reference, and in honor of this auspicious episode i must…:
if i should stay
i would only
be in your way -ay ay ay
so goodbye
please don’t cry
we both know
i’m not what you
you need
Love the recap – so much more entertaining than the show.
No wonder Jersey smells so bad – look at the trash that lives there.
Ashley will be in jail very soon – and 20 years from now a book that her deadbeat ex wrote about her will be passed around in some skanky hair salon in Wayne/Franklin Lakes/Patterson. I’m just sayin.
Caroline is probably whispering in Chris’s ear – “your wife brought Danielle into our lives. She and her illegitimate daughter are embarassing the family. It must stop.” Let’s see how long that marriage lasts.
I used to like Caroline but she never got her son any help with his learning disability when he was young. I can’t cry for her – there is plenty of help around and even more so when you have money. Spend it on helping him learn – not buying him admission into a school where he is doomed to fail.
How funny that you compare Teresa to Gia when she is telling Joe the story. I thought the same thing.
Coke Whore, Albie used to go to a learning center in Wayne where I worked so she did try to get him help.
Interesting!
Do you know what his disability is and if it was properly diagnosed?
I can’t recall…it’s been about 6 years since that time. Someone mentioned ADD, I was guessing mild dyslexia. He did pretty well though when we worked with him and he was such a nice kid.
Albie better hurry the eff up and get that law degree. He’ll have a thriving practice just defending his aunts and cousins…
Ha!
Bside, i now call my kitties “coke whore” and “prostitution whore”. I also talk to them and make up songs.
the coke whore is the younger one.
protitution whore is the long haired beast who tries to trip us every time we come home from work
Needless to say, the coke whore is our fave.
where can we get more (coke whore cats)
and where can we find the staubs or manzos (to get rid of the crippler?)
I think I may despise Teresa even more than Danielle at this point in the season, and that’s saying a lot. Bring back Dina!
Thank you for the totally amazing excellent recap! On a side note, that sweater Caroline was wearing is batshit crazy.
hilarious, i am at work at literally laughed until i couldnt breath like Danielle .” i’m a prostitution whore and not a coke whore” priceless, the only thing that would have been the cherry on top if caption 6 had been ” i was murdered by those woman, instead of women.
thanks for the great laugh for today, it was worth the wait.
This recap is f’ing awesome!
It was worth reading just for the BP oil spill comment.
Love, love, love!
Really funny photocap. Can’t wait for you to use shot glasses for these women.
B-Side, you are my personal hero for spelling Paterson, my residence, with one “t!!!” I told a friend on Monday night that we were going to have to endure Paterson being spelled with two Ts for at least a week by bloggers. I knew you wouldn’t disappoint.
I can’t even quote what made me laugh b/c I’d quote the whole recap! Too friggin funny!!! All of it!!!! I must say that it hurts like a mother to have your hair yanked out of your head (extensions or not). I honest to God believe that Danielle could have had neck or even eye pain from it. I am SOOOOO not joking. I had my hair yanked back in 2003 for charity and I saw STARS. I would say it was about a year and a half before I felt like it kinda healed. Of course I didn’t go to the doctor either because I didn’t even want to try to explain it. Luv ya lots!
Lauren…what charity had you have your hair yanked out? Project Ladybug?
LOL, no. It was more like a guy who was a charity case (and into role playing).
This site is the most hilarious thing I have ever read… LMAO!
What’s with albie suing law school because he is too dumb to make the grades? ADD is brought in now? He is an adult and if he realized he couldn’t cut the mustard, he should have hired a tutor. Its totally disgusting how the family is airing this on TV as a form of intimidation to get the school to let him slide.
The interaction between Teresa and Joe was so pathetic. How sad that she has to keep showing her tits to him and he is like.. knock it off! What’s up with his eyes, all red and puffy. Also, should she be serving him wine since he got a dui not long ago? She is a train wreck and a pathetic parent too boot! Love the references to her hair and hairline. too, too funny. BTW, the show sucks this season and the only reason I’m going to watch is to get these updates and photos:)
LMFAO! AMAZING! love that bystander ” this is such fucking bullshit” lmao. she was amazing. and u left out the best part of the episode, if not the best moment of the whole series when danielle says ” THAT A FUCKING NOUGH” the manly angry face she does it in is priceless! constantly rewinding that part! i will clap for that
I loved the part where Kim gets out of the “Bentley” to talk to Jacqueline and Danielle starts freaking out and yelling “don’t you go out there Cindy McCain, uh…I mean Kim, don’t go out there”. When Kim completely ignores her, Danielle enlists Harry to make sure Kim doesn’t hit Jacqueline….haha how awesome would it of been if Kim and Jacqueline started to throw down.
Albie was accepted to that school with the knowledge Albie had a learning disability for which they could, would, and apparently have helped students with in the past. Whether it is dyslexia or ADHD I don’t recall but with the proper help whatever it is he’s an A student. Even the person he spoke to at the school said that he was supposed to have rec’d the help. It’s kind of like needing glasses to read, they know you need them but they won’t give them to you, cause some crankypants decided not to. He deserved something He didn’t get. It doesn’t give him superpowers, it just lets him function as the rest of the students do.
That’s true, at most colleges (not sure if all), if you have a disability whether it is handicapped or learning you fill out a form and they give you the help that is needed. Usually it is given to those who indicate that they have medical needs (pretty sure ADHD is part of that spectrum).
In terms of Albie suing because they didn’t give him the help I think it’s understandable if he let the school know that he NEEDED help but they didn’t give it to him. Sometimes you are given the form but some kids don’t fill it out because their conditions aren’t severe and don’t need the help as much as others or are too embarrassed or something, I’m not sure.
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