It took about seven episodes, but The Real Housewives of New Jersey is finally in that ridiculous, campy place it should have always been. This week’s show took place in the wake of last week’s epic brawl, and now that the dust had settled, it was time for Danielle to seek her revenge. Unsurprisingly, she took her case to the courts, amusingly gathering a small legion of neighborhood busybodies which was led by none other than the reigning busybody herself, Kim G. The women all stood with Danielle’s lawyers outside the courthouse, nodding their heads emphatically as she recounted details of the Posche fashion show; although, when Danielle asserted that someone screamed “I’m going to kill you!” the women all backed down politely, offering up the alternative that “there was name calling.” The scene was so wonderfully emblematic of bored suburban women that it felt like I was watching a strange sequel to Edward Scissorhands.
Eventually, Danielle did bring the charges of assault up against Ashley, whose hair-pulling shenanigans did not go over well with Team Staub. Admittedly, it was a stupid move, especially against someone so litigious. That being said, Danielle should get over it. I mean, her hair got pulled. She didn’t get maimed with a sledgehammer.
Then again, maybe some jail time would do Ashley well. The idiot teenager still walks around with that dopey grin on her face as if nothing is wrong, but the truth is that even her Levi Johnston boyfriend is getting annoyed with her antics. I suppose when you’re a supermodel like Ashley, you don’t have to worry about the law.
Speaking of fashion, or lack thereof, Kim G unseated Teresa in the bizarro wardrobe department this week. It’s a rare feat and a difficult accomplishment, but Kim G was clearly up for the challenge. Every scene this kooky, self-admitted two-faced woman appeared in, she was head to toe in some incredibly strange gettup. It almost looked as if someone had stuffed a cannon full of costume shop inventory and set it off in Kim G’s face. From her funky little jogging outfit to her weird black hoodie vest, everything looked totally silly.
Kim’s crowning moment, however, came when she dropped into POSCHE wearing a blue fur vest coat with a little purple hat on her head. It was truly a nightmare ensemble, and yet it looked quite appropriate in Posche.
As for Teresa, she was none too pleased to see Kim walk into Posche, and not because she had momentarily lost the title of tackiest woman in the Tri-State Area. Teresa felt betrayed by Kim’s allegiance to Danielle, and so when the “elderly” lady walked in, Teresa immediately put her bitch face on and tried to ignore her. This, incidentally, came directly on the heels of Teresa having just told Kim D that she hates grudges and that even when she sees someone she’s mad at, she feels the need to be nice and friendly. Clearly.
Staying out of all this nonsense this week was Caroline, who was busy tending to her family. The latest update was that Albie did wind up getting a letter from law school saying he could apply elsewhere without repercussion; however, he had a bombshell announcement. He might have to go to law school… OUT OF STATE!!!!
Seriously, Albie acted as if he was facing deployment to the Middle East. At 23, you’d think he’d actually be excited to cross the NJ border, but then again, these are the Manzos, and according to Caroline, they stick together no mattta what. The poor mama bear looked immediately distraught at the idea of her son flying the coop, but then again, she probably wants to cry into her pillow any time he leaves to go to Blockbuster. Nevertheless, Albert Sr. had the good sense and humor to tell Albie not to worry about mom and to apply to wherever he wanted to apply. This was followed by smiles, high-fives, and general happiness — the kind that make me wonder if the Manzos are the most functional family on reality TV.
Nevertheless, while I contemplate that, here are the pics:
Danielle: “This glove doesn’t fit. It’s the ultimate dis. I will not clap.”
“I’m wearing these gloves now, but I’ll take them off if I have to. After all, who knows who this fight instructor is? For all I know, he’s secretly working for the Manzos. One pop to the face, and I’m dead. Then my daughters don’t have a mother. THEN ARE THEY HAPPY? THEN ARE THEY HAPPY???”
Danielle: “What are you staring at, buddy?”
“Nothin’. I just never seen someone with arms that look like tree branches.”
“I’m sorry, but I’m trying to hit you in the face, and the fact that you keep blocking my punches proves that you are aligned with the enemies. I will not clap.”
“I don’t want you to clap. I want you to punch.”
“Good. Because I will not clap. And if you hear clapping, it’s probably the sound of my fist punching you, which is admittedly very similar to the sound of clapping, but please note, it is not me clapping. I will not clap.”
“Is there any chance I can get a chinchilla cozy for this glass?”
“Excuse me, Kim G, but what sort of coke whore outfit are you wearing? I mean, blue fur? Did you trap the abnormal snowman or somethin’?”
“It’s actually the Abominable Snowman.”
“Whatever. I heard of it.”
“I’m not sure about that.”
“OH REALLY? Did you forget, girlfriend? I’m from PATERSON! We got all sorts of snowmen there! DID YOU FORGET? DID YOU FORGET???”
Kim D: “Listen, it’s getting a little tense in here. How about I pour us all some Zima that we can drink from my new TJ Maxx novelty wine glasses.”
“Thank you, Kim D. Make sure I get the glass with the pink lipstick kiss on it that says ‘Sexy Momma.'”
“I don’t have time for these assault charges. I have a burgeoning modeling career to attend to. Tomorrow, in fact, I’m going to be holding a bucket of chum at Al Ronzonni’s Bait & Tackle Shop.”
“Hey Joe, I like your sweater.”
“Thanks, Teresa. I wanted something that would make me look like a pint of HÃ¤agen-Dazs.”
“Let me tell you something. I’ve never thrown a punch in my life. But next time the Manzos come at me, I’ll be punching. That is, of course, unless a heel breaks, in which case I will go into severe shock and demand an airlift to Mt. Sinai hospital in Manhattan.”
Danny: “Just remember to send your cute girl friends my way. You know, so we can watch Sex and the City together.”
Danny’s friend: “Ugh. You are SUCH a Charlotte.”
Caroline: “I love this. All the family here in the kitchen. Savor these moments, kids. Next thing you know, you’ll be 45, and it’ll be time to move out.”
“I guess with the kids out of the house, I could always pursue my greatest dream of all: performing a musical tribute to One Day At A Time. Bonnie Franklin is a goddess.”
“Aw, Albie got the letter from law school! And even better, there’s a sale on decorative pine cones down at Michael’s. Could this day GET any better?”
Albie: “There’s only one thing about applying for law school. I may have to go out of state.”
Caroline: “Let me tell you a something about going out of state. We Manzos are as thick as thieves, and we protect each other to the end (of the Jersey Turnpike). After that, you’re on your own.”
“It’s hard for me to rehash this, but long story short, Teresa ran after me with a machete that I swear was as big as my entire leg. She then commenced to yell ‘Die bitch! Die! I’m going to kill you!!!’ at which point Jacqueline took out a machine gun and mowed down half of the country club while simultaneously lighting fire to my car, my house, and my dogs.”
“That all really happened?”
“Yes, it was either that or I got my hair pulled. I can’t remember.”
Jacqueline: “So Ashley, have you thought about what you did?”
“And what do you think about what you thought.”
“Uh, not much.”
“Well maybe you should think more about it.”
“Are you laughing?”
“This isn’t funny.”
“Uh, yeah it is. But what do you know? You don’t even have a goofy hat to wear.”
“That’s because they look dumb.”
“Oh, so now the housewife is going to tell the MODEL what looks dumb? I’ll have you know that I have a go-see at the Aluminum Siding Depot in Teaneck, thank you very much.”
What did you think about the episode?