BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: Hebrew Schooled

At last, we have a season. Big Brother finally kicked into awesome mode on last night’s fiery eviction episode, thanks in part to Andrew who decided to go big or go home. With his tenure in the house facing an uncertain future, he decided to lay it all out on the line, delivering quite possibly the best, most incendiary nominee speech of all time. He didn’t spend his plea kissing up to the house, nor did he extoll the virtues of the experience. Andrew instead made a rapid, urgent, and incredibly accusatory speech, outing Hayden and Kristen as yet another power couple in the house. He then went on to detail all the mean things they’d said about the other house guests, hoping that this sudden deluge of honesty would somehow translate into a lifeline for himself.

Did the ploy work?

Spoilers after the jump…

Heck no it didn’t work! Andrew flamed out spectacularly, the culmination of a week of bumbling on the block. As the alleged pawn, all he had to do was sit pretty and let the sharks devour Kathy, but Andrew immediately incurred the wrath and suspicion of his houseguests by unconvincingly pretending to be going after Brendon. The ruse didn’t work, and all it did was cast suspicion on him (not to mention link him further with Brenchel, the pariahs of the house). This, of course, annoyed Rachel who already didn’t love Andrew and then was full on pissed when she learned her man had a secret deal with him. Being the clingy bitch that she is, Rachel interpreted this as an interloper to their relationship and thus went on a crusade to get Andrew out of the house.

Not helping matters was Andrew himself, who attacked Kristen in what seemed more or less like a random outburst of frustration. Now, I haven’t been keeping up with the live feeds as much this season (although, after tonight, that may change); so I’m not aware if there was more than meets the eye to Andrew and Kristen’s imbroglio, but from what we naive TV viewers could see, it all seemed to center around the fact that Kristen had consoled Kathy about being on the block but not him. He felt left out and alone, and thus attacked the heretofore quiet girl, amusingly faulting her for not saying anything to him (even though it was really up to him, as the nominee, to seek her out). I’m not sure what part of campaigning involves moping around with self-entitlement, but apparently that was Andrew’s strategy.

Needless to say, none of it worked. Hence, his last ditch effort. I’m not sure about all you, but my jaw was definitely on the floor — in the best possible way. Even better was the stunned reaction of Hayden and Kristen, who seemed to be in a mix of denial, shock, and anger. You know, our favorite Big Brother emotions. They certainly got their revenge by ousting Andrew a few minutes later, but the damage was done. By the time the episode ended with Rachel having reclaimed her position as Head of Household (gotta love the power shifts in this game), we caught the busty redhead snapping at Kristen, who was in the process of denying any and all sexual interaction with Hayden. Clearly this was going to lead to fun times, and thank God. We needed some claws to come out. Before this, the only drama between Kristen and Rachel was guessing which of the two would plump up the fastest over the summer (my money is on Kristen).

So now we’re left with the unpopular Rachel as HOH once again, and a wake of drama in Andrew’s departure. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say things are about to heat up at long last. Here’s to hoping the plot thickens…

“I smell something fishy, and I think it’s Andrew’s lies! Either that or Rachel’s WHORE BREASTS.”

“Hey. Hey. Listen to me. No one is getting between us. Andrew is not stealing me away. Although… he’s a bit more generous with the hugs. Just sayin’….”

“Um, I’m on the block. Why isn’t anyone offering condolences? It’s like a shiva with no rebbe.”

“I don’t want to play the cancer card. All I’m saying is that you shouldn’t vote me out. You know, because I had cancer.”

“Am I gonna get a chance to speak or what? I have a PhD in communication, not BEING BORED.”

“I know my hair looks a little thin, but that’s only because the Meow Meow got into a fight with a tabby last night. The asshole tried to get my Fancy Feast.”

“Andrew, I really don’t have time to talk about this. I need to get back to gaining weight.”

“You didn’t even ask me how I was FEELING! What sort of a monster are you?”

“Have you been hanging out with Brendon again?”

“Yeah, so what? Can I get a hug?”

“Wait a second. Did somebody spill CAWFEE on my head? Where alls my hairs go?”

“So in conclusion, I love you all. I want to stay. You all are great. Cancer.”

“News flash. Hayden and Kristen have been making out every night in the bedroom. Even worse, when they’re doing it, they often hum the theme song to Family Ties.”

“How DARE Andrew accuse me and Hayden of being a secret couple. We’re brother and sister, for crying out loud! OF COURSE WE’RE A COUPLE. Isn’t that the way it always goes? No secret here!”

“Um, what is going on with Andrew? I think his Yom Kippur is on too tight.”

“Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. And fuck you. You all should hear the crap you say about each other. So anyway, mazel-tov!”

Rachel: “No one’s getting between me and MY man!”
“Oy! I feel like the middle piece of matzoh on the Seder plate!”

“Oh. My. God. I won again! What a wonderful moment! If only I didn’t have pizza sauce all over my top.”

“Hey Kristen. How about you shut up and go back to kissing your brother.”
Kristen: “He’s not my brother. Besides, his name is Zoot, and he’s a Muppet.”

“Wait a second… Who is Rich Meehan? And why isn’t he asking me about cancer?”

What did you think about the episode? Thoughts on Andrew’s speech? Thoughts on Rachel winning? What do you think about Kristen now?