REAL HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Threatening Situations

Oy vey. These women. The Real Housewives of New Jersey has veered into insanity, but not really the fun kind. More like the tried and true clinical kind. I guess that’s because we’re paying more and more attention to Danielle and her descent into madness. She takes everything the worst possible way, and she seems more hellbent than ever to play the role of deranged bitch. I did have a small ounce of sympathy for Danielle at the start of the season. Yeah, she’s nuts, but she has been ganged up on. I could empathize with her life as the underdog, even if bitterness had formed a giant chip on her shoulder towards, well, everyone. But now Danielle is just ridiculous. If she can paint herself as the victim, she will. Dina invites her to meet for “closure,” and Danielle automatically acts as if she’s literally meeting with the head of a Mexican drug cartel. Ashley sends her an idiotic Facebook message, and Danielle instantly announces that she’s the victim of a death threat. If she can take it there, she will, and I gotta admit, the novelty is wearing off for me. I’m not enjoying her psychosis as much anymore; although, sadly, without it, there’d be nothing to watch.

Maybe the producers should spend less time making every Danielle interaction seem like it’s a climactic scene from The Sopranos. One of the problems with New Jersey (aside from the fact that it focuses too much on Mafia-esque elements and not trashy guido stuff) is that it takes itself more seriously than the other Housewives iterations. When Jill and Bethenny met up to hash things out, their luncheon wasn’t preceded by thumping music and closeups of them in their cars. It’s almost as if the production team behind New Jersey wants to impart a sense of danger to the show, but it just falls flat each time. Beyond that, it’s irritating. This is supposed to be campy fun, not Intervention Lite.

Of course, there still are amusing elements to the show: Jacqueline mangling the word “supposedly” (she alternately used “supposively” and “supposibely” before mixing them together in some awful Frankenstein version of the word); Danielle claiming to be a gay advocate while simultaneously suggesting that it’s okay to call a straight man “faggot;” and Teresa bragging about her dubiously talented daughter. All amusing in an awful way.

Truthfully though, this show needs some new blood, which hopefully will be happening now that one Housewife will be departing next week. My money is on Dina leaving the show. Without Lexie around, she does nothing except stare at her cats and talk to Zen Jen. This is probably a good thing. As much as I love Dina, we need fewer Manzos. But who will replace her? Kim G? Surely Bravo can do better (ie. throw out the whole cast and start fresh).

And now onto the photocap…

“My girl Gia is really so amazing. She can play any role out there… just as long as she doesn’t have to act.”

“Saaaarrrry we’re late. Gia was just finishing up a tribute to Bette Midler in Ruthless People.”

“If I’m the manager, why do I always dress like a waiter?”

“Like my baby? I just got him a Range Rover! SUPPOSIBIVELY he said he wanted one.”

“That THING is putrid!”

“Excuse me. That’s my baby you’re talking about. And you don’t look so hot yourself, CINDY MCCAIN.”

“OH REALLY??”

“I’m sorry. Never mind. I apologize.”

“You know, Danielle, I really didn’t appreciate your mook friend saying those things about Christopher Manzo.”

“Well, I won’t apologize to Christopher Manzo. Honestly, it was his parents fault. They shouldn’t have had him valet my car, knowing a bitch LITERALLY ON WHEELS like me would be arriving.”

“And another thing. All this talk about 9-11? I’ll just say this. Maybe if the Manzos weren’t busy talking about me and were instead over at the CIA investigating what was going to happen, we might not have lost some good people. That’s right. I’m blaming 9-11 on the Manzos. Just sayin’.”

“And maybe if Caroline and Dina didn’t spend so much time obsessing over me, maybe they could have finally built a time machine and gone back in time and killed Hitler when he was a baby. It’s their fault, really. And while they’re at it, get a dinosaur for scientific research. It makes me SICK how self-centered they are.”

“I can’t believe you women would mention the Manzos to me on my birthday. MY BIRTHDAY! You’re making a fool out of me, and nobody makes a fool out of Danielle STAWWWWWWWB!!”

“When you say these things to me, it hurts, especially since I am a gay advocate. Now where is that fa#*@t waiter? It’s okay; I can say that. He’s straight.”

“I just want to thank my friends and family for being here. And most importantly, I want to stay in the positive. No need to be negative, LIKE MY BITCH FRIEND KIM G.”

“I just want closure. At least I’ll always have you, Grandma Wrinkles.”

“Keep me out of this, bitch.”

“So I sawr something on Facebook just now. Someone suggested I become a fan of Betty White. I’m no idiot, okay? I know what that means. Betty White is old. She’s gonna die soon. And that means this person wants me to die soon. I think that’s a threat. And you can’t pull a fast one like that on Danielle STAWWWWWWB!”

Teresa: “Danielle is total garbage. She lies to all of us, she lives a double life, and she’s so full of shady crap, it’s amazing she hasn’t been busted by the Feds. And in other news, Joe and I are $11 million in debt!”

“Mom, do I look like the type that would leave psychotic Facebook threats for Danielle?”
“Yes.”

“Let me tell you a something about deli counters. They’re as thick as thieves and will give you high cholesterol ’til the end.”

“Now that I’ve put Danny in a suit, I think he got the message about not cursing. I mean, technically I didn’tsay anything to him about it, but clearly everyone knows that when you take a man suit shopping, it means ‘stop your potty mouth.'”

“I think your boyfriend is gonna really love this look.”
Danny: “I don’t have a boyfriend.”
“Sure you do. That guy who always stands next to you protectively. Aren’t you guys DOING it?”
“Nah. He’s just my very close friend.”
“C’mon, Danny. I’m a gay advocate. I know a fa@#!t when I see one.”

“3-2-1 GO!”
[silence]
Dina: “You blinked.”

Danielle: “I did not blink.”
“You did.”
“Jacqueline blinked. I didn’t.”
“What does she have to do with–“
“YOU AND YOUR FAMILY HAVE BEEN AFTER ME IN STARING CONTESTS SINCE THE DAY–“
“Shhh… shh…”
“Excuse me, you don’t shush me. I SHUSH YOU.”
“Well, technically, you haven’t actually shushed me.”
“There are only two truths to my shush: it’s to be respected, and it demands silence. Pay attention, PUH-leez!”
“What are you saying? You’re a crazy person.”
“I am not crazy. I AM A GAY ADVOCATE. But for the record, I did hire a felon to protect me at the florist. I see the way those daisies look at me…”