At long last, The Real Housewives of New Jersey delivered a good episode last night. I suppose we can thank Kim D for that. After all, without her very classy fashion show for POSCHE, we never would have been privy to the ridiculous sequence of events that led up to last night’s much hyped (and totally brief and truncated) altercation between Danielle and Teresa. Of course, things always go haywire when Housewives attend fashion shows, and this episode was no exception. The fun and joy came courtesy of Franklin Lakes’ three biggest twits: Danielle, Kim D, and Teresa. Danielle, as you may remember, always thought of herself as tight with Kim D., but alas, Kim D. has upwardly mobile desires, and so she’s glommed onto the likes of Teresa and Jacqueline, inviting them both to her aforementioned fashion show. Clearly this was gonna call major drams, and it sure did. Danielle was most unpleased to not only see her “enemies” at the show, but to see that Kim D. had elected to sit with THEM instead of her. This was “the ultimate dis,” and being the mature woman she is, Danielle spent the rest of the fashion show pretending to be on the phone and making haughty declarations such as “I will not clap.”

Of course, if there’s anyone who likes to make an authoritative proclamation, it’s Danielle. That’s the best part of her crazy. You see, it’s not fun to be merely paranoid. But to be paranoid and pompous? That’s gold. The best example of this, of course, was earlier in the episode when Danielle sauntered into POSCHE and encountered a new, albeit daffy, employee. Danielle was most unsettled by this and immediately asked to speak with Kim, causing this woman to sort of freeze in panic (as Kim was on the phone at that very moment). Truthfully, the lady was not the most welcoming person — she seemed more apt to be cleaning a ham hock at the local Super Stop & Shop. Still, Danielle went into total diva mode; first storming out of the shop, then storming back in and snapping at the woman, and then storming back out. In the middle of this all, she dramatically told her daughter that she was in the middle of a “situation” as if ten terrorists had suddenly descended on POSCHE and held Danielle’s dented implant for ransom. Keep in mind that the only thing that had happened was that an employee had not said hello to Danielle, and yet this was a SITUATION. Nevertheless, five minutes later, when Kim had returned, Danielle strutted back in and more or less informed her that her employee’s attitude was so horrific that she could no longer shop at the store. Even better, she added a metaphorical dagger of guilt by saying “I love you too much to be treated this way.” And then she was gone, leaving Kim alone with her gum-chewing employee, who summed up the entire situation by saying “She’s wacky.”

Of course, Kim couldn’t just let a customer walk away, especially one with a camera crew that follows her everywhere, and so she called Danielle up and begged her to come to the fashion show anyway. This gave Danielle an opportunity to feign maturity by saying that she’s all about “moving forward,” (as evidenced by her penchant for bringing bodyguards with her everywhere for fear of a Manzo attack. Seriously, she probably has one stand over her gyno during a papsmear).

As we saw though, Danielle was not about moving on. The moment she arrived (late) to the fashion show and saw Jacqueline and Teresa there, she interpreted the situation as an elaborate attack on her and went into über-bitch mode. Hence, my favorite quote: “I WILL NOT CLAP.”

Compounding Danielle’s craziness were the combined instigations of Teresa and Ashley, both of whom serve as poster children for improving this country’s educational standards. As it turns out, Ashley was at the event as a model (I’ll just let that sink in for a moment), and as we all know, Ashley and Danielle do not get along. When the teen strutted down the runway, Danielle muttered to no one in particular “coke whore.” Again, classiness at its finest.

Ashley later countered by stoking Danielle on from across the room. She shot her enemy vicious looks and went so far as to give her a mocking wave. The whole scene reminded me of that tragic tale of the idiot teen in Northern California who got drunk at a zoo and mocked a tiger — a tiger that then bounded out of its holding pen and KILLED THE TEEN. Point is, there was a lot of idiocy on display by both parties, but nothing compared to what happened next, courtesy of Teresa.

So after a full season of Teresa saying the worst things about Danielle, suddenly the big-haired momma wanted to play nice. She announced that she intended to say hi to Danielle because, you know, it was just so AWKWARD to not say hi. Translation: she wanted to be the one who could walk away from the night claiming to be the bigger person. And so Teresa positioned herself in a chair right near Danielle, and when the prostitution whooahh rounded the corner, Teresa called out to her. Of course, Danielle ignored her — perhaps unintentionally — but Kim G (whose hair looked like it had just endured four hours on a motorcycle) heard the plaintive cries of Ms. Giudice and stopped her friend. This kicked off an utterly uncomfortable exchange, which began with Teresa disingenuously claiming that she just wanted to say hello, followed by a horrific attempt at small talk. Danielle clearly was in no mood for this, and to her credit, she was right for being offended by this ridiculous display of faux-friendliness, especially given that of all the women, Teresa has said the nastiest things about her on the most consistent basis.

Eventually, Danielle put an end to things, but since this was Danielle, she did so in her patently crazy way. Rather than just say “Thank you so much for saying hello. Hope you and your family are doing well,” she instead announced that she could no longer take part of the conversation because it didn’t feel friendly. In fact, according to Danielle, it felt “gamey,” which wasn’t a totally correct use of the word, but we understood what she meant. Well, things escalated intensely from there, but sadly, it had all been shown on promos for weeks upon weeks. Teresa used the word “Honey,” and Danielle snapped back something like “Don’t call me honey,” (that’s Danielle’s kneejerk defense: demanding that someone DOESN’T perform an action. “Don’t call me crazy!” “Don’t put your finger in my face!” “Don’t call me honey!” “Don’t deliver my mail!” — I assume she’s said that to a surly postal employee at some point).

Well, Teresa then countered by calling Danielle “bitch,” which led to Danielle uttering her now famous retort, “THAT’S E-FUCKIN’-NOUGH.” And then the episode ended. UGH. Even worse, we now have to wait two weeks to see how this all wraps up. Oh well. Nevertheless, I highly enjoyed this episode, which is odd because it mined the same territory as always. I think the difference, however, was that Danielle’s lunacy was so over the top that I couldn’t help but laugh. Plus, it seemed as though the producers spent less time making things seem DRAMATIC and more time having fun with the situation, playing twinkling music over such exchanges as the wave between Ashley and Danielle.

And honestly, Kim D is a trainwreck. I said it after the first episode: she should be a full time cast member. She (and the other Kim, to a lesser extent) is what’s keeping this season interesting. To be fair, Caroline has been engaging the past two weeks. Last night, her issues about being left home alone with no kids felt personal and compelling — like a real concern in her life. It wasn’t just carping about Danielle (although, there was plenty of that too). One question though: weren’t we supposed to hear an update about Albie and some “letter” about college? And what happened to the alleged new housewife Elvira? Eh, who knows. Let’s just focus on the crazy.

Here’s the photocap!

Kim: “Just to warn you ladies, I’m inviting Danielle to my fashion show.”
Teresa: “You’re inviting that prostitution whore? I can’t stand her skanky ass. But I’ll say hello!”

Teresa: “Here’s the thing with Danielle. She’s a total lunatic. I don’t want to talk to people who are friends with her. I didn’t even want Kim G at my party because she’s friendly with her. I hate her. But I’ll say hi! I’m that sweet.”

“Don’t mind me. Albie threw a piece of ham in my face.”

“As a business owner, you should know that your employee was very rude to me. I know where your loyalties are now.”
“Danielle, she was a temp.”
“So you hire temporary workers when I come around? Don’t want to have the full time ones deal with me?”
“No, I had someone who was sick. I needed a sub.”
“Oh, I see. A worker was sick. So she didn’t want to see me. I get it. Real classy, Kim. You’re with the enemies now.”
“What enemies?”
“And now you play dumb. I will not clap for that.”
“Why are you so dramatic? Why can’t you chill out?”
“Chill out? Is that what the Manzos told you to say?”
“No, it’s a common expression.”
“I will not clap.”
“Who asked you to clap?”
“You did. In so many words.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Kim, I love you too much to have you treat me this way. And so I will not be able to shop at this store any longer. I’ll be taking my business to Marshall’s, thank you very much.”
“Go. See if I care.”
“That was a dis. It was the ultimate dis.”
“Okay, now I want you to leave.”
“Oh, I’ll leave. And I will clap for that. But I will not clap for you. So if you hear any clapping, know that it’s not directed at you. It’s non-Kim clapping. And please understand that my heels are a bit loud, and when I walk they sound like clapping. But it’s not clapping. I will not clap.”

Kim: “You realize you’re making me look like the rational one here, and I’m KIM D.”

“Hello, I’d like to report a problem with my Clapper. It doesn’t work… Well, the lights never turn on… I’m supposed to clap for it? I will not clap.”

“I realize it’s called ‘The Clapper,’ but I love it too much to clap for it…. No, I will not clap…. HEY, THAT’S E-FUCKIN’-NOUGH. I SAID I WILL NOT CLAP FOR THE CLAPPER.”

“You know what? This doesn’t feel like a friendly conversation. It feels gamey… What do you mean, like venison?… Are you comparing me to deer? Does that mean you want to hit me with your car? Because that’s a threat. I don’t feel safe. Where’s my bodyguard? He’s not here. I will not clap for that.”

“Dear Bic Pens, I’m writing to you to say that I am personally offended that my previous pen ran out of ink. I love you too much as a company to be treated this way, and so in order to preserve our relationship, I will no longer be buying your pens.”

“Would you look at this? I ran out of ink again. HEY, PEN, THAT’S E-FUCKIN-NOUGH!”

“Hey, I’m here to be a model. And after this I’m going to space camp and then magic carpet flying school. It’s all part of my new attempt to set realistic goals for myself.”

Jacqueline: “Hey Teresa, have you ever noticed how you look like a poodle?”

“See that painting over there, Kim? We’re not talking to it. It’s been viewed by those whores. And I do not view paintings that have been viewed by my enemies. And if it were to ever sell at an auction, I will not clap. I’ll say that right now: I will not clap.”

“Hi everyone!”
Danielle: “I will not clap.”

Kim: “So are you girls gonna take off your fur coats or what?”
Teresa: “How could I? It’s so cold in here. Get it? Because Danielle keeps staring at us. She’s such a fucking bitch. I hate her stupid face. But I think I should say hi!”

“Did you see this food? I had Kim G taste it first in case there’s poison in it. Yeah, that’s what I did. Because I don’t trust those women. They throw tables at me, they yell at me, they call me a prostitute and a whoo-ahh. I know they want to poison me. I know it.”
Kim: “Wait, did I just eat poison?”
“You did. But don’t think you’re so special. I will not clap for that.”

Danielle: “And for the record, I don’t know why we’re NOT clapping for Kim G., who clearly just had sex in the bathroom.”

There were so many crazy Danielle moments (from her saying “buh bye” to her laughing and then getting serious and saying “HA HA.”). What were your favorites? Who was most at fault at the fashion show? And when Teresa said that it was like high school, was she a cool girl or a mean girl?

51 replies on “HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: A Fashion Show With No Fashions! (But Plenty Of Tension)”

  1. Danielle is not organic-crazy like KKB but I enjoy her entitlement-crazy behavior more. Part of me feels bad when I enjoy making fun of Kelly but I don’t one bit bad about making fun of Danielle. She practically begs to be bitch-slapped.

    Kim G. is a first class rich bitch who seems to enjoy “pinning” Danielle against the Manzo Gang. And those other friends of Danielle’s who were sitting at her table glaring were hilarious. (it made me picture Jennifer30303030 doing a little Jets & Sharks fight dance)


  2. I love how Danielle is a name dropper…”Act like you are on the phone, I learned that from Paris Hilton.” AKA Danielle read that in Paris’s book (hang my head in shame that I know that)

  3. Don’t you mean “Because I don’t trust those woMAN” Ugh. Bat. Shit. crazy.

  4. If Teresa’s cries are “plaintiff” cries are Danielle’s “defendant” cries? 😉 I’m a moneypaying customer! And the “screaming cat”! Did Olivia pull that look? Someone needed to pull it–give it a nice tug.

    1. aww you fixed it. I was hoping it was a newly coined phrase just for us on the b-side.

  5. you know what’s classy? the spread enjoyed by Kim D, Jacks and TG at the restaurant; tater tots? pigs in a blanket? ketchup sandwiches? i actually can’t really make out all of what those ladies were consuming, but clearly it’s the height of culinary sophistication…

  6. I think Teresa’s true intentions by saying “Hi” to Danielle were to start a fight. She knew what she was doing slipping out of the dinner & just waiting patiently in that chair for her prey to come walking by. Like a moth to a flame.

    1. I agree. If she were truly being magnanimous, she wouldn’t have been so sneaky about it.

      1. Teresa (with some prodding from the producers no doubt) was out to make trouble and she got it.
        I loved how Danielle lied to Teresa about not knowing that Gia walked the runway at Fashion Week. She totally knew.!


        1. I also loved Teresa telling Danielle,”I’m just nice like that. Aren’t I a sweet person, Danielle?”
          How strange and delusional and stupid is that single cell brained women? (sp intended)

          1. It’s apparent that it’s easier for Danielle to lie than tell the truth. She’s pathological, sweethearthoneybunnydarling.
            I don’t think I believe ONE word that comes out of her hyena shaped mouth.
            Unfortunately there is only one truth about her: she has 2 daughters. Wish I could think of a second one.

    1. I’ll bet she has given the clap to a multitude of poor fools unfortunate enough to sleep with her.

  7. whenever the commercial for this episode came on, my sister and i would keep rewinding the part where she says “THAT’S E-FUCKIN-NOUGH” it never gets old…

    1. I love Sonya (NY) so it pains me to say this, but does anyone see a resemblance between Kim D and Sonya? Like nose/mouth? Especially lips? (Or is that a typical plumped up lip look?) Like if Sonya had an older aunt who spends too much time at the Jersey shore and overdoes the eyeliner?

  8. I especially enjoyed Danielle saying she wasnt going to shop at Posche anymore and Kim D. was going to miss her money. Did she forget her tab?! Lol. If I remember correctly, she has said repeatedly that she struggles financially, now all of a sudden, she “spends” a ton of money in Kim D.’s “little boutique??”

    Oh yeah, what’s up with the Donnie Brasco bodyguard?! Lol

  9. I luv luv luv all things against Danielle. lol. Guess i am just a pot stirrer at heart but i was giggling when ashley waved to her across the room. And Teresa is a nice person ya know, she just wanted to say hi! I hope she knocks some teeth out next episode…..oops was that too much?

    Also, I felt a wee bit of concern for Kim D when Danielle said she would NOT shop there any longer and would NOT be paying for anything. Lets see how that works out for her, I sure hope Kim doesn’t go out of business.

  10. Simply fabulous. B-side you have outdone yourself.

    I’ll never look at a bic the same way again.


  11. Danielle is the new Spencer Pratt in my book: So outrageously delusional and annoying that I want shake them by the shoulders and slap them around until their heads fall off and possibly run them over with my car to seal the deal…. But then I will be just as crazy acting as they are! Ugh! You can’t win with these people! The “crazy” is contagious!

    PS: Did anyone else notice that EVERY TIME they cut to Danielle at the “fashion show” she would be funneling champagne down her surgically enhanced pie-hole? She had to be blasted. Blasted, boulder-boobed and botoxed…

  12. B-side: don’t see much difference between Teresa and Danielle at this point. They are both ridunculous. Elch.
    The only reason to keep watching these mean-spirited phonies (except for Caroline..the only REAL, HONEST one among them) is to be able to understand your funnier than thou recaps.
    I wonder how many thousands of chinchillas had to die for Kim D. to have Teresa model that rat wrap on her disgusting corps? It’s a real toss-up between who’s the fugliest of them all: Botox JacQueen, Prostitution Whore or Ain’t I Nice?

  13. I have to say that this woman Danielle is a complete and total disaster. The fact that she would tape herself having sex when she’s nearly 50 years old for her own watching pleasure is weird enough but the fact that she seems so nonchalant about it being out there and seems completely oblivious to how it might affect her poor daughters is just DISJUSTING! She is one of the dirtiest looking woman I’ve ever seen who’s only interest is herself and what she wants. The sad truth is she’s a whore and no matter how much money she’s has or makes she’ll always be a whore. Anyone who has sex for profit is a whore. Period!!

  14. This recap made me laugh out loud — thanks! And the last photocap was hilarious because Kim G TOTALLY had a ‘freshly-f**ked’ look about her. She is annoying and crazy but I kind of dig her as I think she is merely along for the ride on the huge sh*t-storm she is creating by stirring the pot. Kim D. is just crazy but still a riot.

    The Danielle complaint calls/letters are priceless! You do know that EVERYONE (and apparently everything including clappers and pens) are out to get her, right?

    Theresa is a big, dumb jerk and knew she was picking a fight.

  15. Is it just me, or does Danielle bear a stricking resemblence to Zira in Planet of the Apes? (Especially in the phone picture.)

  16. “Don’t mind me. Albie threw a piece of ham in my face.”

    I haven’t caught the episode yet so I can’t contribute but this ^ was hilarious.

  17. I think the most cringe worthy moment was when Danielle sarcastically clapped for Jacqueline’s parenting skills (and here she was saying she wouldn’t clap!!). Danielle credits herself for her children doing well in school, modeling, being good girls, but I think they’re tag teaming it and raising themselves. I wouldn’t be surprised if they both hit the road when they were 18 and distanced themselves from her dramatically. They seem very psychologically affected by her wackyness.

    I think Teresa was trying to start a bit of trouble, but if Danielle would’ve just gone with it like a normal human being (despite the fakeness of it all), there would’ve been no problem.

    Danielle’s interaction with the desk clerk at Posche was hysterical. The woman put her finger up because she was on the phone and/or occupied, but GOD FORBID Danielle ever wait one moment for someone to service her. She’s so self righteous and self absorbed. I think she’s truly lost touch with how normal people operate.

    Oh, and in regards to Elvira-according to Andy Cohen’s twitter, Elvira sent out press releases saying she was the new RHoNJ, but Andy said it was completely false, that she’s not a new housewife, and that she’s crazy (I’m paraphrasing here :-))

  18. “…she seemed more apt to be cleaning a ham hock at the local Super Stop & Shop.”

    B-Side, are you aware of the fact that there is a Super Stop & Shop in the SAME strip mall as Posche?? I almost died when I read that!! She was SOOO pulled from the deli counter at S&S to film this scene! I live 10 minutes away & used to shop there when I worked in Wayne. I also used to go to Nisha, the nail salon at which Dina worked, and tutored Albie while he was in high school at a local learning center. I was in college and always thought he was cute…how inappropriate! The staff loved to tell anyone who’d listen that his parents own the Brownstone. I remember the day he stopped coming I thought “Darn, I’ll never get to see how hot he turns out to be.”

    This weekend I’m going to the Brownstone for a wedding. It actually is one of my favorite banquet facilities (they have the best chicken marsala) and I’m hoping to meet Chris, convince him to let me pretend to be his girlfriend and get onto the show next season. Wish me luck!

    P.S. The place Danielle got her boobs done is in a dumpy shopping center right next to a Blockbuster that just went out of business. It’s not exactly the place I’d want to undergo major corrective surgery. Hell, it’s not exactly the place I’d want to go to rent videos but alls well that ends well. I guess.

    1. Yes! An inside look at all these strip malls and shopping centers. I can stop in at Posche for the latest black spangly outfit and then pick up some ricotta and a jug of chianti for spaghetti dinner night! Don’t forget your escort this weekend–it’s the LION’S DEN!

      1. Yes, I’ll keep you posted on the local dirt! I’ll keep an eye out for the prostitution whoahhs that frequent the Brownstone.

  19. As much as I hate to admit this, the Kims, plus Kim G.’s hair, are much needed to this cast.

    Theresa TOTALLY wanted to start some trouble. She knows the way to get Danielle’s panties wet is to act condescending towards her. And since Danielle’s pretty much crazy, she walked right into it.

    I actually don’t like to see them get violent with each other. It just doesn’t seem funny anymore. Call me old fashioned, but I like my Housewife comedy in the form of backhanded insults, passive-aggressive digs, gaudy sartorial fashions, and high doses of lack of self-awareness.

  20. Did anyone else notice that when Danielle was “looking” for a friend while at the fashion show, her eyes were continually focused on one spot – the enemy table!

  21. Kim D and Sonia must be sisters..they are twins! I WILL clap for that.

    The craziness and fights are why I watch! I have not seen that much fun since I taught high school. Not that I egged any of that on or anything.

    Great recap and I never miss one now! They go best with Pinot Grigio…

  22. This photocap made me laugh out loud the entire time I was reading it. Frilarious!!!!

    These women are TRAINWRECKS. Except maybe Jacqueline and Caroline. But they have kids who are trainwrecks.

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