I’m loving The Hills these days. Kristin’s bitchy demeanor has come into its own (much as it did on her second season of Laguna Beach), and the introduction of this Allie Lutz girl has been nothing but pure entertainment. It’s somewhat tragic that we seem to be limited to only one run-in per week between these two because when they go at it, America wins. On last night’s show, it was more of the same between them. The two encountered each other at local club MyHouse, and unsurprisingly, Allie felt the need to march up to Kristin to announce that there was no reason for them to hate each other. Kristin wasn’t having any of it and retorted that Allie was certifiably insane. There was much talk about an alleged diamond ring, but ultimately, Allie retreated to her seat with McKaela, who once again bore the brunt of the cool kids’ wrath. Didn’t she know not to bring loser Allie “around”? (I love that they talk as if they’re in some 1950s diner).

Clearly McKaela hadn’t learned her lesson, and so when Kristin stopped by Smashbox Studios a few days later to have lunch with Lo, she happily lit into the innocent fawn with some of her trademark nastiness. However, because this was Kristin, every moment of her dismissive attack was somewhat awesome. I like this poor McKaela girl (who’s clearly been suckered by the producers into dragging cougar-riffic Allie around), but as much as I like McKaela, I enjoy Kristin’s verbal bitch slapping more. She embodies the word “Whatever…” and while that should probably an egregious character trait, it somehow comes off as… awesome? If only Kristin were like this last season. Maybe then the show wouldn’t be on its way out. (Oh, who am I kidding? The kids were demanding too much money. It was bound to be cancelled).

Nevertheless, it’s amazing what some fun cattiness can do to improve a show. Even Brody doesn’t seem as annoying as he used to; although, don’t get me wrong: he remains quite the bitch. I’m sure I wasn’t the only one relieved to hear Frankie say “Brody’s such a little bitch” at the beach. Quite frankly, I’m a touch surprised that The Brodester has gone about two episodes without demanding a hug.

I can’t help but think that while Kristin deserves huge credit for making The Hills fun again, part of the show’s improvement has come from the utter disappearance of Speidi. It’s remarkable, really. It’s like MTV just simply erased them from Earth. Poor Heidi. All that plastic surgery and pain for what? To NOT be on TV? Oops.

I only wish the producers would go that extra step and excise Audrina from the show too. Her dalliances with douchebags are frustrating, and the fact that she always winds up with Justin Bobby is even more so. Additionally, I’m getting the unnerving feeling that MTV is attempting to paint their on-again, off-again relationship as one of the great modern romances of the Western World. These two lovebirds — they’re just DESTINED for each other! But guess what? No one cares. (Bonus points to Lo, however, for astutely observing that if the girls invited JB to Audrina’s sailboat birthday party, he wouldn’t show up, but if they didn’t invite him, he would. I let out a chuckle. And then I shook my head in embarrassment. I’m way too involved in these people’s lives).

Nevertheless, the saga of Audrina and Ryan came to an anticlimactic end. Aud drove to Ryan’s house — curiously painted a pastel yellow (how VERY rocker) — and through several understated and broken sentences, she ultimately broke up with her v-neck’d lovah. This was all for the best, but it also left me with a modicum of sadness. No, it had nothing to do with their relationship. It had more to do with the fact that I saw Audrina and Ryan filming a scene for The Hills together and was hoping all this time that it would air so I could say “I WAS THERE!!!” (as were Sly, IndianJones, Jenny, and Havarti), but alas, it seems as though my opportunities for bragging have been cut short.

Well, after Audrina cut Ryan out of her life (and believe me, that’s a lot of man to cut), she went down to Marina Del Rey to enjoy her birthday party on a sailboat. A wise man once crooned that sailing takes you away to where you always heard it could be. Well, if this boat was any indication, I certainly heard wrong. I’m not sure I’d like to be trapped on a seafaring vessel with the likes of Audrina, Justin Bobby, Brody, Kristin, and Justin Bobby’s friend Derek, among others. I’m fairly certain that they’ve all slept with each other at some point, perhaps in a Round-Robin fashion. Seems a bit intense for me.

Ultimately the episode ended with Audrina and Justin hanging out by the side of the sailboat, perhaps about to rekindle their great love. Either that or barf into the raging waters below. Seems to be par for the course on a boat (or in the presence of JB).

Kristin: “I’m bored.”
Lo: “We’re bored.”

“I’m so excited for my birthday!! Can’t you tell? My face is just FULL of excitement!”

Frankie: “Hey Brody, what’s the deal with McKaela?”
“Here’s the thing about McKaaaaaaaaaaaaayyy-llllaaah. She’s totally lllllaaaaaame.”

Kristin: “Nice hat, Brody. Where’d you get it?”
“Oh, you know. Urban Douchefitters.”

“Bitch, don’t think you can burgle Brody and get away with it. I take home invasion VERY seriously. VERY.”

Kristin: “Allie, get away from me.”
Allie: “No, YOU get away from ME!”
“You are LITERALLY insane. LITERALLY.”
“No, YOU are literally insane. LITERALLY!”
“Oh my God.”
“Oh MY God.”
“No, YOU leave.”

“Just because I employ heart-shaped stickies doesn’t mean I’m The Nice One. I’m sorry, was that mean? My bad.”

“I’m sorry, Ryan. It’s just not working out. I’m so sad. Can’t you tell? IT’S ALL OVER MY FACE.”

“I can fix this. Do you want me to grow my hair taller? I can do that! Should I wear a deeper v-neck? I can do that too! I can wear a v-neck that goes down to my bellybutton. Just tell me what to do!!”

“I’m sorry, Justin Bobby. What were you saying? I got distracted by the sewer rat that just crawled out of your hair.”

“I broke up with Ryan yesterday. I’m devastated. Can’t you tell? It’s all over my face.”

“I’m so happy you’re here. Can’t you tell? I feel like I’m just WEARING the joy on my FACE!”

What did you think about the episode?

13 replies on “HILLS PHOTOCAP: Audrina’s Lazy Susan of Douchebags Brings Justin Bobby Back Into The Fold”

  1. – When Kristen said to Auds that perhaps she and JB were destined to be together like her and Brody, I guffawed. Yes, g-u-f-f-a-w-e-d. Kristen wants Brody to want her so bad she can taste it. But he doesn’t.

    – When Mackalaya (whatever) said maybe Kristen wasn’t mad about Allie and that maybe she was mad because her & Brody were dating. Ok Maculuaya, I don’t think you can still say you and Brody are dating after he dissed you several times and leaves everytime you show up.

    – Am I the only one who wanted someone to yell “I’m On A Motherfucking Boat!”?


    1. I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks Melekalikimaka’s name is ridiculous.

  2. “I can wear a v-neck that goes down to my bellybutton. Just tell me what to do!” Hahahah! Ryan take your hair, your tight pants, and your “standard” (in the words of Stephen Colletti and Dieter) personality somewhere else. If low-self-esteem, no-personality Audrina doesn’t want you. Sheesh. Good luck.

    I love Lo. And wanted to buy her a drink after she called JB out. Again. First she names the guy. Then she mocks him relentlessly. Then she calls out his lack of passion and motivation, minus the one time he was nearly naked playing drums. Then this. Give Lo her own show!

    Mckaela is Audrina 2.0. Boring. Low self-esteem. Fake sweet. I think that’s why Audrina’s especially annoying this season. Too much.

    I loved Kristin bringing back “Whatever” circa LB S2. I miss THAT Kristin.

    And I did laugh when JB called Ryan “little fella.” But stopped b/c I refuse to find him humorous. All he does is remind me of those dudes who wanna be Kurt Cobaine. And I’ll probably get virtually slapped for saying this, but I even think the original Kurt was too self-involved and took himself too seriously.

  3. You should win a blogging award for the title of this entry. “Lazy Susan of Douchebags”!!! Thanks for the great recaps.

  4. When I was watching Tues. night and they cut to Ryan in his apartment, I was like “WUHOHAHHHHAAATT?!?” over that friggin shirt. I thought, “BSide better make a comment about this sartorial abomination!”

    Well, unless a woman had been wearing it, then it might have looked nice.

  5. My short term memory is shot but Audrina was complaining about the Hedgehog singing love songs to her at his “concert” and she was upset…I mean, c’mon!! He wrote that song for Ashlee Simpson. He was totally using that show for publicity for…I’m not really sure what.

  6. Oh B-Side, how I’ve missed you. I remember your blogging days at tvgasm, and when you left I was so sad. Now I found this and its like life makes sense again. =D

    I will never forget your recap of an old Hills episode – can’t remember which one but it was back in the days when Speidi didn’t live together. Spencer was being his usual douchey self and getting all up in some guy’s face for daring to call Heidi out on her inappropriate work attire. You wrote something about “You Shall Not Touch the Spencer!” I literally spat out my coffee laughing at that.

    Spencer has really gone off into Looney Tunes land. I hope Heidi regains some of her old spunk when she finally leaves him in his pathetic dust. It’s time for his 15 minutes to be OH-VER.

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