At long last, Teresa Giudice popped out a fourth baby girl on Monday’s Real Housewives of New Jersey, and what a bizarre production it was. When the gaudy housewife first went into labor, she treated the process as casually as if she had to go pick up her dry-cleaning (oh shoot, I need to do that). Teresa meandered around the house, assembling an overnight bag of various garments all seemingly constructed from different animal prints. When she was done doing that, she made French toast for her daughters and then finally, finally she was ready for the hospital. Too bad her husband Joe was busy nursing his very own cup of Joe. As usual, he moved at the speed of oozing hair gel, occasionally interrupting his sloth-like behavior to crack a dumb joke that didn’t really make any sense.
Eventually though, husband and wife made their way to the hospital where Teresa’s been-there, done-that attitude quickly transformed into screams of pain. In the middle of it all, she did manage to ask for a diamond (which in turn prompted yet another silly joke from Joe about dying in the mountains of Africa. A regular Jerry Seinfeld that one). Finally, after much screaming and rage, Teresa popped out another bambino, and thus little Audriana (yes, spelled THAT way) was welcomed into the world.
Elsewhere in New Jersey, it was more of the same. Jacqueline continued to be one of the dullest cast members of the entire franchise with her perpetual light bickering with directionless daughter Ashley. There was a tinge of excitement in her world when her husband revealed a small artillery of guns in the family vault, but since none of them went off, the thrill of firearms was left mostly unfelt.
In Dina land, the only news was that Teresa asked her to be Audriana’s godmother, thus prompting tears from both women. I’m sure local pyschic Zen Jen would have approved massively. Of course, Zen Jen also still wants Dina to go talk with Danielle, a suggestion that severely bothered Caroline, who quite frankly should be more concerned about other things — namely her son “interning” at Scores Gentleman’s Club in New York City. I understand that these women don’t like Danielle, but Caroline really has to give it up already. To borrow an incendiary phrase from Bethenny, it’s time to get a new hobby.
Same goes for Danielle, who likes to think she’s above the fray, but man oh man does she like the drama. Why else would she seek out two shady ex-convicts to accompany her to a fundraiser at the Brownstone for BABY CANCER? This has disaster written all over it. And it’s about time. This season has been a snooze-fest…