HILLS PHOTOCAP: Brody Jenner Finds New Love, Suffers Hugging Drought

I gotta admit that after last season of The Hills, I was ready to write the whole show off, but now in its final swan song, I’m kind of digging it again. Last week’s show (which I didn’t cover) featured a genuinely emotional moment as Holly, Stephanie, Audrina, Lo, and Kristin sat around and pondered the sad fate of Heidi and Spencer. It was a surprisingly enthralling scene, and for all the people who complain that the series is too scripted, the tears that Holly and Stephanie shed proved that the emotions are real (even if they flowed in a contrived circumstance).

This week’s episode was less emotional but still rather enjoyable. It featured the same mix of partying, squabbling, and candid conversations on sectional sofas (mmmm… sectional sofas. I want… sorry, I digress). Anyway, the big topic of discussion this time around had to do with love. Awwww. Isn’t it just so peachy when the denizens of The Hills get lusty in their loins? Stepping up to the Chatroulette that is Los Angeles were Stephanie Pratt and Brody Jenner — not together though. My goodness, that would be awful. Nope, each one of them was investigating new avenues of romance, and both faced some major challenges. For Stephanie, it was her checkered past. For Brody, it was Kristin. I think we can imagine how this all played out.

Let’s start with Brody. When we last had seen him, he was waltzing around Kristin’s breakfast nook wearing a crop top that must have given Frankie a boner when he saw it on TV. We were led to believe that the two had been hooking up, and so the love rhombus between Kristin and Brody and Audrina and Ryan Cabrera became that much more intriguing. Okay, it wasn’t that intriguing. I was just trying to inject some drama into the proceedings.

Anyway, cut to this week, and Brody was informing Kristin that the two of them weren’t in a relationship, ahem, relaaaaaytionship and that it would be best if they continued their dating laaaaaaahhhves like usual. She seemed fine with it, but we all knew this arrangement would go sour. They always do.

Sure enough, Brody soon found himself on a date with a pretty girl named McKaela (yes, spelled THAT way), and as far as we could tell, she seemed to be aiiiight. Her face seemed untouched by plastic surgery, and in the brief time that we had with her, she did not once reach for a bottle of Jaeger to chug. So already that’s two bonuses she has over last season’s flame, Jayde. Nevertheless, Brody wooed the girl with his usual flirtations, but when Kristin called to say “What’s up? Wanna DO IT?” he seemed tempted to take the call. McKaela, however, announced a firm “no phones at the table” rule, which effectively put the kibosh on any Kristin canoodling. Needless to say, The Cav was not pleased with her call going directly to voicemail for the third time that evening.

It should therefore come as no shock to learn that when Kristin and McKaela did finally meet later in the episode, the resultant experience was not what one might term a “love-fest.” That’s mostly due to Brody though. You see, the whole gang had convened at a local joint called Jane’s House, and upon arrival Kristin was noticeably uncomfortable with the situation. She only offered Brody a terse greeting, causing him to get all huffy about not receiving a hug. Yes, it was classic, bitchy Brody, and Kristin wasn’t about to have it. She replied that it was physically too difficult to reach Brody for a hug, causing him to sulk next McKaela for the rest of the night. Kristin, meanwhile, was clearly annoyed to have been put on the spot. I’m not saying she was justified in acting coldly as it was she who agreed to this open relationship situation, but that being said, Brody should have been smart enough to realize that his best plan of attack was not to put Kristin on defense but instead make her feel welcome. The assumption in that last sentence, however, was using the term “smart enough” because as we all know, that’s not a phrase that gets bandied about with Brody Jenner too often.

Well, Kristin felt most uneasy with Brody; so she clustered with the other girls in a corner, which in turn made Brody feel left out. He finally up and left, and the scandalous impasse came to a close. Later, Kristin complained that Brody was all over McKaela, which was just rude and uncalled for, according to her, and once she had worked herself into enough of a tizzy, she marched over to Brody’s condo and plopped down on his couch without (brace for it) giving Brody A HUG. Once again, Brody went hugless in Hollywood. Could there be a greater crime? I think not!

The two then bickered about the situation, and I took great satisfaction in hearing Kristin tell The Brodester that nothing goes through his head, a statement which did not, in fact, go through his head. This was followed by Kristin storming out of the condo, huffing a well-deserved “shut up” as she left.

Elsewhere in Hollywood, Stephanie Pratt was thrown an endearing story for once. In the wake of her much-publicizied DUI, she’s had to go sober, which has placed something of a crimp on her social life, not to mention dating life. However, thanks to Lo, who often serves as a modern day Jane Austen character come to life, there was romance on the horizon. Lo was going to set Stephanie up with a strapping young man for a double date. This was all fine and good, except Steph had some serious concerns about how she’d be perceived by the guy.

When the suitor, Max, did finally arrive, he proved to be a total catch: cute, polite, and gregarious. We could see that Stephanie was totally overwhelmed, afraid that her past would screw everything up. Her biggest concern, however, was that when she ordered a nonalcoholic beverage, all the truth would come out about her drinking, her arrest, her brother, and who knows what else. All the anxiety was for naught though as Max hardly batted an eye when Stephanie ordered a soda at dinner. In fact, he was gentlemanly enough to offer her his coat afterwards and ask her out for a second date. Awww.

Now maybe it’s just me, but I thought this was actually a charming little subplot. I think there was something very relatable about Stephanie’s position, and one doesn’t have to have gone through a DUI and AA classes to feel that way. It was a rare moment of universal appeal, something that this show has long lost now that it focuses exclusively on the douchebags who play around in Hollywood.

Case in point: the ongoing saga of Audrina and Ryan Cabrera. There’s really nothing to say about these two. In fact, they shared one scene together, and I couldn’t even tell you what they said. All I know is that Ryan for some reason gets his full name put on screen whereas everyone else receives just their first (when arguably, they are all more famous than he).

In other news, no Speidi this episode! Hurrah!

Anyway, on to the photocap…

“Kristin, I really laaaaahke you, but only as a friend. I think we better put the braaaaakes on this relaaaaaaytionship.”

“Ugh. Why did Brody send me this picture of Fraggle Rock? Oh, it’s his penis.”

McKaela: “Cheers to me being pretty.”
Brody: “Can I get a hug now?”

“How did I become the voice of reason on this show? I’m Charlie. I’m supposed to be driving an ice cream truck and scaring children.”

“I like butterflies.”

McKaela: “Brody, what are you doing?”
“I’m controlling your thoughts with my hand. You want to eat nachos now, don’t you?”
“No…”
“How about now?”
“No….”
“Now?”
“No…”

Brody: “Man, I just wanna date hug you.”
“What does that mean?”
“It’s like date rape, except instead of raping you, I hug you! Or actually, you hug me.”

Kristin: “Ugh, Brody is such a tool. He was all over her.”
Stacie: “All over her.”
“He’s so lame.”
“SO lame.”
“And I hate sidewalks. They’re the worst.”
“THE worst!”
“They make my feet tired.”
“SO tired.”
“I’ll need to sit soon.”
“SO soon.”

Steph: “So does it bother you that you’re in the opening credits, and yet you still don’t have a main story line about you?”

“Hi! I’m Max! I’m affable!”

“Guess what? I’m still affable!”

“I’d like to announce that in the feature film version of my life, I’d like to be portrayed by the timeless Sharon Stone.”

“I farted.”

What did you think about the episode?