When it comes to chilly experiences, Jill Zarin has become an expert on the subject. First she received the coldest of cold receptions at Ramona’s Caribbean getaway. Then she felt something even icier: ice. Yes, in one of the most amusing moments of this season of The Real Housewives of New York City, Jill Zarin totally bit it face-first on an ice rink at her much-hyped skating party. The scene was so funny that my friend jash and I rewound it at least ten times in a row, each time with more raucous laughter than the next. I think it’s officially the funniest pratfall in Housewives history, taking the mantle away from Vicki, who famously toppled over while receiving an award.
Of course, part of the satisfaction of watching Jill take a spill comes from seeing some small bit of cosmic justice for her increasingly controlling and vicious behavior. She’s gone through quite the descent this season, and even the most ardent Jill fans (ie. ME) have had to reevaluate their dedication to her. It’s been sad, really. For two years, she was the mother hen that most fans loved. Now she’s the most despised person on the show, and it’s not only because of the whole Bethenny brouhaha. It’s because Jill has emerged as something of a monster, lashing out at those she feels have slighted her, allying with those who enable her, and more or less waltzing through every episode with a raging sense of entitlement.
It seems, however, that Jill might be getting the picture. After her attempt to surprise Ramona in the Caribbean backfired tremendously (causing one of the most awkward moments EVER), it became clear that her friendships were falling apart all around her. Just take one look at Alex, who looked like she was about to barf on her pedicurist at the mere sight of Jill. I’m not sure I’ve really seen someone have such a visceral reaction to another person before, and watching Ramona hug and console Alex afterwards as if the Boogeyman himself had just sauntered in for a Fresca was highly entertaining.
Jill, of course, was livid that no one had embraced her with open arms. She did have a very minor point — I can’t imagine flying in to surprise my friends and have them not care in the slightest. However, we also have to look at the context of the situation. First, these women had just endured the chaos that was Kelly (who conveniently left the island getaway after her mental breakdown the night prior). After all that craziness, they just wanted to relax and not deal with an overbearing presence like Jill. Having her and Ramona in the same room for more than ten minutes meant that there’d be drama, and no one was in the mood.
Second, Jill had already shunned the trip, and so her arrival felt less like a genuine desire to be with friends than a ploy for plaudits and attention. It was insincere, and given that she was on bad terms with two of the four women present, the entire thing felt more or less passive-aggressive.
And so Jill retreated to her vehicle, angry at Ramona that her nice gesture had been rejected. As usual, Jill put things in black and white, saying that Ramona had chosen Alex over her — a gross oversimplification, and one that could be easily thrown back at Jill, who was acting like a snubbing victim when it was she who had originally done the snubbing in the first place. The entire impasse was uncomfortable yet amazing, but soon Jill and Bawwwby flew off to St. Barts, leaving the rest of the women to spend their last night in peace, save for a brief medical emergency involving Ramona and an errant bit of lobster shell.
Eventually, everyone returned to NYC, and Kelly made her triumphant return to the public when she met Jill, LuAnn, and Jennifer for lunch. The model continued to make no sense, and the only thing crazier than the words coming out of her mouth was the strange gray contraption Jennifer had chosen to wear for the occasion. She kind of looked like a charcoal meringue, if that makes sense. Anyway, Kelly told her warped, nonsensical side of the story, causing great horror in LuAnn, who went into extreme Countess mode when she heard the term “Ho-bag.” This resulted in LuAnn’s patented brand of haughty condescension, which admittedly can be awful but instead came off as hilariously wonderful this time around. I don’t know what was funnier: witnessing her enormous disdain or listening her say “ho-bag” over and over again.
As for the rest of the episode, it was something of a whirlwind of gossip and bickering. LuAnn continued to cull information about the island getaway at a party hosted by Sonja (which featured a wonderful entrance by Ramona doing her classic eyes-darting-everwhere-in-confusion gambit), and later on, Jill threw her ice skating party, which featured another appearance from Kelly. This led to more drama, naturally, when Ramona walked in. Kelly accused her of not having her back down in the Caribbean, causing Ramona to press her hands against her temples and do the “OMG, I am too crazy to deal with your crazy right now” face. It’s always hilarious, yet unsettling, when Ramona becomes the voice of reason on this show.
Meanwhile, when she wasn’t biting it on the ice, Jill was busy talking with her sister about how badly she missed Bethenny. She called up her wayward friend right then and there and put a lunch on the books. But will they make amends? Eh, probably not. I guess we’ll find out next week on the (gasp!) season finale.
Oh, Bravo. Why does it have to be over? It’s been so wonderful. Don’t leave us with those dull women from New Jersey. It’s just not the same!
“I just wanna know why no one else dressed like Joan Collins on holiday?”
“UGH! Why can’t I just go into labor now?”
Sonja: “Ladies, as my gift to you all, I arranged for us to all get mani-pedis. Then afterwards you get to watch while a native man pins me down and has his way with my lady regions. He’s exotic, you know. A Chinaman!”
“This is so relaxing. Nothing could ruin this. Well, I guess if Jill Zarin suddenly appeared, that would ruin it. But it’s not like THAT’s gonna happen.”
“I don’t like this. I don’t like that you just walked in, Jill. I’m in shock. I’m a little in shock. I gotta say, I’m in shock. And now I’m concerned for Bethenny’s baby. I want it to be healthy. That’s my thing. I want people to be healthy. I’m just a very, I don’t know, caring person like that. I think maybe it came from me being renewed. I’m going through a renewal. I don’t know if you noticed, but I cut my hair. Some people think I’m Cameron Diaz now. I don’t know. I’M JUST IN SHOCK, JILL!”
“Well this is the last time I try to surprise anyone in a thinly veiled attempt to earn accolades and attention!”
Sonja: “Ramona! Are you okay! My boobs will save you!”
Alex: “That bit of lobster is in your throat. It is a MEAN morsel, and while it is in your throat, I AM IN BROOKLYN!!!”
Sonja: “What are you talking about? You’re right here.”
“I was being metaphorical. I kind of felt like I was in the Brooklyn region of the table.”
“I could see that. Oh dear, I think Ramona’s dead.”
“I’d like to add that Jill Zarin is in high school, and while she is in high school, I AM IN THE CARIBBEAN SMILING AT NOTHING IN PARTICULAR!!!”
“Wait, so you’re not supposed to eat the lobster shell? Is that why I choked? Because I swear I saw Daryl Hannah eat lobster shell in that one mermaid movie. What was it called? The Splash? I don’t know. Avery knows these things.”
“What? It’s called just Splash? Wait, is it Splash or Just Splash? See, why wouldn’t they call it THE Splash. When you jump in water, that’s called the splash. That’s what happens when you jump in. You get the splash. Sorry. It’s what happens.”
“And you know, when the mermaid was in New York, she was kind of making a splash; so really, the movie should have been called A Splash or Making A Splash or Making A Splash In Manhattan: A Mermaid’s Tail. Spelled like ‘tail’ not ‘tale.’ I don’t know why people don’t think of these things. This is the way I think. I see an idea, and I just say it. And it works. That’s just how I do it. If it were me, I would have called it, True Splash. That’s what I would have called it. Sorry. I’m just being honest. True Splash.“
“I don’t like being in handcuffs. I feel like I’ve been arrested. For crimes. For SEX crimes! [insert one-eyed gawky laugh] Did you hear that? I said SEX crimes! Because these are like, like sex toys. Tap Sonja. I don’t think she heard me. SONJA. I said I got arrested for a sex crime! You get it?”
“This is going into the first chapter of my new book, The Skinny Girl’s Guide To Being The Karate Kid.”
“I like this soda. Someday, I hope I alienate it, and then when it least expects it, I’ll surprise it and demand that it shower me with praise.”
“You guys don’t understand. Bethenny attacked me. She said hello; so I called her a ho-bag. I feared for my life!”
“You called her a ho-bag? WELL, that’s certainly not a classy thing to say. You know, someone once called ME a ho-bag. Well, not a ho-bag. I believe the term was ‘snake.’ Okay, I’ll just say it: Bethenny called me a snake. Would you believe her? ME! A snake!”
“Zip it, LuAnn.”
“Excuse me? Did you just tell me to zip it? JE CROIS PAS!”
“Well, you just made fun of my very dear friend, Gwyneth. Gwyneth Paltrow.”
“Huh? She didn’t say a thing.”
“I know what I heard. And that wasn’t very nice of you to say that about my OTHER very good friend, Ham.”
“Hamburger Helper. The little glove? UGH. You just don’t get it. Al Sharpton over here drinking her soda and mocking my best friend, just because he’s a glove with a smiley face.”
“I don’t know what Hamburger Helper is, and I’m not sure I care to find out. Do the poors eat it?”
“Look, I’m not here to gossip. I hate gossiping. I hate badmouthing people. Ew. It’s just gross. So anyway, let me badmouth those women and spread gossip.”
Ramona: “I need someone to settle this. I clearly announced that I’d be wearing a top made of tinfoil, but then Bethenny here, who I ADORE, did the same thing.”
Bethenny: “So wrong that I wear tinfoil over my boobs? I gotta get permission for every wardrobe choice I make?”
“I just think it’s rude. No, you know what it is? It’s dÃ©classÃ©. That’s what it is. Sorry. It’s dÃ©classÃ©. And this is why you have no friends and your father hated you. Sorry, just being honest. I can’t help it.”
“I just want to say that anyone who didn’t come to this ice skating party is now officially no longer my friend.”
“Kelly, you’re so crazy that your making my crazy eyes look normal. Do you see? They look regular now! Regular!!”
“Isn’t this just a riot? Skating on ice? I do wish this Asian would show some class and let me skate by. It seems rather nasty of her to block my path. I find it so difficult to command respect in these ethnic environments. Excuse me, Miss? Miss? Do you mind skating to the side, please?”
“Huh? Oh. Okay, I’m sorry.”
“Excuse me? What did you say?”
“I said sorry.”
“My goodness. She called me a snake! Would you believe she called me a snake? The mouth on that one. So nasty!”
“And now I’d like to present my patented move, the Zarin Axel: 3-2-1–“
“Hold on, hold on. Let me try that again. I just need to get my balance, and then I’ll be able to–“
“BAWWWWBY, I’m cold. My costume needs more ZAAAARIN FAAAABRRR–“
“Would you look at Jill? She just fell on her face. Maybe she’s a bit lopsided after all that pizza at lunch. She does love it so… [insert haughty Countess laugh here]”
“Luann! Luann! Watch me do this–“
“Jill, my love, you need to skate with elegance and grace. I wrote a song about it. Hit it, boys:”
When you’re skating on a frozen rink,
And you see a man you just might think,
That he should hold the door for you
And never wear the color blue.
Because the color blue is for the sky
And a Lady only wants to buy
Things she can find on Earth
That will only bring her endless mirth.
C’est mal, c’est Ã§a. C’est mal, Ã§’est ca.
“LuAnn, please stop singing. I fell. So wrong that I fell? It’s a free country. I’ve fallen countless times in the past, and–“
“Hmph. Serves her right for calling ME countless. Can you believe she said that about me? I mean, not while skating near the Cancer Society! NEVER while skating near the Cancer Society!”
What did you think about the episode? Are we sad to see this season ending next week?