What happens when you take an annoying six-year-old, a psychotic crystal enthusiast, a pair of giant boobs, and one very large elephant and put them together? You get a party at the Pratt’s! Such was the scene that unfolded midway through last night’s episode of The Hills, which saw the further psychological unraveling of Spencer. This time around he wasn’t blathering away about the transformative powers of rocks. Instead he was rambling like a maniac about the awfulness of Heidi’s mom, who he stated was merely a vessel — or specifically, a vagina — to bring Heidi into the world. More to the point, Spencer suggested the reason behind Darlene’s disappointment over her daughter’s new face and body was because she couldn’t play God and make the ideal Heidi. Of course, this introduces the notion that the plastic surgeon and/or Spencer ARE God because they could mold Heidi into perfection, but we won’t go there.
The point is that Spencer has gone a tad nuts, and if drugs aren’t the culprit, then perhaps it’s just bad genes. When he wasn’t hollering at sister-in-law Holly, he was sucking face with a lamb (yes, a lamb). And when he wasn’t getting some hot, ovine tongue action, he was slamming doors and making “WOOOOO” sounds like Whitney Houston. For her part, Heidi just sort of sat there frozen, which may or may not have been a byproduct of her surgery. It’s safe to say that things are not going well for the Pratts.
But let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves. You’re probably wondering what the hell any of this has to do with elephants and six-year-olds. Well, in one of the more contrived twists of the season, Heidi decided to throw a giant birthday bash for one of the most contrived twists of last season: Enzo. Why this awful rugrat is still on the show is beyond me. Either way, we knew Spencer wouldn’t be pleased with this turn of events, especially when he found out that Heidi had hired an event planner for the occasion. Back in my day, parents would just take us to miniature golf or bowling and be done with it. This is Los Angeles though. Things are done a bit differently here.
One time I was driving through the Hollywood Hills and came upon a kiddie birthday party, featuring donkeys and a petting zoo and clowns and CAR VALETS. This was astounding to me. About a week later, I wound up in a conversation with some family friends who live out here and whose kids at the time were about eight, ten, and twelve. I told them about this ostentatious scene I had stumbled across, and the father looked at me blankly and said without a trace of irony or sarcasm, “Well, who doesn’t have a petting zoo at a birthday party?” It was like I had suggested that BIRTHDAY CAKE was a bizarre addition to the proceedings.
And so while Heidi’s ridiculous party planning seemed excessive, I’m afraid that it’s about the norm in these parts. What wasn’t the norm was why she was having the party in the first place. This wasn’t her kid. Why weren’t his guardians taking care of the festivities (let’s pretend like we don’t know that clearly MTV insisted on this plot development). For once I was on Spencer’s side when he lambasted his wife’s choice to host the kids.
Heidi tried to mollify her husband by saying that he could invite his friends too. In reality, it would be a party for Enzo AND Spencer, she claimed. I wasn’t sure who above the age of eight would agree to come to such a ridiculous party, but sure enough, in walked Brody, Frankie, Sleazy-T and the whole crew. These guys were all a piece of work this episode. First of all, they’ve seemed to have adopted some sort of faux-cholo sensibility, going so far as to meander down to Inglewood to check out sweet rides and cruise down the streets as if they were fresh from the ‘hood. Memo to the Brodesters: you’re a bunch of rich kids. I don’t care if they have money, but please stop acting like tough street dudes.
Also amusing to watch was the carousel of facial hair that the boyz all seemed to be riding. Clearly Brody’s sidekicks were trying to be just like him, but unfortunately, they could never get their timing right. When we first saw Brody this episode, he was in full beard mode (not a great look for him — makes him look like a bum). Frankie et al. however were totally clean-shaven. Next, we saw the crew down in Inglewood, and wouldn’t you know it? Frankie and Sleazy-T were decked out in hirsute, overgrown beards that did little towards enhancing their aesthetic value. Oddly enough, Frankie looked kind of like a terrorist. But wait! Look at Brody! NO BEARD. Poor sidekicks — they can never keep up with their Master.
The next time we saw the gang, their beards were suddenly gone, but guess what? Brody’s facial hair had mysteriously returned! D’oh! Some day they’ll all be on the same page. Some day.
Anyway, Brody and the gang showed up at this birthday party where they watched from afar as an elephant grabbed a child and dangled him with its trunk. Later, all the “adults” sat around a kiddie table where Spencer went on his aforementioned rant against Darlene. Being the good daughter that she is, Holly stood up for her mother and went so far as to tell Spencer that by not respecting his elders, he wasn’t practicing what he was preaching (ie. Christianity). Point for Holly.
A few days later, Holly dropped by the house to talk to her sis, and we got to see the much hyped confrontation between her and Spencer. Basically, he railed on her, and then congratulated himself for restraining from saying what he REALLY meant to say. Tempers flared, and soon he went stalking out of the house, slamming the door behind him. Holly then burst into tears, saying that she was scared of Spencer, and when Heidi did her usual mollification thing, Holly revealed that she didn’t even have Heidi’s phone number anymore. Note that Heidi did not offer it up. A few more tears later, Holly left the house and was greeted outside by a chorus of jeers and insults from Spencer who continued to act childish and horrifying as she walked off the property. The guy is bonkers, and if he’s just playing the part of bonkers, well, then he’s sad too. Or maybe both.
Elsewhere in Los Angeles, we endured more scenes of Audrina with her latest douche, Ryan Cabrera. This guy gets worse and worse the more he talks, and once again, the producers happily inserted a shot of him rubbing his nose (COCAINE ALERT! COCAINE!). I suppose we’re meant to care about the developing love rhombus between Kristin and Brody and Audrina and Ryan, but considering that Kristin is the only one vaguely interesting of the group, I can’t truly say I’m terribly committed to this story line. I will, however, welcome a scene that perhaps centers on Brody punching Ryan in the face. That would be lovely. Also, bonus points to Brody for inflicting his Brodester accent onto the word “lounge,” thus giving us “lllllaaaah-nge.”
Now here are some pics:
“Hey Brody, what are we doing right now?”
“And what’s the opposite of death?”
“And if you’re not single, you’re in a—–?”
“And your favorite potato chips are Baked—-?”
“And you serve soup into a bowl with a—–?”
“And if there’s something on Facebook that captures your fancy, the button you click says—-?”
Heidi: “I think we should discuss the elephant in the room.”
“Fine. You look like a whorey Barbie Doll.”
“No. I mean, I literally want an elephant in the room.”
“I can’t wait to drive this sweet ride all around Los Angeles. You guys can follow me! We’ll call ourselves… DOUCHE PARADE!”
Ryan: “I like you so much, Audrina. If I could, I would grind you up and sort you through a twenty dollar bill.”
Kristin: “Is it me, or is Ryan Cabrera a bigger douche than that Charlie guy?”
Brody: “Who does he think he is? My esse?”
“Oh yeah. I’m hood now.”
“We are so tough, yo. I bet none of these six year olds will start up with us.”
“Do you ever think about tulips, and how they don’t even have two lips? I mean, they don’t even have one! It’s so weird…”
“Um, last time I checked, MY DEAR, your mother was just a vagina who brought you into this world. Clearly you ought to be thanking the crystals around my neck for providing you a with a circle of radiant energy from the omega dimension that protects the infinite sphere of magma oracles! Now somebody find me a lamb to RAPE!”
“I think I’m falling in love with you, and I’m not just saying that because I’m high. I really mean it. Plus, you can elevate my fame.”
Spencer: “I want you to listen to me, wifey. This sweater was made by a pack of mutant puffins. They’re very talented. It’s my mission to find those puffins and put them to work for us.”
“Think about it: an army of mutant puffins sewing us sweaters that we can sell in Rwanda. And what do we do with that money? We buy more crystals, and the crystals will lead us to more puffins. THINK ABOUT IT.”
“Dammit I’m such a frackin’ genius sometimes. Hey, is that buzzard looking at me? Don’t look over here, buzzard! YOU’RE NOT WELCOME ON THIS LAND!”
What did you think about the episode?