There’s nothing quite like Halloween on a Saturday, especially in West Hollywood, CA, where over 500,000 people convene to show off their costumes and check out everyone else’s in what usually proves to be the people watching event of the year. And as you all know, if there’s anything I love, it’s people watching. In 2008, I got all arts & crafty and built a Price Is Right costume that I was sure would wow the masses. It was certainly well received, but I must confess that it really didn’t elicit the rapturous response I was really going for. And yes, I’m very shallow about these things. I won’t mince words: I wanted attention.
This time around, I decided I’d go with a sure-fire strategy. If I wanted my costume to be a rousing success, I’d have to a) walk around in as little clothes as possible, or b) engage in some ’80s nostalgia. Guess which option won out? A few trips to some thrift stores later (not to mention Michael’s in Burbank and a wig shop in Hollywood), and I had all the essential items needed to make my very own Zack Morris costume. Cheap ’80s nostalgia, here I come!
Warning — somewhat NSFW. Buttocks, bare chests, and areolas (not in that order) after the jump…
First things first, I had to get some acid wash jeans. Not a terribly difficult task as they’re in abundance at any thrift store.
Next I needed some white high tops. Randomly, I have this pair of Air Force Ones, which — in a bizarre turn of events — actually used to belong to Method Man. Let’s face it: it’s not a Zack Morris costume if it doesn’t have street cred.
Of course, a blonde wig. This was actually a “Boy Band Wig,” which I trimmed awkwardly to be Zack-ish. Not a total success (it tended to look more Ricky Schroeder than anything else), but solid nonetheless.
Mandatory Zack Morris bright colors and crazy patterns.
And the piÃ¨ce de rÃ©sistance: a Zack Morris phone, which I made with foam core, white tape, black tape, glue, and a pen. The crafting highlight of my year.
Put it all together, and voila. I also added a “Zack, Bayside ’93” name tag in case people didn’t recognize me as I was without an obligatory posse of AC Slater and Screech.
Before going out, I had people over for cocktails chez moi. Here’s a relatively quiet moment in the evening. That’s Sly as a Lady Vulcan, and in the background is jash as a Mac Spinny Wheel of Death.
On the right is brilliantmistake, standing with an Indiana Jones and two puns: Universal Healthcare and Time Flies.
Zack Morris calling tech support after encountering the Spinny Wheel of Death.
A moment with The VC. Note Sly’s vulcan eyebrows.
The beautiful Morenike. She was concerned that she looked like a “ho angel,” but we reassured her that her ho qualities were minimal at best.
Cleaning up after jash spills red wine EVERYWHERE. This is totes beneath Zack Morris.
Eventually we made our way over to the festivities in West Hollywood where we found a glut of amusing costumes, such as this one by WOOJIN KIM.
The Spinny Wheel of Death attacks an unsuspecting Bert. Ernie expresses concern for his life partner.
Me doing the goofy Zack Morris smile with “the Kardashians.”
Further Kardashian excitement: Khloe and Lamar.
It’s not a trip to the West Hollywood Halloween Carnaval without encountering some trannies! Here’s a fascinating trio with various areolas threatening to burst free.
One of several Pee-Wee Hermans.
Even random shirtless police officers love Saved By The Bell.
Here’s a guy dressed as a character from Tron. Looks okay here, but then check him out with no flash…
A festive pairing of Pocahantas and Lofa Tatupu, natch.
One of Zack Morris’s biggest fans. This girl not only had a fanny pack, but she had scissors in her fanny pack. She happily gave me a little trim (no pun intended) in the middle of the street.
Well aren’t these the most pleasant looking white BeyoncÃ©s you’ve ever seen!
My friend Frank shows off a makeup-intensive bullet wound on his chest. I, however, continue my streak of goofy smiles.
One of many, many Waldos. In fact, it seemed to be the second-most popular costume of the night behind characters from Where The Wild Things Are. Even Lil Grans dressed up as Waldo, but he didn’t have his hat; so he was probably one of the worst Waldos around.
Group photo! Look at hatless Waldo on the end. I tried to convert him into a Screech instead, but Lil Grans would have none of it.
The huddled masses yearning to breathe free.
Turns out brilliantmistake isn’t the only jellyfish in town (although, she’s the only one that looks like a rastafarian jellyfish on ecstasy, but that’s neither here nor there). Here she is posing with jash and another jellyfish costume.
My new lady friend. I became fast friends with her posse.
Here we are hamming it up. BHFF (best Halloween friends forever, yo!).
Despite the pure joy of posing with the Hamburglar, jash starts to get cranky due to the oppressive crowd.
Two real life police officers. This picture came about when one of them yelled “Hey! Zack Morris!” Try to guess which one was the fan. Hint: it’s not the one SCOWLING AT THE CAMERA.
Sly encounters a roaming pack of Trekkies. Conveniently she slips to the back for the group photo.
jash at his WIT’S END. He departed soon after.
Me getting assaulted by a gaggle of Lady Cats.
Lil Grans with the green guy from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
Just when I was starting to feel just a tad self-conscious about my lack of abs, I turn around and find a giant gaggle of muscle men behind me. Did I mention I’m going to the gym RIGHT NOW?
If you think these gentlemen are vampires, you’d be wrong. They informed me that they were, in fact, “GLAMPIRES.” CLEARLY.
Lil Grans with a half-naked mummy thing. Note the smile.
This girl and I had an instant and intense mutual affection for each other. Damned if I know her name though.
My friend Aaron serves as yet another reminder that I should be doing a few more sittups at the gym. I’m telling you, Halloween can be very humbling.
I don’t even know what this was all about. Seems like an ineffective way to play football.
The castaways from Gilligan’s Island wait for sushi to arrive.
Mario and Luigi costumes were also all the rage this year, more so than in other years. Here’s a rare Luigi sans Mario. Props to the sidekick branching out!
Some guy dressed as Hines Ward, my favorite football player. I was very enthused.
A curvy cowboy assaults what appears to be a rather uncomfortable Michael Jackson.
Alice In Chains! I must admit though that when I first saw her, I called her “Dorothy In Chains” before I put two and two together. My rebus skills were thoroughly mocked.
Peter Pan group costume, etc.
I never met an Indian Chief that didn’t love Saved By The Bell.
These girls insisted that Lil Grans be in the picture, but I think it’s because they thought he was Screech. And he sort of matched them.
Hey, it’s sexy LaDainian Tomlinson! The similarities are striking.
Eventually, the night came to a close. We couldn’t find a cab for the life of us, but we did see this taxi drive by with someone’s costume dangling out.
Pointing and laughing ensued.
Amadeus suffers one last indignity at the hands of Salieri.
Overall, Halloween was a great time. The Zack Morris costume was a major hit and certainly my most successful getup of all time. I hadn’t garnered so much attention since 2003 when I dressed like a box of crackers, resulting in Bobby Trendy pinching my ass (a memory I should probably expunge). Fun times had by all…