In my continued attempt to be a minor consumer advocate, I have to call into question Covergirl and their bafflingly titled line of lip glosses, “Wet Slicks Fruit Spritzers,” a name that is neither easy, breezy, nor particularly beautiful. When I first heard of the brand, I was watching America’s Next Top Model as the lovely but dictionally-challenged Jaslene (she of the “I speak like a deaf person talking” voice) attempted to say the brand during one of her “My Life As A Covergirl” fiascos. I swear, I rewound my Tivo over twenty times, and I still had no idea what she was saying. Weshsprishfrishspritzer? The only word I could really hear was “Spritzer,” but that made no sense because who uses the word “SPRITZER” in youth culture? Nevertheless, I chalked it all up to Jaslene’s strange but lovable method of slurring consonants and vowels into a fine pastiche of phonetics and moved on.
However, during last night’s ANTM finale, the brand made a triumphant, equally tongue-twisting return. Turns out that Jaslene wasn’t the only one who couldn’t help but to butcher “Wet Slicks Fruit Spritzers.” Every finalist slurred the name — and for good reason. After finally reading what the word previously known as Weshsprishfrishspritzer was, I discovered that Covergirl had merely come up with one of the worst brand names ever. Not only is it hard to remember, it’s damn near impossible to say. Try to say it once quickly. Now try to say it twice. Total failure, yes? So I apologize, Jaslene, for thinking it was merely your inability to pronounce words clearly. You were put in an untenable situation by idiotic marketing execs who should be fired.
That being said, I’m not quite ready to put this whole ”Westshlickfruishshrptz” campaign behind us. I’d like to see just how mangled the brand name can be. That’s why I nominate perennial marble mouth Shannon Sharpe to be the next spokesman. One word: ”Wootslookafroogasprootzer.”