SURVIVOR PHOTOCAP: Those BASTARDS!!!!

Oh things just got REAL up in hurre. With Survivor: Nicaragua heading into its big finale on Sunday, it seemed inevitable that this season’s biggest lump, Dan, would be finally getting the heave-ho. And if not Dan, then Fabio (as much as it pains me to say that). However, this is Survivor, and nothing ever goes quite as planned, and Thursday’s penultimate episode proved that. I can assuredly say that going into the finale, there are now definitely people I’m rooting for, and those that I loathe. Too bad it took all season to get me fired up like this…

Here’s what happened: it was family time in Nicaragua, and as per the usual tradition, Jeff Probst let the remaining players spend some QT with their loved ones. Fabio was particularly emotional to see his mom, someone that he clearly has a very strong bond with. The poor guy was weeping out of control, transforming his normally high voice into something sounded akin to a dying mosquito. Nevertheless, the odds were good that he’d be spending the afternoon with his mother because he and Chase had made a deal at the top of the episode that they’d take each other on reward should either of them win. But this is Chase we’re talking about — one of the most waffly people to ever play Survivor. Let’s not forget last week when he blatantly screwed Sash out of a reward.

Well, why kill the streak? Chase won an afternoon with his mom and had the opportunity to take two other players and their loved ones with him. He selected Sash — to make up for last week’s strategical error — and then he selected Holly (this despite the promise to bring Fabio). It was so annoying to see Chase do this two weeks in a row that I didn’t even mind Fabio’s ensuing whining and crying about not getting to be with his mom. If anything, the display made me feel terrible for the guy (even if it did border on pitiful).

Also receiving a snub was Jane, who surely thought she deserved a spot over Sash or Holly. After all, at the end of the day, it was supposed to be Team NC. Chase was her boy from North Carolina, and that bond was to carry them to the end. Instead it just carried Jane to the land of paranoia, and for good reason. Sash, Chase, and Holly solidified their status a the final threesome, all agreeing that Jane would be impossible to beat.

Luckily for Jane, the target was on Fabio this week. Unluckily for Jane, Fabio won immunity. Now the threesome had to choose between Dan and Jane. Naturally Dan was next, but then fears of Jane walking away with the money crept into their heads. To be fair, it wasn’t an unjustified fear. In fact, they probably should have dropped Jane a long time ago. They hadn’t though, and now they were stuck with the untenable situation of having to cut one of their closest friends. Jane immediately sniffed this out and cornered Chase, Sash, and Holly. When the three were unable to give her a straight answer about if she were safe, she leveled them all with one of the scariest glares to ever appear on Survivor.

Chase, of course, absolved himself of any responsibility by deferring to the other two. He kept saying things like “Is that what y’all decided?” as if he had no say in the matter. Holly, meanwhile, just stared at the ground and philosophized about how difficult the game was. It was only Sash who mustered up enough balls to admit to Jane that they didn’t think they could beat her in the end. He was probably telling the truth, but being that this was Sash, the whole thing came out patronizingly with a patina of phoniness. Jane wasn’t having it. She stared off for a moment as the realization of her situation sunk in, and then she perfectly, casually flipped all three of them off with a passing scratch of her nose with her middle finger.

And so began the wrath of Jane, a lovely sequence of events that involved homicidal glares, gritty threats, and a wonderful, vengeful dousing of the campfire. Despite the soggy embers, Jane was certainly going down in flames.

But would she be?

During Tribal Council, Jeff — who amusingly broke out a strange old lady accent — managed to get Chase, Holly, and Sash to admit that Fabio and Dan would be picked off next. You’d think that would be enough to make Jane ally with her former enemies — heck, even Jeff implored them to do so — but it wasn’t meant to be. In the end, everyone voted off Jane, who in turn cast a symbolic vote as Sash (who was immune with his necklace that he played). I don’t really know why Jane, Fabio, and Dan didn’t force a tie with Holly, but I guess everyone feared Jane anyway. Or at least, they’re all just idiots. Yeah, that sounds about right…

Here’s the photocap:

“There’s my daughter. I can’t wait to introduce her to my fantastic, loyal, and reliable alliance!”

“The reward is a copy of Goodfellas?? Say it ain’t so!”

“Hey Dad, I found your shoes!”
“PROUDEST DAY OF MY LIFE!”

“Hey Chase, I just want to thank you for taking me on reward. I love being out here on the ocean, much as I am adrift in a sea of women in New York, on account of me being the biggest bachelor there is.”

“Yeah, we gotta finish this game up. See those birds back there? They been circling over my head for the past three days.”

“Hey all, I’m just gonna stay back here. I’ve decided to take this wooden shield to the final three.”

“Wow, I can’t see anything, much like when I get blinded by the dizzying array of attractive females in New York City. Women are the hottest.”

“Okay, guys. So we’re gonna get rid of Dan tonight, right? It better not be me! LOLOLOL!!”

“Ahem, well, um…”

“Excuse me?”

“Well, uh, is that– is that what you guys want?”

“I mean, is that what you all decided? I’m just going with what you guys say.”

“I mean… um…”

“Is she still staring at me?”

“What about you, Sash? Or should I call you pussyface?”

“This is a little uncomfortable.”

“I’ll be quiet now.”

“So y’all are just a bunch of assholes, huh?”

“Et tu, Holly?”

“Oh Gad. If this awkward conversation doesn’t end soon, I’m ganna have to steal someone’s shoes again.”

“So… you’re voting me out…”

“Fuck.”

“Where’s that CeeLo song when you need it?”

Jane: “I ought to just strangle Sash right now. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind. He likes it when things come from behind.”
Sash: “I heard that.”
“Shut up.”

“I started the fire, and I’ll finish it! Also, I peed in all your shoes. Well, except Dan’s. He don’t have none, HOLLY.”

“You know what would be smart? If the three of us forced a tie between Jane and Holly because we know that Jane will obviously win a fire-starting tie-breaker. Then we could have the majority and thus all the power.”
“Yeah. Or we could not do that.”
“Even better!”

“Wait, can I vote out Brenda again?”

Oh great. Just ANOTHER MASSIVELY FRUSTRATING TRIBAL COUNCIL.

What did you think about the episode? Was this a smart move by Chase and his alliance? Should Fabio and Dan have forced the tie? And who are you rooting for on Sunday?