REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA PHOTOCAP: Kim Zolciak Defies Death By Laser

Things were a little bonkers on The Real Housewives of Atlanta last night. First and foremost we had Kim Zolciak, who continues to be the laziest woman alive… and proud of it. I don’t know if that’s a virtue or a flaw, but I’m leaning towards the latter. In this latest installment of KimberLEIGH’s reasons why not, we saw the aspiring singer attempt some rudimentary choreography for her upcoming tour with Kandi. Even though the footwork looked about as complex as a Sudoku puzzle with only two empty squares, Kim still seemed puzzled by it. This, despite her claims that she’s had sixteen years of dance experience. I’m not sure gyrating your hips in front of a Slurpee machine counts as dance experience, but hey, to each his own.

Anyway, despite Kim’s extensive hoofing pedigree, she simply could not master the choreography set out for her. Maybe that’s also because she spent most of her time checking her cell phone and — let’s face it — probably daydreaming about Chicken McNuggets (no judgment — I do that, like, all the time). Ultimately, Kim rejected the entire dance experience, saying that at the end of the day, she just had to do things Kim style, which evidently involves exerting the least amount of energy possible.

Enter Kim’s magical laser machine. Because she’s simply too lazy to even step a foot inside a gym, Kim instead had some crazy laser contraption (no doubt certified by Dr. Tiy-E Mohamed) brought into her house with hopes that it would burn the fat off her body. The science was simple: a low grade laser would break down the walls of the fat cells, causing the fat to spill out and get flushed out of the body. Sounds perfectly legit!

Well, Kim happily threw herself under the lasers, which looked not unlike some discarded prop from a 1950s era sci-fi film. For her sake, I hope the lasers worked, but who would really know because whatever fat they expunged from her system (ie. none) was happily reintroduced when Kim eagerly chomped down on some pizza. And no, this wasn’t after the laser procedure. Kim actually stuffed her face DURING the happy fun laser time. Not what I call an efficient way to shed the pounds.

The good thing with Kim is that she doesn’t seem to take herself very seriously. Even she seems to know she’s absolutely ridiculous. The same can’t be said for Phaedra, who still views herself as intelligent and articulate (despite a serious lack of evidence to support either argument — if we must speak legally). Idiocy loves company, and thus we have Dwight, who surfaced last night wearing a top hat and an ensemble that must have been purchased on clearance from Dandies ‘R’ Us. The man’s face is looking tighter than ever, and if I didn’t know better, I’d think he’d spent a large portion of the mid-nineties submitting himself to Crypt Keeper look-alike contests.

Anyway, Dwight of course came bearing gifts: specifically the gift of gossip. He told Phaedra that Kim and Cynthia had called the baby an alien baby, which technically was true, but it was actually a joke not at the baby’s expense but at the notion that it was going to stay in Phaedra’s uterus for ten months. The point is that Dwight took the comment way out of context and was all too thrilled to run back to Phaedra to stir the pot.

Understandably, Phaedra was upset, and in between regaling us with her usual “Mmmhmmm’s”, she managed to find time to confront Cynthia about the whole mess. Cynthia did not bat an eye and simply rejected the accusation, calmly telling Phaedra to check her sources. Cynthia had enough crap to deal with, what with Nene and Peter fighting. Don’t worry though — the two squashed their beef. This meant that Cynthia’s friendship with Nene could get back on solid footing, and what better way to do that than by making Nene sign a “friend contract.” The women tried to have us believe that this was a Single White Female situation going on, but I just thought it was silly.

Meanwhile, when it came to the silliest of all, we had She By Sherayay, who was about to make her big acting debut with some production called… called… oh who remembers what it was called. Something about Mr. No Child Support or whatever. Anyway, this important dramatic work took place in the finest high school gymnasium of the land, and from what we could tell, it was utterly enthralling. And by “enthralling” I mean positively painful. Cynthia, Peter, Phaedra, and Nene looked bored out of their minds, and worse yet, Shereé only had one meager scene apparently. I’ve been there before: not fun.

Poor Shereé, however, seems to think she’s on the road to the Oscars now that she’s been signed with a lil’ agency called The People Store (again, I might be incorrect on the name). No offense to Shereé, but this is hardly a major get. And are we to believe she doesn’t already have representation, given this is her third season on a Bravo show? I suppose we can look beyond that. Here’s to hoping we’ll be seeing Sherayay tackling Tennessee Williams very, very soon.

“Aaaand EMOTE!”

“You know, I’m repped by an agency now. They’re gonna book me on all the finest Bait & Tackle commercials in the entire northwest Atlanta region!”

Kim: “Hey, so instead of all this dancing, how about I just sit on stage and eat pizza?”
“Um…”
“Brielle! BRIELLE!!! Bring momma her choreography! With extra cheese!!! BRIELLE!!!”

“I hope my hat looks right. It is just so very important that I give this baby it’s first childhood trauma.”

“Who say my baby is an alien? He a beautiful, Asian child. And Asia, as we know, is the Southwest region of Idaho, a state famous for its Fabergé Eggs, which, as we all know, come from the Fabergé bird. Mmmmhmmmm.”

“Phaedra, I just ordered you thirty-five pounds of corn. You can eat that all, right?”

Sherayay: “Lasers? That burn fat? I’m sorry, I only work with licensed users of the Laser by Laseré technology.”
Kim: “Will there be Chick-Fil-A?”

Kim: “Ooooh, I just came up with a new song idea: ‘We Zap Off All The Fat Off!'”
Sherayay: “You just rhymed ‘off’ with ‘off.’ And it’s redundant.”
“Redund-wha?”
“You say ‘off’ twice. You only need to say it once.”
“But what about the rhyme?”
“Well, it’s a lazy rhyme.”
“How about ‘The Laser Ain’t No Taser’?”
“For your next song?”
“Yeah. It would go like this ‘Ooo-waa-oo-wa-oo-wa you tried to shoot me with your love gun / but you didn’t have one / it was just a laser / and guess what? Ooo-wa-ooo-waaa-ooo-waaaa the laser ain’t no taser whoa whoa whoa.'”

“These lasers are making me hungry. Can I eat them? No? Okay.”

“Hey Momma, your pizza’s here.”
Kim: “Brielle! BRIELLE!! WHERE’S MOMMA’S GARLIC KNOTS?? BRIELLE!!!!”
“You didn’t ask for them!”
“Don’t you know I always want garlic knots with all my meals?”
“Yes.”
“And didn’t you see me eating garlic knots with my corn flakes this morning?”
“Yes.”
“So where my garlic knots now?”
“I’m sorry. I must’ve forgotten.”
“Forgotten my ass. And why does this pizza box taste so bad?”
“It’s cardboard. You’re not supposed to eat that.”
“You don’t tell me what to eat, Brielle. Now find me a feather duster to chew on. Go on! GIT!”

“I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself, but fingers crossed, I might be an extra in a muffler commercial!”

“You want my honest opinion about your acting, Shereé?”
“Yes.”
“Well, let’s put it this way. AJ can emote better than you, and he dead.”

“Red leather yellow leather. Red leather yellow leather. Ca-CAW! Ca-CAW!! EEEEooooooweeeee. Eeeeeooooooweeee….”
Stage manager: “Great work with the vocal warmups!”
“Who said I was doing vocal warmups?”

Nene: “What the hell is this shit we’re watching?”
Cynthia: “Omg I hate it too. BESTIES!!!!!”
“You need to chill, girl.”

“Did you like my performance? I mean, it was five lines, but somehow I pulled it off!”

“She made me sign a friend contract. Have you ever heard of anything that crazy?”
Kim: “Well, I did submit myself to fat-burning lasers. And then I ate pizza during it.”
“Okay, never mind.”

“To be fair, I’ve always wanted to have a friend contract with you, Kim, but I’m still not sure you’d be able to comprehend the big words like ‘comprehend.'”

What did you think about the show?