BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: Tears of a Bro

You guys, Big Brother 16 is so good. It’s only been a week and change, but we already have an evil alliance (The Bomb Squad) with a douchey leader (Devin) and perhaps mentally unstable sidekick (Caleb). Or is it the other way around? Either way, all seasons with great villains usually lead to wonderful drama, and what’s even better for us is that we have an unlikely trio of heroes in our midst too. That would be Christine, Nicole, and Hayden — three goofballs who joined forces with so much nervous laughter that I couldn’t help chuckling along on my couch. These are my people.

Heroes? Villains? What more can we ask for? I guess some drama. But guess what? We have that too!

Good ol’ Devin had a crisis of conscious on Sunday’s episode as he realized that Donny might not have been the Navy SEAL he had suspected him to be. I’m not sure if it was the spindly arms or general lack of physical fitness, but something must have tipped Dev-Dev off. Well, for reasons too complicated to describe (and no, it wasn’t just because he saw a picture of his baby girl), Devin called a house meeting and tearfully explained to the house that he was through passing judgment, and that from now on he was going to play with integrity and honor. It was all lovey-dovey and sweet — at least to Devin — until Brittany had the gall to see through Devin’s game.

You see, Devin said that because of his paranoia and poor moral character that he had coerced Caleb into nominating Donny and Pow-Pow (or is it Pao-Pao?) last week. One problem though: Caleb had claimed that his nominations were based solely on who fell off the HOH competition phallus first. Someone was lying, and Brittany happily pointed this out after the house meeting.

Of course, word of this got back to Devin, and he was none too pleased. Never mind the fact that the Britster had been leaving her hand lotion all over THE DAMN PLACE, GIRL. What is this? A Kiehls warehouse? HAVE SOME RESPECT.

Nevertheless, Devin ultimately nominated Brittany, stating that he wanted to play with integrity and didn’t like having someone who scoffed at his emotional confession. Of course, she had merely pointed out how LITTLE integrity Devin had shown, but I guess that kind of goes against the new and improved Moral Devin™; so the bitch has to go!

Meanwhile, Amber — when not on the receiving end of Caleb’s leering eyes — nominated Hayden and Nicole (HOW DARE SHE), saying that there weren’t many options for her. Lady, there are fifteen people in the house. You have plenty of options. I was sincerely hoping a non-Bomb Squad member would pick up on this curious excuse, but alas, Amber managed to slip through the nomination ceremony without arousing any suspicions (at least as far as we could tell on the televised show).

In the end though, Nicole and Hayden earned themselves immunity by winning the Battle of the Block competition (thanks also in part to Pow-Pow throwing it at Devin’s urging). Personally, I enjoy this Battle of the Block situation, if only because it adds a bit more excitement to the Sunday show. Even without it though, this would have been a fine episode. There are enough showmances and schoolboy crushes to fill an entire secret diary with — and of course we can’t overlook Zrankie or Zankie or whatever it’s being called. This, of course, is the adorable and unlikely bromance / romance between Zach and Frankie, who began the season on a cantankerous note and have somehow wound up as nonsexual boyfriends. Basically, it’s like the human version of a Youtube video where a dog and a cat get along.

As for Frankie, I’m happy to say he has proved me wrong. After having burst into the season with a nails-on-chalkboard, precious drama club persona, he has settled into a generally likable and sharp player. But Christine still remains the one I like the most.

Eh, who cares what I think? Here’s the photocap!

Frankie: “Whew! I just got the dizzies! Thank God you’re a load-bearing douche.”

Devin: “Hey guys, come upstairs and check out my H-BRO-H room! Get it, bro? Get it?”

“Hey bros, check out my baby girl. I named her ‘BRO.’ She’s pretty cool. I think she’s ex-military.”

“Aw, my momma used my favorite card stock.”

“That’s so funny. That’s my favorite card stock too!”

“My momma’s so sweet.”

“No, YOU’RE sweet.”

“What was that?”

“Nothing. Just sitting silently over here… unless… did you want me to say something?”

“No thanks.”

“Yeah. I hate saying things. Like… who says things?”

“People, I guess.”

“Yeah….”

“I love you.”

“What?”

“I mean… I love EWES. Because I’m a rancher. And my favorite animal is a ewe.”

“But I also love you.”

“Caleb, you’re being creepy.”

“‘So I creep, yeahhhh. Just keep it on the down low…’ TLC? Anyone?”

“I’ll be your T-Bozz. You can be my Left-Eye.”

“No.”

“Hey bro, I just want you to know that I thought you were in the military, and I dragged your name and reputation through the dirt, and for that I’m sorry. Please let my charisma and charm be of solace to you.”

“Wow. Yer dumber than the mop I used to clean Kellie Pickler’s toilet.”

“I want to play this game with integrity, and if that means I have to put ho’s before bros, so be it. But seriously, bro, that won’t happen.”

“Listen, bros, this is a new Bomb Squad. It’s just the eight of us plus this towel, my water bottle, and this thing I’m straddling in my crotch.”

“Isn’t Silver Chair the best?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking a-boat, bwat it sounds kind of cool.”

“It’s super cool. Hey, does this count as a date?”

“I dunno. You’re weird.”

“You’re weird.”

“Yeah, that’s true.”

“I think we just went to third base.”

“Ya.”

Christine: “Is it me, or is everyone else in this house taking this game WAY too seriously!”
Hayden: “Haha. I know. Wait, what game? I thought this was my new home.”

“I really miss having someone to cuddle with. You know, someone who can curl up with me and watch as I write racial epithets about our President on Instagram.”

“Bro, I’ll cuddle up with you. Should we bring the comforter into the Bomb Squad though?”

“Hey, you know what would be awesome? Following Amber around the house silently.”

“Wait a second… did this room used to be a military outpost?”

Brittany: “Hey thanks for finding my hand lotion.”
Devin: “Yeah, whatever. I mean, who leaves hand lotion around? We’re all supposed to be living together. You have to have respect, bro. Not cool. Also, I used it to jerk off this morning; so you know, there’s that too.”

“I nominated you, Brittany, because I poured out my heart, and you questioned my integrity… by pointing out how I forced Caleb to lie about his nominations. And so even though technically it’s me who showed little integrity, it’s you who showed less integrity by not crying with me. Also, if someone could explain what ‘integrity’ means, that would be great.”

Frankie: “Okay, Zach. It’s been three hours. I think it’s time for you to get off.”

“I guess I can throw the comp for Devin. It’ll be difficult though since I’m such a GREAT COMPETITOR.”

Devin: “Yo yo, meet my new alliance, bro: Fruit of the DOOM.”

What did you think about the episode?