REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS: Cocky Gestures

There are two new women — not official housewives, mind you — on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and already they’re making waves. Last week, we met Brandi Glanville, who I thought would be a bitch on crutches, but I have to say she’s not the worst. Sure, she’s a bit rough around the edges, and sure, she certainly seems quite jaded from her fiasco of a marriage to Eddie Cibrian, but all in all, we haven’t really seen her do anything terribly horrific aside from a lightly obnoxious comment here and there — nothing worse than what any of the other women say on a day to day basis. However, if you were to ask the other ladies, Brandi is a whore slut bitch, who deserves to fall into a pit of fire and vipers. I guess we all have our different perspectives.

Brandi’s first major offense was that while at Adrienne’s random barbecue, she didn’t discipline her son for yanking down his pants and peeing in the grass. It was a fairly major oversight in the parenting department, but last time I checked, Kyle Richards wasn’t knocking Taylor for aggressively spoiling her daughter Madison with a $60,000 birthday party.

Anyway, Brandi’s biggest flub came when Camille Grammer joked about that the old adage that big feet correlate to big penis size. Camille kept it PG by saying “Big hands, big feet, big disappointment.” The women all tittered with laughter until Brandi for some reason — I think she was asked — clarified that Camille was referencing “COCK.”

BOOM.

Suddenly, these women all turned into Victorian society ladies and looked away in a flutter as if the largest social gaffe in the history of Beverly Hills had just been committed. I couldn’t tell if they were more surprised that Brandi had uttered the word or that Camille’s had been referencing such a bawdy thing. Part of me believed that maybe Taylor thought “Big hands, big feet, big disappointment” was merely an allusion to glove and shoe woes.

Nevertheless, the women were SCANDALIZED and began rolling their eyes, causing Brandi to defensively announce that she wasn’t a slut. It was a weird train of thought, and basically it all spiraled downhill.

Meanwhile, newbie Dana somehow managed to curry the favor of the other women despite being hideous in every way. Actually, I found her conversational style to be someone enjoyable in that she seemed to laugh a lot. The only problem was that she also tended to brag a lot too — about idiotic things no less. First she claimed that her son could read at age one. Then she revealed that he could speak Thai too. And then she showed up at the BBQ wearing $25,000 sunglasses. You know how much mine cost? $3.40 at Forever 21 (they sell men’s sunglasses — for real).

Anyway, despite saying umpteen idiotic things, the women merely laughed off Dana’s excesses. It makes sense though. She’ll always curry more favor than Brandi because a) she’s richer, and b) she’s less attractive. Let’s not kid ourselves.

As for the rest of the cast, Camille really only popped up to make her big hands, big feet comment. Lisa idled away time chatting about the Royal Wedding on HLN. And Kim reminisced about her kids before delivering yet another crazytown phone call — quickly becoming my favorite feature of every episode. She could literally have a spin-off where people simply dial her up and listen to her incoherent monologues.

Anyway, here’s the photocap:

Kyle: “Don’t mind my friend Taylor here. She just got her entire face botoxed.”
Taylor: [drooling]

“So, Dana. Tell me about your son. Is he walking yet?”

“Hahaha, oh my God, my son is AWESOME. He, like, speaks Thai. And reads.”

“Does he read Thai?”

“He is AWESOME at reading Thai! Like, the other night, I showed him a menu to my favorite Thai place and told him to pick out his favorite dish. He totally said ‘Pad Thai!'”

“Are you sure he didn’t just say ‘baa baaai’?”

“Hahaha, that is AWESOME that you speak Thai too! Just like my son! He also said, ‘panang curry.’ Like, he may have to go to MIT at 5. Real talk.”

“Is it possible that he didn’t say ‘panang curry’ but actually ‘pang pang gurrrry?'”

“Hahahahaha why are you so good at speaking Thai too??”

Brandi: “Long story short, I hate men.”

“Someone splooged sequins on my chest.”

“I don’t know why everyone thinks I’m a drunk. It’s not like a keep a bottle of booze in every corner of the house. Oh wait…”

“THIS is a picture. I took it. It’s, like, I had the camera, and I aimed it at Kimberly, and then she was, like, ‘Mom!’ and I was like ‘Kimberly!’ and then she said ‘I’m a star!’ and I was all ‘But I was a star first!’ because it’s like when you’re having bagels, and you just want to be, like, why doesn’t anyone want to be with me? And I’m all ‘Where can I buy a robot?’ and people are all, ‘No butterscotch for you!’ I… I don’t know.”

“I don’t know who this girl in this picture is. Who is this? Hello? Picture, are you there? Who are you? Oh, it’s my daughter Kimberly. KIMBERLY! I’m sorry, I got confused. The power went out, and I didn’t wash my hair, and I’m so sorry. I… I don’t know. I… I get nervous.”

Kyle: “Don’t mind me. I’m just hiding my lady boner.”

Dana: “Do you like my sunglasses? They’re $25,000. Yeah. My son ordered them from a Thai department store. He assured me they were VERY expensive.”

“Mum, is it bad that I have sexual fantasies about you?”

“Oh, Dr. Drew, how lovely to meet you. Would you be a darling and get your Twitter followers to follow me?”
“No.”

Adrienne: “Well, everyone, turns out Kim isn’t coming. There goes the comedy portion of the night.”

“Hey, Kim?”
“Who is this?”
“Kyle.”
“Who?”
“KYLE.”
“I don’t have time for this.”
“THIS IS KYLE.”
“Kyle Chandler? I love you in that show… the one with the… I don’t know… my power went out. I can’t watch TV. I’m so sorry Kyle. I… I need to wash my hair.”
“KIM, it’s your sister KYLE.”
“I don’t have a sister named Tyler.”
“KYLE.”
“Oh, Kyle! Why didn’t you say so?”
“I did.”
“You did what?”
“I did tell you my name.”
“Why did you do that?”
“Because you didn’t recognize me.”
“Of course I did. You’re my sister. But the power went off, and my hair… I don’t know… I’m really sorry. I don’t think I can… I don’t know. I’m really sorry.”
“What are you apologizing for?”
“Wait, who is this?”

“I wouldn’t say that I’m jaded from my divorce, but Dana, your fiancé is cheating on you right now and at all times. KNOW THAT.”

Camille: “I wonder if anyone can tell I just quietly passed gas.”
Adrienne: “I noticed.”

“Oh my God. For the record, BRANDI, my husband is not cheating on me. He’s tending to his sick mother. And for the record, why would ANYONE cheat on me? I’m a total catch. That’s what everyone tells me. And by ‘everyone,’ I mean me. And my son. Who tells me in Thai.”

Dana: “You’re a little sad, aren’t you Taylor. Doesn’t take a genius Thai-talkin’ baby to figure that out.”
“Hahahaha. WHERE’S MY MAKEUP BAG?”

Kyle: “I can’t believe Brandi just said ‘cock.'”
Taylor: “I can’t believe I don’t know what it means!”

Brandi: “Are you guys seriously shocked that I used the word ‘cock?'”
Adrienne: “Nah. They’re just offended that you’re prettier than they are.”

“Look: I’m a tuna!”

Paul: “Well, ladies. Who’s the sexiest husband now?”

What did you think about the episode?