It’s the homestretch people, and after last night’s eviction episode of Big Brother, one of the two remaining men would be going home. Oh I just KEED. Shelly is not a man. But I’m not entirely convinced she’s a woman. At the very least, I know she could kick my ass (unless said ass-kicking required some sort of competitive element — then all bets would be off). Anyway, it was down to The Shellster and Adam (who?), and while I thought this would be a rather straightforward outcome, it turns out that I wasn’t totally correct…
CBS did a pretty solid job of making me think that maybe, just maybe, Shelly might hang around. She kissed crazy amounts of ass, enough to make me think that she had more of a shot than I had ever previously considered. I still thought she was going home, but then when Kalia voted to evict Adam, I thought that perhaps something strange was afoot. Were we about to see the most epic comeback of all time?
Not really. Rachel and Jordan both voted out Shelly, but not without some seriously doubts. We could see that they were very close to giving Adam the boot, which I would have loved. Then we would have had a seriously interesting final five.
But alas, Shelly got the boot, despite an amusingly huge Hail Mary move of groveling to the vets and shamelessly isolating herself from Porsche and Kalia. It was kind of amazing, especially Kalia’s look of shock as she sat like chopped liver facing Shelly’s posterior.
Shelly definitely overplayed her cards, and she certainly tread the line between schemer and snake, but I gotta hand it to her: she left in a classy, humble way. Her exit interview with Julie was all smiles and admissions of guilt, which is really all we want from these people when they leave the house. I’ll be fascinated to see her entrance into the jury house.
Speaking of which, we got our first glimpses into said jury house. Here’s the update: Brendon has apparently been spending his time picking oranges and making juice. We not only saw him taking on this endeavor cheerily, but when Daniele marched into the house, he immediately suggested that they get started on some juice-making. Dani was more or less all smiles — she seemed to be taking her loss well; however, when Jeff entered the house soon on her heels, she became the obnoxious Donato we had forgotten about. She full on gloated in Jeff’s face as he detailed his dramatic fall from power, and while Dani may have been thrilled with this outcome, it was pretty classless to kick it back in Big Jeff’s face, especially when he was already so down.
That being said, I did have some morbid fascination in wondering how Jeff would react to his clown shoe mishap. In case you forgot, he lost a pivotal veto competition because he couldn’t find a second clown shoe in a pile of balls. The cruel twist for Jeff, however, was that he had accidentally knocked his missing shoe out of his ball pit, and so it sat there unattended while he scrambled in vain. Jeff was clearly unhappy seeing this all on tape, and the poor guy is probably going to spend many months rueing the day he ever attacked his ball pit so aggressively. Oh well.
Meanwhile, watching the chipper Brendon smile and make little jokes in the jury house made me realize that both and he and Rachel are about ten times more likable when they are separated from each other. Oh well.
Back in the Big Brother house, we were left with a Head of Household competition that had players racing through goo to collect plastic donuts. We didn’t get to see the end of this event, but given that Rachel seemed to be smoking everyone, there wasn’t much doubt as to how it would play out. I don’t mean to toot the conspiracy horn again, but given that Rachel and Jordan had to compete in a physical challenge again against two overweight people, I can’t help but think this may have been selected to give the Vets an advantage. Who knows….
“Good evening. I’m Julie Chen, and I’m a bottle of ketchup.”
Jordan: “I can’t believe we’re both safe. I thought we were going home. Home makes me think of my bed. And my bed makes me think of my blanket. And that keeps me warm. It’s like being next to a fire. And that makes me think of flames. And that’s like candles. And I like scented candles, but some of them smell really bad. That makes me think of nasty fumes. And that reminds me of exhaust from a bus. And that makes me think of air pollution. And omg! I BET OBAMA JUST WITHDREW AN EPA REGULATION THAT WOULD LIMIT INDUSTRIAL SMOG EMISSIONS!!!!”
“Hey, I’ve been here three hours already. Just give me a special power already, BRO.”
“MARY! ST. JOSEPH!!! It’s LOCCCKKKED!!!!”
“I swear on this coffeecup that I will be with you 100%, BRO.”
“RECLINERS GRAB YOUR LAP PILLOWS!”
“I love the way my fingers taste: like kielbasa, aftershave, and football, BRO.”
Kalia: “This week’s been great, except for this one over here opening Pandora’s Box.”
Porsche: “I thought there was popcorn inside.”
“I’m so happy picking oranges I could practically hug this tree. Literally.”
“I never really saw myself as an environmentalist, but then I found out about this whole tree-hugging business…”
“I’m likable now!”
“I know this may be awkward, Daniele, but… I just made you some orange juice and… well… can I have a hug?”
“Oh gash. The clown shoe! How stupid can I be? I feel like Tootie the time she left the hot tub running upstairs and destroyed Richard Moll’s house in Malibu.”
“That clown shoe cost me $500,000. Unbelievable. The only thing crazier would be if the headmaster HIMSELF of Hogwarts was gay! Ha, but that’s crazy.”
Daniele: “Isn’t this GREAT the way things worked out?”
Jeff: “I’m going to punch you in the face.”
“Julie, now that we’re speaking privately, I’d like to tell you that I figured out the big twist: this house is being monitored by TV CAMERAS!!!!”
“Hey, I just want to say hello to the greatest alliance of all: Josie and–“
Julie: “WE GET IT.”
“I guess I’m not important to Shelly. We’ll see if SHE gets invited to my next LEGENDS BALL.”
“I don’t want to go home. There’s so much more I want to do: sit around, smoke some cigarettes, sit around some more.”
“Hey, it’s been real. See you on the other side, BRO.”
Fish 1: “Oh snap! Look who’s going home! Blondie!”
Fish 2: “Awww. I’m gonna miss that dude.”
“I can’t wait to hop into my Subaru, crank up the KD Lang, and drive home to my true alliance: Josi–“
Chenbot: “ENOUGH.”
“Ain’t no MAN getting between me and MY MAN!”
“STICKY PEOPLE GRAB YOUR INEDIBLE DONUTS!!”
“Ain’t no problem for me! This is what Brendon and I do every night!”
What did you think about the results? Should the Vets have axed Shelly? And who do we think is going to win this thing?
No comment on her pathetic attempt to buy her vote with a fake ring! LAME!
Shelly is lucky she got such a favorable TV edit. She was mean, and was part of the mean girl alliance with Dani, Kalia and Porsche. She lied constantly, even when it had nothing to do with the game. She said hateful things about people’s backgrounds, lives etc.
She stole Rachel’s prized possession in the house, and threatened to destroy it. Even after Rachel pleaded with her, she denied having it. When there was concern that Rachel could be pregnant, since she missed her period, they laughed about her falling down the stairs and having an abortion. Porsche even mentioned throwing a pill bottle at her stomach. All this because Rachel told Jordan that Shelly tried to make a final 3 deal with her and Brendon. Which, was true by the way, but Shelly swears even now, never happened. She used her family as a way to manipulate other players, and if she hadn’t turned on Jeff, might have skated till the end.
I agree and the Rachel bashing was constant. Shelly found that bashing Rachel got her in good with Dani, Porshe and Khalia so that is all they did all the time it was really bad, beyond bad straight to horrible.
You really think Shelly got a favourable edit? Personally, I think she got shafted into the villain role all season long – it was pretty clear the editors made fun of her every step along the way. I mean, the stuffed dog thing, fair enough, was pretty heinous, but for the most part all of her lying and bitching was strategic, not personal, so I guess I didn’t mind it as much. I’m more surprised that Porsche and Fauxprah have gotten such bland edits since they’ve been a non-stop bitchapalooza for the last few weeks. Things like Porsche’s hoping for a challenge to throw a medicine ball at Rachel’s stomach to save her $400 on an abortion show more about her (lack of) character than Shelly’s game-based lies say about hers. Plus, it would have given the show some more clearly defined villains which always helps make a great season.
I couldn’t have put it better. Shelly is lucky the majority of America didn’t get to see how disgusting she really is. Game or not, there are somethings that just should not have been said or done.
I absolutely agree … Shelly is lucky that she got such a good edit compared to all of her horrible non-game related behind-the-back bashing, lying, stealing, etc. And anyone who says she wasn’t right in the thick of the vile joking about killing fetuses, calling people names, etc. need to go back and rematch flashbacks of the feeds. I could not believe how terribly she behaved, especially following the double eviction. I say good riddance to her.
It’s a GAME. If this had been a 3-month round of poker and Shelly had lied, bluffed and distracted the other players, we’d all LOVE her. But, because she also cooked for, cleaned up after and consoled everyone else in her midst, we hate her? Get over it. Shelly was an awesome player.
HA! Love the fish comment. Great as always
LOL Brendon “I’m likable now.”
“MARY! ST. JOSEPH!!! It’s LOCCCKKKED!!!!” HAHAHHAHA!
I loved that!!! LOL
Mary St Joseph….LOL. I have been wondering what Renny has been up to…
That made this whole horrible season kind of worth it!
I’m glad you put in a pic of the fish. I saw it during one of the other live shows too and I finally felt like I knew what the rest of the feed-watchers were talking about when they say they’re back to fish again.
The only thing that makes Kalia likable was her farting during that one HOH competition and your pics with the captions about her friend John Travooolllllltaaaa and “you get a car and you get a car and YOU get a car.” Otherwise, I enjoy seeing the fish more…
Hahah!! The fish comment was so hilarious! So pathetic!
SO many funnies in this one! TYVM!! 🙂
Great Photocap Bro, you totally rock, as always!!!!
The Quaff: Jury House Edition, by Booki
Not only are they pretty likeable when separated, but Brendan and Rachel have both been looking pretty hot recently. The ugliness of their relationship must manifest itself physically.
Brendan and Jeff are both looking pretty h.o.t.t. on the couch there, all muscley arms folded and stubble-faced. That needs to be me there between them!
Jordan “I never disrespect… my elders. I’m just really disappointed.”
ShellyZiiiiiiiing.
hb
OMG – Can you just get a job Producing Big Brother next year? First order of business – getting Renny to voice the Fortune Teller this week. That’s JENIUS!
FUNNIEST recap yet…I LOST it at “Mary! St. Joseph!!!” LOL!!! I miss Renny! And umm, “BEEP BEEP!!! HOOOONK!!!” 😉
Love the recap, but cannot believe you didn’t include a screencap of Porsche sitting outside during the HOH competition surrounded by donuts! Too fitting.
Why the hell did Kalia vote to evict Adam instead of Shelly? Shelly’s speech was pretty shameless and showed how much she’s willing to lie like nobody’s business to get farther ahead…and basically said Kalia is worthless. I don’t get it.
I loved the outcome of this week!
Rachel and Jordan tricked Kalia into thinking they were voting out Adam. They knew that she was working with Adam so once she voted him out Adam would feel that Kalia wasn’t trustworthy. Diabolical!!!
Am I the only one that thinks Shelly looks like a SCARECROW? I’ve been waiting all season to see a photoshop pic of her as the Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz or at least hear someone else make this comparison.
B-Side- I’m disappointed that you didn’t mention the huge zit on the Chenbot’s face during the live show!!!
no, those are her boobs 😀
Probably a good thing Evel Dick left BB-13 when he did. He had to have emergency gallbladder surgery this past week. Imagine the shake-up that would have happened if he were still in the house right now!
Alt. caption to the jury house three-shot : BJ: “Dude, that Dumbledoor thing was a total ruse…I’m puttin out the pheromones and you are too!” Bren: “Dani, go make your own juice; I smell more than ‘hug’!”
I can’t wait for the re-cap. I NEVER thought I would think or feel this in a MILLION years, but I am so rooting for Rachel at this point in the game, despite her histrionics
and her being such a butt-rash. She is playing the game, and she is not irritating me as much of late. I love Jordan and Jeff, but Jordan has already won, and I think Rachel deserves to win, I would be fine with that.
HIlarious recap as usual!!
I’m shocking myself at rooting for Rachel. I adore Jordan and she has played a great social game but Rachel is the one who has had to fight socially AND win competitions. I think it will be Rachel and Adam in the final two and Rachel would get my vote with Jordan getting America’s Favorite.
P.S. Did anyone else see that Kalia actually BELIEVES she will be America’s favorite? Doubleyou. Tee. Eff??
YAY! MY FISH!!
I hope they win this season.
They’re very under-rated houseguests…
LOLOL @ the Fortune Teller caption, that was hilarious! And I totally agree with everyone saying that Porche and Kalia getting favorable edits. Porsche is disgusting, never showers, she’s almost as bad as Natalie from BB11 with her greasy hair and dirty track suits. I can’t stand her for what she did to Jordan earlier this season when she was on slop, she was putting laxatives in the muscle milk and her food to make her sick, and I can’t believe that BB let her get away with that crap. What a POS, for real!