It’s the homestretch people, and after last night’s eviction episode of Big Brother, one of the two remaining men would be going home. Oh I just KEED. Shelly is not a man. But I’m not entirely convinced she’s a woman. At the very least, I know she could kick my ass (unless said ass-kicking required some sort of competitive element — then all bets would be off). Anyway, it was down to The Shellster and Adam (who?), and while I thought this would be a rather straightforward outcome, it turns out that I wasn’t totally correct…
CBS did a pretty solid job of making me think that maybe, just maybe, Shelly might hang around. She kissed crazy amounts of ass, enough to make me think that she had more of a shot than I had ever previously considered. I still thought she was going home, but then when Kalia voted to evict Adam, I thought that perhaps something strange was afoot. Were we about to see the most epic comeback of all time?
Not really. Rachel and Jordan both voted out Shelly, but not without some seriously doubts. We could see that they were very close to giving Adam the boot, which I would have loved. Then we would have had a seriously interesting final five.
But alas, Shelly got the boot, despite an amusingly huge Hail Mary move of groveling to the vets and shamelessly isolating herself from Porsche and Kalia. It was kind of amazing, especially Kalia’s look of shock as she sat like chopped liver facing Shelly’s posterior.
Shelly definitely overplayed her cards, and she certainly tread the line between schemer and snake, but I gotta hand it to her: she left in a classy, humble way. Her exit interview with Julie was all smiles and admissions of guilt, which is really all we want from these people when they leave the house. I’ll be fascinated to see her entrance into the jury house.
Speaking of which, we got our first glimpses into said jury house. Here’s the update: Brendon has apparently been spending his time picking oranges and making juice. We not only saw him taking on this endeavor cheerily, but when Daniele marched into the house, he immediately suggested that they get started on some juice-making. Dani was more or less all smiles — she seemed to be taking her loss well; however, when Jeff entered the house soon on her heels, she became the obnoxious Donato we had forgotten about. She full on gloated in Jeff’s face as he detailed his dramatic fall from power, and while Dani may have been thrilled with this outcome, it was pretty classless to kick it back in Big Jeff’s face, especially when he was already so down.
That being said, I did have some morbid fascination in wondering how Jeff would react to his clown shoe mishap. In case you forgot, he lost a pivotal veto competition because he couldn’t find a second clown shoe in a pile of balls. The cruel twist for Jeff, however, was that he had accidentally knocked his missing shoe out of his ball pit, and so it sat there unattended while he scrambled in vain. Jeff was clearly unhappy seeing this all on tape, and the poor guy is probably going to spend many months rueing the day he ever attacked his ball pit so aggressively. Oh well.
Meanwhile, watching the chipper Brendon smile and make little jokes in the jury house made me realize that both and he and Rachel are about ten times more likable when they are separated from each other. Oh well.
Back in the Big Brother house, we were left with a Head of Household competition that had players racing through goo to collect plastic donuts. We didn’t get to see the end of this event, but given that Rachel seemed to be smoking everyone, there wasn’t much doubt as to how it would play out. I don’t mean to toot the conspiracy horn again, but given that Rachel and Jordan had to compete in a physical challenge again against two overweight people, I can’t help but think this may have been selected to give the Vets an advantage. Who knows….
“Good evening. I’m Julie Chen, and I’m a bottle of ketchup.”
Jordan: “I can’t believe we’re both safe. I thought we were going home. Home makes me think of my bed. And my bed makes me think of my blanket. And that keeps me warm. It’s like being next to a fire. And that makes me think of flames. And that’s like candles. And I like scented candles, but some of them smell really bad. That makes me think of nasty fumes. And that reminds me of exhaust from a bus. And that makes me think of air pollution. And omg! I BET OBAMA JUST WITHDREW AN EPA REGULATION THAT WOULD LIMIT INDUSTRIAL SMOG EMISSIONS!!!!”
“Hey, I’ve been here three hours already. Just give me a special power already, BRO.”
“MARY! ST. JOSEPH!!! It’s LOCCCKKKED!!!!”
“I swear on this coffeecup that I will be with you 100%, BRO.”
“RECLINERS GRAB YOUR LAP PILLOWS!”
“I love the way my fingers taste: like kielbasa, aftershave, and football, BRO.”
Kalia: “This week’s been great, except for this one over here opening Pandora’s Box.”
Porsche: “I thought there was popcorn inside.”
“I’m so happy picking oranges I could practically hug this tree. Literally.”
“I never really saw myself as an environmentalist, but then I found out about this whole tree-hugging business…”
“I’m likable now!”
“I know this may be awkward, Daniele, but… I just made you some orange juice and… well… can I have a hug?”
“Oh gash. The clown shoe! How stupid can I be? I feel like Tootie the time she left the hot tub running upstairs and destroyed Richard Moll’s house in Malibu.”
“That clown shoe cost me $500,000. Unbelievable. The only thing crazier would be if the headmaster HIMSELF of Hogwarts was gay! Ha, but that’s crazy.”
Daniele: “Isn’t this GREAT the way things worked out?”
Jeff: “I’m going to punch you in the face.”
“Julie, now that we’re speaking privately, I’d like to tell you that I figured out the big twist: this house is being monitored by TV CAMERAS!!!!”
“Hey, I just want to say hello to the greatest alliance of all: Josie and–“
Julie: “WE GET IT.”
“I guess I’m not important to Shelly. We’ll see if SHE gets invited to my next LEGENDS BALL.”
“I don’t want to go home. There’s so much more I want to do: sit around, smoke some cigarettes, sit around some more.”
“Hey, it’s been real. See you on the other side, BRO.”
Fish 1: “Oh snap! Look who’s going home! Blondie!”
Fish 2: “Awww. I’m gonna miss that dude.”
“I can’t wait to hop into my Subaru, crank up the KD Lang, and drive home to my true alliance: Josi–“
“Ain’t no MAN getting between me and MY MAN!”
“STICKY PEOPLE GRAB YOUR INEDIBLE DONUTS!!”
“Ain’t no problem for me! This is what Brendon and I do every night!”
What did you think about the results? Should the Vets have axed Shelly? And who do we think is going to win this thing?