Meet Your New ‘Big Brother’ Cast (Partially)

Summer is officially here, which means that it’s not only the season for fireworks and barbecues, but also my annual obsession: Big Brother!! After last year’s disaster of a season, I’m looking forward to the season getting back on track with some fireworks, some scheming, and some rampant hypocrisy. No more of this lame “Everyone sits around the house and goes with the status quo” crap.

So far CBS has revealed eight cast members. Why so few? Well, the twist this season is that notable “duos” from the past will return to play again. I’m not psyched on the twist, but it could work out well if the returning cast members chosen are interesting. According to a poll on CBS.com though, they’re not. I mean, Natalie and Jesse are an option. We’ll get to that later.

For now, let’s look at the newbies and make some superficial judgments and observations based on minimal data!

Adam Poch

Meet Adam. At 39, he clearly is the “elder” of the house (shame on CBS for not realizing the joy that comes from truly older folk. See: Renny). Based on his photo, Adam is the type that can either be really awesome or really awful. I already despise his pubic hair beard as it looks like it probably becomes a second home to flakes of tuna and ranch dressing. Plus, Adam’s shirt suggests he may never have moved past the era of Swingers. Seriously, I see a bowling shirt, and I want to cringe.

Here’s the upside. Adam hates Cappy, Ivette, and “that whole Nerd Herd.” The downside: he loves Evel [sic] Dick. Ugh. Plus, he’s a music nerd, which means we’ll probably be stuck listening to him opine about long lost musicians of 1978 for hours on end. He does fear large barking dogs though, and that is sort of endearing. And he says that if he were to win Big Brother, he would be sure to remember those who were there for him pre-fame. We’ll see how that goes…

Cassi Colvin

Looking not unlike Olivia Wilde, we have Cassi, a model who describes herself as “stubborn” (a.k.a. bitchy), “sincere” (a.k.a. emotional), and “funny” (a.k.a. humorless). Cassi is a girl full of ambition, who says her favorite thing is to “sit around.” She elaborates that when sitting around, she prefers to do it “outside and with men” (WHORE). Actually, all that really tells us is that she doesn’t have many girl friends, which means that she is probably a major bitch, which means yay, there will be friction this season!

Cassi earns bonus points for liking beer (although she’ll lose those bonus points if she boasts that she’s just one of the guys). She also claims that she’ll be sweet and kind to everyone in the house, which means she will certainly get into three cat fights in the first two days. Plus, she says she plans to play the game by staying neutral and flying under the radar, which seems at odds with her life’s motto of “go hard or not at all.” I suppose consistency isn’t Cassi’s strong point. Nevertheless, if she were to become famous from Big Brother she notes that she would “absolutely exploit it to the fullest.” Pre-order your sex-tape now!!

Dominic Briones

I think I like Dominic, mostly because his greatest fear is getting an STD, and as a fellow hypochondriac, I can identify with that. Dominic is a self-professed “speed freak,” which pertains more to motorbikes than drugs (we hope). His profile is generally affable — he likes Jeff Schroeder, hates Jesse, enjoys dancing to JLo (resident gay?), and wants to be a good example to people should he become famous.

Dominic also looks rather earnest. When describing his strategy, he dips into the dogmatic realm: “Build trust, build alliances and make friends. Together we are strong, apart we fall.” Whoa. Also, he mentions his family a lot, which makes me think he might be the weepy guy. Hard to say. So far Dominic looks pretty good, but I can see him having potential for sucking. Then again, they all do. Isn’t that the beauty of the game?

Kalia Booker

Kalia’s profile starts off a bit worrisome but then improves drastically as it goes along. She describes herself as “dramatic, adventurous, and gregarious,” which means she will certainly be one of the big personalities of the season. And she seems to know it. When asked to describe her strategy, she says: “None. Everybody loves me! I’ll be there until the end.” Great.

But don’t take her words at face value. Kalia’s favorite Big Brother contestants are all known for their sneaky, scheming ways: Dr. Will, Crazy James, Janelle. Chances are Kalia will know how to turn people against each other, and if she does, she will have my heart. Plus, I like her sense of humor. When asked what she’ll do if she becomes famous, Kalia replies, “hang out with Lindsay Lohan or something.”

Keith Henderson

Ooooh, watch out for Keith. He’s handsome, and he knows it. A glimpse at his profile suggests that this is a guy who knows how to be the goody-two-shoes but is actually quite the player. He refers to people as human capital, which I guess is a result of his human resources background, but I think it’s just a showy way of saying, “Yes, I am a professional.” He also claims to have some sort of HR charm (two concepts I didn’t think were possible to pair), and boasts that he’ll get the women to love him and the men to be buds with him. I can actually see that, and clearly Keith definitely seems most likely to forge a Four Horsemen alliance or something equally daffy.

As much as Keith would like you to believe he is a professional, it’s easy to see that he simply wants to be famous. He’s already been on one reality competition before (Genuine Ken on Hulu, which he oddly lists as one of his proudest accomplishments), and he says that if he were to win Big Brother, he would use the money to “open doors for me to do more acting.” Groan. Also, he writes poetry. Double groan.

Lawon Exum

Haaaaaay! It’s Lawon! There’s nothing in his profile that explicitly says he’s the house gay, but between mentions of “gift of gab” and being “handsomefied,” he’s definitely leaning in that direction (note: I’m sure the profile video of Lawon will settle the debate, but I haven’t watched it yet). Anyway, Lawon Exum (which is not Latin gibberish) claims that he’s “‘Handsomexy’ (handsome and sexy, because I am inside and out) and clever.” Funny, I thought “handsomexy” and “clever” sort of canceled themselves out.

Nevertheless, Lawon spends most of his profile speaking about exercise, and how he lost fifty-four pounds years ago and has kept it off. Ugh. Be quiet. By the way, big ups to CBS for including not just one ethnic, but FOUR on this cast (Lawon, Keith, Kalia, and Dominic). Maybe next season we’ll even get someone older than forty!

Porsche Briggs

Bitch alert! Porsche looks like she’ll be this season’s bad seed. She calls herself “sexy, bitchy, and clever” and her strategy is to merely keep her blow-ups to a minimum. Her favorite player is (barf) Natalie Martinez, and her motto is “fear is stupid, so are regrets.” Porsche definitely seems like she’s ready to start shit. Either that or she’s all talk and just a delicate flower / VIP cocktail waitress. Either way, she looks like she’ll stir things up, and she seems perfectly ready to make boldface lies, which could be kind of awesome (as long as she doesn’t start believing her lies like Natalie).

Shelly Moore

Aww, mom! So it turns out that CBS did cast someone over forty, and her name is Shelly! Keith might be the human resources professional, but it’s Shelly who has what I call the “Human Resources Haircut,” which can also double as the quintessential Mom Haircut. Shelly is so midwest, I feel my insides turning to tuna casserole just looking at her. She loves playing with her family — specifically wall ball (the worst) and Super Mario (props to being pro-video games, but so MOM to call it just “Super Mario”). She also talks about riding bikes and scooters and blah blah blah. omg MOM shut up you’re embarrassing me!

Shelly also has this strange hobby of collecting junk mail and then mailing it all back to the sender. It’s one of those delightfully passive-aggressive activities that only a bored MOM would have time to do. Poor Shelly looks like she might get crushed in this game. She hates other people’s “filth” and speaks so much about her daughter and her daughter’s “daddy” (ugh, shut UP) that I can see her totally flummoxed by the immoral activities of those around her. Then again, she’ll probably last a while as she’ll make bonds with people in that MOM way. She can either be totally endearing or completely miserable.

What do you think of the new cast?