BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: Troubles for the Aaryn Nation

We’re only two evictions into season 15 of Big Brother, and already this shizz is off the CHAAAAY-UNNN. Sorry, I’ll never do that again. Seriously though — this show has been a blast this year. I can’t remember the last time I was racing to read the live feeds on Jokers Updates so voraciously or tuning in to Big Brother: After Dark. I am officially hooked. And I’m loving the direction everything is going in. But enough babble. Let’s get to the photocap!

In a surprise move, Julie Chen opens the show by singing a Cher medley.

“A professional rollerblader? I mean, seriously.”

“Good evening. I’m Julie Chen, and I skinned Gumby for this pantsuit.”

“Nominated? Not a problem! It’s not like I’m in any danger or anything.”

“Really? So I’m the only one who dressed up for Gypsy Bazaar night?”

“Helen, you’re someone I really look up to and admire.”

“Thanks. And you’re… who are you again?”

“Our chemistry is off the charts.”

“After the break, a special report on the Hitler Youth.”

McCrae: “Hahaha. I’m on TV.”

“Julie, it’s not that I’m desperate for a showmance or anything; so if you see me making out with Nick’s photo on the wall, just know that it’s purely a joke. JUST A JOKE. [nervous laughter]”

“I never forget the cameras are on me. I’m just an open person, and now America can see my true colors, which are mostly white. Pure, pristine WHITE.”

“Ohhhhh… so McCrae isn’t a secret genius? I’ve made a huge mistake…”

“Here we go again: the Asian lady is asking me another question. Doesn’t she realize I don’t speak fortune cookie???”

“So, Aaryn, I know you’re a huge idiot and everything, but I’ll try to explain this in a way that makes sense to you: when you say racist things, people get mad.”

“That’s the most obnoxious, annoying thing I’ve ever heard. Did some black person come up with that?”

“I mean, people make fun of me because I’m blonde, and that’s, like, the same exact thing. White, blonde girls are FAMOUSLY marginalized in society! We don’t even get our own separate water fountains away from the blacks!”

“People just assume I’m stupid based on the color of my hair. But the truth is I’m VERY stupid based on the things I say! No one listens!”

“UGH. I’m hardly racist. I listen to black music. I like the Supremes.”

“Like, Diana Ross?”

“Yeah. They’re pretty good. I’m such a fan. I guess you could call me a Supremacist.”

“I bet the blacks hate THAT too. ‘Look at Aaryn. She’s a white girl who likes the Supremes.’ Well, I’m sorry if I’m a white Supremacist. Get over it.”

“I’m not going to apologize when I haven’t done anything wrong. Racism is a myth anyway, perpetuated by the Afro-Americans, queers, and slanty-eyes. And don’t get me started about the Jews…”

“You’re really a moron, aren’t you?”

“Like, I’ve never even heard the word ‘moron,’ but I’ll just assume it means pretty; so… thanks, I guess. You don’t have to be such a lesbo though.”

“I don’t know whether to be offended or greatly entertained by this.”

Just sayin’.

“You guys, I really have to go to the bathroom.”

“Look at my handsome Nick up there on the block. Can’t wait to show him my breastesses and such.”

“Soooo… GinaMarie keeps staring at me, and it’s making me really nervous. If you could all vote me out of here, that would be great! Thanks!”

Jeremy: “Nick got evicted? This wasn’t in my smoke signals.”
Kaitlin: “Oh honey. Those weren’t smoke signals. It was an English muffin burning in the toaster.”

“WHYYY??? WHY DOES HE HAVE TO GO?? HE WAS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!!! WE ALMOST KISSED!! AND IF HE HADN’T RUN AWAY AND HID UNDER THE COUCH, HE WOULD HAVE LOVED ME TOO!!!!”

“Tell me, Nick… what do you think of my pantsuit?”

“Believe it or not, this is a winning look for a Staten Island beauty pageant.”

What did you think about the episode? Happy with the turn of events? And if you want to hear (very) extended commentary, check out The TV Clique: Big Brother — a new web show I do with Matt Whitfield (Yahoo.com) and Ronnie Karam (Trashtalktv.com):