RACHEL ZOE PHOTOCAP: Putting On A Fashion Zoe

Well, The Rachel Zoe Project is back, and I’m proud to report that the show still manages to cram absolutely nothing in the span of an hour. For the big season premiere, we watched Rachel obsess about orchids, obsess about bangs, obsess about Prabal Gurung, obsess about her androgynous child, obsess about figurative hats, and obsess about bangs some more. Along the way, she prepped for her first big fashion show — all while attending various events for Oscar De La Renta, Michael Kors, and Marchesa, the latter of whom she struggled to find in the hustle and bustle of Grand Central train station. This of course led to many panicked moments of “omg. Where is Marchesa? Where is the Marchesa show?” as if Rachel herself had been transported to the remote corners of Bangladesh.

In terms of supporting players, we once again saw Mandana (who I had forgotten all about), but fan-favorite Jeremiah was nowhere to be found (we were told that he’d since departed). Professional hanger-on Joey emerged for a brief cameo, and even Brad Goreski popped up… and was promptly ignored by Rachel, who instead lavished a hug on nearby Andy Cohen (oddly making a cameo on the show he produces). Meanwhile, Rodger remains as whiney as ever, but now with worse hair. The guy has attempted to grow his hair out, but the resultant shag is like a terrible Reality Bites nightmare from the mid-90s. Just when we thought he couldn’t be any more annoying…

Anyway, after the jump, a photocap!

“Oh my God. Rodge. Where are we going? Are we going to the fashion show? I don’t even know what that is. Oh my God. Bangs.”

“Where’s Prabal? I want to talk to him. He has to eat his bagel. Oh my God. If Prabal doesn’t eat his bagel, it will be a bagelsaster. Like, he might die. Rodge? Will Prabal die?”

“This fashion show coming up is maj. Like, I want to dunk my head in a bucket of water. I don’t know what that means. Where’s Prabal?”

“Oh my God. The model behind me is wearing a hat. That’s like me. I’m, like, literally wearing three hats: a designer hat, a stylist hat, and an invisible hat. Oh my god. Is it a ghost hat? Did my hat die and go to hat heaven? Rodge, my hat is a ghost. Get Mandana. I want a wall of ghost hats made of orchids. Oh my god. I die. Bangs.”

Rachel: “Oh my God. Where is Marchesa? Does anyone know where Marchesa is?? I’m, like, in a train station. I don’t even know what that is. I don’t know who I am.”
Rodger: “It’s got to be nearby.”
Rachel: “Do you think Marchesa died? Did the whole fashion show just die? Maybe it’s a ghost.”
“It’s not a ghost, Rachel.”
“Mandana, omg, hold my hand. We’re in a haunted train station.”
Mandana: “I don’t think it’s haunted.”
Rachel: “Oh my god. I’m literally putting on my Ghostbusters hat. It’s very safari ’70s Jane Birkin poltergeist cool.”
Rodger: “There are no ghosts.”
“Oh my god. Rodge.”
“What?”
“That train to Brewster is having a serious Anne Hathaway moment.”

“Can you believe we were in a train station? I don’t even know what that is. Where’s Marchesa? Omg.”

“Well, the reviews are in: everyone hates my hair.”

“Oh my God. I can’t wait to take a picture of Prabal’s dresses and show them to Prabal. I’m obSESSed with him. I need to tell Prabal. Omg. Where is Prabal. PRABAL. I literally am wearing my Prabal-finding hat. So many hats. I don’t even know what that means.”

“omg Prabal. I didn’t think I’d find you. I thought you were abducted by some safari-St.-Tropez-meets-Jane-Birkin ultra chic Anne Hathaway moment. Let’s go dunk our heads in buckets of ice water. I dont know what that means. Omg. Prabal.”

“Omg. Did you see Prabal? That was, like, maj. I want to give him a bagel and make him eat it. Where’s Prabal? I have a sesame bagel for him. Prabal? Omg, I think Prabal died.”
Rodger: “Prabal isn’t even here.”
Rachel: “He’s in another realm. Oh my God. How do we send this bagel to heaven? Rodge. We have to kill the bagel.”
“It’s an inanimate object. It can’t be killed.”
“Oh my god. The bagel is immortal. Like, civilizations will treat it like some ’70s safari Jane Birkin goddess. I don’t even know what that means.”
Rodger: “Rach, we need to get back to work.”
“I, like, literally can’t. I’m a servant to Mandana’s bagel now. It controls me. And it wants me to get bangs.”

“Oh my God. Where’s Prabal? I want to ask him about sliced bread. Like, who slices it? And where is it sliced? And is it even bread? Oh my God. What if the bread is made from bagels? Like, I don’t even know what that means. Prabal.”

“I’m, like, sitting here, getting bangs. This is not normal. Where’s Prabal? Someone tell Prabal. I want to look like a bagel. Give me bagel bangs. Oh my god. I don’t even know what bangs are.”

“Oh my God. These bangs are having an Anne Hathaway moment. Like, someone tell Prabal. These bangs are wearing so many hats right now. Oh my god. They need bagels.”

“Omg Oscar. I got bangs. Like, this is maj. I can’t deal.”
“They look a-very good.”
“I’m, like, having a bang-saster. I need Prabal.”
“Why do you need Prabal?”
“He has my hat.”
“You’re wearing a hat.”
“No. This is my designer hat. Prabal has my Prabal hat.”
“Oh I see.”
“Oscar?”
“Yes?”
“My son looks like a girl. I’m, like, obsessed.”

Rodger: “Hey Rach? I know this is a terrible time to ask–“
“Terrible time. Don’t ask. Like, never ask.”
“But–“
“Like, if you ask, then I will die. I will turn into powder and DIE.”
“I know, but–“
“Like, I think you’ve just killed me. Omg. I’m a ghost. Rodge. Can you see me?”
“Yes.”
“Oh no. That means you’re a ghost too. We’ve orphaned Sky. Rodge, how do we speak to Sky?”
“We’re alive.”
“Rodge, I want to possess a bagel. I want to talk to Sky as a bagel.”
“You can’t do that.”
“Why not?”
“You’re not dead, you can’t possess a bagel, and bagels don’t even talk.”
“Rodge, I’m wearing my ghost bagel hat.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Boo.”
“Huh?”
“I’m a haunted bagel.”
“You’re making no sense.”
“I’m the bagel of Christmas past. Omg. But I’m Jewish. Someone tell Pam. I turned Christian in heaven. This is a JEWSASTER.”

“Mandana?”
“Yes?”
“You’re my precious jewel.”
“Really?”
“I want to hang you on my neck and show you to Prabal.”
“That’s so sweet.”
“My bangs agree.”
“Tell your bangs thank you.”
“My bangs say ‘EAT YOUR BAGEL.'”
“I ate it.”
“My bangs don’t believe you.”
“Well, there’s nothing I can do about that.”
“My bangs want to know where they can get horse pills.”
“I don’t know.”
“My bangs also want to eat some unsliced bread. Like, omg. I love unsliced bread. My bangs and I are, like, soulmates. Omg. I die. I want a wall of bangs.”

What did you think about the episode?