They’re baaaaaaAAAAAACK. Well, at least three of them. I speak, of course, of The Real Housewives of New York City, which has been revamped with new opening credits, a new artistic direction, and of course a new(ish) cast. Gone are Cindy, Kelly, Jill, and Alex. In their place come three fresh faces. Well, I use the term “fresh” loosely. I wouldn’t call Carole and Aviva the paradigms of natural beauty. Poor Carole has done such strange things to her mouth that she often looks like she’s in a permanent state of Invisalign shame. Y’all know what I’m talking about.
Of the three newbies, Carole most certainly made the smallest impression. On the plus side, she seems to hate kids, which is hilarious, and even better, she hates when mommies talk about kids. Already she’s won me over. However, after that glorious revelation, Carole kind of become blah and forgettable. She talked about being a widow a lot (all the while simultaneously suggesting how annoyed she was about having to be pigeonholed as a widow), and she managed to humble brag a few times as well. Hopefully she’ll serve as something of a Greek chorus to the rest of these women because if there’s anything that has remained consistent with this series, it’s the high level of bat-shit craziness on display.
Of course, what makes the NYC women so entertaining is that they frequently alternate between being oddly relatable and totally awful, bitchy human beings. Take new cast member Heather, who at first glance seemed like a sweetheart, what with that big, goofy grin. It didn’t take long before we realized she was just a mean, fake bitch like the rest of them.
First off, we knew she had a screw loose when she appeared at Sonja’s cocktail party and promptly announced that her father had died just a few days prior. Why she was not mourning is beyond me. And let’s not talk about the awkward way she revealed this news. Okay, let’s talk about it: she just came out with it for no reason and then immediately tried to deflect attention away from it. This girl is nutso.
Later, Heather invited Ramona to her office to talk fashion (Heather is a fashion designer currently developing a line of shapewear). Now, we all know Ramona is crazy and a nut, but up until this point, she had been more or less friendly to Heather. Almost immediately Heather began talking major smack about Ramona in the confessionals, ridiculing her cover on the Learning Annex magazine. To be fair, I didn’t disagree when Heather said Ramona should be questioning her career, but it still seemed like a rather catty response to Ramona’s enthusiasm over the gig.
Over the course of the episode, we soon learned why Heather had developed this nasty attitude toward Ramona. Starting with that office visit, things took a rocky turn. Heather began yapping about how her son needed a liver transplant when he was a kid, and this of course caused Ramona to one-up her and relay a story about how Avery was nearly a stillborn. Heather then complained to us that Ramona was one-upping, and then we cut to the end of the conversation as Heather grinned widely and cooed, “Thank you so much for sharing that with me!” Ramona’s one-upsmanship was bad, but hilarious in a classic Ramona way. Heather’s phony-ass, shit-eating grin, however, was just offensive.
Later, there was more friction in the Hamptons when Ramona invited Heather over for a dinner party. Heather, it turns out, is quite the talker. In fact, she apparently cuts people off at every turn. This did not bode well with Mario, our resident asshole husband, who finally made a passive-aggressive joke about Heather interrupting. Ramona then turned to Heather, and instead of apologizing for her husband and smoothing things over, CONFIRMED this attack by saying yes, Heather, you DO interrupt a lot and you should know that.
Heather, of course, was not going to take this, and she served it right back (to speak in Mario’s tennis parlance) by stating that oh haha she thought the same thing about Ramona. Oh now it was AWN. Soon the two women began analyzing their tendencies to interrupt, and by “analyzing,” I mean passive-aggressively attack each other under a guide of laughter and self-improvement. Here was an epic fight, all being conducted with indoor voices and fake smiles. Future WASPs, take note.
(Of course, any good WASP would never have made the interrupting comment in the first place).
Ramona, meanwhile, was in typical form for the premiere. She fought with LuAnn, she embarrassed Sonja, she tussled with Heather, and she ultimately — allegedly — threatened the De Lesseps. All in good fun, right?
It seems as though no season premiere of New York City can go by without LuAnn demanding an apology from Ramona, Mario, or both. Next year I’m sure she’ll be expecting reparations from Avery. Nevertheless, this go-around, LuAnn was still miffed about the nasty things Ramona had said to her during the reunion. She tried to get Ramona to apologize at Sonja’s party, but Ramona refused. Later, LuAnn furiously stormed into a lunch with the newbies to announce that Ramona had threatened to expose all the dirt on her family and kids should LuAnn continue to press for an apology. That seemed like a new low, even for Ramona, but truth be told, LuAnn looked so enraged that it was hard to believe it was a total fabrication. If there’s one thing we know about Ramona, she’s willing to “go there,” wherever “there” may be (unless “there” is someplace that requires her to discuss business on the weekend).
Also floating around this mess were Aviva and Sonja, who more or less were loopy and harmless during this premiere. One might think there’s be more friction between them, what with stories that Sonja dated Aviva’s ex, quite possibly while he was still married to her, but they more or less got along fine. There was only one tense moment, which came courtesy of Sonja bragging about how Harry (the ex) always feels super comfortable around her. Aviva looked like she was ready to take off her fake leg and beat Sonja across the face with it.
Oh yeah, Aviva has a fake leg. It received a lot of screen time, and it also elicited the most amazing Countess LuAnn quote of the night: “Aviva is poised and graceful and charming. You would NEVER know that she had a handicap.”
To be fair, most people with handicaps are totally lacking in poise, grace, and charm. Lu Lu was just keeping it real, yo!
“Look, as long as my husband hasn’t slept with Jill Zarin, I’ll be fine with it.”
Aviva: “Ah, so nice to meet you!”
“And you are?”
“Aviva. You fucked my husband?”
“Honey, I’ve fucked a lot of husbands, mmkay? But you are a doll!”
Sonja: “Thank you so much for the gift. You are so sweet!”
Heather: “And thank you SO much for having me! My father just died. Your house is so CUTE!!!”
Carole: “What a lovely evening.”
Heather: “It’s as lovely as my son’s liver disease was horrifying. Love your dress!!”
LuAnn: “Welcome to our circle. We will now destroy you.”
“My mother ALWAYS said never bring just one bottle of wine because you never know when you’ll need another one, and you don’t want to depend on a man for it.”
Ramona: “CAAAAAALMMM DOWWWWWN!!!!!”
“I won’t apologize until you admit that your ex-husband is an older man.”
“Really, Ramona? This again? And to think we’re in the same city as the CANCER SOCIETY. Not in the same city as the Cancer Society! NEVER IN THE SAME CITY AS THE CANCER SOCIETY!!!”
“I demand an apology, and I demand it in FRENCH.”
“After my husband died, I vowed never to move my face again.”
“So have you met LuAnn? She’s a SUPER bitch. Just sayin’.”
Ramona: “I AM NOT APOLOGIZING!”
LuAnn: “SAY IT IN FRENCH. Or Italian. I speak that too.”
“Je suis désolé. SAY IT.”
“So, Carole, you must be the boring one.”
Heather: “Hey, great work Stephanie! Thanks for the input. YOU’RE FIRED.”
Heather: “Soooo… my son had a liver transplant.”
Ramona: “That’s funny you say that because Avery was almost a stillborn when I had her.”
“Yeahhhh… and my father just died.”
“Mine already died.”
“I can fly.”
“I’m on the cover of the Learning Annex.”
“You’re supposed to one-up me.”
“Didn’t I though?”
“I can’t wait to talk so much shit behind this woman’s back.”
“Three legs and a little lady, amiright?”
“Am I drunk, or am I seeing three legs?”
“You’re seeing three legs.”
“Oh, okay… I think I’m drunk too though.”
Ramona: “I started my own business.”
Heather: “Tell me about it.”
“I don’t talk about business.”
Ramona: “It’s so great that we’re all here, and it’s the weekend, and we’re in the Hamptons, and we have wine!”
Heather: “My dad died last week!”
Heather: “Gosh, who’s ready for dinner??”
“If you don’t open that wine in ten seconds, I’m going to chop off your head, put it in this box, and mail it to LuAnn.”
Mario: “So you live out here?”
Heather: “No, I actually don’t.”
“Oh I see. I th–“
“I’m from the Berkshires, and we don’t really NEED a Hamptons lifestyle.”
“Yes, but it’s very lovely here in the–“
“There’s SO much in the Berkshires.”
“I’m sure th–“
“A lot of great restaurants and bars in the Berkshires.”
“The Hamptons have–“
“Could you stop interrupting–“
“No, YOU interrupt.”
Mario: “You know, you really do tend to talk over people.”
Ramona: “Yeah, that’s a problem of yours.”
Heather: “Really? Because I found it was a problem of yours!”
“Hahaha! That’s funny. But you really do interrupt too much.”
“As do you! Hahaha. I guess we’re both just two women with a lot to say! Hahaha.”
Mario: “Yup! You never shut up! Hahaha!”
Heather: “I guess maybe I just really don’t care what either of you has to say! Hahahaha!!!”
Ramona: “You’re pretty bitchy for a guest! HAHAHAHAHAH!!!”
“And you’re a terrible hostess!! LOLOLOLOL!!!!”
Mario: “I guess both you women can shut up now!! ROTFLOL LMAO LMFAO!!!”
Heather: “You’re a real asshole too! LOLOLOLOL STFU SRSLY LOLOL LMFAO WTF?”
“You should really attend my Learning Annex class: HOW TO STOP INTERRUPTING PEOPLE AND START A BUSINESS.”
“See, when you do that, it makes me think that you’re not listening.”
“So you should stop doing that.”
“Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh.”
“Aw, thanks SO much for sharing that with me!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“Well, my father just died. Oh my gosh, LOVE your hair!”
“Does it excite you to know that my name is a palindrome?”
“Oh my gosh! You know what else is a palindrome? DAD. As in ‘my DAD just died.’ CRAY right?”
Sonja: “So, Aviva, all that talk about the fake leg — that was just a JOKE right?”
“Have you guys talked to Carole yet? She is, like, THE BEST.”
“Anyone notice how Aviva is just a touch off-kilter? It’s like she only has ONE leg or something. More wine please.”
LuAnn: “AH BONJOUR! BIENVENUE!”
“Mommy, who is the scary lady yelling at us?”
LuAnn: “Scary? Would you believe the toddler called me SCARY? The mouth on that one! NASTY!”
LuAnn: “As you can see, my daughter has a very distinct point of view. This isn’t the crappy art that you’d find in, say, QUOGUE.”
LuAnn: “Darlings, let’s talk shit about Ramona.”
“Would you believe she tried to blackmail me? And in the same state as the Cancer Society? I mean, not at the cancer society. NEVER at the cancer society!”
“Well, ladies, I must be off. I’m late for a chunky necklace convention.”
“Wow, she was in and out of here so quickly, I never even got a chance to interrupt her!”
“Oh. Carole. You’re here. Have you been here all this time?”
What did you think about the episode? Like the new girls? Who do you like the most? Who do you hate the most?
Was so happy to see this ptohocap!
I was also shocked by the way Heather casually mentioned her dad died “on Friday” and was at a party shortly thereafter.
I miss /don’t follow a lot of the gossip/drama that happens outside of the actual show. Is there a particular reason Jill & Co weren’t asked back? Or was Andy just over it?
In addition to the “very old French families” and the Churchills she mentioned last season, Sonja has added the Kennedys to her list of BFFs as well. I have yet to ever see one shred of evidence of her being well traveled and best friends with all of these people. Joe Churchill from Buffalo, NY, doesn’t count, Sonja!
Finally, I LOVE CAROLE RADZIWILL. Her book has been one of my favorites for some time and I’ve read it over and over again. Loved her in the premiere — she seems like she’ll be the Kathy Wakile/Heather Dubrow of this cast. I am a little nervous I’m going to lost all respect for her if she engages in some of the typical Housewives antics. Her husband was a prince so we’ll see how that plays out… paper beats rock, Countess.
Great recap, b…but I must disagree as to the Best LuAnn quote of the episode. IMHO it was straight out of the gate, with Lu admitting having seen Aviva before at parties. You know,where they eyed each other “like attractive women will”, or whatever to that effect she said. HA!
I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time! Where have you been all of my life? Hats off to you!
Thanks B-Side! I LOLLOLLMFAOOMG!
I think this is going to be a great season, I am interested in all these women unlike last year.
The confontation between Heather and Ramona about interupting while each one was interupting was priceless!
Heather looks a LOT like Genevieve, the interior decorator from Trading Spaces, and more recently on her own show on HGTV. Anyone else see a resemblance?
The LuAnn/Ramona thing is interesting. I find it funny how LuAnn acts so “shocked” about Ramona bringing up her children. I do agree that the kids should not be brought into a fight, BUT, LuAnn seems desperate to get the new girls on her side. The old saying about the lady “doth protest too much”. I think that LuAnn’s kids (or at least the girl) are big time troublemakers and LuAnn is probably embarrassed about that. LuAnn is acting like Ramona is out of control for bringing up her daughter, but I think LuAnn is just jealous that there isn’t any dirt on Ramona’s daughter (well, at least at this point there isn’t).
When LuAnn met the women so quickly for lunch (I thought it was rude for LuAnn to just pop by so briefly) it was clear to me that she was desperate to try to be 1 step ahead of the Ramona rumor train. She was trying to be proactive about things so that when/if info about the skeleton artist gets out that those women will be on her side.
What skeleton artist??? Do tell
Carole’s blog on bravo makes me love her already. I have high hopes for this one, hope she doesn’t disappoint!!
I SO agree. Her blog is hilarious. I have high hopes for her!
The three new women all look vaguely similar and it’s a little hard to tell them apart. The brown haired one’s face doesn’t seem to move, though.
And her overbite ! Dayum!
So, so so funny! Love the recap.
So Aviva is not Michaele Salahi? They look like twins to me.
BOOM. She is definitely Michaele Salahi with money and one less leg.
I was worried that with half a cast of newbies, things were going to go stale and this was the beginning of the end of RHONY. Boy am I glad that I was wrong! The new ladies are going to do just fine with the old crazies. And I can’t believe that Sonya is STILL trying to get this toaster oven thing started, if it hasn’t taken off by now, don’t you think it’s because it’s a dud of an idea?
I love it how apparently all you have to be is tall and thin in NYC to be “attractive.” Nevermind that your hair looks like barf and your face looks like an ass … thanks for the recap, B Side!
Thank you for saying it for me. Could they not find three attractive women in NYC.? Hell – “The City” did it.
See, I had the opposite reaction. After watching the OC and Beverly Hills, it was nice to see real looking women. And, they had not all applied their make up with a spackling (sp?) tool! Sonja looked great, and at times it looked like she wasn’t wearing any make up at all.
Who can talk about the show with this recap? Its the best!!!!!! And I read them all:) thank god your back. Or maybe I left? Either way , don’t go away again!!!!
Luann is haughty as ever, and (as opposed to last season) I love it.
I still despise Ramona. Hate. I believe she spread some nasty rumors about Luann and her family.
Sonja is the Blanche Devereaux of this show.
I already love Aviva. I think she’s going to be awesome. Can’t wait for the moment she calls Ramona and Sonja “white trash.”
I got a different read on Heather. I didn’t think she was intolerable, just a little annoying.
And finally…Carole who?
This will be an interesting season – recap gold ahead!
LuAnn should not talk about her parenting skills or her children – but then we would have to put up with the “boytoy” storyline and marvel at the silly crap she wears around her neck and calls jewelry.
One of your best recaps EVAH! Sooooo funny. I adore Sonja and love M’s comment above about her being Blanche. I spit out my Diet Coke after reading that Luann was off to a chunky necklace convention! Hilarious. This season is going to be great. Do not miss Jill Zarin one bit.
Aviva is Claudia Schiffer’s doppelganger. I loved her, thought she was great. Can we say her ex is the NYC’s version of Slade Smiley?
I didn’t mind Heather either. I can be a little passive agressive but I don’t have the balls or quick thinking to swing it right back in someone’s face. It was kinda awesome. And I think she should get a pass on her bringing up her Dad’s death again and again. Ya know how when you’ve had a few, and you are already sad and thinking about it, you blurt things out? (Just me?) I bet editing played a heavy hand in making it seem like she just said it out of the blue again and again.
Carole’s blog gives me hope. Now if I can get over how she only talks with her bottom mouth- the top doesn’t move at ALL.
Ramona is bat shit crazier than ever. And I got the feeling she was holding back a little. Mario is still an ass.
Lulu is doing damage control. She needs to. Victoria is talented, but ohmygosh that art was disturbing. I hope she sold something because I bet framing them cost more than what she was selling them for.
Sonja, checking out the previews, I am embarrassed for you.
Forgive me but I grew to like Silex, kinda miss them. Couldn’t be happier Jill and Kelly aren’t gracing the screen.
Thanks for the recap, B-Side! Here’s to a great season!
I kind of miss that hot mess also known as Kelly Bensimon. She finally went to sleep.
she’s in her own world, with rain drops and gummy bears, and people being genuine now.
I can’t stand that crappy Quogue art! That was my favorite caption… lol.
Heather already annoys me. :-/ Really like Aviva so far though.
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