You know what’s fun? When friendships totally fall apart. Actually, that’s not fun at all, and yet I’m thoroughly enjoying the disintegration of Teresa Giudice’s social life on The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Last week, we saw Caroline declare that she would no longer be Teresa’s friend, and this week, it was Jacqueline’s turn at the defriend derby. It all happened in a pretty predictable way. At a release party for Melissa’s “On Display” single (still LOLing over that song), Jacqueline decided to chat with Tre to smooth things over. Naturally, Teresa demanded an apology right off the bat and accused Jackie of ambushing her. It never was totally clear what Teresa felt she was ambushed with because as far as we could tell, the only thing she had to face were a few honest questions (at least until Caroline materialized from the New Jersey ether and got all Manzo on her). Anyway, Jacqueline tried to explain that she hadn’t been ambushing Teresa, but you know how it is: in one ear, out another. Or actually, when it comes to Teresa: in one ear, bouncing around the hollow cavity that is her head, out another ear, and then finally caught and tangled in her distractingly low hairline.
I honestly don’t remember the specifics of the fight — it was too much for my brain to retain — but needless to say, it escalated out of control until finally Teresa told Jacqueline to fuck off. Jacqueline did just that, finding liquid consolation with several shots from some random woman who repeated a generally sound mantra: “FUCK IT.”
Melissa, meanwhile, came clean with her role in Danielle-gate 2010. For those who don’t remember, Danielle made an insinuating comment to Teresa during the season two reunion about Melissa’s son. It didn’t really make sense to us at the time, but what we’ve learned is that Teresa never visiting the boy in the hospital when he was born; so as revenge, Melissa told this nugget of gossip to Danielle, who then spread it around the reunion and the Internet like soft cream cheese. Wait, did I just make that analogy? I’m not sure it even makes sense. It’s late, and I’m tired. It’s a miracle I’ve written this much.
Anyhoo, Melissa ‘fessed up to her crime, and while Teresa seemed ready to jump down her throat, Melissa exhibited great patience and brought her sister-in-law back down from the ledge. Happy family?
Teresa also finally assented to therapy, despite her husband’s objections. According to him, therapists were no good — as evidenced by a weird childhood story involving him getting into trouble at school (shocker) and being sent to a therapist. Ultimately though, in a glorious nod to the delusion that would later fill his and his wife’s life, Joe concluded that he didn’t need therapy. No, it was the school that was bonkers, and he didn’t belong there. This comes on the heels of learning about Joe’s teenage weiner exhibitionism. His back story grows more and more intriguing every week. Someone page Dr. Lowenstein.
Yes, I did just make a twenty-five year old reference to Prince of Tides, and unlike my cream cheese analogy, I will not apologize for it.
Anyhoo, with Teresa having no more friends left, she suddenly was all about her family again. Curious. We’ll see if it lasts. I doubt that Rosie for one will stand for it.
Christopher: “Don’t you sometimes think it would be awesome to have friends other than Mom?”
Albie: “Mom’s the best, isn’t she?”
“I just want you all to know that I just won the award for New Jersey’s Most Square Hair.”
“Tre, you gotta stop spray tanning. You look like a floating head next to the walls.”
“Hello? This is Kathy Wakile calling for James Cameron. Please let him know I’m planting a Tree of Souls.”
“You know, Teresa, I never stopped caring for you. Or the Na’vi people, for that matter.”
“Who’s the Na’vi? Is that one of those outer-spaces people who I skinned to make this scarf?”
“I will kill you if you lay a finger on the gentle people of Pandora.”
“What is it with yous? It’s like Heckle and Jydes over here.”
“OH MY GAWD! It’s Ryan Seacrest! He’s going to play my song now and then NEVER AGAIN!”
“I think I’m gonna work my issues out with a physical therapist or what– what do they call it? A psychologicycle?”
“Therapy is dumb. They tried to make me go to therapy after me and my friend Tommy kept taking out our penises and touching them and stuff. And then I realized it wasn’t me who needed the therapy. It was all those dodos who kept putting their penises in my mouth. So that’s that.”
Teresa: “I mean, I don’t know why I have to go to therapy. I never did nothing wrong. And I don’t have grudges. I hate grudges. But you know who has grudges? Melissa. No surprise there. Dumb bitch still hasn’t thanked me for throwing her sprinkle cookies in the garbage. But I don’t hold grudges.”
“Wanna see my nipple?”
“Hey Ma, remember when I took Lauren to the prom? I think I should tell you it was you — YOU were the one I wanted to take. It was always you. Always…”
“OH MY GAWD! I MADE IT TO THE COVER OF THE PENNYSAVER!!!”
Caroline: “I do NOT like alfalfa.”
“I can’t help notice that this party doesn’t have a cannoli made of cannolis.”
Melissa: “Isn’t it funny how if you squint, my breasts look like they have British parliament on them?”
“Who’s that whore on the stage? Oh, it’s your wife. Haha, get it? It’s a joke! It’s funny! Like, ha-ha!”
“Thanks for ambushing me, Jacqueline.”
“Do you even know what ambush means?”
“Yeah, it’s when you bake someone a pie and then talk about tigers. What’s your point?”
“You’re an idiot.”
“Do NOT let Lauren eat any hors d’oeuvres.”
“Jacqueline, you really fucked up. You were honest with me, and that’s just NOT cool.”
“I swear on every hair plug in my scalp that I will resolve things with my sister.”
“Does anyone hear an awful, nasal sound? Sort of like a lawnmower having sex with a chainsaw? Oh wait, never mind. It’s just Teresa yelling.”
“Teresa says that Joe has the squarest hair in New Jersey, but I’m sorry, YOU have the squarest hair, and I refuse to back down from that!”
“I don’t know who I am either, but I’m gonna go on camera and say ‘Fuck’ a lot.”
“Hey guys! I have no friends left. Let’s be a family and stuff!!!”
What did you think about the fight? What did I miss? Probably a lot, I imagine.