After two seasons of unspectacular reunions, the crazy bitches on Real Housewives of Atlanta brought their A-Game back — the same A-Game that we saw at the end of season one and changed Housewives reunions forever. These women yelled and yelled and yelled; although, to be fair, it was mostly NeNe, who spent the better part of the hour boasting about how wealthy she was (with occasional diversions to clarify the status of her vagina in regards to its dildo occupancy). Truthfully, NeNe has now cemented herself on the “Worst” list of the Housewives (a list I’m perennially hoping to update on this site). It’s been a stunning fall from grace, thanks in part to the celebrity that has gone to her head. I’m hoping she can turn things around, but she’s got to realize at some point that she’s driven away all the people she once considered close. Ah, but that requires an ounce of self-awareness, and where would we be if any of these women had THAT?
After the jump, a photocap of the reunion…
Andy: “Hey everyone! Welcome to the Atlanta reunion! Hi Nene!”
“What’s that, Andy? Couldn’t hear you over the sound of all my cash fluttering about, on account of me being RICH, BITCH.”
“And I am very boring. Thank you. Thank you very much.”
“Kim, what’s this on your finger?”
“Oh, that’s just a curly fry I found at Arby’s. I dipped it in Horsey Sauce and had Kroy gild it in melted candy cane. You like?”
Andy: “Okay, let’s turn the floor over to NeNe so she can be hideous for an hour.”
“I would like to say that I’m gonna need some Chardy and a cig in about fifteen minutes.”
Kandi: “Uh, Kim. You pregnant. You always say you gave that up.”
“Well, when I said I gave up drinking and smoking, I meant drinking non-alcoholic beverages and smoking salmon.”
“Too bad about the smoked salmon. I was gonna sell some with each wig. I even had a business name picked out: Locks ‘n’ Lox.”
Andy: “Oh, and then you could also offer locksmith services and call it Locks, Lox, & Locks.”
Kim: “I don’t get it.”
Kandi: “And then you could operate near the Erie Canal and call it Locks, Lox, Locks, and Locks!”
“This all sounds like a waste of time.”
Kandi: “TIME! Locks, Lox, Locks, Locks, and Clocks!”
“The Bailey Agency would be proud to represent you.”
“Oh my God, guys. I can sort of see my reflection in the laminate in these cards. Mazel of the week goes to MY EYES!”
NeNe: “Mazel of the Week goes to my bank account. Because I’m rich! BAM! Haaaay!!!”
“Is anyone else feeling incredibly inspired now that She By Shereé is coming back?”
“I DON’T WANT NO DILDO UP MY VAJAYJAY!”
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t listening. I just assumed you were talking about dildos again.”
“We weren’t. But we could!”
“Okay. Let me tell you what I think about dildos.”
“I DON’T WANT NO DILDO UP MY VAJAYJAY!”
“The Bailey Agency would be proud to represent whichever dildo anyone wishes to stick up their vajayjay.”
“Dildo By Dildoé.”
Kandi: “Okay, let’s keep it real. If anyone needs a dildo up their George Peach, it’s NeNe.”
“I LOVE Peach Cobbler. That’s the name I gave my first cadaver.”
“Andy, is it true that Chick Fil-A is closed on Sundays? Because that is NOT cool.”
“Okay, we have a question from Dee in San Diego. She asks ‘Cynthia, how many jobs have you booked for your clients?'”
“Okay, let’s see… that’s thirty-eight plus five… minus six… then that thing last week… oh and then fashion week… NONE.”
“I don’t need an agency. I’M RICH. I GOT $20,000 TIED UP IN MONEY MARKETS, BONDS, AND CLAIM JUMPER GIFT CERTIFICATES.”
Sherayay: “If you so rich, where your Scrooge McDuck vault of gold coins, bitch?”
“I WILL NOT SIT HERE AND GOSSIP ABOUT SCROOGE MCDUCK. I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO WITH MY TIME.”
Sherayay: “Like what? Bail your son out of jail?”
“Low Blow By Low Blowé.”
“Just because my son got no career, got no diploma, got a growing criminal record, and go no prospects does NOT make me a bad mother!”
Phaedra: “Actually, NeNe, logic dictates that it makes you a TERRIBLE mother.”
“Phaedra Parks, Attorney at Law, Embalmer at Night.”
Sherayay: “You want to talk about terrible parenting? How about Bob, letting his son sleep on a DOGGIE MATTRESS. Why, I ought to drive over to his house in my Aston Martin and bang him over the head with my Hermès bag!”
“Does anyone else here want to get a Big Gulp? No? Just me?”
“I DO NOT BUY BIG GULPS. I AM RICH, BITCH. I DRINK SLURPEES.”
“Here’s a question from Iva in Brentwood. ‘Andy, why are you so cute?’ Oh wait. That was a question from me! Thanks, me! I’m gonna totally talk about this on m’Twitter and m’Facebook!”
“And I’m proud to announce that the Bailey Agency is now on Friendster.”
“BITCH, I just BOUGHT Friendster! Because I’m so RICH!”
Andy: “And how much did Friendster cost?”
NeNe: “Twelve dollars!”
“Social Media by Social Medié.”
What did you think about the reunion?
Love the shout out to HB.
OMG HAHAHHAHA “Dildo By Dildoé.”
Loved the recap…especially the whole Lox and Locks string.
With all the dildo and vajayjay talk I can see you took the high road for the Kandi caption to go with cLocks vs. (ya know) or “box”.
This was SO funny! Everything cracked me up – but I especially loved the Chick-Fil-A reference…
We got some shades of the old, awesome Nene when she was talking about Sheree’s house… “what am I gonna visit? Sticks?”
Sheree possibly has the least self-awareness of any housewife, in any city, ever. Which makes her amazing of course. I love that she’s still claiming the “She” line is coming soon/in the works/etc.
Pheadra has become my favorite. Is Cynthia ZZZzzzzZZZZzzzzz…. oh sorry, I dozed off. Is she coming back next season?
In other news, Bravo is re-running old NJ episodes right now.. Danielle makes Theresa look like a (proverbial) delight.
You had me at Erie Canal.
I feel embarrassed for Sheree. During the regular shows she acts so cocky, but the reunion is a different thing. She is trying to act like her mansion and clothing line are actually happening when that clearly is not the case. I wish she would be real and answer honestly. For example, when asked about the invisible house she would come off better if she said, “Originally I planned on building a huge house, but a smaller home is a better fit for my family and financial situation.” And the clothing line??? For heaven’s sake, just say “It’s not going to happen. I am looking into starting a different kind of business.” The fake BS answers are silly. I think Sheree would be a great personal trainer.
and now…she won’t be on the show anymore after season 4 so…no house by houserée
This made my laugh many times. Does anyone else think that Nene’s haircut is too similar to what Kate Gosselin had for a while? Every time I see her now I think of Kate Gosselin and that awful hair cut she had. Kim used to be so pretty. I wish she would tone it down. She’d be much more beautiful. And what are they wearing? Kandi, really?
duuuuuude I was thinking the same. NeNe’s hair has GOT TO GO already. Sheesh. And Kandi, Kandi, Kandi, wtf was she wearing?
Taitai- is it true Sheree isn’t coming back? If anyone should get the ax, it’s Cynthia. Then maybe Kandi, who has her own spin-off coming out anyway. Sheree is AMAZING, wtf?!
B-Side, your recap was impeccable as always, but for part 2 a little more accuracy re: Nene’s pronunciation of deaaaallllllll-do would be appreciated.. 😉
It is true. The story broke yesterday. I first saw it on radaronline but then People had a story saying she was leaving…there are also stories that she was fired. Bravo confirmed she isn’t returning.
She says she is over the drama and ridiculousness and it doesn’t fit into her life – or something like that.
That was her only income…whoa.
What did Kandi have on? Did she get that outfit from Alladin?
I don’t enjoy Nene anymore…she’s too full of herself. Glad to see Kim tends to tone it down in the sexy revealing department when she’s pregnant…wtf? Why bother even wearing the top? She could have nursed Andy from her chair.
Cynthia is by far the most boring person on the show….I wish she and her Uncle Ben look alike husband were gone….he’s on step up from Jim Bellino in my opinion.
Theresa Guidice signing bottles of her Bellini wine downtown today here in NJ…so far I saw no traffic jams from the crowds.
Great recaps as always.
With Atlanta its like anything you can do I can do better I have more, mine is better, I’m rich, they are all materialistic, and then poor Sheree saying that her clothing line coming back that is just sad!
Can’t stand Nene, but for some reason am mesmerized by her expressive fingertips:)
That was hilarious!
Sheree definitely has to go. It’s a good move for the show. Her fake-rich lifestyle is so blatantly obvious now and difficult to watch…I mean the empty condo, nonexistent clothing line and the sudden stress about child support…anyways, as much as I know she should go, I will miss her epic fights. Bitch could argue! She is so quick on her feet. I mean the, “who’s gonna check me boo?” fight is still one of my all time faves. And “fix your face”!!! I mean, come ON! She will be missed. Oh, and if they make Horrible Marlo a full time cast member, I’m out. And Atlanta is my favorite series (next to the OC, of ourse) but I just can’t with her.
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