Bravo titled last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills the “Night of 1,000 Surprises,” and it was about as apt a name as could be. The action all centered around Lisa’s opening bash for Sur, and pretty much every segment of the super sized episode featured a noteworthy bit of drama — whether it was Kim acting wasted in a limo, Brandi lashing out at her husband’s mistress (who’s now a waitress at Sur), Cedric crashing the party, the Richards’ sisters emotionally confronting each other, Taylor popping up with a black eye, Camille demanding an apology, or everyone laughing at Ken for being called a gay bullmastiff. Hmm… I think I just recapped the whole episode. It was all golden stuff. I have much to say, but I know all people really care about are the photos; so I’m just going to save some time and get right into it!
“I wonder if my daughter would notice if I ate this mirror.”
“Hmmm… Which dress will make me look better when my mom and my aunt inevitably embarrass me tonight at the party?”
“How about we get rid of these candles and put Giggy on this column, yes?”
“Darling, not now. I’m too busy turning Sur into a convalescence home.”
Kim: “Oh my gosh. I was going through my bag, and I was like ‘Hey, is this lip gloss?’ and then I tried to put it on, but it kept buzzing; so I was like ‘Hey, this is a vibrator!” What a mixup! I guess that explains why whenever I masturbate, I get lip gloss all over my vagina. I.. I get nervous…”
“I’m so excited for this party tonight. I can’t wait to have a club soda and ride in a limo, and you know how much I love to touch buttons in a limo, and then when the little man arrives and takes us on the rainbow ride, we can look at the planes at the airport, and you know how much I LOVE those planes. It’s like I always say: horseshoes, paperclips, parsnips! I… I get nervous…”
“Welcome to my party. I’m afraid I don’t remember who you are, but for some reason, when I see your face, it makes me think of mediocre food. Why is that?”
Bernie: “I HATE YOU AND WANT YOU TO DIE!”
“Who was that man? And come to think of it, who are YOU?”
Waitress: “So, like, not to be like this, but, um, I like totally slept with Brandi’s husband. LOLS!!!!!”
Brandi: “You know what would be fun? Me stabbing that waitress IN THE EYE.”
Lisa: “I think you should go.”
“Awesome.”
“It doesn’t seem right for you to be here.”
“Awesome. Totally understand. I feel awesome about that.”
“So you can leave now.”
“Awesome. Great! Will do!”
“Did Brandi make you feel uncomfortable?”
“Hmmm… not so much Brandi as much as this creepy woman in purple next to me.”
“I just… I… where is my… I don’t know why… these mirrors… I… I can’t find my… this pressure… I… My vibrator… I… I get nervous…”
“I just love these tiles. I could crawl on them all day. They’re so cold and shiny. How about we stay here tonight? Everything happens for a reason. I can’t find my driver’s license, and I need to dry my hair, and there’s this ferris wheel I want to try, but only if they serve brie cheese, which is what they do at the Panama Canal. With the boats. And all the caterpillars. And they’re all like ‘Look at me!’ and I’m like ‘No, caterpillar. I was here first. Right, Paris?’ and Paris is like ‘Haha, Aunt Kim,’ and I’m like… I… I get nervous.”
Kyle: “Hey look — a tan, waxy version of Felix the Cat just walked in. Oh wait, it’s Cedric.”
“Bonjour! I decided to just spontaneously show up at the party wearing one of Bravo’s microphones! Totally spontaneous!”
Cedric: “Sooooo? How are things????”
“Cedric, get out.”
“FINE! I’ll stay. So nice of you to say that!”
“What is wrong with you?”
“WELL, I accidentally injected Botox into my eyeball; so I can’t really see right and have been walking in circles a lot. You know, normal stuff.”
“Cedric, please leave. You’re scaring PANDY.”
Pandora: “I’m scared.”
“I just want to let you know that even though you don’t want to see me, I’m here to support you. Also, I really wanna be on TV again. pleasepleaseplease!!!”
“Well that was dreadful. Next time, I’m poisoning him.”
“I really can’t wait to go to this party and make it SUPER DEPRESSING!”
“Oh lookshh. It’sssh a tissue. And there’s shhnott in it. I’mma nngoing to touchshh it.”
“Kim, don’t touch that.”
“But I want to. It’ssh mmppretty.”
“Don’t you want to play with the buttons instead?”
“Nggyes. I LOVE the shbuttonsh. Do you wantsssh to sssee my vibrratorr?”
“Not really…. aw Kim, what are you doing? Don’t lick the tissue.”
“Tastttess so candyyyyyy.”
Kim: “This party is going to be the worst. Maurice will be there. Brandi will be there. Ken will be there. Oh, did I say that last thing out loud?”
Kim: “Hiiiiiiii!!! I’m so happy!!!!! Please don’t let go of me until Ken leaves the party!!!!”
“[sniff sniff] I miss Dana!”
“Really?”
“No! Hahahahahahah got you!!!”
“Kim, I’m going to pretend like I know what you’re saying, but what I’m actually going to do is pawn you off to Kyle. Smell ya later!”
“Oh my gosh!! Cougar Town is coming back!!! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT I’M EXCITED ABOUT IT!!! I LOVE CATS AND ZONING!!!!! (I’m breaking up with Ken. He’s mean.)“
“Kyle, your sister thinks she’s pregnant. Please talk to her. And try not to laugh.”
“We have to go soon. Ken is working tonight, and I can’t find my passport.”
“What does that even mean, KIM?”
“Ken works in Greenland now. He commutes in one of those clouds that the Carebears fly around in.”
“What?”
“I need my passport. The Carebears are really strict at customs.”
“You’re making no sense, KIM.”
“I want a flower.”
“Kim, listen to me.”
“I want to touch buttons and play with a flower.”
“Will you listen to me for once?”
“But I like flowers…”
“We get it. You like flowers and airplanes.”
“Oh, I LOVE those airplanes at the airport.”
“Kim, we need to have an honest conversation.”
“But you’re going to yell at me about being late for Hawaii.”
“No, Kim! I just want you to be happy! I don’t care about Hawaii! That’s small stuff!!!!!! … buuuuuuttt seriously why were you so late? HOW COULD YOU BE SO LATE!?!?!?!?”
“I… I get nervous.”
“Kim…”
“I touched snot today.”
“Hey guys. I’m dating my therapist now.”
Therapist: “Um, what?”
“Kim? Are you okay?”
“LEEEEEMEEEE ALONE!!! I’M TAKING A SHIT!!!!”
“Guys, I love reenacting the opening credits of the Golden Girls!”
What did you think about this episode?
The menopausal drug addicted housewife is left to fend for herself even though she could die. The liar and thief that lives off other peoples money gets the full suport of all the housewifes. What is up with that? Kyle is a better sister to Taylor than she is to her own sister,
“The carebears are really strict at customs,” hahaha!
When they broke to commercial with the dramatic music and the preview of Kim saying, “wait, there’s something else,” I just knew she was going to tell Kyle she thought she was pregnant. Next week she can fall and make believe she has a miscarriage. This is totally the Aaron Spelling-inspired Real Housewives series.
Hard not to notice how much better Cedric’s hairpiece looked (still awful). He must have found another sucker to keep him pretty.
Actually, your in-depth analysis at the beginning is my favorite part of these photocaps.
Cedric’s face looks extra plastic-y since he left lisa’s.
Every line out of Kim’s mouth was gold. Also, did anyone else notice that along with that nasty, snotty kleenex, Kim stumbled upon a used coke bag? Maybe I shouldn’t admit that I recognized it for what it was…
It absolutely was a used coke bag which I thought might have been hers from her purse and that’s why Ken went so nuts trying to get it out of sight. What a train wreck. She is absolutely doing more than pills and booze…..she needs way too much time alone in the bathroom…so she’s either laying lines….or heating up crack…
Seeing the drug counselor there was pretty funny…..like a future Dr Drew episode in the making
I would LOVE to watch Kim on Celebrity Rehab–I hope Dr. Drew can get her.
The in-depth analysis is my favorite too!
WTF was Bernie doing at SUR.? I know Lisa didn’t invite him. Is Bernie dating RuPaul?
I loved Kyle’s story about trying on bathing suits and seeing Mohammed’s gf on a poster in the changing room. And BTW Kyle if you have to constantly pull up the top of your dress perhaps you should stop wearing strapless gowns.
Cedric dear – what did you think was going to happen when you crashed Lisa’s party? Did you really think she would welcome you and say all is forgiven come home and leech off my family again.?? But thanks for giving Ken an opportunity to appear useful.
Kim thinking that she might be three months pregnant was almost as funny as Kyle suggesting that menopause was the more likely answer.
♫♫Sisters, sisters
There were never such devoted sisters ♪
hb
Ugh… this episode was so exhausting!
this episode was all types of wrong. Kyle: the unflattering dress you kept tugging at all night? wrong. Lisa; rejecting your Rod Stewart hubby when he tries to give you an encouraging hug? wrong. Brandi: bc it was kims awful boyfriend, you get a pass for being rude to someone’s face. but the insisting to your distressed hosts that you didn’t invite Cedric but then giving him a warm hug goodbye in front of them was inconsistent and wrong-o, kiddo. Camille: you surprise me. You were a little wrong with some eye makeup choices in interviews; but you’ve been saintly and righteous this season – brava! Adrienne: hoarse dude voice is an interesting weapon of choice, but when engaged in argument, it’s jarring and is wrong. Taylor: i don’t have an interactive relationshp with my TV, but you’ve had me yelling at it all season. so thanks. showing off Kennedy’s chore chart to herr doctor douche before making him your plus 1 to a party was WRONG WRONG WRONG (and medically unethical for him. he’s awful). and, finally, kim: the disheveled huge suitcase for just a single night out, the crawling on the bathroom floor (in fact, all interactions with bathrooms this episode: crawling around, locking in, et al.), the rifling and flinging about of limo trash, the dating of ken, the pitiful complaints about ken and broken flowers. wrong. so wrong. oh yeah, and the drugs. also wrong.
…and is it wrong that I found myself somehow on Team Ken this week? That gay bull mastiff showed incredible constraint and patience with Her Collapsedness, I thought.
Who brings their therapist to a party??????
Adrienne is such a know it all.
Poor Kim, a total disater. Hope she sticks with the program.
What’s the deal with Taylor’s “therapist”? He’s a DO, which is an osteopath, but he calls himself a psychiatrist, would be an MD. He is qualified to crack her back, not her skull. He also has a huge conflict of interest in being Taylor’s therapist while also being their couple’s therapist. And the best place to reveal spousal abuse to your friends is a club opening with tv cameras and booze? What a phony. All he wants is airtime and his own tv show.
I’m really coming around to Brandi. She could have made a scene with the homewrecker waitress, and she totally kept her cool, oblivious to the fact that her nipple was popping out.
I would love to hear what Bernie thought of Lisa’s food.
I swear I saw him on Celebrity Rehab and I thought he was a shrink on that….he’s a D.O.? Wow, I guess they can treat EVERYTHING now!
My therapist was in the same grocery store that I was once and he didnt’ even acknowledge I was there…..as it should be…..it’s called confidentiality. Unless I had approached him to say hi.
Going to a party with a patient and talking about her issues? Give me a break!!!!
So not cool
Sooooo.. When are Kim and Kelly Killoren-Bensimon getting their own spin off show already? Maybe setting up a Detective Agency in The South? With Dr Drew?
I’m late because I can’t find my satchels of gold!
Too Funny!!!
AND another show I’d put in my DVR queue…
Care Bear Stare!
Kim’s behavior is so sad. I’m glad she is leaving/left Ken since he doesn’t seem to be good for her mental health.
I was lol at the camera switching back and forth between the ladies & the doc at the table, and Kim in the bathroom. Such drama.
And I agree, how spontaneous was it that Cedric was there all mic’d up.
Kim actually was at the table, tvgasm had a link that shows the pictures. Bravo just edited her out.
Cedric and Bernie the chef could be buddy’s. They lived next door to eachother for years.
“Ken works in Greenland now. He commutes in one of those clouds that the Carebears fly around in.”
I. Die.
Jennifer from Dr. Drew said in an article that Kim was in the bathroom back and forth all night long and that it was not just that one time everyone was waiting outside the door but a string of many various times thru the whole night. She eventually let Jennifer in when Ken left the room and took Jen’s phone number.
WTF is that asshole chef who hates Lisa doing at the party? Then Cedric…then the waitress that boffed Cibrian while Brandi was pregnant….a little TOO conicidental Bravo producers…..come on…we aren’t that naive.
Don’t forget Adrienne complained about Paul’s ex-gf being there.
I’ve love these group events, it’s so fun to watch the people in the background angling to get into each and every shot. Take for example the women between Adrienne and Kyle in the photo above….she was with Kyle when Kyle started to cry and then as Kyle was passing Lisa, she was next to Lisa. She is time warping to make it into each shot. (that or sketchy editing).
The photos are great, but your words are always better B-side!
I would love to find out what the hell Kim is actually on. And shame on Kyle for letting her continue to be exploited on this show. Although, I suppose she is not entirely responsible.
Cedric is totally Felix the Cat..I am giggling as I type it.
I don’t know what it says about me, but I feel no sympathy for Taylor. She seems like a fraud. I feel sorry for her daughter.
Kyle needs a stylist. Her body isn’t made for dresses or sleeveless. She looks great in separates, but the dresses have been a disaster.