Once again, a soup scandal ROCKED the world of Downton Abbey last night for the fourth time in seven episodes. The first soup incident occurred when Daisy attempted to sabotage Mrs. Burns’ soup by tossing some vile ingredient into the pot. The second such disaster happened when poor Carson nearly keeled over and died during soup service just two weeks ago. The third catastrophy of course was when Branson attempted to serve cow poop instead of soup, delaying the soup service an egregious ten minutes, and the fourth soup incident occurred just last night as Mrs. Burns was discovered to be running a soup kitchen out of Isobel Crawley’s humble home. Scandal indeed!
Mrs. Burns had converted the household into a soup kitchen in the wake of Isobel heading off to France where she felt her services would be more welcomed. Cousin Cora, you see, had iced her out of the Downton Abbey administrative inner-circle (currently occupied by Cora and… well… Cora). With Isobel abroad and Matthew fighting, poor Mrs. Burns and Molesley had nothing to do but sit around, dust three times, and inspect garments for MOTH. Well, you know what they say about idle hands — they’re the devil’s playthings, and apparently the devil just loves feeding the poor and buying shoehorns.
Yes, while Mrs. Burns used her newfound free time to feed veterans, Molesley attempted to fill the vacancy left by Mr. Bates (and later, crazy Mr. Lang). It looked like he was about to land this primo gig (insert polite giggle of excitement), but then Mr. Bates came back (insert repressed gulp of disappointment). You see, Thomas had heard that Mr. Bates had been working at a public house (THE HORROR) and gossiped about it to his main fruit fly, O’Brien. Of course, Daisy overheard this and blabbed and one thing led to another and next thing we knew, Lord Grantham was off to this SORDID public house to retrieve his prodigal valet.
Poor Molesley didn’t know what had hit him. And here he had just purchased a fancy new shoehorn for Robert. Mr. Bates happily relieved him of the gadget, and the sad man had to return back down the hill to Mrs. Burns, still a valet without a lord. He’s certainly becoming the Edith of the “downstairs.”
As for the Edith of the upstairs, she was busy putting together a very dumb concert for the convalescing soldiers. The centerpiece of the evening was Mary warbling through some standard, all the while hoping that her Matthew would come back home to her, Cold Mountain style. You see, Matthew (and William) had gone off on a patrol and been surrounded by Germans. Their fates were now unknown. I never truly believed that either one of them had died, but it certainly seemed like a perilous situation, what with all that shaky camera work and close-ups of trees and grass! It was not unlike many a home video I shot when I was fifteen.
The good news was that Matthew popped up in the middle of the concert, and everyone rushed over to welcome him home. William, it should be noted, was by his side, but all he got was a middling glance from Daisy (who doesn’t even like the silly bloke).
All’s well that ends well! And now that we’re in 1918, here’s to hoping we wrap up this whole convalescent home thing quite soon. Chop chop!
“Granny, you look not well.”
“Quite the conTRARy! I am feeling very well. Although… I’m starting to think that after eighty years of afternoon walks and sitting on benches, it might be time for a new hobby.”
“Cousin Cora, might I have a word with you?”
“I’m afraid not. I’m writing letters before dinner!”
“I just wrote a letter to Robert’s sister Lady Rosamund Painswick. But I dated it from 1919 instead of 1918. She’ll have EVER the scare!”
“HEAVENS! She’ll think it from the future!”
“I can be very naughty!”
“It is precisely that naughtiness I come to discuss with you. It has come to my attention that you have ordered the linens to be cleaned a full half-hour later than the previously agreed upon — and much lauded — laundry schedule.”
“Hmmm… yes, that’s right. It would seem that a later laundry schedule might allow more time for writing letters before dinner.”
“I should find it appropriate to remind you that SOME of us need to write letters before dinner as well.”
“Yes, that’s right.”
“And perhaps, Cousin Cora, you may have overlooked the very important fact that cleaning the linens a full thirty minutes later means that those of us on the previous, warmly embraced schedule now have a shortened window in which to write our letters before dinner.”
“It would appear that way, yes.”
“And as it is my duty to run this household AND write letters before dinner, I would think such daring a change in schedule would be discussed with me, unless I am not to be taken seriously in my role here at Downton Abbey.”
“Oh, I assure you, Cousin Isobel, that we take you VERY seriously here.”
“Cousin Cora, I may not be of the titled class, but I do have quite a bit of authority that I implore you to recognize.”
“OH HELL NAW.”
“You… you disagree?”
“You interrupted my letters before dinner — my PRE-DINNER LETTERS, mind you — for THIS??”
“Cousin Cora, I will not stay where I am not appreciated.”
“So you’ll be leaving us? How sad.”
“Perhaps I will. Perhaps I’ll go to Paris!”
“What a wonderful idea!”
“I repeat, I will be GOING TO PARIS.”
“Heavens, I would hate for you to miss the next train on account of me holding you up!”
“COUSIN CORA, perhaps you do not understand the gravity of this situation. I will be leaving for Paris and FLINGING MYSELF OFF THE EIFFEL TOWER!”
“I hear the view up there is lovely!”
“You want me to die, don’t you?”
“Well…”
“HEAVENS!”
“Hullo. I’m afraid I am something of a cockblock.”
“MARY!”
“Yes, I’ve blocked access to the rooster in the paddock. Might someone help free him?”
“Can you imagine me, Molesley, serving at valet to the Earl of Grantham? I can see it now: fixing buttons, brushing away dust, checking for MOTH. You know how I love checking for moth.”
“It is your favorite, Mr. Molesley!”
“Oh Mr. Bates! So wonderful to have you back! Please interpret this tasteful distance between us as a sign of my utmost affection!”
“And how have you been, Mr. Bates?”
“Quite well, Mrs. Hughes. I’ve been working in a public house.”
“A PUBLIC HOUSE? NOT UNDER MY WATCH! GET OUT!!!”
“Oh Mr. Bates! My loins are tingling! Heavens!”
“Please, Anna. Don’t be so lewd with your advances.”
“I’m coming!! I’m coming!!! I’m here to tend to Lord Grantham’s moth!! I’m [pant pant] here!!!”
“Mr. Bates is the new valet? But I just bought a shoehorn for his Lordship. It’s made of bamboo! Very well. Give me one moment to repress my disappointment. One moment. There we go. I must be off to write letters before dinner.”
“Ladies, do we prefer hats flat like O’Brien? Or askew like mine? Please be honest.”
Daisy: “I like it flat like O’Brien.”
Mrs. Patmore: “DAAAAAISSSY! One more word out of you, and you’ll be shot for cowardice!”
“Stupid Mary getting to sing all the time. What about ME? At least I didn’t kill a Turk with my loins. Heavens.”
“♫ Downtown Abbey we come together singing all as one / We have shared another season’s talent, play, and fun! ♬”
“We survived the war for THIS?”
“Her voice truly is dreadful.”
“♬ ♩ Join hands and hearts and voices / Voices, hearts and hands ♬”
“Honestly, we’d be better off with Edith singing, and she likes TRACTORS.”
“Maybe someone should invite Sir Richard CarLYLE to sing instead. Or a Southern Italian, as long as we’re inviting inappropriate figures into our home.”
“♫ At Downon Abbey the friendships last long / As the mountains stand ♬”
“Oh my God…”
“What? Is it a farmer??? Oh. Just Matthew.”
“♫ Now I’ve… had… the time of my life… no I’ve never felt like this before… yes I swear… it’s the truth… and I owe it all to you– ♫”
“♫ ‘Cause I’ve… had… the time of my life… and I owe it all to youuuuuu ♫”
“HEAVENS.”
“Mrs. Hughes. Please help me.”
“What is it?”
“I can’t.”
“Is this about your hat?”
“No.”
“Is it about your robe?”
“No.”
“Well, I’m afraid I can only assist with hat and robe matters.”
“Please.”
“Shall I keep guessing then?”
“I would like that very much.”
“Is it about your hair?”
“No.”
“Good God, woman. Just tell me what the matter is.”
“I’m with child.”
“And where is the child?”
“I’m WITH child.”
“I have no time for this nonsense.”
“I’m pregnant.”
“…”
“Please say something.”
“HEAVENS!!!”
What did you think about this episode?
No comments!?? HEAVENS!
It’s like a soup-scandal all over again. Please keep recapping this series, it’s hilarious, and I keep missing the airing on tv so it’s my only way to keep even somewhat abreast of what’s happening. 🙂
Oh man, I love a Dirty Dancing reference and in the middle of Downton Abbey, it’s even better!!
I love this show, but hate the tacky war special effects. Heavens!
I’ve had the time of my life reading these recaps–in full English accent with character infections, mind you.
The Dirty Dancing interruption was HILARIOUS. Keep these up!