REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS PHOTOCAP: Night of Beauty, Seances

There are two things that every cast member on any Real Housewives excels at: getting cosmetic procedures and interacting with the dead. Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills gave us all that and more! The first half of the show focused on an open-house of sorts at Paul’s practice. He invited the ladies to show up and enjoy various non-surgical procedures in what was amusingly dubbed “Paul’s Night of Beauty.” It was rather similar to what I call Ben’s Night of Beauty, except that instead of tightening up my body with lasers and needles, I just sit around and eat chocolate-covered almonds.

Anyway, we spent entirely way too much time at Paul’s Night of Beauty (or P-NOB), but it wasn’t all for naught. We learned some important things. For instance, the reason why Kim has been acting so erratic and intoxicated is because she’s apparently mixing three different medications, all of which have scary names full of “-one” and “-ox” sounds. It seemed like a rather logical culprit for her behavior; although, I’m not sure the crystal meth conspiracy theorists will be sated.

Also during P-NOB, Lisa managed to once again foist food on Taylor. I love Lisa, but even I have to admit this is kind of rude. Anyone knows that the way to help an anorexic is not to make them feel self-conscious about their eating. Clearly, Lisa must do the next logical thing: enroll Taylor in the Starting Over house. Oh, if only it were possible…

Anyway, Taylor of course did not appreciate being forced to eat (she had an amazing excuse this time, saying that her face is genetically skinny and incapable of filling out), and she later bristled when Lisa confronted her about an email that Russell had sent her. The thrust of the cyber missive was that everything was just hunky dory in the Armstrong household (nnngaaaah) and that things were better than ever (this was when every viewer engaged in awkward sidelong glances and throat-clearing). Interestingly enough, Russell had sent this email only to Lisa, and so she asked Taylor why he had done that. She simply brushed it all off and left but later bitched about Lisa to Kyle, saying that she had been going around town telling people that Taylor had no friends. I didn’t really believe it (despite an earlier scene of Lisa insisting that Taylor and Camille weren’t friends). Here’s the thing: Taylor allegedly learned about these rumors from Camille, who claimed that Lisa had called her up making these friendless accusation. Yes, this was LITERALLY a game of telephone, and if Taylor had any brains in that genetically narrow head of hers, she would think to herself that maybe, just maybe, something was misinterpreted somewhere along the way. After all, Camille doesn’t have the best reputation when it comes to clearly interpreting the things people say.

Speaking of Camille, why is she awesome this season? The last time I remember a villain so quickly becoming a hero was when Shereé screamed at that party planner on the second season premiere of Atlanta. Weird things happen in Beverly Hills.

One of those weird things was the seance that dominated the second half of the episode. Yes, Kyle decided to have all the ladies over to commune with the dead, resulting in many laughably casual utterances of the word “seance.” As in, “Are you coming to the seance tomorrow?” or “I have to get dressed before the seance.” In what world is it totally normal to say such things unironically without the slightest hint of a laugh to recognize the absurdity of it all?

Anyway, Kyle’s favorite psychic Rebecca held sway at a candle-ridden table that featured not only all the ladies (minus Kim, who was moving), but also the Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick and… dunh dunh dunh… Brandi! The producers must have been rubbing their hands in anticipation of drama, but nope! No drama! Just a bunch of lame readings by Rebecca, who perpetually insisted she was delivering highly specific information but really only imparted generic tidbits of wisdom. All the women ate it up though, including Lisa, who managed to do an amusing Allison DuBois impersonation along the way. The only thing better was her spot-on Kim impression earlier in the episode. She should incorporate that voice into every one of her interviews — or at least once an episode — if you ask me.

As the episode drew to a close, Kyle trekked out to Kim’s abode in Westlake Village where she learned that a) Kim had been dating Ken for a year, and b) Kim was moving in with him. This resulted in tears and pregnant pauses, and part of me expected Kyle to turn to her sister and say, “Him? Really? Is he funny or something?”

Next week, Kyle and Ken meet (which is strange because apparently he was inside the house the entire time that Kyle and Kim were out on the porch. Doesn’t seem very natural). Screw Kyle’s reaction though. I just want to see what Kathy has to say about Ken. And no, I’m not referring to BIG KATHY (as the mom’s spirit was titled on the “Spirit Present:” Chyron).

So much to look forward to next week, including not just this meeting but what appears to be some sort of Taylor intervention. Bring on the tears!

Kyle: “Wow. Following in the footsteps of Kim Zolciak. My life has reached a new low.”

“You know, when Paul said he was going to do my face, I wasn’t really expecting THAT.”

“Taylor, are you impressed by the silver head of garlic on my neck?”

“Guys, I need to go grab some food. Nothing to heavy though. You know what they say: a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the genetically skinny face!”

“Like I said, I don’t mix any of my meds with alcohol. No, no, no. That would be bad. What about the crystal meth though? Will that cause problems?”

“Of COURSE I didn’t just raid your Ranch Dressing stash. Why would you say that???”

Kim: “Oh gosh. This mirror is FILTHY. How can you use it? I need a… I need… I don’t know… I… I get nervous.”

“Did I get stung by a bee?”

Rebecca: “And so over here, there are not many spirits, but over by the table, this meter shows lots of electrical activity.”
Mauricio: “You know that’s just an old thermostat box, right?”

Adrienne: “So… why aren’t you drunk and yelling at us yet?”

“Mention my children again, psychic, and I WILL KILL YOU!”

“I can tell you when my crumpets and scones will arrive, and what will happen to them. I love that about me. KNOW THAT.”

Rebecca: “I have some very specific information to relay to you from your mother. She says, ‘I’m proud of you.'”
“Oh my gosh! You have a gift.”

Kim: “Hahaha, you totally tucked your shirt in. That’s funny because I left mine out!”
“Quiet, Kim.”

“How could you do this, Kim? You can’t seriously be dating that man. When you brought him to Paris’s premiere, I thought he was just some guy from Slovakia who had won an internet contest. Speaking of which, you have GOT to stop submitting yourself as the prize for Eastern European internet contests.”

What did you think about the episode?