Congratulations to Bravo for singlehandedly bringing utter shame upon me for feeding the machine that is The Real Housewives of New Jersey. All season, I’ve been extolling this revamped cast’s virtues, citing the complex and all-too-real emotional issues that have plagued the Gorga-Giudice households week in and week out. Great drama! The best!
And then little Gia had to go cry and make me feel bad.
Here’s the crux of it. Teresa and Joe decided to throw a notably thrifty (and unsurprisingly more fun-looking) pizza party for their devil-possessed daughter Milania. As you can imagine, this was preceded by many tantrums and tears until finally the party came, and She-Damien settled down and could play with her friends (and pizza). Everyone seemed to be having a blast, despite the cramped environs that recalled LuAnn’s claustrophobic birthday soiree for Jill this past season on RHoNYC, and at the height of the festivities, Gia decided to bust out a song. Uh oh.
First off, let me assure Gillian Staub that her career as sister songstress is not in danger. Gia regaled the crowd with a perfectly cute tune whose melody can best be described as, er, “free-form.” In radio parlance, one might say it lacked a hook. And that’s all I’ll say because Gia is a child and very sweet, and the entire song was a lovely gesture for her to make for her sister.
Lyrically, I was hoping for something a bit more than “Then you were two. Then you were three. Then you were four” etc., but I guess that’s a big ask. Or is it? Once Gia finished her fluffy ode to her sister, she debuted a new, surprise song dedicated to her mom and Uncle Joe.
LET THE HEARTBREAK BEGIN.
I don’t remember the lyrics because I was cringing from uncomfortableness, but in between tears (yes, the girl was CRYING), Gia sang of her mom and her uncle and wishing they would reconcile and stop fighting and stuff like that. This was followed by dire tones of seriousness emanating from the score, which were highly appropriate given how genuinely sad the moment was. Soon, the “adults” began informing us that Gia had been exposed too much to the drama, which is probably true. Blame Teresa for passive-aggressively always throwing her brother and sister in law under the bus in every possible public forum. Also blame Juicy Joe for getting drunk and calling his brother in law a “faggot” at the dinner table.
Nevertheless, watching Gia cry and eventually scold Joe and Teresa when they tried to convince her that everything was okay was rather terrible. Perhaps this family drama shouldn’t be unfolding on national TV and tabloids. Ah, but then what would we be left with? NOTHING! And now my guilt as a complicit party to this mess kicks in.
I suppose I’ll feel better if I talk about the other junk in this episode. In non-heartbreaking news, the cast all participated in a 5K run, which apparently only Teresa, Joe, Kathy, and Rich completed in full. The rest of the gang cheated, which was sort of lame because a) 5K isn’t THAT bad, b) Albie graduated from the Police Academy — surely he could do this, and c) whatever happened to Caroline helping her daughter lose weight? I don’t think Jilian Michaels would let Lauren take a shortcut to the finish line. [insert finger-wagging here]
After this 5K nonsense, we were treated to an extended sequence of the Gorgas visiting the Manzo boys (and Greg) in Hoboken. It started off seemingly boring as they all sat around and listened to Melissa’s stupid song, but then the gang headed downstairs to the W Hotel and let loose — which meant Joe Gorga hopping on Greg’s tall shoulders and finally enjoying the upper altitudes of a room for once. Meanwhile, Lauren and Vito stayed home and molested cheese. Wah wah.
(Oddly enough, I kind of liked Lauren’s night more)
On to the photocap (which is in random order, sorry)!
“I find this pizza process to be rather fascinating. I plan to make one and make it live with me until it is 35 years old.”
Christopher: “No doubt the chicks will LOVE our tiger print chairs.”
Greg: “Just so you know, both you boys are destroying my gay cred with these tiger chairs, not to mention the suit of armor in the corner. Which reminds me: WHY THE EFF DO WE HAVE A SUIT OF ARMOR IN THE CORNER?”
“I hate children.”
“I hate sobriety.”
“I hate cannolis that aren’t made of smaller cannolis.”
“I hate Holy Water.”
Gia: “I suppose now would be a good time for me to announce that I’m now an Orthodox Jew.”
“I like to call my next song: ‘Things I Learned When Daddy Was Drunk at the Dinner Table and Started Talking About My Uncle.'”
“Well, this is uncomfortable.”
“Everything is fine! It’s fine! See, Gia? I’m smiling! There are no problems!! Just sweep it under the rug!!!!”
“I’m really only crying because I’m scared that Milania won’t be the same after her exorcism.”
“This is the LAST time I watch Beaches before a family function.”
“Hey look, Tre. Gia’s crying. Toughen up, Gia. Crying is for sissies — like your Uncle Joe. Ha ha!”
“Gotta get my ingredientses!!!”
“Gotta get my indictmentses!!!!!”
“My hair is NOT square, thank you very much.”
“And Alexa Ray Joel will enjoy these tiger chairs QUITE a bit.”
“WHOA!!! What a different view! Who knew all these people were balding!!!”
Joe: “Nice duds, Albie!”
“Thanks. Scott Baio is my fashion guru.”
Vito: “Let’s be wild tonight.”
“Okay! What do you want to do?”
“How about we watch Wheel of Fortune first and THEN Jeopardy!”
“You may laugh at my outfit, but at least I’m not like Minty Michelin Man in the background.”
Rug: “Um, can someone tell this THING to stop gnawing on me?”
“But I WANT to set the couch on fire!!!”
“I don’t belong here.”
Joe: “Why is Gia reading from the Torah?”
“I dunno. She just decided to be Jewish one day.”
“You know what? I think I do like macaroons after all.”
Teresa: “Why are you wearing my tank top?”
What did you think about this episode?