Congratulations to Bravo for singlehandedly bringing utter shame upon me for feeding the machine that is The Real Housewives of New Jersey. All season, I’ve been extolling this revamped cast’s virtues, citing the complex and all-too-real emotional issues that have plagued the Gorga-Giudice households week in and week out. Great drama! The best!
And then little Gia had to go cry and make me feel bad.
Here’s the crux of it. Teresa and Joe decided to throw a notably thrifty (and unsurprisingly more fun-looking) pizza party for their devil-possessed daughter Milania. As you can imagine, this was preceded by many tantrums and tears until finally the party came, and She-Damien settled down and could play with her friends (and pizza). Everyone seemed to be having a blast, despite the cramped environs that recalled LuAnn’s claustrophobic birthday soiree for Jill this past season on RHoNYC, and at the height of the festivities, Gia decided to bust out a song. Uh oh.
First off, let me assure Gillian Staub that her career as sister songstress is not in danger. Gia regaled the crowd with a perfectly cute tune whose melody can best be described as, er, “free-form.” In radio parlance, one might say it lacked a hook. And that’s all I’ll say because Gia is a child and very sweet, and the entire song was a lovely gesture for her to make for her sister.
Lyrically, I was hoping for something a bit more than “Then you were two. Then you were three. Then you were four” etc., but I guess that’s a big ask. Or is it? Once Gia finished her fluffy ode to her sister, she debuted a new, surprise song dedicated to her mom and Uncle Joe.
LET THE HEARTBREAK BEGIN.
I don’t remember the lyrics because I was cringing from uncomfortableness, but in between tears (yes, the girl was CRYING), Gia sang of her mom and her uncle and wishing they would reconcile and stop fighting and stuff like that. This was followed by dire tones of seriousness emanating from the score, which were highly appropriate given how genuinely sad the moment was. Soon, the “adults” began informing us that Gia had been exposed too much to the drama, which is probably true. Blame Teresa for passive-aggressively always throwing her brother and sister in law under the bus in every possible public forum. Also blame Juicy Joe for getting drunk and calling his brother in law a “faggot” at the dinner table.
Nevertheless, watching Gia cry and eventually scold Joe and Teresa when they tried to convince her that everything was okay was rather terrible. Perhaps this family drama shouldn’t be unfolding on national TV and tabloids. Ah, but then what would we be left with? NOTHING! And now my guilt as a complicit party to this mess kicks in.
I suppose I’ll feel better if I talk about the other junk in this episode. In non-heartbreaking news, the cast all participated in a 5K run, which apparently only Teresa, Joe, Kathy, and Rich completed in full. The rest of the gang cheated, which was sort of lame because a) 5K isn’t THAT bad, b) Albie graduated from the Police Academy — surely he could do this, and c) whatever happened to Caroline helping her daughter lose weight? I don’t think Jilian Michaels would let Lauren take a shortcut to the finish line. [insert finger-wagging here]
After this 5K nonsense, we were treated to an extended sequence of the Gorgas visiting the Manzo boys (and Greg) in Hoboken. It started off seemingly boring as they all sat around and listened to Melissa’s stupid song, but then the gang headed downstairs to the W Hotel and let loose — which meant Joe Gorga hopping on Greg’s tall shoulders and finally enjoying the upper altitudes of a room for once. Meanwhile, Lauren and Vito stayed home and molested cheese. Wah wah.
(Oddly enough, I kind of liked Lauren’s night more)
On to the photocap (which is in random order, sorry)!
“I find this pizza process to be rather fascinating. I plan to make one and make it live with me until it is 35 years old.”
Christopher: “No doubt the chicks will LOVE our tiger print chairs.”
Greg: “Just so you know, both you boys are destroying my gay cred with these tiger chairs, not to mention the suit of armor in the corner. Which reminds me: WHY THE EFF DO WE HAVE A SUIT OF ARMOR IN THE CORNER?”
“I hate children.”
“I hate sobriety.”
“I hate cannolis that aren’t made of smaller cannolis.”
“I hate Holy Water.”
Gia: “I suppose now would be a good time for me to announce that I’m now an Orthodox Jew.”
“I like to call my next song: ‘Things I Learned When Daddy Was Drunk at the Dinner Table and Started Talking About My Uncle.'”
“Well, this is uncomfortable.”
“Everything is fine! It’s fine! See, Gia? I’m smiling! There are no problems!! Just sweep it under the rug!!!!”
“I’m really only crying because I’m scared that Milania won’t be the same after her exorcism.”
“This is the LAST time I watch Beaches before a family function.”
“Hey look, Tre. Gia’s crying. Toughen up, Gia. Crying is for sissies — like your Uncle Joe. Ha ha!”
“Gotta get my ingredientses!!!”
“Gotta get my indictmentses!!!!!”
“My hair is NOT square, thank you very much.”
“And Alexa Ray Joel will enjoy these tiger chairs QUITE a bit.”
“WHOA!!! What a different view! Who knew all these people were balding!!!”
Joe: “Nice duds, Albie!”
“Thanks. Scott Baio is my fashion guru.”
Vito: “Let’s be wild tonight.”
“Okay! What do you want to do?”
“How about we watch Wheel of Fortune first and THEN Jeopardy!”
“Ohhhh VVVVITO!!!!”
“You may laugh at my outfit, but at least I’m not like Minty Michelin Man in the background.”
Rug: “Um, can someone tell this THING to stop gnawing on me?”
“But I WANT to set the couch on fire!!!”
“I don’t belong here.”
Joe: “Why is Gia reading from the Torah?”
“I dunno. She just decided to be Jewish one day.”
“You know what? I think I do like macaroons after all.”
Teresa: “Why are you wearing my tank top?”
What did you think about this episode?
reading from the torah? hating holy water? sir, you really brought the LOL’s this week with the religious references…
i hate to be terrible (no i don’t), but i had to mute both gia songs. i was *so* embarrassed for her. i know that she was just a kid trying her hand at a pop starry sound…but that made it all the more annoying/embarrassing to watch. i just don’t care for christina aguilera…i care even less for 9 year old kids aping ms. aguilera’s manner. this is all very beside the point. the point is that song or no song, all these people are morons and the children, despite their own annoying oddities, often come across as more mature than the adults. i have to think that even fameball-aspirant gia and feral-raccoon child milania would know better than to talk about bathroom issues on national TV as their mom so disgustingly did. ugh.
the manzo/greg clan had me chuckling with their “stupid italian” test prep book joke!
I had to mute it too… I also had to turn away and gag every time Juicy Joe touched/picked/scratched his nose at the pizzeria. Seriously. So gross.
“feral-raccoon child” is absolutely perfect! That Milania & Teresa need a hard spanking. And not by Juicy Joe.
That pic of Al Manzo and the caption: priceless.
1. Am I the only one who cried @ Gia’s song to her mom and uncle? I thought it was sweet & heartfelt. Terribly uncomfortable to sit through, but touching nonetheless.
2. Milania is the devil incarnate. What an evil little troll. But oh so entertaining! Everyone follow @TheRealMilaniaG on Twitter…it’ll have u doubled over with laughter!
SR you weren’t alone. I really felt for her and those adults that have contributed to her ending up in such an emotional state should all be thoroughly ashamed.
I’ll check out Milania on Twitter. I loved how Teresa says she has a soft spot for the little monster and then they show her having a meltdown over a dress.
Did the boys buy that suit of armor at an estate sale of the Guidices?? I seem to recall a similar one in their game room last season…
I was wondering that too…
No, no….they got from Vicki Gunvalson’s rent house.
I believe the Suit of Armor is standard design fare in upscale NJ Italian Households. It means you have arrived.
I have to agree with you Ben, seeing Gia cry bought me to tears as well (A Real Housewife first I think). I believe every child deserves a childhood free of having to deal with adult concepts and dramas but its apparent Gia has been exposed to them and its really damaging her. Lets hope Gia’s public display of emotion will have an affect on the relationship between the Gorgas and Giudices (I’m not holding my breath though).
There was some fun stuff in this episode though such as lots and lots of airtime for Greg who is now officially my favorite Housewife gay. When Joe G ran into Greg’s arms and he was holding him up like a baby koala you could hear Melissa saying “I swear you like men,just admit it” I love that Greg and Joe seem to be enjoying a bromance and it serves as a comparison to those disgusting homophobic comments made by Joe Giudice in the last episode. I have to admit I’m happily in Team Gorga right now.
The funniest scene of the episode was when Lauren and Vito were making some gloop in the kitchen sink and they played sexy times porno music. Out of all the cast those two are last on my list of desired sex tape participants (maybe just ahead of Caroline and Albert)
LOL…this is classic.
The cheating at the race was just ridiculous. What a bunch of lazy asses. You would think they would try a little harder knowing you’re being filmed. Love Kathy and Rich. I’d say something nice about Teresa but she made a snotty comment about Kathy and Rich not being thin enough with all their running. Ugh. She’s horrible.
The Gia thing was sad. She is a very sensitive kid and they seem to be constantly traumatizing her–Joe Gorga at the christening taking swings at people, her father with the drunken hallway gymnastics resulting in a chipped tooth, Teresa with all her pettiness and insistence that she is the victim–it’s all too much for me and I’m an adult. I hope they watch this episode back and are properly ashamed of their behavior–but I doubt that will happen. They value their egos above their relationships with each other. REALLY SAD.
Great photocap! Hillarious. Now I have to figure out how to get coffee out of my keyboard!
I will never again read this recap whilst eating my lunch. Do you know how gross ranch dressing is on a computer monitor? OMG, “I hate holy water” HIFREAKINGLARIOUS!!!
That comment was one of the funniest things I’ve ever read.
Teresas’ running cracked me up; I don’t know why. It was like watching an alien imitate the way “the humans” run, complete with over-aggressive arm swinging there at the end.
So funny as usual, Bside.
The photocaps were perfect.
Sadly, no matter how much Gia cries, or if the Guidices’ watch this episode, I really don’t think they will change. They just don’t get it.
And talk about auto-tune. Melissa’s song is so tuned up, its ridiculous.
“I don’t belong here”……LOL!!!
Rolling on the floor with laughter. One of the funniest recaps yet. Every single line is just classic. And to think I thought you had lost your hilarious touch of the pen! Shame on ME! I love referencing Gia’s anti-semetic (which she naturally got from her intelligent mother and father) remarks in season one with her now reading of the Torah. Milania getting exorcised. Gabriella not belonging there (she is the real beauty of that family..inside and out).
And let me tell you somethin’: that mozerella screne between Vito and Lauren was almost sexy…until she had to say that it reminded her of the scene from “Ghost”. That just burst the bubble for me. But, the mozerella sure looked yummy and I so miss that being here on the left coast..In Hoboken, 2 places make mutz 3 times a day and when you get it, it’s still warm and so so soft. No where out here habe I found good mutz. Anyone know of a place in S. CA?
And no, my name is not Jordan…..