REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NJ PHOTOCAP: Caribbean Queens

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After months of buildup, the entire cast (minus Ashley, who was too dumb to get her passport in order so she could go on a FREE vacay) headed down to Punta Caña to enjoy sun, waves, and plenty of booze. It looked like a rather wonderful time, and for the most part, there seemed to be a noted lack of drama. The most pressing issue seemed to be finding an isolated corner for Joe and Melissa to have sex in.

Despite the feuding members present, everyone agreed to play nice. That meant no one started up with Teresa as she annoyed everyone with her never ending parade of bikini options. It’s rare that anything can make the Posche Fashion Show seem upmarket, but leave it to Teresa to make wonders happen.

It was highly important for Teresa to wear the proper bikini because let’s face it: the younger, hotter Melissa would be providing ample competition. I’m not even sure it was a competition, but in Teresa’s mind it was, and according to her, she was the hottest thing at the Hard Rock Casino and Resort. Other people, mainly those with eyes and a distaste for sun damage, would argue otherwise.

Nevertheless, despite many fleeting, catty remarks from Teresa, the group seemed to have a blast. There was drinking, there was swimming, and there was flesh — lots and lots of flesh. We even saw Joe Gorga’s round little tushie.

By the end of the episode, it seemed like the family feud had been buried under several liters of piña coladas. However, tensions flared when Teresa and Kathy managed to get into an amusing little spat. It all started when Joe Giudice began talking out of his ass regarding the restaurant industry. As you may remember, he and Teresa have announced plans to open an eatery — a relatively ballsy move for a bankrupt family, what with the failure rate being so enormous. Albert Manzo was more than happy to remind Joe about this, but Joe brushed it all off, suggesting that Albert’s experience as a banquet hall operator didn’t totally qualify him to speak expertly about the restaurant industry. For those wanting to get $11 million in the hole, take notes.

First, Joe denied the notion that he’d have to be working hard and late on weekends with a restaurant. Then, when asked about who would pay the employees, Joe shrugged off the question, saying that it wasn’t that important — it would get taken care of. It’s shocking this man didn’t make it into Harvard Business School.

Amidst all this rampant idiocy, Kathy sauntered into the conversation and mentioned that she didn’t want to open a restaurant anymore because she didn’t want to spend time away from her children. Teresa of course read into this as an indictment of her own parenting skills and tore into Kathy about it. Before we knew it, Teresa was bringing up Audriana-gate at the Christening, allowing us to once again watch Teresa claim that she left her daughter “unattended” not “ALONE.” This, of course, begat footage of Audriana in her stroller — not technically alone or unattended as she was surrounded by Milania and Gabriela. Mother of the year!

Anyway, Teresa yapped away, but for once, Kathy decided not to shut her mouth and walk away. Instead, she defended herself and accused her cousin of twisting words and always having to say “her piece.” As far as arguments go, this one was a light tropical storm on a series known for hurricanes. Still, I was happy to see Kathy hold her ground, and I think we all empathized with Greg, who quietly stood by in horror as his “beloved Kathy” was attacked.

Eventually, at Albert’s urging, Joe Giudice told the ladies to shut up and dragged his wife away. This led to the inevitable postgame report by both sides of the argument (consensus was that Kathy was right), and eventually, Albie Manzo (or was it Chris?) made the funny and accurate prediction that Teresa and Joe were analyzing the fight too, but with third-grader words. Maybe it’s me, but I think it’s awfully generous to suggest Teresa and Joe are capable of harnessing such a high level vocabulary.

Anyway, as the episode ended, there was no indication in the previews that the next Punta Caña installment would feature any of the drama that went down with the group at the hotel. As you may or may not know, the gang got drunk at the hotel and Teresa wound up spraying a cop’s mother-in-law in the eyes with with champagne, causing a massive brawl that resulted in injuries and scandal. Read about it all here.

Were the Bravo cameras there (how could they not be?), and if they were there, will we see the footage? Or is it locked up in litigation? I suppose time will tell. In the meantime, here’s the photocap:

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“You like this bathing suit? I stole it from my daughter’s doll collection.”

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“Gia!! What are you doing in the suitcase?”
“Oh, just the standard fetal position — you know, on account of all the family trauma you’ve stirred up.”

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“Have a great vacation, Mom! One thing: if Milania causes the nanny to hang herself on account of that whole antichrist thing, who should I call?”

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“All yous have to pee too? Word of advice: urinatin’ is hard when you still got a vibrating cock ring on.”

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Worst re-imagining of Aladdin EVER.

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“Oh my gawd! Look at all these couches to have sex on!”

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“Oh man. These throw pillows just made me horny.”

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“For the last time, I do NOT have square hair!”

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“Hey Joe. JOE. Wasn’t I a good blower this morning? JOE. I’m a good blower, huh?”

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“Why do I keep traveling with Teresa?”

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“Desperately using The Secret to make Teresa turn mute.”

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“Hey Joe. JOE. You like this? It looks like there’s an arrow pointing to my vagina. Hey JOE. LOOK AT MY VAGINA. JOE!”

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Melissa: “I’m going to spend this entire vacation finding things that are a few feet tall and STANDING on them!”

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Caroline: “I ate too many of Kathy’s cannolis stuffed with cannolis.”

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Melissa: “As promised, here’s me standing on something a few feet tall!”

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Jacqueline: “Oh my gosh. Melissa, I can’t even sit next to you with a body like that. My only saving grace is knowing that Bravo surely isn’t shooting me from an absolutely hideous angle.”

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Joe: “Let’s go have sex with a dolphin.”

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Greg: “You know what this catamaran needs? More tiger print chairs.”

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Joe: “I’m sick of these knuckleheads. Let’s go back to Jersey and open up that restaurant. You know, the one where we won’t have to work on the weekends and pay our employees.”

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Joe: “This is fun. NOW WHO WANTS TO GO DRIVE A CAR???”

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Kathy: “I wonder when someone will realize I’m wearing a black taco on my head.”

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Albie: “Wow. Look at that water. Crystal clear.”
Joe: “Can’t wait to have sex in it.”
Chris: “And I can’t wait to dive in and deflate my square hair.”

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Greg: “GET ME OFF! I feel like I’m standing on a mushy sack of potatoes.”

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“Hey you want to go drunk driving with me? C’maaaan! It’ll be fun!”

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“Let me tell you something: as beautiful as this beach is, it’s nothing compared to the lush paradise of the planet Pandora. Those Na’vi people know the true meaning of life.”

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“TERESA, I WAS ONLY TALKING ABOUT THE NA’VI PEOPLE, NOT YOU. I would NEVER insinuate that your household is not paradise — although, it does lack a waterfall and a Tree of Souls.”

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“Um, hello. Can someone explain to me the theory of classical mechanics already?”

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“Hey slow down, Kathy. You said Audriana was left alone. That’s incorrect. She was unattended. BIG difference.”
Kathy: “Both unacceptable.”
“Oh yeah. This coming from a woman whose favorite ingredientses are cummin.”

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“Teresa, I’m not going to argue with you. There’s enough chaos on this beach, specifically in the pattern on my outfit.”

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Joe: “SHHHH!! Enough. Let’s go drink and drive.”

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“Wait. I just realized what you’re wearing. Really, Tre?”

What did you think about the episode? Do you think Bravo will air the big brawl? And did Teresa take Kathy’s comment out of context or was Kathy baiting her?

17 replies on “REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NJ PHOTOCAP: Caribbean Queens”

  1. All of Teresa’s bathing suits looked hookerish.
    My favorite line was when Kathy said Juicy Joe looked dry to her. 🙂
    Teresa is in a fantasy land. And Joe isn’t far behind.

  2. Treeeeeee…gosh that woman’s a piece o’ work. The prancing around in the many bikinis? The constant shrieking about what goes on with her husband behind closed doors (Melissa is also guilty of these two tacky offenses). The total inability to deal with plural nouns (luggages, ingredientses). All of this is mildly annoying. What is unBEARable is the neanderthal-like attack mode that woman goes into by making the most illogical connections between peoples’ statements and herself (rather ironic considering how much I think she and Juicy Joe may very well be the missing link between apes and mankind…though maybe that’s giving them too much credit?). I mean, come ON. Kathy says something about being unable to detach from her kids and Tree the pro-magnum sparklette from Franklin Lakes gruff out “Detach. Kids. Attack. You. Me.” It’s positively insane. Loving that Greg though – the astute observations, e.g., about the third graders makes me think he may be gunning for a “World According to Greg” spin off…

  3. I just don’t like Kathy. At all. I think Teresa does all this shit for the show but doesn’t realize it extends beyond filming. I actually feelbad for Juicy. I think he gets caught in the wAke.

  4. This episode has sealed the deal for me about Theresa. I was always giving her the benefit of the doubt and felt bad about the bankruptcy and all that, but now? Oh my gosh, she really is just so annoying and irritating. Yes, she is in shape. But being in shape and being attractive are two completely different things.

    Albert and Caroline have incredible patience. The first piece of evidence is them not saying anything during Theresa’s fashion show of glitter bikinis. The second piece of evidence is the conversation b/w Albert and Joe about the restaurant business. Joe was dismissing Albert’s expertise on owning a restaurant and just shrugging off everything Albert was saying. I really wanted Albert to stand up and yell into that troll’s face something like, “Shut the F up. You are $11 million in debt. What the F do you know about anything?” But, alas, my fantasies didn’t come true b/c the Manzos are awesome.

    I can’t stand Ashley, but it would have been funny to see the interaction b/w her and the cousins if they were sharing that villa. I love how they can make fun of her.

  5. So the cop and his family they beat up is from Chicago and it was covered in the press here. The Manzo’s sons were involved as was their roommate and after reading the articles, I just can’t with these awful people any longer. THUGS. Trashy, disgusting thugs. I think I will be relying on your recaps from here on out as I really can’t stomach these horrible, horrible people. They are really not entertaining for me any longer.

  6. “Eventually, at Albert’s urging, Joe Giudice told the ladies to shut up and dragged his wife away. This led to the inevitable postgame report by both sides of the argument (consensus was that Kathy was right), and eventually, Albie Manzo (or was it Chris?) made the funny and accurate prediction that Teresa and Joe were analyzing the fight too, but with third-grader words. Maybe it’s me, but I think it’s awfully generous to suggest Teresa and Joe are capable of harnessing such a high level vocabulary.”

    I found the Manzo observation to be right on the money! A few weeks ago I had my granddaughter here for a day (right before she went back to school) and we were making (what I call) loaded cookies – choc, chips, pecans, m&ms, etc., and she said “these cookies have more ingredients than the ones I make with mommy.” Second grade and can use the word ‘ingredients’ without any trouble! Whatever college Tre graduated from should close their doors in shame.

    I can’t stand her or her husband. They are grifters and con men (people?) and I hope her ‘fans’ stop supporting them so they have to make a course correction and start doing the proverbial ‘right thing’.

  7. I don’t often wish for Caroline and her schoolmarmish lectures, but man I wish she’d been there for Joes’ idiocy on the beach. The fact that he could actually sit there, 11mil in the hole and not only look down on Albert’s business, but attempt to school him in the ways of the world (“You pay your employees? Sucker!!”) was just remarkable.

    I think Kathys’ remark hit Teresa quite close to home for an entirely different reason than she would ever admit. She has become the breadwinner in her family and spends an great deal of time on the road, away from her family. Her life is book signings and Trade Shows.

  8. Thanks to Teresa, I now have to make a conscious effort to catch myself from pronouncing it “ingredientses.”

  9. Why do Caroline and more specifically, Albert, who seems to hate all parties involved and makes little effort to hide it, continue to go on these group trips? The power of Andy Cohen, I guess. I loved the editing with Theresa modeling her swimsuits (so modest! she might as well be living in Victorian times) and Caroline in agony with the migraine.

    That fight was so stupid. Yeah, Kathy finally stood up for herself, but she did it at the worst possible time/place.

    I feel bad for Jacqueline, she has some serious body image issues happening.

  10. @TheRealMilaniaG is the funniest thing I have seen on the interwebz in a while.

    Bside’s screen caps aside, of course.

  11. While I really like Joe and Melissa, I thought it was really disgusting when he sniffed her bikini bottoms. Just ewwwww.

  12. Joe Gorda…I have no words for that kind of bathroom screwing panty sniffing fuckery.
    What kind of parenting did Joe and Theresa have!

  13. Dude, all I can say is I want to go to Punta Cana ASAP!!!! that place was beautiful*

    *Of course, not nearly as beautiful as Teresa’s gold bathing suit or Juicy Joe’s daisy duke board shorts.

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