After months of buildup, the entire cast (minus Ashley, who was too dumb to get her passport in order so she could go on a FREE vacay) headed down to Punta Caña to enjoy sun, waves, and plenty of booze. It looked like a rather wonderful time, and for the most part, there seemed to be a noted lack of drama. The most pressing issue seemed to be finding an isolated corner for Joe and Melissa to have sex in.
Despite the feuding members present, everyone agreed to play nice. That meant no one started up with Teresa as she annoyed everyone with her never ending parade of bikini options. It’s rare that anything can make the Posche Fashion Show seem upmarket, but leave it to Teresa to make wonders happen.
It was highly important for Teresa to wear the proper bikini because let’s face it: the younger, hotter Melissa would be providing ample competition. I’m not even sure it was a competition, but in Teresa’s mind it was, and according to her, she was the hottest thing at the Hard Rock Casino and Resort. Other people, mainly those with eyes and a distaste for sun damage, would argue otherwise.
Nevertheless, despite many fleeting, catty remarks from Teresa, the group seemed to have a blast. There was drinking, there was swimming, and there was flesh — lots and lots of flesh. We even saw Joe Gorga’s round little tushie.
By the end of the episode, it seemed like the family feud had been buried under several liters of piña coladas. However, tensions flared when Teresa and Kathy managed to get into an amusing little spat. It all started when Joe Giudice began talking out of his ass regarding the restaurant industry. As you may remember, he and Teresa have announced plans to open an eatery — a relatively ballsy move for a bankrupt family, what with the failure rate being so enormous. Albert Manzo was more than happy to remind Joe about this, but Joe brushed it all off, suggesting that Albert’s experience as a banquet hall operator didn’t totally qualify him to speak expertly about the restaurant industry. For those wanting to get $11 million in the hole, take notes.
First, Joe denied the notion that he’d have to be working hard and late on weekends with a restaurant. Then, when asked about who would pay the employees, Joe shrugged off the question, saying that it wasn’t that important — it would get taken care of. It’s shocking this man didn’t make it into Harvard Business School.
Amidst all this rampant idiocy, Kathy sauntered into the conversation and mentioned that she didn’t want to open a restaurant anymore because she didn’t want to spend time away from her children. Teresa of course read into this as an indictment of her own parenting skills and tore into Kathy about it. Before we knew it, Teresa was bringing up Audriana-gate at the Christening, allowing us to once again watch Teresa claim that she left her daughter “unattended” not “ALONE.” This, of course, begat footage of Audriana in her stroller — not technically alone or unattended as she was surrounded by Milania and Gabriela. Mother of the year!
Anyway, Teresa yapped away, but for once, Kathy decided not to shut her mouth and walk away. Instead, she defended herself and accused her cousin of twisting words and always having to say “her piece.” As far as arguments go, this one was a light tropical storm on a series known for hurricanes. Still, I was happy to see Kathy hold her ground, and I think we all empathized with Greg, who quietly stood by in horror as his “beloved Kathy” was attacked.
Eventually, at Albert’s urging, Joe Giudice told the ladies to shut up and dragged his wife away. This led to the inevitable postgame report by both sides of the argument (consensus was that Kathy was right), and eventually, Albie Manzo (or was it Chris?) made the funny and accurate prediction that Teresa and Joe were analyzing the fight too, but with third-grader words. Maybe it’s me, but I think it’s awfully generous to suggest Teresa and Joe are capable of harnessing such a high level vocabulary.
Anyway, as the episode ended, there was no indication in the previews that the next Punta Caña installment would feature any of the drama that went down with the group at the hotel. As you may or may not know, the gang got drunk at the hotel and Teresa wound up spraying a cop’s mother-in-law in the eyes with with champagne, causing a massive brawl that resulted in injuries and scandal. Read about it all here.
Were the Bravo cameras there (how could they not be?), and if they were there, will we see the footage? Or is it locked up in litigation? I suppose time will tell. In the meantime, here’s the photocap:
“You like this bathing suit? I stole it from my daughter’s doll collection.”
“Gia!! What are you doing in the suitcase?”
“Oh, just the standard fetal position — you know, on account of all the family trauma you’ve stirred up.”
“Have a great vacation, Mom! One thing: if Milania causes the nanny to hang herself on account of that whole antichrist thing, who should I call?”
“All yous have to pee too? Word of advice: urinatin’ is hard when you still got a vibrating cock ring on.”
Worst re-imagining of Aladdin EVER.
“Oh my gawd! Look at all these couches to have sex on!”
“Oh man. These throw pillows just made me horny.”
“For the last time, I do NOT have square hair!”
“Hey Joe. JOE. Wasn’t I a good blower this morning? JOE. I’m a good blower, huh?”
“Why do I keep traveling with Teresa?”
“Desperately using The Secret to make Teresa turn mute.”
“Hey Joe. JOE. You like this? It looks like there’s an arrow pointing to my vagina. Hey JOE. LOOK AT MY VAGINA. JOE!”
Melissa: “I’m going to spend this entire vacation finding things that are a few feet tall and STANDING on them!”
Caroline: “I ate too many of Kathy’s cannolis stuffed with cannolis.”
Melissa: “As promised, here’s me standing on something a few feet tall!”
Jacqueline: “Oh my gosh. Melissa, I can’t even sit next to you with a body like that. My only saving grace is knowing that Bravo surely isn’t shooting me from an absolutely hideous angle.”
Joe: “Let’s go have sex with a dolphin.”
Greg: “You know what this catamaran needs? More tiger print chairs.”
Joe: “I’m sick of these knuckleheads. Let’s go back to Jersey and open up that restaurant. You know, the one where we won’t have to work on the weekends and pay our employees.”
Joe: “This is fun. NOW WHO WANTS TO GO DRIVE A CAR???”
Kathy: “I wonder when someone will realize I’m wearing a black taco on my head.”
Albie: “Wow. Look at that water. Crystal clear.”
Joe: “Can’t wait to have sex in it.”
Chris: “And I can’t wait to dive in and deflate my square hair.”
Greg: “GET ME OFF! I feel like I’m standing on a mushy sack of potatoes.”
“Hey you want to go drunk driving with me? C’maaaan! It’ll be fun!”
“Let me tell you something: as beautiful as this beach is, it’s nothing compared to the lush paradise of the planet Pandora. Those Na’vi people know the true meaning of life.”
“TERESA, I WAS ONLY TALKING ABOUT THE NA’VI PEOPLE, NOT YOU. I would NEVER insinuate that your household is not paradise — although, it does lack a waterfall and a Tree of Souls.”
“Um, hello. Can someone explain to me the theory of classical mechanics already?”
“Hey slow down, Kathy. You said Audriana was left alone. That’s incorrect. She was unattended. BIG difference.”
Kathy: “Both unacceptable.”
“Oh yeah. This coming from a woman whose favorite ingredientses are cummin.”
“Teresa, I’m not going to argue with you. There’s enough chaos on this beach, specifically in the pattern on my outfit.”
Joe: “SHHHH!! Enough. Let’s go drink and drive.”
“Wait. I just realized what you’re wearing. Really, Tre?”
What did you think about the episode? Do you think Bravo will air the big brawl? And did Teresa take Kathy’s comment out of context or was Kathy baiting her?