Not much happened on Sunday’s episode of Big Brother 13. We found out who won HOH, but it wasn’t that surprising based on how things were shaping up at the end of Thursday’s live show. SPOILER ALERT: it was Rachel. With her in power, we knew how everything would shake up: two Kalia and Porsche would most likely wind up on the block and the producers would once again try to mislead us into thinking that Rachel’s hatred for floaters would lead to Adam being nominated. Sure enough, that’s what happened, and thus an hour was spent reaching this rather dull and predictable conclusion.
Luckily, the producers had some tricks up their sleeves. They reintroduced Pandora’s Box, this time with the tempting lure of Tori Spelling. Who can deny that? Probably most anyone (except Adam), and quite frankly, I was rather surprised that Rachel opened the box given how it totally derailed Porsche’s game the week before. The conspiracy theorist in me believes that the producers told her off the record that this would be a harmless twist. Say what you will about Rachel, she’s pretty shrewd when it comes to gameplay, and she wasn’t going to sacrifice her power position for anyone except Booki.
And yet Rachel entered the box anyway, only to find herself face to face with our old favorite idiot, Jessie. I’m not a fan of the muscle-bound munchkin, but I had to admit that his repartee with Rachel was surprisingly amusing. A personal highlight: Jessie asking how to spell Rachel’s name, and she responding “Rachel with an R.” It seemed like a silly clarification, but then again, knowing Jessie, he might just have written “Machel” instead by accident.
While Rachel spent seven minutes in heaven with Mr. Pec-tacular, the rest of the house guests received a visit from a very pregnant Tori Spelling, who put on her best clown makeup for the occasion. Adam was beside himself with joy, happily touring Ms. Spelling around the house while simultaneously showcasing his stalker-ly skills. Tori seemed to enjoy herself, even if she was only in the house for about thirty seconds. No sooner had she arrived than she was out the door again, leaving the players to fend for themselves in a backyard shopping spree. Rachel, of course, missed out on the fun stuff. The only new items she won were crappy t-shirts with Jessie’s face on them. She eventually met up again with her housemates but kept a good attitude about things. In fact, Rachel seemed cool and likable throughout the entire episode. It’s stunning how the separation of Brenchel keeps improving these people…
Anyway, here’s the photocap:
“I love donuts! They make me think of Homer Simpson. And he makes me think of cartoons. And my favorite cartoon was Woody Woodpecker. And he makes me think of birds. And birds make me think of eagles. And eagles make me think of that one Muppet. And that makes me think of Kermit the frog. And frogs are, like, amphibians. And that makes me think of crocodiles. And OH GOSH! I BET A BUNCH OF VILLAGERS IN THE PHILIPPINES JUST CAUGHT A HUGE CROCODILE!!!”
“DOUGHNUT COLLECTORS GRAB YOUR HOH KEYS!!!”
“I just want to know why the small Mexican man on my dresser never gives me tacos when I ask for them.”
“Look! It’s a room full of AWFULNESS!!!”
“SLIGHTLY CHILLY HEAD OF HOUSEHOLD WINNERS GRAB YOUR THROW BLANKETS!!!”
“This is SUCH a Carrie moment. As I sat up in the Head of Household room groveling for my life, I could help wonder: in life, are we all just begging for time? Or is time just begging us for life?”
“So…. I drove my car into fourteen people at a roadside hot dog stand. Is that bad??”
“Do you think that if pineapples could talk, they’d be really cool?”
Rachel: “Oh my gosh! There’s a drag queen on TV!”
“Wait a second… that’s not a drag queen….”
“That’s… that’s… THAT’S BOZO THE CLOWN!!!”
“Nope. It’s me, Tori Spelling!”
“Ohmygosh! Bozo the Clown is doing his Tori Spelling impersonation!!!!!”
“Check out my guns. This is four feet of pure muscle.”
“HOLY CRAP!! It’s a man dressed like a clown dressed like Tori Spelling!”
“Wait… It IS Tori Spelling! EVERYTHING IS RUINED!”
“Hi!!!!!! GIVE ME A COOKIE.”
Jordan: “Oh I just love you on that RuPaul show!”
“Seriously, Jessie. Your boobs are bigger than mine.”
“I like shopping. It reminds me of the mall. And that makes me think of Cinnabuns. And those are, like, sticky. And that makes me think of honey. And honey comes from bees. And that makes me think of the letter B. And there are a lot of words that start with B. You know, like Bachelor. And Ben. OH WOW! I BET THERE’S A GUY NAMED BEN WHO PROPOSED TO A GIRL NAMED ASHLEY ON THE BACHELORETTE, AND NOW HE’S GOING TO BE THE NEXT BACHELOR!!”
“Look at all these hats. I sort of look like Blossom. That makes me think of Joey Lawrence. He was always like ‘Whoa!’ I only say ‘Whoa’ when I see something cool like an explosion. That’s like an action movie — all the smoke and fire. You know, that just makes me realize: I bet there are wildfires all over Texas right now!”
“I would now like to conclude this uneventful episode by nominating the two least surprising candidates ever: Porsche and Kalia. NOMINEES GRAB YOUR INVISIBLE KEYS (because you don’t have them).”
What did you think about the episode?