At the end of Sunday’s episode of Big Brother, the ever curious Porsche decided to jeopardize her entire game for $5,000 by opening Pandora’s Box. In the process she managed to unleash a heinous twist on the house: duos were back for one week, which meant that pairs would be nominated as a whole and saved as a whole. Clearly, this was to the advantage of Jordan and Rachel, the presumed nominees, who now had a shot of both skating away Scot free this week. Did everything shake out the way they (and the producers) wanted it? Results after the jump…
In short, yes.
Porsche nominated the last remaining vets, but it didn’t really matter since the Veto was really the deciding factor this week. Sure enough, the producers saddled the players with an endurance competition that had house guests grappling onto dummies that represented their former partners. If there had been any doubt that the fix was in for the vets, surely it was expelled by now. Clearly, this competition was designed to favor the likes of Rachel and Jordan (even though the latter girl fell off relatively quickly). Actually, I shouldn’t say that it favored the vets. It’s more like it DIDN’T favor Shelly and Adam. Shelly, of course, is incapable of winning a single competition, especially if it involves physical stamina or strength. And Adam, well, he’s a big guy, and this sort of physical endeavor isn’t quite what he’s built for. The poor guy fell off his dummy first, beating himself up afterwards for being too fat. I felt bad. And then, as is always the case with Adam, I forgot he was even on the show.
Jordan followed soon after, followed ultimately by Shelly and Porsche. No shocker that Shelly couldn’t hang on (it probably doesn’t help that she smokes like a chimney — a habit she should probably drop if she truly is in an alleged “alliance” with her husband and daughter). It was more surprising that Porsche fell so quickly. After all, she came in second place in the hanging banana competition, I believe, but that was also several weeks and several snacks ago. It’s amazing with a shiny new muffin-top can do for one’s gravitational woes.
Ah, but I’m being cruel. Porsche is far from overweight (but it IS fun to see who’s gonna be the big snacker of the season — memories of Amber and Jun). Kalia, meanwhile, who’s significantly larger than Porsche managed to hang on (and fart) for a good amount of time, but eventually she too fell, leaving Rachel as the victor. Of course, Rachel won the aforementioned hanging banana competition too; so this wasn’t hard to predict. THE FIX IS IN.
Well, with Shelly and Adam going up on the block by default, it was time for newbies to hustle. Adam, of course, did nothing. Shelly, however, set about mending fences. First she cornered Jordan and had a nice heart-to-heart wherein she noted for the umpteenth time that she was in an alliance with her family. UGH. Later, after the two mended, Shelly offered up her undying loyalty to Jordan and Rachel, saying she would throw HOH competitions and do whatever she could to help them win the game. Shelly, you spineless fool! Now you’re going to betray the newbies you just allied up with?
Ah, but not so fast. Shelly admitted to us that she had no intention on following through with her plans. It all just makes me wonder: is Shelly just shrewdly scheming her way out of a hole? Or is she just a snake? Hmmm…
“JORDAN! Because of Pandora’s Box, if one of us wins the Veto, we’ll both be safe. Do you realize what this means???”
“Huh?”
“I wonder… is this envelope edible?”
“Wow! This box is heavy. Maybe I should quit stashing Mallomars inside it.”
“Okay, I’m gonna make this quick because my monthly window of being sharp is about to close: y’all better work with us. I mean, I know Rachel is the worst and a total liar, but it’s your best option.”
“Yeah… wait, what???”
“Think about it: Rachel may be annoying as hell, and she may run her mouth, and she may sometimes smell like rancid olives, but she’s our best option.”
“This bitch….”
“PANDORA’S BOX OPENERS GRAB YOUR ONLY OPTION!!!”
“I like this orange soda. It reminds me of Sunkist. And that makes me think of Minute Maid. And I never had a maid growing up, but I always wanted that robot lady from the Jetsons. What’s her name? Rosie? That makes me think of Rosie O’Donnell. She was on The View. And there’s a great view on top of the Empire State Building. I wonder who has to change the lights on the tippy top. I wouldn’t want that job. There are plenty of other jobs I’d want. I could be a delivery man and bring people packages. That’s a fun job. Wait a second…. I bet President Obama’s gonna address the country about a job package, isn’t he???”
“I am sick of this, BRO! I’m in only one alliance, and that’s with my husband, my daughter, and my jockstrap.”
“This is such a Carrie situation. I couldn’t help but wonder: in life, are we hanging on to a bunch of dummies, or are we the dummies for not letting go?”
“HOOOO-WEEEEE!! Kalia’s farting was CAH-RAY-ZEEEEE!!!!”
“Listen, Cassie-dummy, I want to hold on, bro, but you gotta know something: I only have one alliance, and that’s with my husband and my daughter. Also, my balls really hurt.”
“Ain’t no one getting between me and MY effigy of Booki!”
“VETO WINNERS GRAB YOUR DUMMY FIANCÉ’S FEET AND PRETEND THEY’RE REAL!!!”
“I’m so upset I might dress up like Chester the Cheetah again and mope around this house.”
“Jordan, I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but I’ve had only one alliance this whole game, and it’s been with my husband and my daughter.”
“YES SHELLY. WE GET IT.”
“Don’t mind me. I’m just fantasizing that I’m kissing your pretty little lips.”
“Shelly really stabbed me in the back. Makes me think about knives. And that’s like that song Mack the Knife. I think that’s jazz. And jazz sounds like Chazz. And I just realized that Chazz Bono is totally on this season of Dancing with the Stars!!”
Shelly: “So just to clarify, BRO, my alliance is with my husband and my daughter–“
“YES I GET IT. SHUT UPPPPPP.”
“Here’s what I propose: MUUUUUURDER.”
Kalia: “It’s crunch time.”
Porsche: “If you mean Nestle Crunch time, then yes. Yes, it is.”
“VETO HOLDERS GRAB YOUR RENEWED LEASE ON LIFE!!!”
What did you think about the episode? Does Shelly have any chance? And do we appreciate her scheming with Jordan and Rachel, or does it make her loathsome?
Another great recap, Ben. Only thing missing in Rachel’s comments are the word “like” every three or four words.
No, no. Rachel says it every 6-7 words. Dani says it every 4-6 words. Porsche says it every 3 words. Kalia says it + “literally” every sentence.
Like, I guess, like, you’re correct. Like. 🙂
lol @ “the lights on the tippy top” – sometimes the littlest things you write are the funniest of the whole thing.
I know what you mean…like Jordon saying Rachel may smell like rancid olives..rancid olives??? and Shelly does resemble Chester the Cheetah.
B-Side cracks me up!
Let’s hope Shelly walks his ass out of the door tonight.
I love the Jordan thinking photocaps, they are so true.
Poor Porsche… She needs to stop putting the dryer on hot so her clothes will stop shrinking. I don’t see how her job as a VIP waitress will allow her to wear poorly-fitting sweat suits.
Rachel was given the banana HOH comp many duos didnt try because they didnt want a target so early in the game. Porche or Kalia should have won the “dummy” comp. Jordan never has had much upper body strenght. So the comp was really Porche and Kalia against Rache with odds being against Rachel and Jordan . Porche and Kalia said they were the strongest players left in the game so maybe they need to eat some crow and not so many cookies.
Shelly’s lips make me nauseous every time he puckers up and blows a kiss.
I totally agree! When she is casting her vote I cringe every time!
p.s. when I first read your comment I read “nauseous” as “nervous.” They both apply!
I feel like she is blowing disgusting smoke kisses to all of america when she does that.
“Here’s what I propose: MUUUUUURDER.”
L…M…F…A…O! TOO fucking funny, B!
Best single-photo-cap EVARRR!
OMG, muffin top SOOO true!!
In all sincerity and humility I have to admit that after 13 seasons of BB now believe producers may be manipulating parts of the game.
In the past I have blown off conspiracy theorists in favor of believing that the good luck pendulum swings to anyone playing the game.
This is the 1st Pandora’s box that was game changing. The hanging POV and then the donut HOH (I would have put Big Money on the odds of 1 specific individual for the win in the Donut HOH).
I am going to write Santa a Letter at the North Pole and tell him to add Allision G to his naughty list immediately.
By the way Ben you are a much better Carrie Bradshaw then Kaila would ever be.
And frankly you are a better Jordan than Jordan (and that’s a bit scary).
Alakazaam-inrfoamtion found, problem solved, thanks!
“if you mean Nestle Crunch time then yes. Yes it is”. High-lar-ious.
I have to say, I love it each time Kalia’s thoughts equate a Sex and the City quandry.