The Holiday Season continues on The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Christmas is over, and New Years has arrived. This can only mean one thing: mass drunkenness. Yes, the entire cast gathered at the Brownstone to ring in 2011, and despite what the previews had suggested, there was very little by way of drama. Richie and Joe Giudice called each other names, but it turns out it was all in good (drunken) fun. And I mean VERY drunken fun. Joe Giudice looked positively wasted. It’s shocking that no fist fights broke out. It’s even more shocking that Joe didn’t try to drive home and then convince us he fell asleep at the wheel (and then chugged a keg because he was so rattled).

Yes, New Years was without drama, but there were some notable moments in the episode. Ashley, it turns out is an artist. That doesn’t mean she’s not an idiot. The spoiled girl attempted to score a free (underage) drink at the Brownstone in front of television cameras, which she had to have known was about as hopeless as her being a successful artist (WITHOUT THE HELP OF CLIENTS, which she apparently doesn’t want). Needless to say, she was shot down.

Elsewhere in the episode, Teresa continued to be a massive bitch towards her sister-in-law and Kathy. Of course, Melissa’s not innocent either, what with every other sentence of hers dripping with vaguely passive-aggressive insinuations, but at least she seems a bit more forthright and realistic than Teresa, who maintains the delusional notion that she’s actually nice and all about family. There are so many lies that Teresa tells herself, it’s hard to feel any compassion for her. Even the simplest things seem coated in delusions. Take, for instance, a mere playdate for the cousins. Teresa was supposed to have her kids over to Melissa’s in the general neighborhood of 3:45 PM. She didn’t make it over until three hours later, all because Milania was apparently too difficult to get dressed. Maybe this is an overstatement, but any parent who can’t dress their kid in three hours is an epic failure.

Of course, to Teresa’s credit, Milania is a terror. She always has been, and watching her call her mom an “old troll” with no repercussions or seeing her fling her clothing all about her room with only a light scolding revealed why she’s the disaster that she is. Makes me want to vom.

Here’s the photocap:

“I love art! I love it almost as much as being AWFUL.”

“Oy, my granddaughter is really terrible.”

“Well, I’m off to do nothing with my life!”

“Ashley, your t-shirt ideas are, like, so BAD that I almost would rather spend the rest of 2010 NOT being invited to my brothers’ apartment than sit and look at these sketches.”

“You think you know it all, but, like, I don’t have to listen to clients. I don’t even WANT clients. Heck, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT CLIENTS ARE.”

“You really are dumb, you know that?”

“I think I’m pretty smart.”

“I will not have FACE BY LAUREN MANZO ruined by you! Now get out of here before you embarrass CHATEAU: THE ART OF BEAUTY.”

“Mommy, I need more drawers to DESTROY.”

“OH MY GOD SNUFFLEUPAGUS IS AT THE DOOR!!! Oh wait. It’s just Aunt Teresa.”

Melissa: “Oh my gosh I forgot how much of a BITCH you are, sis!”

“You wanna contribute to my cookbook??!?! Does your recipe have cummmmin or somethin’? You know I don’t like exotic ingredientses.”

“Did I tell you how excited I am for my new sawng?”

“Singing? Really? I hate you so much.”

“Ugh. I hope my awful daughter isn’t at the party tonight.”

“When I grow up, I want to look like Jillian Michaels!”

“Listen, Kathy. I’m sorry that I wore Na’vi blue tonight, but you just have to get over the whole Avatar thing.”

“You know what, Melissa? I really don’t want to talk to you right now. I was trying to honor the kind people of Pandora, but obviously you don’t want that.”

“Happy New Year, you cocksucking broke motherfucker!”
“And you too, you terrorist ass muncher.”
“Anytime, you fat squirrel raper.”
“Haha, that was a good one, dickwad scumbag Jeff Goldblum dingleberry-slurper!”

“Listen, Gabriella. I’m wasted; so I’m going to tell you this only once. I’m not your father.”

“I love Kathy. She’s family. I love family. I’m the nice one. Even though she’s a bitch that I never want to hang out with, I’M THE NICE ONE.”

“Uh oh. My head’s about to roll off my neck.”

“I just took a shower.”

“Hahahahhahaa look at all our friends’ awful children!”

“Hey, Albie. Way to lock down Alexa Ray Joel for New Years. Hahahahhhahaaaa.”

15 replies on “REAL HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: New Year, Old Mooks”

  1. I wonder if Teresa doesn’t discipline her kids because the cameras are around – and she’s the “nice” one! – or because she just doesn’t have a clue. If my kids ever acted like that….oh boy….

  2. LOL, love the captions. Esp. The Milania growing up to look like Jillian Michaels and I’m not your father Gabriella. Too funny

  3. WHY is Millania always rummaging through things?? It’s troubling that her parents aren’t disturbed by her behavior. Although. . . a lot of their behavior is troubling.

  4. “I just took a shower” HAHAHAHAHAHA OMG!!!!! Laughing so hard. I thought the same thing every time Caroline was in the scene.

  5. Milania = karmic retribution, Tre

    Caroline, honey, people might tell you that your hair looks good like that but they’re ly-inggg… stop it.

  6. I could watch Milania all day. I just love her. I am glad she is not mine though. Gabriella looks just like her dad. Why doesn’t Ashley’s mother and or father make her work full time or go to school..or marry her off.
    Love your recaps.

  7. If they think Millania is hard to disipline now just wait a few years. She is not getting any disipline! what is wrong with these women, they are all mean, vindictive especially
    teressa. I don’t know if it’s for the cameras or if they are all that disfunctional. It’s not entertaining anymore to watch,they all need HELP.

  8. I know that Gabriella doesn’t look like the other ones BUT during the Christmas episode, while her and Milania were opening presents, they looked like twins- and not just because of the matching 80’s outfits. Their facial features seemed so similar.

    Kathy could not look worse in that picture.

    Carolyn should NOT wear her hair like that.

  9. ok meanwhile, why are the kids still in jammies at 3:45pm???? Don’t get me wrong, I have let it happen with my kids and done it myself but usually on special occasion, Christmas day or a wild weekend when we slept in late. Anyway they were late for the playdate, and in jammies until late afternoon, then took 3 hours to get dressed. ugh!!

  10. I have to say, the banter between Joe and Jeff Goldblum was kind of uncomfortable, like they were really seething but trying to not get in a fight but really did want to kill each other. Another thing I noticed was when Teresa was at Melissa’s house being incredibly snide, transparent and dumb, it did seem that Gia was kind of getting into with. She was the first one between to two Guidice females to try to bait Melissa into singing in kind of a taunting way. I don’t like picking on kids, so I think this is just a typical example of a child taking up a parent’s dumb battles and negative energy. That’s a shame.

    1. I thought the conversation b/w Troll-dad and Jeff Goldblum was tense. Way too many f-bombs and what have you for 40-something year old dads to be using. Weird.

  11. Joe Guidice looked so wasted, and acted like an ass. Richie wasn’t acting that much better.
    Teresa’s constant use of “yous” drives me nuts. In the car, she kept saying yous to her kids. Trying to get Teresa and Kathy together at these big parties, is a stupid idea. They need privacy to say whatever they have to say, and just nod to each other at the parties. Kathy seems to have very thin skin when it comes to Teresa just looking her way.
    Caroline’s hair did look pretty bad. Thank heaven when I have a bad hair day it’s not on tv.

  12. Your Christopher commenting to Albie comment was so perfect ….You make me laugh so loud. I love it. Feels so good. Keep on doing the hard work of watching and recapping these insufferably ignorant (except Kathy and children) people on TV.It must sometimes feel like torture to make us all feel so good. Bravo to you, B!

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