For what feels like the twelfth consecutive week, it’s still Christmas on The Real Housewives of NJ, and it looks like Santa delivered at least one gift early: Kim G! Yes, in what appeared to be Kim G’s swan song, the kookiest lady of Franklin Lakes finally got the Caroline Manzo treatment, replete with angry eyes and berating. What a joyous sight it was. I just hope this isn’t the last of ol’ Kimmy G. She might be trouble, but how can you stay angry at that silly old bat as she jogs oddly from house to house like a discarded Ruth Buzzi character.
Alas, we’ve had some good times with Kim G, and I think we’ll continue to have many more. Heck, I had a fun time just naming this post. There were so many Christmas puns to work with. Very few made sense, but they were fun nonetheless: “Have Yourself a Merry Little Kim G,” “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Kim G,” “Jingle Granatells,” “A Partridge in a Kim G,” “Do They Know It’s Kim G? (Feed the World)” or similarly, “Do They Know It’s Christmas? (Feed Kim G)”
Oh I could go on.
And I will: “There’s No Place Like Kim G for the Holidays,” “Let It Kim G! Let It Kim G! Let It Kim G!” “Kim G Roasting on an Open Fire,” “Kim G Is Comin’ To Town,” “I Saw Kim G Kissing Santa Claus,” and perhaps most appropriate for Caroline, “Deck the Kim G.”
Naturally though, I had to side with Mariah’s seminal Christmas song for the pun because quite frankly, it’s true. I don’t want a lot for Christmas. There’s just one thing I need. I don’t care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree. I just want Kim G for my own, more than Kim G could ever know. Make my wish come true. All I want for Christmas is… Kim G.
So here’s what happened for those needing a refresher. After the Morally Corrupt Monica Chacon left Melissa’s Christmas party, Kim G began running her ducky-lipped mouth, all within earshot of Caroline Manzo. Momma Bear was not happy about this and finally had it out with Ms. Granatell (thanks to Lauren, who got the ball rolling by telling Kim G to stop with the dramz). Caroline accused Kim of coming to the party with the intention to hurt and cause drama, an accusation that Kim G denied vehemently (even though it was blatantly true). Tensions escalated, and then Caroline and her entire family KICKED Kim G out of the party (that wasn’t theirs, mind you).
I truly felt bad for Christopher, who as you might remember is best friends with Kim’s son. The kid tried to mollify the situation, and quite frankly, he was doing a great job. He calmed Kim G down, and it wasn’t until Albie came busting into the conversation that everything went haywire again. Needless to say, Kim G left, and then the entire Manzo clan retired to a random room where they discussed the situation mournfully. Poor Christopher had tears in his eyes and he struggled to emotionally balance his best friend and his fam. As much as Kim G deserved the verbal spanking, Caroline should never have done it in front of Christopher.
Later in the episode, we got a new glimpse into why the Gorgas are so deranged. Kathy’s lovely mother told a story about how in her youth, she and her brother (Teresa and Joe’s dad) didn’t speak for years over an argument about $100. It was a moving moment that further contextualized the immense feud we’ve been watching unfurl. Clearly Teresa and Joe inherited their father’s stubbornness, much to the detriment of their families. Nevertheless, Kathy is still the best, and her mom is even better.
On the other end of the spectrum is Ashley, the spoiled nitwit who managed to be even more insufferable this week than ever before. As she and the family gathered around the Christmas table, Jacqueline asked her what her Christmas wish or New Years resolution would be. Ashley’s response: that her stepfather Chris would like her.
Oh ccccccmmmmmaaaaan. This stupid bitch is going to pull that when Chris has been nothing but supportive and generous (ahem, JEEP). What an idiot. I mean, this was stupid even for Ashley.
Next week she apparently doesn’t get her mom a birthday gift. Oy.
To the photocap!
“I just want you to know that I don’t really hate sprinkle cookies. I just hate the ones YOU make.”
Caroline: “I’m sorry, lady-in-green-dress, but I’m not listening to a word you’re saying.”
Kathy: “Do you think they introduced Christmas to the Na’vi people?”
Kim G: “I’M MISSING HALF MY BRAIN.”
Kim G: “Is it me or is that guy lookin’ kind of hot. Hey handsome. Wanna go stand under the mistletoe?”
Kathy: “You’re talking to the Christmas tree.”
Joe Giudice: “Hey, thanks for having me. We gotta go.”
“I’m gonna put on Joe’s cock ring and blow him. Hey Joe. JOE. Aren’t I a good blower????”
Kim G: “I wish I could respond to you, Caroline, but my lips haven’t moved in five days.”
Caroline: “And now I shall lean forward so that you can see the full extent of my animé hair.”
“Let me tell you a-something about my family. We’re as thick as thieves, and we defend each other until the end. Except Lauren. She’s a real pain in the ass lately.”
Kim G: “I DON’T NEED YOU TO TELL ME WHAT TO THINK AND WHAT TO DO!”
Caroline: “Obviously I do. You came here with the intention to hurt and cause an issue.”
“No, I came here to teach Jacqueline how to mimic a water fountain, and as you can see, I’ve done a HECK of a job!”
“Why is Cindy McCain in my party? And why is she so mad? Oh wait, that’s just Kim G.”
“I don’t know what’s worse: listening to Kim G or listening to Ashley.”
Kim G: “That’s okay, I didn’t want to stay at this party anyway. I’ve got a tap dance show to do at the USS Intrepid.”
“Ms. G, I’m really not interested.”
“Christopher, what’s the big deal? I just asked if you wanted a blow job. No big whoop.”
Kim G: “Listen, Caroline, I love your son like my own, but that doesn’t change the fact that you stole my Beyoncé CD.”
“Hey look. I gotta jacket made out of lint!”
What did you think about the episode?