Big Brother is back, and based on the first episode, I think we’re going to have a fun summer. CBS has delivered us eight new contestants and six returning ones, and so far I’m really digging the blend of personalities. We’ve got Shelly, the tough-as-nails mom, who I already love. We also have Cassi, who’s something of an ice queen (which always wins me over), and we also have Kalia, who annoyingly views herself as the second coming of Carrie Bradshaw.
There’s also a variety of attractive men in the house, including Dominic and Keith, but for every yin there’s a yang, and that yang comes in the form of Lawon and Adam. The latter gentleman looks like he’s probably a total sweetheart, but his penchant for emitting loud, guttural growls has me hating on him. I didn’t like it when Rupert did it on Survivor, and I don’t like it when Adam does it on Big Brother. He’s clearly angling for a gimmick, and with any luck, he’ll be chopped soon before it somehow catches on.
As for Lawon, he’s just terrible all around. I know CBS loves to cast the most flamboyant gayz around, and I don’t really care about that, but at least be a FUNNY flamboyant gay. Or mildly attractive. Lawon really has no redeeming qualities right off the bat. Maybe he’ll grow on us, but his green and salmon ensemble (not to mention the silly tie) are worthy of lifelong hatred. Let’s also not overlook his falsetto squeals that emerge every two minutes in the Diary Room. He’s a disaster, and I fear he’ll be around way too long.
Then we have our returning teams, who were just as we predicted: Brendon and Rachel, Jeff and Jordan, and Dick and Daniele. Overall, I’m happy with groups; although, if we were to have six all-stars back, I’d rather drop Daniele and Brendon and replace them with the likes of Renny and… anyone really. Maybe Russell the Love Muscle?
Anyway, Brenchel were the first to enter the house, and Rachel of course made a splash by screaming, “Who’s ready for DOUBLE TROUBLE?” That voice — I both cringed and laughed happily. She can be so awful and yet so damn entertaining. All her obnoxious sayings — FLOATERS GET A LIFE VEST!! AIN’T NOBODY GETTING BETWEEN ME AND MY MAN!!! — are all so ingrained in my head that I can’t help but feel anything but love to see her back.
Brendon — eh.
As for Jeff and Jordan, they’re just as funny and cute as ever. And you know how I hate to like the “cute” couple (but I really like them).
Lastly, we have Dick and Danielle. I’m not totally convinced that Dick has actually changed his clothes in the past four years. He’s certainly testing the tensile strength of his wife beater with that new gut of his. He’s just the way we remembered him: cocky, brash, annoying, but now his ego is ten times bigger.
Curiously enough, Dick hasn’t spoken to his brat daughter Daniele in three years. I can’t blame her for wanting to separate herself from her dad’s Mom Jeans, but I suspect a large part of the rift had to do with her probably wanting the prize money that her dad won instead of her. Who knows. The real news here is that Daniele is raven-haired now, and like her father, she has definitely aged in the past four years. Not a great look.
Anyway, the first episode brought the first batch of twists and competitions. We learned that the newbies all had to pair up and that each week, one duo would be nominated for eviction (as opposed to season nine when two duos were on the block). Furthermore, whichever member of the duo escaped the chopping block would then be safe from eviction until only ten people remained (ie. week four when presumably the pairs will be dissolved). I’m not going to lie: I like the twists. They engender serious strategizing, and I can only imagine what Rachel — our first Head of Household after winning a typically daffy banana-dangling competition — will do with these new rules.
Until then, here’s the photocap:
“Good evening. I’m Julie Chen. And tonight, I’ll be portraying a bottle of ketchup.”
“Mommmmmmmmmmm… don’t pet me.”
“I’m not petting you. I’m trying to get you out of my DAMN HOUSE.”
“I just made out with Mila Kunis. Or did I? BLACK SWAN!”
“I’m a law clerk! But I work at a fashion boutique. Haaaaayy!!!!”
“Listen, if they want me to be gay, I’ll be GAY. And if they want me to be straight, then I’ll be… well, I’m already wearing a cummerbund and a green blazer so… yeah, I’ll just be gay.”
“Oh my God. You guys. I am SO Carrie Bradshaw. I guess that makes you my Charlotte and Miranda.”
Women: “Um, we were thinking you were more the ALF to our Tanner family.”
Keith: “See, here’s a diagram of my plan. And because nothing ever goes awry on Big Brother, this excessively complicated strategy should play out like a charm!”
“Look, as long as they let me shoot some deer in the house, I’ll be happy.”
“Yay!!! We’re all in the house!!! We’re all going to be best friends!!!”
“Yay!!!!”
“Bitch.”
“Slut.”
“Whore.”
“Communal showers? I don’t seem to remember Carrie Bradshaw being stuck in a communal shower. I couldn’t help but wonder: was my life becoming one big communal shower? Or was I soaking in a bath of neuroses?”
“No one will EVER notice my secret webcam.”
“This house is fantastic. So many hot chicks. I can’t wait to hide behind my religion when it’s convenient!”
Shelly: “This is a crazy experience for me.”
Kalia: “Oh my gosh. You are SUCH a Miranda. Lolz!”
“What are you talking about?”
“So my name is Cassi, and I’m actually the love child of Keira Knightley and Olivia Wilde.”
“I’m so happy to be here. I’m so happy to be here!! I’M SO HAPPY TO BE HERE!!!!!”
“Hi America. Just so you all know, all gay guys wear clashing colors and oversized clown ties. Because we’re clowns!!!!! Ha-HYAI!!!!”
Things become awkward when Keith and Porsche spontaneously burst out in a rendition of “Somewhere Out There.”
“Um, I do NOT want Lawon as my partner. I couldn’t help wondering: in life, does the partnership make us awful? Or does the awfulness make us partners?”
“I would say a major fashion influence on my life has been Pee-Wee’s Playhouse.”
“So… how do I tell Keith that I can’t stand him?”
Kalia: “Oh my gosh. I just want to drink like five cosmos right now. I am SO Carrie.”
“Who’s ready for DOUBLE TROUBLE!!!! I’m BACK, BITCHES!!!! AND I STILL LOVE SCIENCE!!!!”
Brendon: “This is heaven for me. Although, I’d prefer a full hug, not just this one-armed half-a-hug business.”
Cassi: “Wait a second, I just noticed you, Dominic. You are HOT!”
As hard as she tries, Shelly is incapable of producing an alien death ray from her mouth as promised.
Jeff: “It’s nice to be back in the house.”
Jordan: “I still don’t know what time it is.”
Dick: “Hey man. I dig your style.”
“Ha-HYAII!!! You too! Those mom jeans are HAWT!!!”
“I’ve aged.”
“So… I’m still cold as ice!”
“I really hate my dad.”
“Wait a second. What am I doing back on Big Brother? This isn’t Target.”
“Things between my daughter and me haven’t been great.”
“For my birthday, he gave me an autographed photo of himself.”
“Yeah, well, it was a good photo.”
The Donato family portrait we hoped we’d never have to see.”
“How have I spent the past four years? Well, there’s been a lot of sun exposure. A LOT.”
“This is the worst damn episode of Sex and the City I’ve ever seen.”
What did you think about the premiere?
Ohhh boy! Too funny! I have been waiting for these since September!! 🙂 My fave comment was the “you were more the Alf in our Tanner family”…hilarious! Of course the Brandon hug comment was enjoyed as well 🙂 Well done 🙂
The “I couldn’t help but wonder…. ” Carrie Bradshaw-isms are priceless!!
I waited all morning for your recap! And it did not disappoint!!
The only noobies that I like so far are Cassie and Shelly. Most of the others are annoying.
Best part of the episode for me:
Kalia commenting on Rachels boobs while the only thing you see when you look at her is the spillage.
Some of the images from the banana remind me of the Human Centipede.
Thank you so much for this recap, I have been waiting all morning for this. You are the best.
Loved the ALF reference!
I enjoyed the recap…good stuff. To me, Keith is more annoying than Rachel and he needs to go before the me(n)tal guy.
I loved when Porsche lied about being a student because she didn’t want the house to that she’s really a VIP Cocktail Waitress, because then they might think she doesn’t need the money – um, really? How much does a freaking cocktail waitress make, unless by VIP she means the Champagne Room at the local strip club?
Great recap! Am I the only one who thinks the Donato family estrangement is BS? Maybe they think they would have a smaller target on their backs if they didn’t appear to be unified? Just a thought. It looks like it’s going to be an entertaining season!
oh god please don’t let Evil Dick spit on the fake grass..please oh please…..
Is there still a Big Brother Discussion Forum here somewhere still? I can’t seem to find it…
Shelly with her Kate Gosselin hair / Taylor Armstrong lips / Ted Nugent gun love is most def an early favorite.
Lawon has a Tyra Banks forehead and an affinity for orange Mario Batali crocs.
Seeing Jeff again makes the world a better place.
hb
You nailed it on Cssie looking like Olivia Wilde/Kiera Knightly! Loved the comment about not wanting to see that particular Donato family portrait!
Brendon and Rachel for another summer…………….oy vey
Adam, I think that if there is a costume to be worn, he will get it!
Love Jeff and Jordan happy to see them, they will help make Brendon and Rachel easier to take
Boy! Daniele is looking rough. Road hard and hung up wet. And that flat black hair ain’t helpin one bit with all that sun damage. Of course, if we take a look at Evel Dick, we see the poor thing is predestined.
Evil Dick wont be fouling up the fake grass, he left, he bailed, he is gone.
“Wait a second. What am I doing back on Big Brother? This isn’t Target.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Jeff & Jordan are still as adorable as ever. I was so against this twist in theory but if it means I get another three months of these two, all is forgiven Grodner. Jordan could totally do a Sandra Diaz Hyphen Twine btw and win a second time, since no one is taking her seriously at all, Jeff would obviously be voted out over her and everyone just in general likes her so damned much to not target her until it’s too late.
Cassie, Dom and Shelley are my favourites of the newbies. Cassie could totally win a normal season, but am afraid the returnees will gun for her early for that very reason.
Nice to see the show back on form after last years Snooze-a-Palooza..
Ew.com has posted that Evil Dick has left the building due to a personal matter
Damn I was really excited when he walked through the door 🙁
I love that everyone is still calling Kalia Kahlua even after she’s corrected them a few times.
I wasn’t sad to see Evel Dick go. He has gotten old and probably iracible as well. He’s the crotchety old neighbor who yells at kids to get off his lawn. And Danielle needs to stop hitting the shoe polish for hair dye. Not flattering at all.
So glad to see Jeff again!!
Have you seen Dick’s video he posted BEFORE he went into the house? It’s on RTVzone.com
Maybe this is why he’s been removed from the house.
When I see Danielle’s hair I keep thinking Vampira has joined Big Brother.
Dammit. i was already sad that I’m not able to follow BB this year (NZ is months behind on most TV shows — they’re only now just wrapping up the Biggest Loser season when Michael won). Now I find out that Jeff and Jordan are back? Crap. I guess I’ll have to get my fill through your recaps — no pressure. 🙂
hint, hint B. That means try to post lots of lucious pics of Jeff for poor Ms. t bc she’s depending on you!
as for Evel Dick- bye bye (mom) britches!
Y does everyone think Cassi is so pretty? I think she is ugly flat chested flat ass horrible man accent and she looks gross with out make up!! I dont get it- shes to f$& ing stupid to play the damn game. Cassi had genital warts but I guess they dont realease that info Lol