Every season, the Chenbot dazzles us with an outfit so unconventional, so bizarre that it becomes instantly legendary. There was her sparkling astronaut pantsuit one year. And there was her orange jumpsuit another year. Last night, Julie defied expectations and busted out her first ever cape. That’s right: Chenbot wore a CAPE. As in, the thing that Superman wears. Except we weren’t looking at Superman. We were looking at Julie effin’ Chen. In a cape.
Oh, but Julie didn’t stop there. She took the cape ante and she raised it one Bindi Irwin by dressing in all khaki. About a dozen J. Crew enthusiasts must have fainted on the spot.
Yes, Chenbot was going on safari in a cape. It made no sense. Or did it? Perhaps we were witnessing a new side to Julie. Maybe Chenbot had entered the Captain America Chris-Evans-bufferizer machine and had now emerged as a superhero. Behold: Super Safari Chenbot! (Other welcome variations: “Safari Super Julie” by Hamsterwatch and “Khaki Caped Crusader” by PatrickGomezLA.)
I’m not exactly sure what Super Safari Chenbot does, but I imagine she can fly and that she often appears in jungles to ward off poachers and treasure hunters. Clearly she has a loyal giraffe that she rides (when not flying). She can also speak to the giraffe, who both gives her sage advice and also crafts weapons out of twigs and dried dung. I imagine Lynda Carter playing a role in this too, but it’s still a bit murky.
Either way, it’s clear that someone has uploaded SaveTheAnimals.exe into Chenbot’s mainframe, and I’m just thrilled to see how all will pan out.
As for the rest of last night’s episode, nothing was as exciting as Julie’s khaki cape, but some things came close. There was never any question as to who was going home. The producers didn’t even try to throw some misdirection into the fray. Clearly Cassi was getting the boot. Even without the suspense, however, the show was still highly entertaining. Cassi attempted to clear the air with Brenchel, but she found herself running up against a brick wall — or perhaps a particularly thorny bush of emotion.
First up, Cassi tried to have a one on one with Rachel, who claimed that Cassi’s biggest offense was talking smack about Porsche. Rachel then claimed that many, many people (lie alert!) had informed her that Cassi was plotting against her, Brendon, Jeff, and Jordan. Was this a surprise? All the Newbies were scheming against the Vets. Nevertheless, the conversation went sour as Rachel accused Cassi of being the worst game player EVAR, causing Cassi to calmly but coldly state that Rachel was a “catty, catty woman” and that last season, she had been pulling for her, but now she sees why everyone hates her. BAM! DEVASTATING. It was at that moment that I began to truly mourn the inevitable ouster of Cassi. Why’d she have to go? She just became my favorite!
Later, Cassi tried to talk sensibly with Brendon, but he condescended to her hideously, thus cementing his role as part of the most loathsome duo of this season. Last year, I was like Cassi — I oddly was pulling for Brenchel as they seemed to be the only people doing anything interesting in the house. This time around though, I’ve found them insufferable. I guess that’s what’ll happen when they’re surrounded by interesting, likable people (instead of a bunch of boring duds).
I suppose then that it was only appropriate that Brenchel took back over control of the house at the end of the episode. Yes, Rachel won HoH again, which caused an audible groan by the in-studio audience (as well as the rest of America). I really wanted to see a Newbie take over, but in a twisted way, I was quite satisfied with this turn of events. After all, Big Brother works best when there are clear villains in the house, and giving Brenchel another reign of terror will do nothing but make this season all the more compelling.
Sadly for the affable duo of Dom and Adam, it looks like it may be curtains. This could be great news for Dom’s mother, who apparently hasn’t let her son out of her grasp since…well… ever. Dom, it turns out, was homeschooled. So… that’s weird. I hope he lasts longer in the house so at the very least he can gain some proper socialization (although, I’m not sure these kooky bastards are the best people to learn from). Anyway, here’s the photocap:
“Good evening, America. I’m Julie Chen, and I’m wearing a cape.”
“My mission is to serve and protect the animals of the savannah. No wildebeest, spider monkey, or antelope shall live in fear again!”
“I wonder if I received any more 20% off coupons from Bed, Bath & Beyond in the mail…”
“Check it out: I decided to dress like the Cheetos cat. Pretty cool, huh?”
“You can just call me Chester Cheetah.”
“Rachel, I just want to know if there’s anything I’ve done to upset you or make you hate me.”
“Yes. You were prettier than me. How rude!”
“You never ONCE said anything nice about science.”
“And you are the worst player I’ve ever seen. Like, SO many people have told me that. So it’s true.”
“Wow. You are just a catty, catty bitch.”
“Clearly you’re not ready for Double Trouble.”
“NO. When I walked in the door, I asked ‘Are y’all ready for double trouble???’ and you said YES!”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You’re so mean. You’re the meanest person I ever met!”
“HOOOO-WEEEE! It is getting CAH-RAY-ZAY up in here!”
“I can’t believe how mean Cassi is. I’ve been nothing but nice to her. SOMEONE FIND ME A BUSH TO CRY IN.”
“[sniff sniff] I just want people to be ready for double trouble! [sniff sniff]”
“Listen, Rachel. You’re kind of a bitch, and you have to realize that.”
“You don’t understand. Cassi used my weaknesses against me! And by weaknesses, I mean ‘logic, rational thought, and non-cattiness.’ SHE’S SO MEAN.”
“CRYERS GRAB YOUR TISSUES!”
“Brendon, for the last time, just because I didn’t want to hug you for a fourth time doesn’t mean I was planning on betraying our alliance.”
“Don’t patronize me. I’m not some dumb neanderTAL.”
“Houseguests, I regret to inform you that I must leave this broadcast. There’s a zebra in Tanzania that needs my help. Chenbot, HO! [cape swoosh] “
“Dom is great. He won’t have sex with me, but he’s great. His mom is kind of overbearing, but that’s okay. Just because she walks in every time we’re about to DO IT for the first time, I don’t mind! Good for her! I’M SO FUCKING HAPPY FOR DOM AND HIS STRICT UPBRINGING.”
“I was totally homeschooled, but that’s okay. I didn’t mind. Hey, did they ever find that dinosaur that ate George Washington on the Mayflower?”
“Jordan, feel free to speak your mind. And be sure to let me know if there are any rhinoceroses in your backyard that need to be rescued. I will fend off any attackers. Safari THWACK!”
Cassi: “I just farted on my pillow.”
“I want to say that I loved meeting each and every one of you… except Rachel. She’s a catty, catty bitch, and her face looks like the Jack-in-the-Box guy.”
“Daniele, if you knew any information about the missing gazelle from the Buffelskloof Nature Reserve, you would tell me, right?”
“I vote… to evict… good taste.”
“We’ve been standing here for ten minutes, and she’s STILL not done hugging people goodbye?”
“Hello, Cassi. I’m Super Safari Chenbot. I protect the animals. TO THE CHENMOBILE! [cape swoosh]”
“Cassi, I just want you to know that I’m not catty. I just HATE YOU. See? That wasn’t catty, was it?”
“HOOOO-WEEEE!!! Look at that big letter A. I am gonna FUH-REAK out with these CAH-RAY-ZEE letters! HAH!”
Brendon: “Oh YYYYYEAAAAAAH. BIIIG hug!”
“FLOATERS GRAB YOUR CRYING BUSHES!”
What did you think about the results?