BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: End of Regulation

Last night was our first eviction episode on Big Brother, but you wouldn’t have known it based on the drama and intrigue over the course of the hour. We had the Veterans pushing to get Keith out of the house, the Regulators, looking to get Porsche out of the house, and the leftovers simply trying to figure out what’s best for Newbies. In other words, it was a total Carmageddon of voting, and while I thought I had it all figured out, I once again was reminded that on Big Brother, we have to expect the unexpected.

Clearly Porsche was going home in my mind. Even though she had the support of the Veterans, I didn’t think she’d be able to surmount the influence of the Regulators on the Newbies. All this talk about Keith being a ticking time bomb seemed like massive misdirection to me.

However, the Veterans knew that if they wanted to get their way, they’d have to play a social game, and so they set about hanging out with the rest of the cast, shaking their booties at the table and engaging in a drum circle of sorts. Eventually Rachel wound up on a hammock with Dominic and some others where she made the critical mistake of revealing her pet name for Brendon: Booki. Soon she and other house guests started calling “Booki!” out to him from across the lawn, rapidly undermining the special significance of the tender term “Booki.” Brendon immediately entered sulk mode and ordered Rachel to go upstairs with him to bed, even though she wasn’t tired. I guess as goes Booki, so goes Rachel.

Turns out that Booki was pissed off because by sharing their little pet name, Rachel had undermined the specialness of “Booki.” Some things are private, Brendon contended, perhaps forgetting momentarily that he was on the most voyeuristic series on television. Eventually, the two wound up going to sleep separately — a Booki standoff, if you will — and just when we thought the argument couldn’t get any more ridiculous, we had a second round the next day when Rachel once again tangled with Booki out in the backyard. She pleaded for forgiveness — which she shouldn’t have done — and he declared that he loved her with all his heart — which was a transparently manipulative tactic. Eventually, Booki confessed that if people knew him as Booki, he wouldn’t be taken seriously, and that could jeopardize his career. You know what else could jeopardize his career? BIG BROTHER.

Nevertheless, Rachel apologized for leaving Booki “demasculinitized” and reminded him that he had a hot, gorgeous fiancé (good to see her priorities), and eventually, Booki and her kissed and made up. Of course, the wonderful irony is that since Booki had made such a fuss about overusing the name Booki, he clearly just signed himself up for a lifetime of “Booki” references on the Internet. Way to go, BOOKI.

Nevertheless, back on the live show, we received a cryptic message from Evel Dick, who announced that he was fine and his girlfriend was fine and everyone was fine. He implored the house guests to fight and back stab and scheme, and of course Julie followed this up by asking Daniele if she had any words for her father. I think we all expected her to say something like, “I’m just glad he’s okay, and I’m sorry he had to leave, but as long as he’s healthy and everyone is fine, I’ll be okay here.”

Instead, Daniele went on an incoherent rambling session about how there are so many twists in the game, and how she’s just trying to stay focused, blah blah blah. Chenbot, however, had just installed the new AreYouF’real App and thus asked, “No, ‘I love you?'”

Awkward.

It was actually something of an alley-oop, but instead of saying, “Oh yes, naturally,” Daniele just muttered that yes, Dick was her biological father but didn’t actually say she loved him. She just seemed flummoxed and annoyed and totally at a loss. Listen you BRAT, just say you love your dad and SHUT UP. What is so difficult about this?

Daniele did eventually realize she sounded like a total ingrate; so when she cast her vote later, she made sure to clarify that she does love her dad and that she had been worried about him each and every day since he left. The sincerity was off the charts…

Also casting a noteworthy vote was Lawon, who continues to be a truly hideous gay. He didn’t say anything memorable, but his blazer — it was like a Frankenstein’s monster of lesser, more awful blazers. Why would he wear that mess? Gays across the country are disowning him as we speak.

Nevertheless, when the votes came out, it was Keith who wound up getting the boot. Turns out the Vets were able to turn Shelly and Kalia. Adam, meanwhile, stuck with the Regulators, even though he had told the Veterans that he was on their side. This should all certainly lead to some interesting post-eviction antics.

As for Keith, he emerged from the house humbly and with good humor. He was an annoying player, but I enjoyed his exit interview. Poor guy just didn’t know how to play the game. Anyone who walks into the house with such a convoluted diagram needs to get the boot first anyway.

The episode eventually ended with an exciting round of Big Brother miniature golf that had Jordan surprisingly taking home the Head of Household title. This means the Veterans will be in power again, and the former Regulators will have to scramble to keep themselves somewhat intact.

Loving this season and loving the house divide. The only problem: I like both sides of the house! Ah, but it’s only week one. Who knows what deplorable alliances will emerge…

Porsche: “Good luck to you. Although, know that you will get served. And I don’t mean that in a luxurious VIP Cocktail Waitress way, WHICH I MOST CERTAINLY AM NOT.”

“Oh, where art thou, Clive Owen!”

Brendon: “Hey, um, can I get in on this?”

“FLOATERS GRAB YOUR DANCE MOVES!”

Rachel: “I love you.”
Brendon: “…”
“I love you.”
“…”
“I love you.”
“STOP DEMASCULINITIZING ME!”

“Why is Booki being like this? It’s like a floater NOT grabbing a life vest!”

“I’m sorry if I want some things to be special. Maybe I’m crazy, but there are three things I hold sacred: our love, our intimacy, and the word BOOKI.”

“But Booki…”

“I mean, it’s like you opened your arms for a hug and then walked away!”

“Booki!”

“I love you with all my heart, Booki, but if people like Dom start calling me Booki, then I might start loving him with all my heart too.”

“Dom isn’t your Booki.”

“I don’t know, Rach. I just don’t know anymore.”

“Booki, why are you still mad at me?”

“Because I’m a professional. And when people call me Booki, I’m not taken seriously by the medical field.”

“Um, newsflash, Booki, but you lost any chance at professional respectability when you signed up for Big Brother in the first place.”

“Ruh?”

“And also when you sent a picture of your dick over the Internet.”

“Ruh?”

“And then when you posted a video crying about your dick.”

“Ruh?”

“And then when you agreed to be on Big Brother AGAIN.”

Brendon: “Wow, Booki. That was really mean. Can I get a–“
“NO HUGS, BOOKI.”

Jeff: “Okay, champ. Why don’t you name our alliance?”
Adam: “Oh man! How about… Adam’s Angels!”
“Really. We let you name the alliance, and that’s what you come up with?”
“I’m sorry, I…”
“This is as ridiculous as letting a gay headmaster teach fictional wizard kids. SHEESH.”

“Adam’s Angels? Why can’t it be Daniele’s Angels? IT’S NOT FAIR!!!!!!”

“I just want everyone to know that I found my Mom Jeans and that everything’s going to be okay.”

Julie: “Anything you wish to say to your dad, Daniele?”
“Um… just that being in this house is really hard, and it can be sooooo frustrating because there are twists, and it’s, like, SO hard, and–“
“Let me rephrase this, Daniele: is there anything you wish to say to your dad that’s not a complaint about your present situation?”
“I mean, he should know that there are, like, sooo many twists, and it’s soooo hard, and–“
“No, ‘I love you?'”
“I mean… why would I say that? It’s sooooo frustrating. He’s my father. It’s not FAAAAY-URRRR.”
“You’re awful.”
“It’s not fair!”

“Oh look at me. Don’t I look like a VIP Cocktail Waitress? What a luxurious lifestyle. Or so I can imagine, being that I’m NOT a VIP cocktail waitress WHATSOEVER. Is it weird I’m wearing only lingerie on the live show?”

“Hey America! I just proved that if you take two ugly blazers and sew them together like Two-Face from Batman, you get something bigger and uglier than you could ever imagine. Aren’t I crazy? BAM!”

“I just want to say that I love my father and have been worried sick about him everyday. But sometimes, I wish he would think about ME once in a while. He may be struggling with an emergency, but I, like, have to sit around. IT’S NOT FAIR!”

“Wow, Keith. You’re kind of an idiot, aren’t you?”

“Keith, you did this to yourself. You can’t play me. After all, I’m a LUXURIOUS VIP COCKTAIL WAITRESS! Surprise!”
“I… I don’t get it.”

“I couldn’t help but wonder: in men, are we always shooting for a hole in one? Or sometimes is it good enough to just get one in the hole?”

What did you think about this episode?