Oh the saga continues! The triumphant third season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey is still wonderfully mired in the rift between Teresa Giudice and her brother Joe Gorga, and I couldn’t be happier! I mean, I don’t like seeing grown siblings hate each other from the depths of their souls, but the dynamic is rather fascinating. This week’s big news was that Teresa decided to write her brother a letter. I don’t think we’ve seen so much hoopla over a letter since, well, Jersey Shore. I guess guidos really get into epistolary activity.
Nevertheless, Teresa’s letter was a gesture of reconciliation. Sort of. You see, it didn’t start as a reconciliation (more of a “What are you doing to our family??”), but thanks to Jacqueline’s guidance (two words I never thought I’d pair together), Teresa managed to put together a generally nice missive — even if it took hours and umpteen pages of Gucci stationery. In other news, Teresa has the penmanship of a kindergartener. You can almost hear her saying “p goes downstairs; d goes upstairs!” as she writes. But that’s neither here nor there (and given that my handwriting is about as legible as a wino after having consumed a jug of Sutter Home Companion, I really shouldn’t be one to talk).
Anyway, the perpetual debate this season is Team Gorga vs. Team Giudice. Most people seem to be siding with Teresa, but I gotta say, I just am not feeling it. Let me present my humble case.
Sure, we see the pain Teresa feels over having “lost” a brother, and sure, Melissa is nothing special — she’s crafty and eager to play the victim. We can all see that she relishes the divide between Joe and his sister. But… BUT… it’s not as simple as that.
You see, Teresa plays the victim too. According to her, she’s completely innocent in this whole mess. She claims she’s been nothing but nice… but then again, Teresa always thinks she’s nothing but nice. Remember last season? Remember when she egged on Danielle at the POSCHE FASHION SHOW (requires caps, on account of its impressiveness). Teresa was a raging bitch that night, but to hear her tell the story, she was just being sweet and friendly to Danielle by saying hi.
The point is that Teresa certainly has a very flattering perception of herself and her interactions. She sees herself as always being friendly, but as we saw during her letter-drafting process, she’s quick to attack whenever possible — especially in a passive-aggressive way. Even the letter itself reeked of insincerity. After all, Teresa did call her brother and sister-in-law “stupid” about a dozen times while writing it. Not the most loving mental place. I almost don’t blame Melissa for not embracing Teresa. Wouldn’t you go nuts if for nine years you had a sister-in-law who never seemed accountable for her actions?
Let’s not also forget that Teresa is the same woman complaining to In Touch that fame has torn apart her family while simultaneously posing with all her kids on the tabloid’s cover this week. If fame has been such a destructive force, why parade your brood around in harm’s way? It’s this constant hypocrisy from Teresa that has always driven me mad. Sure, Joe Gorga is annoyingly stubborn, and he’s no angel in all of this, but I empathize more with his frustration than I do with Teresa’s broken heart. And, by the way, I think we can ALL agree that these two mooks use the phrase “IT BREAKS MY HEART!” entirely way too much. I can just imagine them encountering a particularly difficult jar of peanut butter: “IT BREAKS MY HEART that we can’t open this jar. Now we might never make the PB&J sandwiches. IT BREAKS MY HEART!!”
Meanwhile, my allegiance to Team Kathy is really falling apart. I still am loyal to her by a thread, but man, does she make it hard. The nosy cousin made her way over to Caroline’s home to make peace, but her attempts fell flat after she quietly talked shit about Teresa and then expressed disappointment at Caroline for her reaction at the Brownstone. Caroline was having none of it though, and she summarily shut Kath down. It was cringe-inducing, watching Kathy approach this all wrong. I’m starting to think though that Kathy isn’t necessarily a bad egg, just terrible at confrontation.
Over at the Laurita household, Jacqueline was bemoaning her daughter’s idiotic ways. She came to the massively surprising conclusion that Ashley’s behavior was linked to having come from a broken family — a shocking revelation for sure! In the midst of this, Jacqueline consulted a psychic, who was the first psychic we’ve seen on all these Housewives shows to actually look like a psychic. She had velvet curtains, candles, a crystal goblet — very old school. No electronic cigarettes for her.
Amusingly, the psychic’s predictions were about as vague as can be. She said things like “I sense something emotional” or “Someone’s not talking to someone” (those are not exact quotes — I’m just too lazy to go back and find the scene on my DVR). The point is that Jacqueline gobbled it all up, which is noteworthy given that she spent a nice chunk of screen time last year mocking Danielle’s psychic.
Anyway, enough babbling. Here are the photos:
Kathy: “You know, it really bugs me that no one complimented me on my Avatar costume last week.”
Teresa: “I hate all those fancy ingredientses. You know, like cummin and colander.”
“Yeah. Whatever. Why you gotta have tricky spices? And don’t get me started on what’s it called — s-s-sall?”
“Yeah. So exotic.”
“Hey Joe. Come on down to the studio. I want you to do me in the cannoli.”
Melissa: “Wha? I don’t get a kiss if I don’t have sex with you?”
“This testosterone. I have so much of it in me. IT BREAKS MAH HEART!!!”
“I see a very SCARY future for you, Jacqueline.”
“Oh no. What is it?”
“You will find a great deal on beer cozies at Marshall’s, but then you will have left your wallet in the car, and when you come back five minutes later, SOMEONE WILL HAVE BOUGHT THE COZIES.”
“Oh God. Not again.”
“But wait, Jacqueline. There is MORE!”
“More? What else could there be?”
“You will use the money you saved at Marshall’s to get a venti iced latte at Starbucks, and you will FORGET TO ADD THE SECOND SUGAR THAT YOU ALWAYS LIKE.”
“As a mother, you raise your stripper boas to leave the house, but when the moment comes for that stripper boa to find a new home in a Hoboken apartment, IT’S LIKE A DAGGER TO THE HEART!”
“Face it, Jacqueline. Your daughter’s a spoiled brat.”
Jacqueline: “I remember my wedding day like it was yesterday. My dress was so beautiful, and of course, who can forget my brand new training bra?”
“Where did I go wrong? Oh yeah. EVERYWHERE.”
Kathy: “I approached Teresa from a place of love.”
Caroline: “I don’t care. I just want to know one thing: is it true that I look like Muriel from Too Close for Comfort?”“
Caroline: “You shouldn’t be stirring up trouble, Kathy. You should be at home with your kids because let me tell you a-something: they won’t be there forever. Someday, they’ll turn 32, and they’ll leave the nest!”
“Hey kids. Who else thinks mommy and daddy should have sex?”
“CAROLINE! I’m gonna wear this while Juicy Joe bangs me in the ass!”
“I want to know why I was the only one who walked through the car wash.”
Teresa: “How am I supposed to find my brother? I dunno where he is all the time.”
Caroline: “Here’s what you do: you write a letter.”
Kim D: “I usually just rub my hair fangs together and let them point the way.”
“Okay… one of these is wine, and the other is urine. But which is which?”
Jacqueline: “Are you gonna write your letter or what?”
“Hold on. I’m looking for ingredientses for my pasta tonight.”
“You know, sweetie, when I was your age, I was already married.”
“Okay, here’s the letter. It’s twenty-five pages long, but only has thirty-two words.”
Melissa: “What’s this?”
“I dunno. It looks like it was written by a child on tranquilizers.”
“Sounds about right.”
“Dear Joe. We need to be a family. I’m sorry if I hurt you in any way. Of course, I don’t know how I hurt you because you’re so sensitive that even when I’m being nice, which I always am, I guess it makes you mad. So… sorry for that.
Even though you and Melissa are both so stupid, I want to put the past in the past and forget all the dumb things you guys do all the time. We have to fix this. It’s mostly you who has to do all the fixing because it’s pretty much all your fault, but I’m willing to try to fix the things you broke also.
I know I bear some responsibility in this mess you made. I was too nice (because I always am), and that made you mad; so you ruined our friendship. I shouldn’t have done that (the being nice part, I mean). If I had realized my natural tendency to be nice would cause you to be crazy and marry a whore, I would never have been so nice. I’m very sorry.
Please let’s stop all the fighting that you start. I love you. Love, your only sister (so don’t MESS IT UP), Teresa.”
What did you think about the letter? Will it fix things? Is it coming from a sincere place?
I think that Joe Gorga is either gay or in love with his sister. He is completely overcompensating when he talks about drilling Melissa, and his overly emotional reaction to the rift with Teresa is more akin to a lovers quarrel than a family feud. Joe’s issues could buy some psychiatrist a new beach house in Cannes.
I don’t think I have to join a Team Gorga or Team Guidice because they are both wretched, but no amount of apologizing for Joe will make up for his psychotic break when he was supposed to be welcoming his son into the Kingdom of Christ.
Jacqueline needs to stop worrying about how to fix Ashley, and to just punch her in the mouth already.
Joe Gorga has ‘roid rage which probably caused his hair loss. Even when he is trying to woo his wife he sounds like he about to put his fist through a wall.
Totes agree about Jacqueline & Ashley. What happened to Ashley’s bf.? Think he had enough of her whining?!
Jennifer that was hysterical, and dead on.
Joe Gorga’s head gear should be considered the 6th housewife. Did you notice when he went to get changed for dinner, he changed from gray wool stocking cap to a more formal dinner camoflauge Giants cap?
I am still on team Kathy. I think she was just trying to get air time in her inaugral season. She’ll simmer down. This was always evident in the gift Mercedes. I am fairly confident it was a lease. I am dubious of any automobiles in red rows.
I think JoeGo’s headgear may be to cover up his balding head. And I’m just putting it out there: there may be hair plugs.
I agree. He will have a full set of hair, if he makes another season.
Superior thinking dmeonsratted above. Thanks!
Your recap is too funny and right on.
After this episode I am not lovin Teresa. (i do love her blue sweater coat though) If they are presently reconciled then this last episode would piss off Joega and Melissa big time. Can’t blame them one bit if they washed their hands of Teresa. She said some really bitchy things and compared herself to God for christ’s sake! I see your point about Teresa B-side. I am almost convinced!
Why did Kathy bring Caroline gifts and ask for her forgiveness?? Kathy should have apologized to Teresa for suggesting she left her kids unattended at a family function. The whole family is a mess. They attack eachother and are kissing non-family ass…I don’t get it. But LOVE it and can’t stop watching!
“Kathy should have apologized to Teresa for suggesting she left her kids unattended at a family function”
why she needs to apologize to Teresa… Kathy didn’t lie about it it was true, we all saw how Kathy was taking the lil gia #4 out of the room at the moment of the fight
What is so wrong about Kathy a cousin watching out for any of the kids?
not at all, but Kathy only told her about it after Teresa stared screaming at her for leaving the patty and not taking part of the fight, which is ridiculous why she needed to take part of that mess
I am wid you all da way gv. Da only mistake Kathy made was in going to the Godmother and expecting any kind of forgiveness. Dat is one word dat is not in da red headed bully Godmother’s vocabulary. Unless, of course, it has to do wid bankruptcies, hair pulling of so called villains, getting drunk and driving and totalling your car, ad nauseum.
If you watch closely, when Melissa is talking about the fight she states “I didn’t know where my kids were”….so she’s also the same as Theresa but nobody mentioned that. Her baby was in a stroller somewhere just like Theresa’s.
Bside: CAROLINE! I’m gonna wear this while Juicy Joe bangs me in the ass!”
Oh, that Joe Gorga and his sex pimples. POISON!
I am on neither Go or Gi’s team, they both are truly awful! And, how about Tree not being able to pronounce Cumin, but is on her second cookbook – sheesh! And, lastly, princess Caroline: She can’t carry hardly anything while helping her sons move because she’s only 5’1″ tall – really? I am the same height and have moved many, many times over my lifetime and my height has never stopped me from carrying more than I should’ve at times.
Team Gorga, because Tree is just such a self-centered dumb bitch. And Jacqueline, there is no excuse for ashley . . . she’s just a whiney, lazy-ass bitch. Seriously, whining about “i have to get up early to get to work , blah blah blah” seriously, I almost exercised my 2nd amendment rights and blasted my TV with my shotgun.
Why was that psychic (and then later, Jacqueline) calling her “OSHlee?” Every time she did it, I burst into an uncontrollable mild chuckle.
I noticed that pronunciation too I had to rewind to hear it again haha
It was really creepy how Joe Gorga went on and on about wanting to have sex, pouting and almost crying, No wonder the wife doesn’t want it. He’s just creepy
It finally hit me who Jacqueline reminds me of: Octomom. Same awful nose job that makes her face look caved in, same overinflated upper lip that just doesn’t fit with the rest of it.
Yes, omgoodness I have tried to figure out who she reminded me of for so long.
Still Team Theresa. I’m not into Melissa.
Which was more surprising? a) that Teresa could write or b) that Melissa could read?
I think that Melissa thought she was going to come in and be loved right away. People don’t like Theresa and she was going to egg that on and be the victim. She seems really fake. Her relationship seems as though she’s trying to make it seem better than it is. It appears to me that she crafted her entire image before filming started. Everything is just “I’m so pretty,” “I’m such a good model,” “People just love me,” “My husband wants me ALL THE TIME,” “I am the best hostess/party planner/in-law/I do no wrong.” The whole thing screams forced.
I don’t know about the whole history, but with the christening, Theresa is in the right (Can’t believe I ever typed such a thing). She was simply saying congratulations and Joe went nuts. Then Melissa is demanding that Theresa apologize. She seems as though she enjoys putting herself in between her husband and sister in law. Her sisters seem awful and probably encourage it (did anyone notice last week when they said it was the mother in laws job to seek out Melissa and she shouldn’t waste her time going to her? No wonder the in laws dislike you).
Long rambling post now over lol
To “I miss B”: Spot on your comments. Melissa is a Teresa Wannabe. Do you know how hard that was for me to write? As hard as it would be for Teresa to say… chrysanthamum.
Or, Chamaecyparis pisifera filifera aurea (Yellow Thread Cypress).
I wanna hear her pronounce that!
Still laughing over chrysanthemum though.
I think Melissa practiced for this role and she modeled herself after Gretchen from OC.
The first night Melissa was on this season, I was out of the room and only heard her voice
and I was thinking “what’s Gretchen doing on this show?” . She mimics Gretchen in her mannerisms and the way she holds her mouth & smiles & laughs. Put a blonde wig on her and you have Gretchen II. Try listening to her confessionals with your eyes closed and you’ll see what I mean about her sounding like Gretchen. She definately thinks she is going to be the breakout star for this season. I really don’t like her because she is coming across as a big phoney. And her husband Joe is the biggest baby I’ve ever seen. They are adding a lot of drama which is good for the episodes but they are people that I would never want to know in real life. Just my two cents. : )
What real man refers to his baby daughter as a “cock blocker”? He is disgusting.
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