REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NJ PHOTOCAP: Teresa Writes Letter, Says ‘Ingredientses’

Oh the saga continues! The triumphant third season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey is still wonderfully mired in the rift between Teresa Giudice and her brother Joe Gorga, and I couldn’t be happier! I mean, I don’t like seeing grown siblings hate each other from the depths of their souls, but the dynamic is rather fascinating. This week’s big news was that Teresa decided to write her brother a letter. I don’t think we’ve seen so much hoopla over a letter since, well, Jersey Shore. I guess guidos really get into epistolary activity.

Nevertheless, Teresa’s letter was a gesture of reconciliation. Sort of. You see, it didn’t start as a reconciliation (more of a “What are you doing to our family??”), but thanks to Jacqueline’s guidance (two words I never thought I’d pair together), Teresa managed to put together a generally nice missive — even if it took hours and umpteen pages of Gucci stationery. In other news, Teresa has the penmanship of a kindergartener. You can almost hear her saying “p goes downstairs; d goes upstairs!” as she writes. But that’s neither here nor there (and given that my handwriting is about as legible as a wino after having consumed a jug of Sutter Home Companion, I really shouldn’t be one to talk).

Anyway, the perpetual debate this season is Team Gorga vs. Team Giudice. Most people seem to be siding with Teresa, but I gotta say, I just am not feeling it. Let me present my humble case.

Sure, we see the pain Teresa feels over having “lost” a brother, and sure, Melissa is nothing special — she’s crafty and eager to play the victim. We can all see that she relishes the divide between Joe and his sister. But… BUT… it’s not as simple as that.

You see, Teresa plays the victim too. According to her, she’s completely innocent in this whole mess. She claims she’s been nothing but nice… but then again, Teresa always thinks she’s nothing but nice. Remember last season? Remember when she egged on Danielle at the POSCHE FASHION SHOW (requires caps, on account of its impressiveness). Teresa was a raging bitch that night, but to hear her tell the story, she was just being sweet and friendly to Danielle by saying hi.

The point is that Teresa certainly has a very flattering perception of herself and her interactions. She sees herself as always being friendly, but as we saw during her letter-drafting process, she’s quick to attack whenever possible — especially in a passive-aggressive way. Even the letter itself reeked of insincerity. After all, Teresa did call her brother and sister-in-law “stupid” about a dozen times while writing it. Not the most loving mental place. I almost don’t blame Melissa for not embracing Teresa. Wouldn’t you go nuts if for nine years you had a sister-in-law who never seemed accountable for her actions?

Let’s not also forget that Teresa is the same woman complaining to In Touch that fame has torn apart her family while simultaneously posing with all her kids on the tabloid’s cover this week. If fame has been such a destructive force, why parade your brood around in harm’s way? It’s this constant hypocrisy from Teresa that has always driven me mad. Sure, Joe Gorga is annoyingly stubborn, and he’s no angel in all of this, but I empathize more with his frustration than I do with Teresa’s broken heart. And, by the way, I think we can ALL agree that these two mooks use the phrase “IT BREAKS MY HEART!” entirely way too much. I can just imagine them encountering a particularly difficult jar of peanut butter: “IT BREAKS MY HEART that we can’t open this jar. Now we might never make the PB&J sandwiches. IT BREAKS MY HEART!!”

Meanwhile, my allegiance to Team Kathy is really falling apart. I still am loyal to her by a thread, but man, does she make it hard. The nosy cousin made her way over to Caroline’s home to make peace, but her attempts fell flat after she quietly talked shit about Teresa and then expressed disappointment at Caroline for her reaction at the Brownstone. Caroline was having none of it though, and she summarily shut Kath down. It was cringe-inducing, watching Kathy approach this all wrong. I’m starting to think though that Kathy isn’t necessarily a bad egg, just terrible at confrontation.

Over at the Laurita household, Jacqueline was bemoaning her daughter’s idiotic ways. She came to the massively surprising conclusion that Ashley’s behavior was linked to having come from a broken family — a shocking revelation for sure! In the midst of this, Jacqueline consulted a psychic, who was the first psychic we’ve seen on all these Housewives shows to actually look like a psychic. She had velvet curtains, candles, a crystal goblet — very old school. No electronic cigarettes for her.

Amusingly, the psychic’s predictions were about as vague as can be. She said things like “I sense something emotional” or “Someone’s not talking to someone” (those are not exact quotes — I’m just too lazy to go back and find the scene on my DVR). The point is that Jacqueline gobbled it all up, which is noteworthy given that she spent a nice chunk of screen time last year mocking Danielle’s psychic.

Anyway, enough babbling. Here are the photos:

Kathy: “You know, it really bugs me that no one complimented me on my Avatar costume last week.”

Teresa: “I hate all those fancy ingredientses. You know, like cummin and colander.”
“Coriander.”
“Yeah. Whatever. Why you gotta have tricky spices? And don’t get me started on what’s it called — s-s-sall?”
“Salt.”
“Yeah. So exotic.”

“Hey Joe. Come on down to the studio. I want you to do me in the cannoli.”

Melissa: “Wha? I don’t get a kiss if I don’t have sex with you?”
“This testosterone. I have so much of it in me. IT BREAKS MAH HEART!!!”

“I see a very SCARY future for you, Jacqueline.”
“Oh no. What is it?”
“You will find a great deal on beer cozies at Marshall’s, but then you will have left your wallet in the car, and when you come back five minutes later, SOMEONE WILL HAVE BOUGHT THE COZIES.”
“Oh God. Not again.”

“But wait, Jacqueline. There is MORE!”
“More? What else could there be?”
“You will use the money you saved at Marshall’s to get a venti iced latte at Starbucks, and you will FORGET TO ADD THE SECOND SUGAR THAT YOU ALWAYS LIKE.”
“NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!”

“As a mother, you raise your stripper boas to leave the house, but when the moment comes for that stripper boa to find a new home in a Hoboken apartment, IT’S LIKE A DAGGER TO THE HEART!”

“Face it, Jacqueline. Your daughter’s a spoiled brat.”

Jacqueline: “I remember my wedding day like it was yesterday. My dress was so beautiful, and of course, who can forget my brand new training bra?”

“Where did I go wrong? Oh yeah. EVERYWHERE.”

Kathy: “I approached Teresa from a place of love.”
Caroline: “I don’t care. I just want to know one thing: is it true that I look like Muriel from Too Close for Comfort?”“

Caroline: “You shouldn’t be stirring up trouble, Kathy. You should be at home with your kids because let me tell you a-something: they won’t be there forever. Someday, they’ll turn 32, and they’ll leave the nest!”

“Hey kids. Who else thinks mommy and daddy should have sex?”

“CAROLINE! I’m gonna wear this while Juicy Joe bangs me in the ass!”

“I want to know why I was the only one who walked through the car wash.”

Teresa: “How am I supposed to find my brother? I dunno where he is all the time.”
Caroline: “Here’s what you do: you write a letter.”
Kim D: “I usually just rub my hair fangs together and let them point the way.”

“Okay… one of these is wine, and the other is urine. But which is which?”

Jacqueline: “Are you gonna write your letter or what?”
“Hold on. I’m looking for ingredientses for my pasta tonight.”

“You know, sweetie, when I was your age, I was already married.”

“Okay, here’s the letter. It’s twenty-five pages long, but only has thirty-two words.”

Melissa: “What’s this?”
“I dunno. It looks like it was written by a child on tranquilizers.”
“So… Teresa?”
“Sounds about right.”

“Dear Joe. We need to be a family. I’m sorry if I hurt you in any way. Of course, I don’t know how I hurt you because you’re so sensitive that even when I’m being nice, which I always am, I guess it makes you mad. So… sorry for that.

Even though you and Melissa are both so stupid, I want to put the past in the past and forget all the dumb things you guys do all the time. We have to fix this. It’s mostly you who has to do all the fixing because it’s pretty much all your fault, but I’m willing to try to fix the things you broke also.

I know I bear some responsibility in this mess you made. I was too nice (because I always am), and that made you mad; so you ruined our friendship. I shouldn’t have done that (the being nice part, I mean). If I had realized my natural tendency to be nice would cause you to be crazy and marry a whore, I would never have been so nice. I’m very sorry.

Please let’s stop all the fighting that you start. I love you. Love, your only sister (so don’t MESS IT UP), Teresa.”

What did you think about the letter? Will it fix things? Is it coming from a sincere place?