God Bless America. It’s a land where dreams come true… unless your dream is to have Tamra make an appearance at your citizenship party. Alas, that’s what happened last night to poor, beautiful Fernanda, our sexy lesbian friend on The Real Housewives of Orange County. The Brazilian bombshell (who apparently enjoys clamshells) celebrated becoming an American citizen by throwing what may have been the saddest fÃªte in the history of the Real Housewives franchise. Worse than DeShawn Snow’s charity fundraiser; worse than Lori’s stupid concert in season one, and worse than any dinner party Jill Zarin ever tried to coordinate. That’s because Fernanda only had about three people over, and the entire party budget seemed to have been spent on a sad, patriotic bow that was tied around a lamp.
Of course, many might think this humble affair was quite sweet. But let’s remember that this is The Real Housewives. Parties need shirtless bartenders, corporate sponsors, and perhaps a helicopter and/or poet and/or three story self-portrait and/or dinosaur skeleton to be deemed worthy. No wonder Tamra didn’t show up.Poor Fernanda was so disappointed in her friend, but when she tried to express her feelings at a “Relaxation and Rejuvenation Party” thrown by Alexis (groan), Tamra snapped at her. She had to MOVE, claimed The Hot One. Of course, she could have scheduled her moving day for a different time, I suppose, but that’s beside the point. Tamra was very busy not-packing and not-lugging boxes. She couldn’t just GO to Fernanda’s party. I mean, that was serious make-out-with-Eddie time.
Seriously, Tamra did nothing on her moving day. Her only instance of physical labor was tossing two middling champagne flutes from her wedding in a dumpster. The rest of the time she spent showing Eddie her boxes, both of belongings and of the vaginal variety.
It seemed rather unfair then that when Fernanda merely shared her feelings with Tamra later at the party that Tamra would suddenly play the victim and then refer to her friend as “Charo” in an interview segment. Clearly all Tamra cares about is the cachÃ© of having a sexy lesbian friend. Do I believe for a second that she’s ever gone swimming in Muff Lake? No. But note that Tamra’s more than happy to let us believe it (without actually committing to a definitive answer).
Emotionally wounded lesbians weren’t the only concerns Tamra had at Alexis’s party. Her chief rival Gretchen was there, and the big question was whether or not the two would get into it again. Clearly they wouldn’t (otherwise Bravo would have shown snippets of the clash in their promos). Instead the women were polite to each other and stayed out of their hair… until the very, very end of the party / episode when Tamra made a joke about not needing to use the Mace she had purchased should there be a physical brawl. This led to the patented Bravo “DUNH!” of doom, which was followed by angry, pursed lips on both Gretchen and Alexis. Yes, it was passive-aggressive on Tamra’s part, but I got the sense that the producers were trying to make more of it than it actually was.
Or were they?
The previews for next week show Alexis getting all nutty about the Mace comment. I can only imagine how this stupid offhand comment will spiral out of control.
Meanwhile, in Vicki land, her family complained that she was never home (what else is new), and we watched sadly as the wheels continued to slide off her marriage. The love tank has a leak, and it’s not getting patched anytime soon.
As for Peggy, she did nothing but get examined for another boob job and later kiss Vicki’s ass as if she were a lowly merchant asking for the protection of Don Corleone. Oh, she also brought her kids London and Capri (uggggh) to a modeling agency where they proceeded to run around like banshees, causing the president of the company to passive-aggressively usher them out by telling Peggy “If you walk, they’ll follow.” Or something like that. As amusing as that was, it wasn’t anything compared to moments earlier when the same woman asked the baby, “Are you ready to be a model?” as we then cut to the kid BARELY able to walk. They grow up so quickly these days.
Lastly we had Gretchen, who’s been a major snore lately. Her parents are renewing their vows, which finally answers the question, “What’s the one thing that’s more boring than watching cast members renewing their vows?” Watching their PARENTS renew their vows. Anyway, I found myself spending caring less about this story and more about the junk in Gretchen’s kitchen (props to having the French Laundry Cookbook — far more impressive than Vicki’s random “CALIENTE” sign).
Here’s the photocap:
“I want new boobs, and I want them stuffed with holographic bracelet shards.”
“What a wonderful dress for my TOTALLY BORING STORYLINE.”
“Ugh. I don’t have TIME for this angel food cake to come out. I WORK!”
“What do you mean I’m never home? I was here for like forty-five minutes last night!”
“Wait, does this ‘No H8’ stand for No Hate or No HOT? Because if it’s No HOT, I’m afraid that’s a position I can’t endorse. After all, I am the HOT housewife, WHICH I AM.”
“I’m so excited for this relaxation party, but it really bothers me that Jesus still hasn’t RSVP’d.”
“Let’s go make love to Lady Gaga again.”
“Sure! I’m a FREE BITCH baby!”
“And then maybe some Madonna?”
“Sure, let’s change it up. I’m a FREE BITCH baby!”
“And then maybe some Gloria Gaynor.”
“FREE BITCH BABY!”
“Okay, stop. It’s ‘freak bitch,’ NOT ‘free bitch,’ and I will not TOLERATE you butchering Gaga.”
“Gurl, you better check yourself.”
“Whatever. I’M A–“
“Please don’t say ‘free bitch.'”
“–FREE BITCH BABY!!!”
“I cannot believe Tamra would miss this wonderful three-person party. I even put a stars-and-stripes bow tie on my torchiere lamp!”
[om nom nom nom]
Eddie: “Making the love to girls is the best and not gross at all.”
“Especially when they’re HOT like ME!”
“Guuuuuuurl, you are hotter than the new Louie Vuitton fall line…. which I’ll not be talking about when we have the VAGINA SEX! YEAH!!!”
“Cheers to me getting back into modeling. 2011 Gary Indiana Lawnmower Expo, here I come!”
Alexis: “Cheers to Jim letting me get Botox with you girls!”
Gretchen: “Cheers to being boring this season! Also, still not a princess.”
Vicki: “I don’t have time to cheers. I have to work.”
Fernanda: “I no cheers until Tamra come over and help me bash my Uncle Sam piÃ±ata.”
Peggy: “Cheers to the kiwi in Guam whose stem cells I’m using to keep my forehead ageless!”
Tamra: “Cheers to the refried bean and cheese dip at Chili’s that inspired this dress!”
“Do you like my dress? It’s literally made of FLAMES because I’m so HOT. If I sit here any longer in my FIRE DRESS, Peggy’s gonna come over and model in front of it! I’m a HOT FREE BITCH, BABY!”
Tamra: “Okay, so you’ve been wanting to be an American for like three years? Well guess what? I’ve been wanting to move for a month. Sorry, CHARO.”
“That is rude.”
“Whatever. I’m a FREE BITCH, BABY!”
“You know, ‘Bad Romance’ is like a year and a half old.”
“What do you know, p-p-p-p-poker face?”
“That doesn’t make sense.”
“I’m just muffing with muffin!”
“And that’s not the lyric.”
“Can’t read mimes! Can’t read mimes! Can’t read mimes and play poker with aces!”
“Do you ever listen to the lyrics?”
“Who needs lyrics? I’M A FREE BITCH, BABY!!”
“I just remembered that I threw out two champagne flutes today. THE CHALLENGES I FACE NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW!”
What did you think about the episode? Should Tamra have gone to Fernanda’s citizenship party?