God Bless America. It’s a land where dreams come true… unless your dream is to have Tamra make an appearance at your citizenship party. Alas, that’s what happened last night to poor, beautiful Fernanda, our sexy lesbian friend on The Real Housewives of Orange County. The Brazilian bombshell (who apparently enjoys clamshells) celebrated becoming an American citizen by throwing what may have been the saddest fête in the history of the Real Housewives franchise. Worse than DeShawn Snow’s charity fundraiser; worse than Lori’s stupid concert in season one, and worse than any dinner party Jill Zarin ever tried to coordinate. That’s because Fernanda only had about three people over, and the entire party budget seemed to have been spent on a sad, patriotic bow that was tied around a lamp.

Of course, many might think this humble affair was quite sweet. But let’s remember that this is The Real Housewives. Parties need shirtless bartenders, corporate sponsors, and perhaps a helicopter and/or poet and/or three story self-portrait and/or dinosaur skeleton to be deemed worthy. No wonder Tamra didn’t show up.Poor Fernanda was so disappointed in her friend, but when she tried to express her feelings at a “Relaxation and Rejuvenation Party” thrown by Alexis (groan), Tamra snapped at her. She had to MOVE, claimed The Hot One. Of course, she could have scheduled her moving day for a different time, I suppose, but that’s beside the point. Tamra was very busy not-packing and not-lugging boxes. She couldn’t just GO to Fernanda’s party. I mean, that was serious make-out-with-Eddie time.

Seriously, Tamra did nothing on her moving day. Her only instance of physical labor was tossing two middling champagne flutes from her wedding in a dumpster. The rest of the time she spent showing Eddie her boxes, both of belongings and of the vaginal variety.

It seemed rather unfair then that when Fernanda merely shared her feelings with Tamra later at the party that Tamra would suddenly play the victim and then refer to her friend as “Charo” in an interview segment. Clearly all Tamra cares about is the caché of having a sexy lesbian friend. Do I believe for a second that she’s ever gone swimming in Muff Lake? No. But note that Tamra’s more than happy to let us believe it (without actually committing to a definitive answer).

Emotionally wounded lesbians weren’t the only concerns Tamra had at Alexis’s party. Her chief rival Gretchen was there, and the big question was whether or not the two would get into it again. Clearly they wouldn’t (otherwise Bravo would have shown snippets of the clash in their promos). Instead the women were polite to each other and stayed out of their hair… until the very, very end of the party / episode when Tamra made a joke about not needing to use the Mace she had purchased should there be a physical brawl. This led to the patented Bravo “DUNH!” of doom, which was followed by angry, pursed lips on both Gretchen and Alexis. Yes, it was passive-aggressive on Tamra’s part, but I got the sense that the producers were trying to make more of it than it actually was.

Or were they?

The previews for next week show Alexis getting all nutty about the Mace comment. I can only imagine how this stupid offhand comment will spiral out of control.

Meanwhile, in Vicki land, her family complained that she was never home (what else is new), and we watched sadly as the wheels continued to slide off her marriage. The love tank has a leak, and it’s not getting patched anytime soon.

As for Peggy, she did nothing but get examined for another boob job and later kiss Vicki’s ass as if she were a lowly merchant asking for the protection of Don Corleone. Oh, she also brought her kids London and Capri (uggggh) to a modeling agency where they proceeded to run around like banshees, causing the president of the company to passive-aggressively usher them out by telling Peggy “If you walk, they’ll follow.” Or something like that. As amusing as that was, it wasn’t anything compared to moments earlier when the same woman asked the baby, “Are you ready to be a model?” as we then cut to the kid BARELY able to walk. They grow up so quickly these days.

Lastly we had Gretchen, who’s been a major snore lately. Her parents are renewing their vows, which finally answers the question, “What’s the one thing that’s more boring than watching cast members renewing their vows?” Watching their PARENTS renew their vows. Anyway, I found myself spending caring less about this story and more about the junk in Gretchen’s kitchen (props to having the French Laundry Cookbook — far more impressive than Vicki’s random “CALIENTE” sign).

Here’s the photocap:

“I want new boobs, and I want them stuffed with holographic bracelet shards.”

“What a wonderful dress for my TOTALLY BORING STORYLINE.”

“Ugh. I don’t have TIME for this angel food cake to come out. I WORK!”

“What do you mean I’m never home? I was here for like forty-five minutes last night!”

“Wait, does this ‘No H8’ stand for No Hate or No HOT? Because if it’s No HOT, I’m afraid that’s a position I can’t endorse. After all, I am the HOT housewife, WHICH I AM.”

“I’m so excited for this relaxation party, but it really bothers me that Jesus still hasn’t RSVP’d.”

“Let’s go make love to Lady Gaga again.”
“Sure! I’m a FREE BITCH baby!”
“And then maybe some Madonna?”
“Sure, let’s change it up. I’m a FREE BITCH baby!”
“And then maybe some Gloria Gaynor.”
“Okay, stop. It’s ‘freak bitch,’ NOT ‘free bitch,’ and I will not TOLERATE you butchering Gaga.”
“Gurl, you better check yourself.”
“Whatever. I’M A–“
“Please don’t say ‘free bitch.'”

“I cannot believe Tamra would miss this wonderful three-person party. I even put a stars-and-stripes bow tie on my torchiere lamp!”

[om nom nom nom]
Eddie: “Making the love to girls is the best and not gross at all.”
“Especially when they’re HOT like ME!”
“Guuuuuuurl, you are hotter than the new Louie Vuitton fall line…. which I’ll not be talking about when we have the VAGINA SEX! YEAH!!!”

“Cheers to me getting back into modeling. 2011 Gary Indiana Lawnmower Expo, here I come!”

Alexis: “Cheers to Jim letting me get Botox with you girls!”
Gretchen: “Cheers to being boring this season! Also, still not a princess.”
Vicki: “I don’t have time to cheers. I have to work.”
Fernanda: “I no cheers until Tamra come over and help me bash my Uncle Sam piñata.”
Peggy: “Cheers to the kiwi in Guam whose stem cells I’m using to keep my forehead ageless!”
Tamra: “Cheers to the refried bean and cheese dip at Chili’s that inspired this dress!”

“Do you like my dress? It’s literally made of FLAMES because I’m so HOT. If I sit here any longer in my FIRE DRESS, Peggy’s gonna come over and model in front of it! I’m a HOT FREE BITCH, BABY!”

Tamra: “Okay, so you’ve been wanting to be an American for like three years? Well guess what? I’ve been wanting to move for a month. Sorry, CHARO.”
“That is rude.”
“Whatever. I’m a FREE BITCH, BABY!”
“You know, ‘Bad Romance’ is like a year and a half old.”
“What do you know, p-p-p-p-poker face?”
“That doesn’t make sense.”
“I’m just muffing with muffin!”
“And that’s not the lyric.”
“Can’t read mimes! Can’t read mimes! Can’t read mimes and play poker with aces!”
“Do you ever listen to the lyrics?”
“Who needs lyrics? I’M A FREE BITCH, BABY!!”

“I just remembered that I threw out two champagne flutes today. THE CHALLENGES I FACE NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW!”

What did you think about the episode? Should Tamra have gone to Fernanda’s citizenship party?

22 replies on “REAL HOUSEWIVES OF OC PHOTOCAP: Tamra Strips Down For ‘No H8’, Hates”

  1. What is seared into my brain from this episode is Tamra’s boob job scar. My eyes!

    I did side with Tamra on the citizenship party thing, though. She told Fernanda that was her move date. That has to be scheduled far in advance and she had to coordinate starting a lease at a new place and being out before the lease ends at the old place. If Fernanda thought Tamra attending was such a big deal, she could have asked her 2 other guests to reschedule for another night.

    What in the world does Peggy’s husband see in her? Is she the one with the money? Otherwise I just don’t get it.

    1. Ugh yes! That scar was atrocious. Did you notice she also had some boob acne going on or a rash or something on the the underside. Sick! I tweeted Andy for subjecting me to that. People have HD tvs these days and while it’s good for seeing the wrinkles on their botoxed faces I have no desire to see what’s growing under Tamara’s boob.

  2. whatever the case is with whether Tamra had any flexibility with her move date, it’s her reaction to Fernanda’s calm explanation of disappointment that is so juvenile, defensive and, plainly speaking, stupid. Fernanda was just explaining how she felt, Tamra could have just said “sorry you feel that way, I can’t change things.” Instead she made her stupid face of incredulous shock and some non-existent offense. she’s terrible. i also really like her explanation of Prop 8…clearly an informed citizen. “Prop 8 is about, um, trying to educate people, um, about gay marriage.” No, it’s a real piece of shiz legislation that would ban such marriages, moron. I dislike her, clearly.
    Peggy and the modeling. So dumb. Gretchen’s stupid orange shirt? Possibly even dumber. I actually laughed out loud when the John Casablancas of OC car poster / Spiegel catalog models was so fed up with Peggy and her kids that she encouraged Peggy and her mom to just walk out with the hope that the little girls follow suit. Nothing against the unfortunately named kids though. Of course they can’t walk like divas! They’re babies!

  3. I loved when Vicki was high and mighty in response to the comment that she was late. She pulled the “I work and this is the middle of the day” card when one scene prior she was trying to snag an invite as Gretchen’s guest.

    1. And when Alexis was inviting Tamara she said the party was from 6 to 8pm so how is that regular working hours? Oh yea, Vicky hides out @ work because she doesn’t love Donn anymore and hasn’t told him yet.
      And if she says “Who does that?” one more time I will mace her face.


  4. I loved that Gretchen’s Mom has all her visors on tiny hooks in her closet.
    Who Does That.???


  5. Don is adorable and I feel badly for him b/c I think he was always willing to put in the time and effort.

    I think the Botox party was funny. One-armed-top Alexis seemed shocked that no one wanted to get Botox.

    These women need to leave CA for a few days b/c they really think that everyone gets fake boobs and botox. I am just imagining if Alexis or Tamara or really any of them ever had to relocate to another part of the country b/c they would look so freakish. You forget about it b/c when you are watching week after week they are all on screen together and look so similar, but really, picture running into 1 of them in your local grocery store. Here in New England they would get looks, not because they are hot, but I think people would think they were trannies.

    1. You got that right, CeCe. I’m originally a New England native, and the OC Howives would look like complete freaks there. I made my yearly trip to the Four Seasons in Boston this past weekend and ate in restaurants where the patrons had money to burn, and outside of just a couple of arm candy bimbos with old dudes, I did’t notice much in the way of botox or reconstructive surgery around me. I saw lots of beautiful jewelry and high-end clothing, but the people wearing it all looked pretty darned normal, and acted that way too.

    2. Totally agree with you and Emily. These women look more ridiculous every year! The hair extensions, plastic surgery/injections, overdone and overly young makeup and clothing do them no favors.

      Did anyone see when Oprah gave them a makeover? They tried to take everything down a notch on the hair and makeup — as I recall, no one let them cut their hair or take out the extensions but maybe a couple of them let them darken up the overly bleached blonde a bit – and put them in different outfits. Everyone looked really good – very modern, classy and hip. No one looked like a soccer mom, but they all looked age-appropriate which was so refreshing! Anyway, they all stood up there like they were being tortured and pretty much said ‘thanks, but we will go back to our old look the second we walk off this stage.’ Oh well… If Oprah can’t help, I guess there is no hope.

      1. An Oprah Howives makeover show would be hilarious! You just know they’d all hate the new look, and would get really pissed off.

        Why do they wear extensions, anyway? The whole thought of attaching those things makes my skin crawl. Must be, the decades of bleaching made their hair so bad they can’t just grow it. The back of Tamra’s head is such a matted mess, she looks like she needs a wire brush like I use on my cats and dogs.

        Anyway, the only look they are attempting to simulate from what I can tell, is a klassy Playboy Playmate. Such a high aspiration, and especially so, for a group of women whose average age is that of a Playmate’s mother. And to think these vapid creatures are allowed to vote… God bless America!

        1. Welcome to the West. These women would not be out of place anywhere in Cali, Arizona, Nevada, even Utah. Botox, Implants and Extensions are the norm here and we don’t look or think twice ’cause we see it each and everyday. We also do eyelash extensions and in-home spray tan service like you saw Gretchen do last season. To each coast their own I guess.

          1. It is like an alternate universe. The extensions are the WORST, all that fried hair with long tresses coming out underneath. It looks like bad dress up wigs.

  6. Oh yeah, I forgot to add:

    Gretchen’s yellow little-girl hair clip looks silly.

    And Alexis’ hair extensions are not good.

  7. Favorite part. “If you start walking I bet they will follow you”. Was she referring to the brats or the dogs??

  8. I didn’t really care WHY Tamra didn’t go the party but her reaction was shitty. Fernanda was calm and just expressing her feelings. Tamra just went off as if she was being cussed out then accused Fernanda of being a drama queen. WTF?!

    Tamra’s boob scars look like boob lift scars. They make incisions under the breast, straight up and around the nipple. Then remove excess skin and tighten it up, maybe put in an implant, and attach the nipple again. Some women’s breasts are too droopy that even implants alone won’t bring them up without a lift unless they huge porn size ones.

    The Gretchen/Tamra feud is because of Tamra’s insecurities. I have a manager who is like that. She keeps her weight down, fixes her hair, just went through a divorce and she’s in her early 50s. She’s good looking. But she can’t stand me. I try to be as sweet as pie but it never works. I catch her looking at me up and down. I’m about 15 yrs or so younger. I feel like saying “Look, we all get old. Just deal.” If her “suitors” come to the office and I’m there she rushes them outside. Bish, please! I’m married and I don’t like fat, balding men who treat women like door mats.


  9. Say what you will about Tamra, she’s vapid and hideous on several levels, but for my money Alexis is the Queen of the Dumb Bitches up in this piece. I know she has small children, but she also has a staff of 50 to help her wrangle those little turds. What has she done to earn a “Relaxation and Rejuvination party”? I think it’s horrifying that a 34 year-old woman has to pump herself full of Botox for her “king” because she’s so terrified he will leave her if she shows any signs of aging.

    By the way, her intro is straight out of Working Girl — who says “I have a bod for sin” anymore?

    1. OHHHH, okay, I always thought she said “and my body.. it’s simple” – and I was like, WTF? But you’re right, it must be “and my body… is sinful”

      1. The fact that she says that in her intro drives me bonkers. I disliked her and her pud of a husband before but now I LOATHE them. If you are so church observant and whatnot, why would you be proud of owning something “sinful”. And isn’t pride eschewed in the bible? So hypocritical. I roll my eyes every time she says Jesus.

        Tamara does bother me but not as much as Alexis. Tamara has always been total trailer trash anyway, Simon just lassoed it in a bit. So her evolution to this isn’t shocking to me.

  10. Tamra’s tiny, insignificant albeit ill-timed “Mace” comment will now be the crux of every argument for the rest of the season. Look how far Schlemiel ran on the “insecure” comment in RHOBH? It was a way to create drama, this has been boring so far because it’s pretty obvious no one actually likes each other in real life. Bring on RHONY!!!

  11. Does anyone else think Eddie has a weird looking mouth? Totally random I know. But his mouth is what keeps him from being HOT

  12. LOL at ‘2011 Gary Indiana Lawnmower Expo’!!! When she mentioned getting into modeling, I could not picture what kind that woudl be exactly. I think you nailed it.

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