I haven’t recapped Celebrity Apprentice in three weeks, and I must say sorry to everyone because this show remains the best thing on TV right now. If I had to choose between a new episode of Mad Men or Celebrity Apprentice, I’m going with Celebrity Apprentice. (Make me choose between it and 30 Rock and then we’ve got a Sophie’s Choice going on). Anyway, what have we missed in the past few weeks. Ummmm…. everything? Dionne Warwick got fired and managed to exit in the typical Dionne way: a.k.a. grousing and bitching about someone else in her nasty old lady style.
The week after that, the celebs raised an astonishing amount of money to the tune of $1.6 million, which is practically unheard of for this show. Call these stars D-Listers, but this was some serious cash. In the middle of it all, Meat Loaf had an epic meltdown that will live on forever in YouTube infamy. We also lost Jose Canseco, which was too bad because I was really gearing up to see his prima dona behaviors get the full Trump treatment. Richard Hatch got fired too, which was inevitable but fine by me. He had provided great sparks in the beginning of the season but had become all but useless by the time he left.
That brings us to this week, which saw the men and the women take on a task for Australian Gold, a sun tan lotion brand. Over at A.S.A.P., La Toya took the reins and pretty much wafted her way through the challenge. Her inability to make prompt creative decisions incurred the ire of Nene, who by the end of the task was ready to strangle the Jackson. Someone, the women won the task, despite not using Hope as a model for the sun tan lotion. There were no celebrations though because afterwards, Nene went off on La Toya in classic Nene fashion (loud, brash, sharp, and hilarious). She called La Toya a ghost and questioned her dubious past with the Jackson family. Trust me, it was intense and fantastic. I only felt bad that it was all directed at La Toya, who I actually like quite a bit.
Over with the men, things seemed relatively calm. The guys put together a display for the company with a pirate theme, which looked cool and everything, but missed the mark entirely for the brand message. Much of the attention was placed on Gary, who continued to be a force of nature unto himself. Eventually, the Board Room wound up as a show down between Gary and Mark, and I thought for sure this would be Gary’s last stand, but Mark had unwisely taken the high road (note to future celebrities: no such thing in reality TV) and took full responsibility for his team’s losing concept. As much as Gary had been inept and a distraction, Mark was truly to blame. And thus Mark got fired. Long term, I sense that Mark is a better candidate than Gary, but I can’t act like I wasn’t happy with the results. Gary is amazing to watch and oddly likable whereas Mark is actually kiiind of a dick. His comment to Busey about “Why don’t you take a big swim in Lake You” was the sort of amazingly condescending shtick that has rubbed me the wrong way all season. Glad to see him go… but sort of sad too — he would have made a great villain. Luckily, we always have Star.
“You may not know this, but my face is the top selling Halloween mask in Liberia!”
“Mr. Trump, I took a big swim in Lake Me, and I decided that I would be Project Manager.”
“Anyone else have a boner from all this sun tan lotion talk? Boner: Being Of Necessary Evolutionary Realms.”
“I think there’s so much we can do with sun tan lotion. We can use sun… and tans… and lotion. I’m just spitballin’ here.”
“Hey guys, I really want to go to Denny’s. Are we on board with that?”
“This is the Star Jones Glass Cube, Presented by Star Jones. It’s named after me because I actually invented glass cubes, and I think it’s important that I get credit for that.”
“I was thinking something with, like, sand? Or a butterfly? Butterflies covered in sand? Flying! But there’s snow there too. And some rocks. Yes, rocks are great. And maybe a flower? But not too many. Can we do tulips? Great. Oh, and a piano that looks like a mime!”
“Just killing time in the back of a truck. TRUCK: Testing Reasonable Understanding Colliding with Kites.”
“Wow, Mark. I never realized this before, but you’re kiiiind of a dick!”
“Hey, Ivanka. You talk to Mark yet? He’s kiiiiind of a dick, right?”
“You know, I just have one note about the branding. Can we call it Australian Gold by Star Jones? I’ve been to Australia, and I like gold; so I really think it’s only fair that I get some credit in that name.”
La Toya: “Excuse me, did someone just masturbate here?”
“So how about that Mark McGrath! Kind of a dick, right?”
La Toya: “Did you see the men’s team yet?”
Donald Trump, Jr.: “Yeah. You know Mark? Kiiiiind of a dick!”
“Damn, this koala suit is HOT. I’m gonna turn into a raving bitch if I have to wear this any longer. I won’t be no Dionne Warwick, but I’ll be a little Mark McGrath-y.”
“Yo ho ho! Enjoy our pirate booty!”
Gary: “PIRATE BOOTY: Participating In Real American Things Everyday with Brazen Ovaries On Telescopic Yaks.”
“Please enjoy the Australian Gold product, and don’t mind Mark McGrath. He’s kind of a dick.”
Gary: “if you’re looking for a spokesman, I’m your man. AUSTRALIAN GOLD: An Understanding Seeking To Realize A Lasting Intrepid Awareness, and Not Gambling On Lasers and Diamonds.”
“Mr. Trump, I firmly believe that we won this challenge. Mark might say otherwise, but you know, he’s kiiiind of a dick.”
“La Toya, why do you say that Mark is kind of a dick? I’m looking at him. He seems fine.”
Gary Busey: “I have to agree with La Toya. There’s something about him. Hard to pinpoint. He’s just… kind of a dick.”
“Well, that’s Gary’s opinion, and I love the guy, but honestly, with all due respect, he belongs in a homeless shelter.”
“See, there it is.”
“Whatever, Gary. You don’t even know where you are.”
“I would just like to say that Mark has been a tremendous leader. Absolutely wonderful. He inspired us all. But… yeah, kiiind of a dick.”
“I think it’s easy for Meat Loaf to say that because the dude is fat. I mean, I love the guy, but if he’s not yelling, he’s eating. Just saying what we all know.”
“YOU DON’T WANT TO MESS WITH ME! I BOUGHT THOSE MOTHERFUCKING SPONGES!!! I BOUGHT PART OF THOSE PAINTS!! FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!!! YOU DON’T WANT TO START WITH ME!!!!”
“Whoa.”
“YOU LOOK INTO MY EYES! I AM THE LAST PERSON YOU EVVVVAAAAAAAARRRRRR WANT TO FUCK WITH!!!!”
“Fat dudes. All the same. Gosh, I love him to death. But total fatty. He needs a burger.”
“I don’t know why you brought me back, Mark. It doesn’t make sense. SENSE: Seeing Entire Nations Singing Everyday.”
“Whatever dude. Why don’t you take a big swim in Lake You and blah blah blah you’re worthless, Gary. It’s nothing personal, but you’re a piece of shit.”
“Wow, you really are a dick.”
“Hey Mark, I think you’re great. I think you’re tremendous. You’ve done a great job, but in this task I have to say: Mark, you’re kiiind of a dick.”
Mark: “Hey my man. Take me to the street!”
Elevator guy: “See, even the way you just said that — there was nothing technically wrong about it, but you’re just kiiiiind of a dick.”
“Whatever, brohan. I bang more chicks than you ever could in three lifetimes.”
“See, there it is.”
What did you think about this episode? Shocked to see Mark go? Did he deserve to go, or was this just a way to keep Gary around longer?
I am convinced that Trump made his decision based on ratings potential. Without Busey, the crazy factor of the show is cut in half.
Absolutely agree!! Gary is ratings gold (not to be confused with Australian Gold).
Nene called Latoya “Casper” just saw it on the news.
I think Trump made the predictable decision and the right one too, because ya know, MM is really a passive aggressive dick. DICK: Dastardly Ignorant Creepy Kook!