REAL HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Doing It For The Kids

The second episode of The Real Housewives of Miami aired last night, and I’m afraid we’ve yet to see much stirring drama. It wasn’t a total wash — there was some amusing crap that went down — but this season has yet to get its sea legs so far. With any luck, next week’s installment will be bringing the craziness, what with Adriana getting into a spat with some tall dandy. For now, however, our attention must remain with this week’s drama, which centered around Lea and Cristy, as well as some ancillary junk with Adriana.The big news was that Lea was arranging a massive fundraiser for her solemnly named charity, CONSEQUENCES. The caps are all mine, and quite frankly, how could one not put such a serious name in all uppercase? What happened to cheesy charity names such as Sparkle House or Rainbow Wishes? “Consequences” sounds like a British drama about a polite affair in the House of Commons.

Consequences! (said in an enigmatic whisper).

Anyway, with such eclectic guests as Natalie Cole, Rick Ross, and friend of B-Side Blog Joe Francis (you read the correctly), Lea had her hands full with last minute tasks before the event. That might explain why her hair all episode looked like she’d just been boinked in the back of Denny’s. And don’t think it got any better when it came time to attend the fundraiser. From what we could tell, Lea slapped on some clown makeup, got laid again (perhaps this time at the DMV), and the poured herself into a baggy black number that showcased her surprisingly huge and floppy boobs. It was a mess.

That being said, I truly enjoy Lea’s business and administrative leadership, and watching her work her event was pretty impressive. This was a far cry from the JV parties we see on Orange County and New Jersey. Case in point: the Governor of Florida and his hot wife dropped by Lea’s soirée. Just a tad more impressive than having the proprietor of POSCHE at table five.

Of course, for all of the Miami A-List activity (even Gloria Estefan ambled in), it was all counterbalanced by the arrival of beloved Elsa Patton and her Playdough face. I wasn’t sure where I’d seen her before, but then it hit me:

Nevertheless, Elsa only had a two second cameo in the episode, which was criminally short. We need at least a good twenty-minutes with her every week. Get on that Andy Cohen.

Well, the party was indeed quite swanky, and everyone who attended paid $500 a head and up. Everyone but Cristy, who decided to pop-in as a show of support. The only thing is that she never RSVP’d, and she never paid. That’s a big no-no when it comes to fundraisers. It would have been one thing if she had just literally shown up, found Lea, tapped her on the shoulder and said “Sorry I couldn’t attend this, but I wanted to say hi real quick and thank you for the invite.” However, Cristy busted in with her girls, took pics on the red carpet, and then boasted that SHE should have been paid to attend. Major party foul.

Of course Lea, who was incensed, had a simple solution to it all: invoice the bitch. Why do I get the sense that Cristy won’t be paying that bill? Even worse, Cristy’s little spectacle further highlighted how annoying her voice is. At one point she noted that someone had stepped on her dress, and she stretched out the final “s” so long, you would have thought there was a gas leak somewhere. Methinks she’s not winning herself any fans in the Bravo universe.

It also didn’t help Cristy’s case that she hired the world’s most annoying chef to prepare lunch for her and the ladies. This guy, known as Chef Pepin (not to be confused with Jacques), spent most of his time in the kitchen hamming it up with frozen and canned foods, much to the dismay of Adriana and Larsa (who apparently is VERY touchy when it comes to rice).

After everyone was done enduring Cristy’s idiot chef, the girls went outside where Adriana received a troubling phone call: her son Alex was out of school early and needed someone to pick him up. Too bad she was busy sipping down mojitos. Adriana called her boyfriend to remedy the situation, but he apparently hung up on her — but not before saying he’d help out. You’d think she’d be happy that her son was taken care of, but now Adriana was pissed at the way her man had treated her (she later blamed it on his Frenchness). All the women backed up Adriana — except for Alexia who had enough brains to say “Hey, your boyfriend is working, and you’re sipping mojitos.”

Amusingly, Adriana spent a good amount of energy explaining how her son is her top priority in life, which of course explains why she FORGOT him at school. Oops.

As for Alexia, she spent much of the episode commenting on everyone else and happily boasting that she was both a magazine editor AND a socialite. She seems to really enjoy seeing both sides of an issue, which is commendable, but hearing about her empathy can get a touch tiresome. I did, however, truly enjoy watching her embarrassed and peeved reactions to her husband’s overzealous bidding at Lea’s charity auction. Maybe we’re supposed to dislike Alexia, but so far I’m a big fan.

Anyway, here’s the photocap:

“My son is my number one priority. I love him and his bright blonde hair. He does have blonde hair, right? Pass the mojitos please!”

“Tell my husband that if he doesn’t pick up some Lean Cuisine, I’M GOING TO INVOICE HIM.”

“Oh look, my magazine. I’m the editor of this. Did I mention that yet?”

“You guyssssssss, it’s a cell phone. I can totally make callsssssssssssss.”

“YOU GUYSSSSSSSS, I suddenly aged, like, ten yearrrrrrssssssss!!!”

Cristy: “You guyssssssssss. Have you tried the mojitosssssssss? They’re, like, sssso Cuban. You guyssssssssssss.”

“Listen to me: my son is my number one priority, and if I forget about him — as one often does with their top priority — YOU HAVE TO FIX IT.”

“Look, I don’t care if you’re in a meeting. I’M DRINKING MOJITOS FROM CHEF PEPIN!”

Larsa: “All this arguing is aging you ten years!”
Adriana: “Hahahah.”
“You don’t understand: that was my passive-aggressive way of saying you look old.”

Larsa: “All I know is that if Scottie ever hung up on me, I would throw all his clothes out in the yard.”
“That seems extreme.”
“Nah. I’d get a nanny to clean it all up. AND THEN FIRE HER. Gosh that’s so fun.”

Larsa: “Look at her. Isn’t she the worst? Now pass me a plate of this crockpot BULLSHIT.”

“I was just upset because Alex is my number one priority.”
“And where is he now?”
“Oh dammit. I left him at the supermarket again.”

“You feel like firing a nanny, Mom?”
“Yeah, I will do it.”
“Hmmm… I kind of want to fire her though.”
“We fire together.”
“Yay!”

“You ever think about Barbie? And how she, like, could be dumb but maybe smart? Because she can’t talk. So you don’t know. I think that will be, you know, a cover story for me.”

“This is so fun, and I can appreciate it both because I’m an editor AND a socialite. Did I mention that yet?”

“You look just like my son. You should meet him. He’s my number one priority in life; although, I can’t remember his name for the life of me. Francisco? Alejandro? Whatever.”

“Oh my God. Someone stepped on my dresssssssssssssssss–“

“–ssssssssssssssssssssssss–“

“–sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss–.”

“[inhale]”

“–sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss….”

“Before I auction off this next item, I have a message from the front desk of the hotel. Has anyone seen a slutty little whore walking around? Oh, there she is, CRISTY RICE.”

What did you think about the episode?