Good morning! I say good morning because chances are you just woke up from the coma that Real Housewives of Miami may have put you in last night. The buzz on the show is bad — possibly worse than DC — and while I think it’s not AS bad as people say, last night’s episode did nothing to dissuade the naysayers. Nothing really happened in the episode. Marysol got engaged, but that whole romance between her and her Frenchman felt a bit fake. Are we really to believe they’re dating? And furthermore that they’re going to elope in Aspen? The only positive to come from that storyline was yet another extended scene with Elsa, whose giant puppet-head seemed even more grotesque as she sat in Marysol’s living room watching her try on wedding dresses. Elsa is truly a riot, and while she does look like she belongs in Pan’s Labyrinth — or better yet, Labyrinth — I wouldn’t have her change a single thing. Listening to her roll her r’s as she talked about Marysol rrrrrolling down a mountain was a pure delight. Unfortunately, whatever goodwill Elsa had brought us was totally vanquished by a never-ending scene between Marysol and her man in Aspen. I couldn’t believe the producers would wrap up the episode on such a boring, irritating note. No one cares about these two, nor do they care if Marysol has butterflies in her stomach over this wedding. In fact, never has anyone cared about any wedding on any Housewives episode. We only want to see dinner parties going down in flames. Happy occasions? BORING.More entertaining was Alexia’s battle with her husband over a dead pig. He had slaughtered a porker in a traditional Cuban style, sending his wife into manic protests. Look lady, I understand if a giant, rotting beast lying on your kitchen island isn’t your cup of tea, but in that case, don’t put it on the menu. Just fry up some plantains, and everyone will be happy. (Note to Alexia: please invite me next time your husband serves up that pig. It looked AMAZING).

Also not enjoying the pig experience was Lea, who dramatically refused to feast on the animal when she later came over for dinner. Lea was in quite the state (read: drunk). When she wasn’t disavowing herself from meat, she was drunkenly making fun of Marysol’s engagement, much to the dismay of the other housewives. Larsa, who’s constantly in a state of fussy disapproval, noted that Lea seems to think covering up catty comments with a laugh fixes everything but lo, it doesn’t! I believe the term is “truth in jest,” Larssy, but I guess you’re too dense to know that. Hahahahaha! Just kidding!! (See what I did there?).

As for Cristy, she did little this week other than balk at Lea’s invoice. She once again reminded us that all her friendsssssssss were at Lea’s fundraiser, and therefore Lea really should have been paying HER some sort of odd promoter fee. She also scoffed at being billed for showing support, perhaps not realizing that at a fundraiser, you show support by PAYING.

Speaking of fundraisers, it looks like Adriana might need one soon to put her son through private school. Funds have been low for the Brazilian bombshell, and when Lea began taking pity on her, the floodgates opened. I wasn’t sure just how destitute Adriana was, but I sure got the sense she was milking the situation for perhaps a Lea Black freebie. Lea didn’t bite, but she did propose a charity event. Hopefully if Cristy comes, she’ll pay this time. I mean, last time I checked, a private school doesn’t accept “moral support” as payment.

“Enjoy your rabbit now, kids, because I’m firing it tomorrow.”

“You smell that? It smells like something died. I think the rhythm got it!”

“You want to marry me? I would cry, but my face is frozen like this.”

“Oh so beautiful! And understated too!”

“I’m sorry if this stretches out any of the dresses. Here’s what you do: you look at the price tag, see how much they cost, and then INVOICE ME! Ha HA!”

Cristy: “You guyssss, do you like my pantsssss? Thnksssssssss.”

Alexia: “And over here is where we recreate Calvin Klein fragrance commercials.”

“Pig? No. Done. DONE! I’m not eating it. DONE! How can I eat something that has such a striking resemblance to Cristy? Ha HA!!! Kidding!! youoweme.

“You guys are getting married? Great! I’ll get you something from Bed, Bath & Beyond. They have a wonderful return policy. You only have thirty days to bring stuff back, but that sounds about as long as this will last, am I right? Ha HA!!!”

Marysol: “That wasn’t nice.”
“She is, how you say, le bitch?”

“Hey Lea, get your giant two-finger-spanning ring AWAY from my arm.”

“Marysol, why you try on so many wedding dresses? You will rrrrrrrrrroll down the moun-tayn. I drunk.”

“Do these ten dresses make me look fat?”
“Actually, yes.”
“Really? HOW FUN IS THAT? Ha HA!!!”

“You guyssssss, I love maracasssssssss.”

Alexia: “Oh, I like this. I’ve always wanted to look like lettuce!”

“My son is #1. Where is he anyway?”
“Right here, Mom?”
“Ah well. He’s probably at school.”

“You know, I’m just a jeans and t-shirt gal. So what if I never am seen in jeans and a t-shirt?”

“If it lives in the see, I put it on a necklace. Hey Poseidon, INVOICE ME! Ha HA!!!”

“I no want to jeopardize my son’s future, and he will always be #1 in my life, but if I have a chance to pick a mojito over Alex, I’m sorry, mojito wins.”

“Isn’t it nice that we both dressed like tomatoes today?”

What did you think about the episode?

12 replies on “REAL HOUSEWIVES PHOTOCAP: Babes, Pig In The City”

  1. “Poseidon invoice me!” – when I read that I instinctively sang it like it was from “I’m on a Boat”.

    So my thoughts:
    1. I love the Lonely Island
    2. I really don’t like any of these girls. Ms. Pippen is AWFUL although her husband seems to be a really great person. Christy is incredibly boring, self centered, and despite growing up in the US has an accent? I don’t get it. Lea has no manners and wears mom jeans. Marysol seems like the nicest most normal one.
    3. $30K for a school that doesn’t have the name “College” or “University” in it is crazy-time.

  2. I don’t eat pork either, like Larsa, but I am aware of where my food comes from and I am appalled by the way Lea and Alexia reacted to seeing the (relatively) intact pig that was cooked for them. I think it is very hypocritical for anyone to behave like they did when they encounter their food in a less, umm, sanitary (I am struggling for the word I want and sanitary is the closest I can come at the moment) form. Shame on them!

    Also, Tre-Fan, I think Alexia said she was born and raised in Miami. If that is the case she, too, has a non-nativeish accent.

    I find these women largely unsympathetic save Marysol whom I find hard to watch but sweet to listen to. I think this will be another one-and-done like D.C.

  3. While I don’t love these Miami these ladies I certainly don’t think this season is terrible. It does have a lot of room for improvement though because when I compare it to the craziness currently going on with the OC wives it’s just not the same.

    Of course, I’ll still be tuning in every week. Bravo must be subliminally hypnotizing me or something. How is it that I have seriously watched all of OC, NY, NJ, ATL, DC, Miami AND Bethenney’s spinoff? That’s just plain wrong.

    1. I know. You and me both. I started out watching just while folding laundry when OC started. Now I watch all of them and I can’t help myself. I agree, it’s just plain wrong.

    2. I lived in Miami for a few years and the Cuban-american people I met there tended to talk with the accent/mannerism you hear Christy/Alexia/Marysol using. It’s very distinct and you hear it a lot there even with the folks that were born in Miami — especially the women now that I think about it….

  4. Does anyone else think Lea is in need of a good bra? Everytime she’s onscreen her jangly cans are staring me in the face. Of course, I may just be desensitized to her “au naturel” look. It is a rarity among the housewives.

  5. That pig really DID look amazing! Lea’s reaction was pretty rude/over the top. Don’t like, then don’t eat it but you don’t have to go on about it as a guest in someone’s home.

    So, if anyone ever asked me to attend a fund-raiser so that some woman who drives a mercedes, wears designer clothes/jewelery, has her hair and makeup done at the drop of the hat, and lives in a really nice house on the water in Miami can send her son to private school, I would LAUGH IN HER FACE! WTF — how would anyone have the nerve to throw a fundraiser to send a kid to private school?

    1. The word is kinda getting around (via sites like stoopidhousewives.com) that Adriana is something of a scam artist. The ex-husbands sister has written several bloggers and shown how, just based on divorce records and timelines, Adriana’s story doesn’t add up.

      Lea was incredibly rude at the dinner. In addition to her Pig issues (don’t eat it), her comments to Marysol were straight from an Asshole. I’m so sick of totally rude being passed off as “I just tell it like it is”. No. You’re a jerk.

  6. I am a Real Housewives junkie and have never missed a season EXCEPT Miami. I have 4 shows backed up on my tivo and can’t muster any enthusiam to watch. Way to many accents and it’s just not peaking my interest. With Bethany, RHONW, RHOOC premiering, I’m gonna skip the Miami housewives for the first time ever. BTW, I kinda like Washington, minus the weird/crazy couple that crashed the white house dinner. They need to get a show with danielle. Maybe they should start their own called…Real Housewives sent to The Looney Bin. I could also live without Atanta. Last season was totally boring, especially since Bev Hills was the all-time best ever.

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